AIBU to have made my relatives uncomfortable?

[SliceOfCakeCupOfTea]

I was out at a family dinner last night. Extended family, aunts, uncles, cousins over from out of town along with my parents, and siblings. All had partners there except for my DH (and another cousin's DH) who were at work.

DH and I have been married for a number of years and have a 6 year old DS.
My DB and SIL (calling her that out of ease) have been together 3 years and have a (nearly) 2 year old DD and are expecting another baby later this year.

One of my Auntie's started asking DB when him and SIL were going to get married. They have no intention of getting married but Auntie wouldn't let it go. DB then said that they were too busy to get married and would rather spend their money on their kids, which then made aunt switch her attention on me and the fact that we only have 1 child. She kept going on and on about how DB's DD would at least have a sibling and how we were mean by prioritising our own wants over the 'needs' of DS. This went on and on and was really pissing me off. All of my cousins who have kids have at least 2. We're the only couple with 1 DC

I ended up saying, quite loudly mainly to be heard over her wittering on, that DH and I would have loved to have another DC, we had tried for years but unfortunately for us, it just didn't happen and we don't really expect that to change now.

I will admit, I am still quite 'wounded' about this, I would have loved another DC and it's been really hard watching my DB and SIL announce two pregnancies over the years. I've come to accept that it won't happen but that doesn't mean it doesn't still sting. I must have looked quite sad when I said the above as SIL put her hand on mine and my DM quickly changed the subject. Aunt looked really put out the rest of the meal and was muttering to my Uncle while glancing up at me every so often.

After the meal, my cousin (Auntie's daughter) text me to say that I had made the whole family feel uncomfortable with my 'revelation' and I shouldn't have announced it like that. Apparently Auntie was very miffed in the car ride home.

My DM said I did nothing wrong, SIL said the same. DB thinks I was making too much of a point and could have been politer with what I said.

Should I text or call my Auntie and/or respond to my cousin? I haven't yet because I don't really know what to say!

It’s awful isn’t it. I know quite a lot of people who are the only child and they are all absolutely fine! None of them were lonely or suffered in any way from being only children. I really hate it when people say to some poor mum “when are you going to give little Tarquin a brother or sister to play with?” Why do they think this is an ok question?
I didn’t have that problem exactly. I had twins and people did sometimes say “are you having any more haha?!” My icy, flat “No” with a stern silent stare if they started to ask questions was enough to put them off pursuing that line of enquiry. They probably realised that next time the look I gave them would vaporise them on the spot.

She was completely out of order. I truly hope you don’t give them the satisfaction of a response. Take care.

Indeed.

OP, I am sorry you have had fertility difficulties, but your aunt’s comments were obnoxious and stupid whatever the reasons for an enfant unique. (As the French say).

This

'I didn't realise you were having problems'

Yeah, I'm just a nasty woman with a shit-ton of internalised misogyny who voiced my opinion that you were at fault for your own infertility instead of keeping my stupid, regressive opinions to myself.

Absolutely do not apologise OP!! They made it uncomfortable, not you!!

What were they saying and what did you say back?

Your Aunt and cousin are pains in the ar**e. Your DM is absolutely brilliant!

We had cousins like that - they enjoyed showing off and cross-examining people in public. Ghastly!

I think people do this when they know that in public people will be too polite to call them out. And they can have the satisfaction of unleashing their opinions on an audience.
But having someone like your Mum to communicate in no uncertain terms will certainly make DA think twice before doing this again. Three Cheers to her!

Although you're hurting more now you've aknowledged this not only everyone else but also yourself, you are my absolute hero. Well done for standing up to insensitive interfering busybodies who think this is anyone's business but your own. What a selfish prick of an idiot she is to keep pushing at first DB then you. She got off lightly in my book. If she, or any other family members say one more word in her defense give them my phone number and I'll GLADLY tell them what I think of them and her. My Father will probably like to put his two penneth in too.

I would reply with if anyone was made to feel uncomfortable, it was me.

Do not apologise. She badgered you and lacked the social awareness to read that you didn't wish to discuss it, then didn't like that you answered her question?!

No one has a right to force their views onto others.

Your Aunt and the relatives who are blaming you are TOTALLY the ones at fault! You did nothing wrong. What a cheek!

I’m sorry to read this. I had 3 losses but have been very lucky to have 2 DC. I was asked intrusive questions both before DC1 and again before DC2. I said ‘no idea, just had my third miscarriage’ several times - every single person looked embarrassed as they should.

I've spoken to other auntie today who was there and she said that I did absolutely nothing wrong and she's so sorry I felt forced to admit something so personal at a family event.
Other cousins also agree (one has seen this thread and messaged me), SIL has said she'll purposely never marry DB now just to prove a point (she's joking, they were never going to marry anyways) and Mam has once again text auntie to say that she's disappointed in her that she couldn't apologise.
Auntie has since emailed to ask if I'm okay. Still no real apology and that cousin hasn't messaged since either.
I feel a bit better that people know now, at least none of them will ever ask me again!
But I'm still feeling a bit raw. DS has been a dream this weekend, perhaps he sensed I was on edge, but he's been a proper little champ and made me smile nonstop.

I'm happy to draw a line under all of this.

I'm glad your family are standing by you.

So sorry OP 💐
You should never have had to announce that, as it’s personal information but you did because there’s too many nosey busy bodies out there who think that just because they’re older they can say whatever the fuck they like. Well done to you for checking that behaviour and hopefully it will make them think twice about doing it to anyone else in future. And if it makes anyone feel uncomfortable then they’re part of the problem too.
Normalise telling people to mind their own business, I say! Xx

Can I ask you @SliceOfCakeCupOfTea if the Auntie you refer to in your post yesterday at 21:46 asking if you were ok was the same auntie that kept pushing you for an answer during the family meal?

If it was, can I further ask if and how you responded to her query?

If it were me I'd feel compelled to reply saying "Hi Auntie, actually I'm still very raw and upset following our recent family meal. You caused me a lot of upset and I'm trying to deal with that on top of everything else. I'm not sure what you expect me to write in an email - I'm not going to say I'm fine when I'm not and it was your line of questioning that has caused me a lot of unnecessary distress. Regards, SliceOfCake"

Best of luck with it all.

Well I think you handled this perfectly. I would have also done the same.
Myself and my partner are also struggling with secondary infertility for 6 years. I am devastated that we haven't been able to conceive and hate it when people ask about having babies. It's rude and unnecessary.
Stick to your guns.

If you ask an intrusive question expect an uncomfortable answer 🤣 well done! She felt uncomfortable because she was being rude asking the answer is none of her business.

The issue here is with your auntie's rudeness and insensitivity and not with your response OP.

I absolutely would not be apologising to her.

Your cousin is her mother’s flying monkey

Yanbu OP!!!! They sound so insensitive. I'm sorry it didn't happen for you 💐