AIBU to have made my relatives uncomfortable?

[SliceOfCakeCupOfTea]

I was out at a family dinner last night. Extended family, aunts, uncles, cousins over from out of town along with my parents, and siblings. All had partners there except for my DH (and another cousin's DH) who were at work.

DH and I have been married for a number of years and have a 6 year old DS.
My DB and SIL (calling her that out of ease) have been together 3 years and have a (nearly) 2 year old DD and are expecting another baby later this year.

One of my Auntie's started asking DB when him and SIL were going to get married. They have no intention of getting married but Auntie wouldn't let it go. DB then said that they were too busy to get married and would rather spend their money on their kids, which then made aunt switch her attention on me and the fact that we only have 1 child. She kept going on and on about how DB's DD would at least have a sibling and how we were mean by prioritising our own wants over the 'needs' of DS. This went on and on and was really pissing me off. All of my cousins who have kids have at least 2. We're the only couple with 1 DC

I ended up saying, quite loudly mainly to be heard over her wittering on, that DH and I would have loved to have another DC, we had tried for years but unfortunately for us, it just didn't happen and we don't really expect that to change now.

I will admit, I am still quite 'wounded' about this, I would have loved another DC and it's been really hard watching my DB and SIL announce two pregnancies over the years. I've come to accept that it won't happen but that doesn't mean it doesn't still sting. I must have looked quite sad when I said the above as SIL put her hand on mine and my DM quickly changed the subject. Aunt looked really put out the rest of the meal and was muttering to my Uncle while glancing up at me every so often.

After the meal, my cousin (Auntie's daughter) text me to say that I had made the whole family feel uncomfortable with my 'revelation' and I shouldn't have announced it like that. Apparently Auntie was very miffed in the car ride home.

My DM said I did nothing wrong, SIL said the same. DB thinks I was making too much of a point and could have been politer with what I said.

Should I text or call my Auntie and/or respond to my cousin? I haven't yet because I don't really know what to say!

Let her stew. She was insensitive and prying. She got an answer to her prying, it just wasn't one that she expected. She clearly now feels your truthful answer makes her look insensitive (it did). Tough. It's the truth. Maybe next time she'll mind her own business. She should be apologising to YOU for being insensitive.

Good for you. You did the right thing.

Your aunt wanted to cause drama. I'd ignore her. Your immediate family knows YANBU and screw the rest of them.

This

If my dm had done what your Aunt did we’d have told her off ourselves.

Your aunt is a busy body that needs to keep her nose out of other people's business. Sounds as though she has never been told that though!

I would ignore your cousin, they are being an arse as well.

This ^^

If you made her feel uncomfortable then serve her right!

I’d reply “Auntie made me feel very uncomfortable with her relentless tactless questioning. I think she got off lightly with a straight answer rather than being told just how upsetting and inappropriate she was being.”

And ^^ this is a good response.

Fck her. She should feel uncomfortable because it was a stupid, rude and insensitive question. As PP have said, she shouldnt poke her nose into other people's business if she doesnt want the bald truth

Oh you poor thing. You did absolutely nothing wrong, in fact, I’d say you did absolutely the right thing!! She needed to be told straight apparently given you trying to change the subject and deflect her interrogation wasn’t working. She was rude, thoughtless and insensitive and she ought to feel ashamed of herself, as should your cousin for going along with her victim narrative.
Both DH and I have done the exact same before. It took us a long time to conceive our child and his family were so nosey and just didn’t take hints! He really got to the end of his tether with his mum one day and told her, in no uncertain terms, what he thought of her incessant questioning and what it was making both him and me feel every time she went on (and on..)… she burst into tears, which didn’t feel good of course, but for fucks sake!!

I think your response is very restrained but, in the interests of maintaining family relationships, I think it’s spot on. Both your aunt and your cousin owe you an apology.

I'd take out the second sentence of your reply OP. Don't say you're sorry.

Your message is fine with the apology removed. I know it softens the message but it makes it seem like you're partially to blame. You aren't.

My family have a knack for pretending things didn't happen

^This is why you MUST not reply.
Don't feed them with facts.
They're being really insensitive.

Too apologetic. You don’t need to tell your cousin you’re sorry. And you don’t need to pussyfoot around your aunt’s appalling rudeness and insensitivity.

Aunty got it very badly wrong but can't admit that so has to be the wronged party and get the cousin to do her bidding. Narcissist and flying monkey springs to mind.

As wrong as both are be careful, they will turn this into a family war if their narrative is threatened and recruit more people into it. Retreat into the comfort of your DH, DM and SIL, and refuse to discuss this or any other private or sensitive matter with the aunty or cousin again.

"That's a private matter" or "this is not an approate place to speak to about this" should do.

You should just say well that is why 'aunt' shouldn't question situations she knows nothing about

I think the answer is great OP. It's the truth. I do think that unfortunately she will play the victim which is usually the case with busy bodies and "I call it as I see it" people. I highly doubt you will get an apology. It's good that other family members have you back and support you speaking out. I don't really know aunt and cousin would expect you to do. Sit meekly and nod along I expect. Don't apologise.

Your message is far too apologetic and reinforces their view that your aunt is in some way a victim in this. A much shorter and sharper response with far less ‘sorry’ and small talk would be far more appropriate IMO.

Honestly, we have this all the time. We have had multiple miscarriages and decided to stop trying as it’s too heartbreaking but honestly don’t understand why anyone asks these sorts of questions, especially when they go on and on. It’s none of your aunties business and she should stay out of it. People who haven’t had issues will never understand the pain but they should be aware that these things do happen and it’s heartbreaking for those who have to go through it. Sending love, don’t apologise!!! Xx

I agree with the others, don't apologise. You have nothing to apologise for. Your aunt and cousin do.

Your aunt should be embarrassed and ashamed. Her daughter should have kept her mouth shut. You have nothing to apologise for. They should apologise to you.

Your aunt was rude, pushy and insensitive.

If your reaction upset her, maybe she'll think twice before being rude, pushy and insensitive about people's personal circumstances in future.

YWNBU your auntie was insensitive and rude.

I'd text this

Auntie asked a personal question. And wouldn't drop it. If she didn't want to hear the truth, she shouldn't have asked.

You could also add...

I'm pretty upset at how she asked me something so personal in front of everyone, but I wasn't going to say anything. But at least now you all know about something deeply and personal, thanks to Auntie and maybe I won't be hounded into to answering this kind of personal question publicly again.

But I think just the first part is enough.

I'd change "I'm sorry" to "I'm sure my revelation" and I'd lose the at least it's out in the open- that sounds like auntie has done you a favour.

Poke your nose into other peoples business and expect it to get bitten.