AIBU to have made my relatives uncomfortable?

[SliceOfCakeCupOfTea]

I was out at a family dinner last night. Extended family, aunts, uncles, cousins over from out of town along with my parents, and siblings. All had partners there except for my DH (and another cousin's DH) who were at work.

DH and I have been married for a number of years and have a 6 year old DS.
My DB and SIL (calling her that out of ease) have been together 3 years and have a (nearly) 2 year old DD and are expecting another baby later this year.

One of my Auntie's started asking DB when him and SIL were going to get married. They have no intention of getting married but Auntie wouldn't let it go. DB then said that they were too busy to get married and would rather spend their money on their kids, which then made aunt switch her attention on me and the fact that we only have 1 child. She kept going on and on about how DB's DD would at least have a sibling and how we were mean by prioritising our own wants over the 'needs' of DS. This went on and on and was really pissing me off. All of my cousins who have kids have at least 2. We're the only couple with 1 DC

I ended up saying, quite loudly mainly to be heard over her wittering on, that DH and I would have loved to have another DC, we had tried for years but unfortunately for us, it just didn't happen and we don't really expect that to change now.

I will admit, I am still quite 'wounded' about this, I would have loved another DC and it's been really hard watching my DB and SIL announce two pregnancies over the years. I've come to accept that it won't happen but that doesn't mean it doesn't still sting. I must have looked quite sad when I said the above as SIL put her hand on mine and my DM quickly changed the subject. Aunt looked really put out the rest of the meal and was muttering to my Uncle while glancing up at me every so often.

After the meal, my cousin (Auntie's daughter) text me to say that I had made the whole family feel uncomfortable with my 'revelation' and I shouldn't have announced it like that. Apparently Auntie was very miffed in the car ride home.

My DM said I did nothing wrong, SIL said the same. DB thinks I was making too much of a point and could have been politer with what I said.

Should I text or call my Auntie and/or respond to my cousin? I haven't yet because I don't really know what to say!

Agree with others that your message is far too apologetic when you have absolutely nothing to apologise for. Your aunt and cousin are the ones who should be apologising.

All of this.

I'm so sorry that Auntie made you have to divulge such a personal issue when you were doing your best not to.

This is on her and how she was like a dog with a bone, and wouldn't give up.

Don’t apologise as much, you don’t need to apologise at all. Auntie is just lashing out as won’t admit she’s wrong so easier ti blame you. Most people in this day and age understand to not ask about more children/any children unless it’s brought up.

Your SIL and DM reaction shows you what normal people feel and they didn’t think you should have had to say that but it needed saying, it’s nothing to hide or be ashamed of

Thanks all. Feeling much better about it all now. Still spoiled a nice family get together which is unfortunate.
Auntie may be insensitive and rude, but she's still family

My proposed amended version:

Hi Cousin, was really nice to see you all and catch up today. I understand my revelation may have been hard to hear. It certainly wasn't easy to say. I hadn't wanted to share something so personal over a family get together but it's really difficult when someone keeps asking you why you aren't having more children and telling me I'm selfish. Believe me, I would have rather not had to say anything but I was getting quite upset with all the questions. At least it's out there now and we can all move on and focus on the kids that we do have.

Auntie caused this by continually asking you about your private reproductive business at dinner.

What about the discomfort that she caused you?

Absolutely not! If she wasn't going on and on then you wouldn't have been pushed in to it. I'd text her and say "thank you for making me feel so uncomfortable I had to admit the truth as to why we only have 1 DC, maybe this is a lesson to keep your opinions to yourself in future and spare people the embarrassment."

I'd not have this ignored and brushed under the carpet. Auntie was rude. Flying monkey Cousin was rude. You were trying to deflect and not be probed on such a personal issue, they wouldn't drop it = this is what happens. Time for the family to stop ignoring things and face up to them and the fall out!

Perhaps Auntie will keep her big gob shut n cat time & keep her nose out of business that isn't hers.

I think your reply is too nice.
Be clear, it was relentless obtrusive questioning about a private matter in a public setting.
The selfish comment was deeply hurtful to you and DH.
You won't discuss this again.

Sounds like a sensible response.

It's all very well them saying you made the entire family feel uncomfortable, but perhaps they could empathise with you and consider how uncomfortable you were made to feel being repeatedly asked about having another child.

This.

I would be tempted to text ‘Your mother had no one to blame but herself. She has no right to pass judgement on people able the number of children they have - she did this publicly and in a way that might be perceived at best rude and at worse extremely spiteful. People struggle with fertility it’s a fact. I feel she was totally rude and unsupportive - rather than be miffed perhaps she could reflect and apologise for her thoughtless comments’

Too much?

Nope. I think that's a really good response.

As others have said it should be the aunt the one apologising for being rude to you about your own life. If they don’t want to hear uncomfortable reality which actually it’s your life and it bloody hurts you then they should stop asking questions.
hopefully they learn to mind their own business
sorry you had to go through that OP

I would reply to cousin and ask her to tell her mum how rude she was to you and your DB. She needs to learn to STFU. She made it awkward by badgering you.
Sorry about your fertility problems.

Really shocking behaviour. To go on at people about their how they live their lives on topics that anyone with half a brain cell knows can be sensitive topics is totally moronic. To then complain that SHE felt uncomfortable when confronted with the reason for 1 DC is absolutely disgusting. What about how YOU feel? Clearly that isn't important. Does she have some sort of personality disorder?
I'd be cutting off contact personally!
Your nearest and dearest should be taking her to task over that behaviour.

YANBU.

You could respond to your cousin by telling her how uncomfortable you were feeling. And how it brought back all the pain of not being able to have a second child.

It's just bringing up all those feelings of inadequacy and guilt. Feel really down now I've put this on paper.

Exactly this. And your family should stick up for you x

I think your aunt's a nasty piece of work and a bully who, after being pushed away from picking on one victim, turned her attentions to you. She's clearly annoyed because by sticking up for yourself you exposed her for the cruel person that she is. And it's that she has an issue with.

I'd reply with: "If aunty feels uncomfortable, how does she think I feel?

And leave it at that.

So your aunt is allowed to ask incredibly invasive questions, but you are not allowed to answer them?
If she doesn't want to hear the answer then there's only one course of action open to her, isn't there.
I'd tell her to pop that in her pipe and smoke it for a while.

Nice response.

You did nothing wrong. No apology needed. She should have kept her thoughts to herself.

I would reply that however uncomfortable your aunt may feel, it's nothing to how she made you feel, and it serves her right for making inappropriate and intrusive comments and putting you in a very unpleasant position.

Your DM is correct - you've done absolutely nothing wrong. Your aunt wouldn't stop going on about deeply personal matters despite people's attempts to deflect the conversation, and you did the right thing by putting an end to it. Hopefully your aunt will learn something. It's not your fault she felt uncomfortable.