AIBU to have made my relatives uncomfortable?

[SliceOfCakeCupOfTea]

I was out at a family dinner last night. Extended family, aunts, uncles, cousins over from out of town along with my parents, and siblings. All had partners there except for my DH (and another cousin's DH) who were at work.

DH and I have been married for a number of years and have a 6 year old DS.
My DB and SIL (calling her that out of ease) have been together 3 years and have a (nearly) 2 year old DD and are expecting another baby later this year.

One of my Auntie's started asking DB when him and SIL were going to get married. They have no intention of getting married but Auntie wouldn't let it go. DB then said that they were too busy to get married and would rather spend their money on their kids, which then made aunt switch her attention on me and the fact that we only have 1 child. She kept going on and on about how DB's DD would at least have a sibling and how we were mean by prioritising our own wants over the 'needs' of DS. This went on and on and was really pissing me off. All of my cousins who have kids have at least 2. We're the only couple with 1 DC

I ended up saying, quite loudly mainly to be heard over her wittering on, that DH and I would have loved to have another DC, we had tried for years but unfortunately for us, it just didn't happen and we don't really expect that to change now.

I will admit, I am still quite 'wounded' about this, I would have loved another DC and it's been really hard watching my DB and SIL announce two pregnancies over the years. I've come to accept that it won't happen but that doesn't mean it doesn't still sting. I must have looked quite sad when I said the above as SIL put her hand on mine and my DM quickly changed the subject. Aunt looked really put out the rest of the meal and was muttering to my Uncle while glancing up at me every so often.

After the meal, my cousin (Auntie's daughter) text me to say that I had made the whole family feel uncomfortable with my 'revelation' and I shouldn't have announced it like that. Apparently Auntie was very miffed in the car ride home.

My DM said I did nothing wrong, SIL said the same. DB thinks I was making too much of a point and could have been politer with what I said.

Should I text or call my Auntie and/or respond to my cousin? I haven't yet because I don't really know what to say!

Aunt is a rude bitch and needed putting in her place. Well done you for doing it. I'm only sorry that it hurt you in the process.

Fabulous 👌

Thank goodness for your mum!! ‘Dear cousin, I love auntie but she was extremely rude, and anyone who makes really pointed hurtful comments about what are extremely personal and emotional circumstances needs to expect an occasional blunt answer. How dare you have a go at me. I’m waiting for aunties apology, I know mum told her how out of line she was.

I’ve been in this exact situation several times and you did exactly what I did OP. It’s a really sensitive subject and people who get pregnant at the drop of a hat just don’t get it.
aunty was an insensitive buffoon and deserves to feel a not uncomfortable. Let her stew!!
sending a hug your way. Infertility is hard. Enjoy the child you have; they are precious. X

Auntie is the only one to blame

case closed

Dear Cousin and Auntie, I am sorry if my response to your many observations about our single child family made you uncomfortable. By that stage I was very uncomfortable (actually quite distressed) following repeated suggestions to have another child, criticism for my child not having a sibling etc. I did try to change the subject. So in future let’s keep people’s fertility off the choice of conversation, and move on.

Lovely to hear that family members have your back. With your latest update I'd be tempted to ignore the message.

Well done your mum and sorry you had to go through that. Infertility is a bastard 💐

Auntie needs to mind her own uterus.

You did nothing g wrong your auntie is the one that made you feel uncomfortable and she should learn to leave things alone. It’s a very hard sunniest for many women for one reason or another and people should stop asking this question to them all the time

Jesus fuck! OP you’re a saint. Feel free to dm your aunt and cousins numbers and I’ll reply for you!
if your infertility was difficult for her to hear about at a lunch surrounded by loved ones how the unholy fuck was it for you to experience over years without the support of your family?!?!? She’s insensitive at best. Good luck not committing mass murder at the next family lunch!

This.

Ignore that message, maybe she'll learn it's fucking rude to dig into anyone's situation with regard to children. She deserves to feel uncomfortable for being so invasive and rude.

YADNBU and I wouldn't apologise to your aunt or cousin.

This type of interrogation really annoys me. I've had people say 'oh it's easy for you you only have one DC two is so much harder'. My tempered response was 'well I've only been blessed with one' when what I should have said is bugger off and stop being so judgemental. I would have loved another DC but life throws us the odd curveball and I'm very happy with my family of three.

What a rude obnoxious woman. Nobody should ask about how many children you have or don't have.
I'd reply and say she should keep her nose out of other people's business.
I'd ask her about her sex life if it's an 'ask personal questions' free for all.

Well she made you feel uncomfortable with banging on about it didn't she ? Why didn't she ask you privately if it was bothering her so much ? I don't think you've got anything to apologise for at all. Lots of people can only have one child then struggle to conceive a second surely as a grown up she must've come across that before?

My response to cousin would be 'lf auntie has anything to say to me, then she can say it to me.' I wouldn't get involved in a debate with cousin.

Auntie did email and said that she hadn't realised I had "problems". She didn't apologise exactly. It was sort of tagged onto the end of a general catch up type email.
I replied saying that I wished she hadn't kept asking me in front of anyone as I don't like talking about it and felt uncomfortable.

So it's been glossed over now, but touched on.

She should have properly apologized to you. That’s what a mature person with integrity who cares about others would do. The ability to admit when one is wrong and apologize is apparently something very few people will do.

are willing to develop, not will do.

This woman has clearly never been pulled up on her rudeness and been made to apologise to anyone, ever, as it's very clear that she hasn't a fucking clue how to apologise.

Just say "I'm sorry" or "I'm sorry that my constant badgering of you over the meal caused you distress" or "I'm sorry that I caused you distress at the family meal" but she hasn't done that.

@SliceOfCakeCupOfTea - in your situation, I think you have two options. The first is to take this email head on and deal with her pitiful excuse for an apology yourself. The second is to mention the email to your wonderful mother (who I gave a huge punch into the air cheer when I read that she had sent a text to your aunt about what she had said and done at the meal) and say that you were expecting an apology but you've read and re-read the message and can't seem to find one in the message and what does she make of it all. She might take it further herself or not.

I don't think I'd be so quick to let my aunt off the hook here. If it were me in this position, I think I might do a reply to all saying that you've read the email and both during and after the family meal you were very distressed by her line of questioning, you believe that your mum has mentioned it to her and you thought this email might actually contain a heartfelt apology for her conduct and for making you uncomfortable but you've read it multiple times and can't find the apology in the email. Perhaps she sent you the wrong email? I'd seriously drive home that her line of questioning was deeply personal, had absolutely nothing to do with her and even a young child would have realised that it was off-limits and apologised there and then for continually pressing for an answer that is none of their business.

Then again, I've been told that sometimes I am like a dog with a bone and won't give up trying to right a wrong when someone is happy with the situation they have in front of them.

Best of luck with whatever you decide to do.

This incident might have taught Auntie a valuable lesson, and it’s important that we all continue to learn throughout our lives.

What makes me angry is this pathetic myth that its unfair to have just one child being an only isnt terrible i loved it,never wanted siblings.never understood people who did My mum had two miscarriages before she had me and an awful pregnancy,injections with hormones to carry a baby,sick labour,jaundice. My dad would never let her go through that again.,

Only children do not turn into nasty selfish people i m not and nor are some of my friends who are.auntie should mind her own business you were definitely not in wrong.

maybe Auntie will think twice in future and not be such an intrusive meddling busy body.
Well done on standing up for yourself - in your shoes I'd have given the cousin's text a fairly sharp reply.

Crikey, your aunt should be the one apologising. She was extremely rude

'problems' -ugh.

It also assumes that the issues are yours - which is always assumed, but it could just as easily be the man in the couple who has the issue.