AIBU to have made my relatives uncomfortable?

[SliceOfCakeCupOfTea]

I was out at a family dinner last night. Extended family, aunts, uncles, cousins over from out of town along with my parents, and siblings. All had partners there except for my DH (and another cousin's DH) who were at work.

DH and I have been married for a number of years and have a 6 year old DS.
My DB and SIL (calling her that out of ease) have been together 3 years and have a (nearly) 2 year old DD and are expecting another baby later this year.

One of my Auntie's started asking DB when him and SIL were going to get married. They have no intention of getting married but Auntie wouldn't let it go. DB then said that they were too busy to get married and would rather spend their money on their kids, which then made aunt switch her attention on me and the fact that we only have 1 child. She kept going on and on about how DB's DD would at least have a sibling and how we were mean by prioritising our own wants over the 'needs' of DS. This went on and on and was really pissing me off. All of my cousins who have kids have at least 2. We're the only couple with 1 DC

I ended up saying, quite loudly mainly to be heard over her wittering on, that DH and I would have loved to have another DC, we had tried for years but unfortunately for us, it just didn't happen and we don't really expect that to change now.

I will admit, I am still quite 'wounded' about this, I would have loved another DC and it's been really hard watching my DB and SIL announce two pregnancies over the years. I've come to accept that it won't happen but that doesn't mean it doesn't still sting. I must have looked quite sad when I said the above as SIL put her hand on mine and my DM quickly changed the subject. Aunt looked really put out the rest of the meal and was muttering to my Uncle while glancing up at me every so often.

After the meal, my cousin (Auntie's daughter) text me to say that I had made the whole family feel uncomfortable with my 'revelation' and I shouldn't have announced it like that. Apparently Auntie was very miffed in the car ride home.

My DM said I did nothing wrong, SIL said the same. DB thinks I was making too much of a point and could have been politer with what I said.

Should I text or call my Auntie and/or respond to my cousin? I haven't yet because I don't really know what to say!

Exactly this. How dare your cousin text you that? What the hell???

The cousin will have heard a different version events. Don't shoot the messenger

I would have just said we only had one child because we were unable to have another.

Cousin was there. She was sat sort of opposite Auntie and down from me. We have a really big family so were sat on a long table. Auntie was sort if in the middle and I was up towards the top end.
No way cousin didn't hear.

I'd reply saying that auntie has made YOU uncomfortable and hurt and wouldn't stop talking about the subject which is why you responded honestly. I certainly would not be apologising. I would however be expecting an apology from her!

I got the impression from the OP that the cousin who sent the text was there.

DH thinks I should just ignore the message. My family have a knack for pretending things didn't happen, but I always get the feeling that things are simmering underneath. I don't want awkwardness in the future, but also, I don't want to reply.

Your aunt sounds completely insensitive. It's very rude to badger people about their marriage plans and children. Who does she think she is? Such bad manners. Then her daughter has the cheek to say you made her uncomfortable!! When she'd made YOU and your brother uncomfortable for ages. You were right to shut her up and hopefully she won't be so rude again. Definitely don't apologise!!

That is the whole point of the thread, it's what OP said to deter her aunt from asking so many questions! Did you even bother reading at least the OP?

You did nothing wrong, she’s got a bloody cheek making out like she’s the injured party when she’s been so incredibly insensitive- do not apologise, she should be ashamed of herself and apologise to you.

She should apologise, not you. It's lovely to hear you have a kind mum and SIL in your corner though.

Reply to your cousin in the vein that you tried to deflect Auntie's repeated badgering on the matter, that the matter was a sensitive one and she wouldn't stop, and that you hope that now at least she will know not to pursue it further.

Don't text or call your Auntie about this. You've done nothing wrong. She caused this by her repeated badgering and she got shut down. It would be best that when you meet again on family occasions to just move on past this and not get near the subject.

Oh boohoo you made them feel uncomfortable - what about how she made you feel, or how uncomfortable the whole experience of infertility is? Your Auntie owes you an apology not the other way.
I say this as someone who is also suffering secondary infertility - I would have absolutely done the same, and I'm glad you did as it has been a reminder to people to watch what they say and that not all life paths are in our control.

After the meal, my cousin (Auntie's daughter) text me to say that I had made the whole family feel uncomfortable with my 'revelation' and I shouldn't have announced it like that. Apparently Auntie was very miffed in the car ride home.

I’d reply “Auntie made me feel very uncomfortable with her relentless tactless questioning. I think she got off lightly with a straight answer rather than being told just how upsetting and inappropriate she was being.”

This your aunt is a bloody rude nosy mare she doesn’t deserve a response.

^ This.

Fuck the auld witch. Hugs xx

If Auntie doesn't want to end up miffed she needs to learn to keep her gob shut about other people's private business!

Perhaps you could have been politer-but why should you?

She was rude, you were possibly rude back.

She wanted an answer and she got one!

She's probably of an age where she should know better than to talk of this stuff anyway.

Spot on.

Auntie was rude and deserved to feel bad about her rudeness.

I would reply Aunt x needs to learn when to stfu!
Only a bit politer.

Your aunty needs to learn that other people’s fertility is none of her business. I hope she comes back and apologises for being nosey and bringing up something that’s a sore point for you.

Yes. Please do this.

Aunt was pressing buttons until she got a response she could then be dramatic about.

I kept being asked that question, someone suggested I loudly say DH was impotent. Even telling that as a story shut everyone up.

This is such shocking behaviour. What the hell does someone else's marriage and another person's size of family got to do with this woman? She needs to mind her own business. And I hope when your brother and SIL get married, this aunt is not on the wedding list.

Well your cousin seems to have inherited your mother's lack of consideration and basic social competence. Please don't give in and apologise to your cousin. She'll pass on the apology to your cheeky mare of an aunt and it will justify her poor behaviour going forward. She deserved to be humbled.

Your cousin is as insensitive as her mother and I'd have text back to that effect. If anything I thought you were going to say she was apologising on her mother's behalf. You don't and shouldn't apologise. People like your aunt run their mouth off because noone ever challenges them. Hopefully she'll know think twice but don't back down and apologise when all you did was speak the truth.

Okay. I'm going to reply to cousin.

Planning on saying:

"Hi Cousin, was really nice to see you all and catch up today. Sorry if my revelation was hard to hear. I hadn't wanted to share something so personal over a family get together but it's really difficult when someone keeps asking you why you aren't having more children and telling me I'm selfish. Believe me, I would have rather not had to say anything but I was getting quite upset with all the questions. At least it's out there now and we can all move on and focus on the kids that we do have."

Too much?