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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Responsibility towards niece and nephew

369 replies

Emotionalstorm · 28/06/2023 15:09

I don't know if I'm being unreasonable.

My sister in law is a qualified GP but has chosen not to work because she said that she found the job bad for her mental health. After 6 months of sick leave, she has been a stay at home mum for three years now.

Her husband has failed his medical exams so won't be able to make consultant. His income is around £65k as a trainee doctor and has stagnated. He's also not hungry and won't take locum work for extra pay.

My husband earns quite a lot (more than £1M each year) but it varies based on the profits of the business. He thinks there will be a slowdown in work in the next 12 months so his income may go down.

We are planning to send our daughter to private school in September. SIL caught wind of this and sent her husband over to ask us to help them out because the cost of living crisis is hitting them hard. They think that their kids should also be sent to private school if their cousin gets to go. They said it might cause resentment between cousins.

We can comfortably afford to send all three kids to private school this year but there's no guarantee we can fund this for all three kids up until they're 18 so we don't want to make this kind of financial commitment. I also find it a bit insulting that my SIL chose not to work as a GP or find an alternative career. Both my husband and I work (although I work only 3 days a week part time - I earn around £120k a year so much less than my husband). Why should we be subsidising their lifestyle so they get the same thing as us when they have a SAHM. My husband has also been on stress leave in the last 12 months and is very overworked. We have been discussing cutting his working days to 3 or 4 days a week but he would not feel comfortable doing this if he has to fund three kids through private school till they're 18.

When we go out together (with in laws) we always settle the whole bill and when we go on holiday we also pick up the bill.

My husband and I make financial decisions jointly so if one of us vetoes then we don't go ahead with the plan. I plan to veto and he is not keen to fund his nephew and niece's school fees either. We help them out here and there. We buy them everything on their wishlist (toys books etc) so it's not like we do not help out.

However, this may of course put my husband in a difficult position with his brother and we are worried they may restrict our access to their children. I am very close to my niece and she misses me terribly when I am too busy to visit her. She sends me voice messages asking me to come.

I feel a bit guilty because I do love her. Should I just suck it up and take on this financial responsibility.

Please note that although my husband earns more than me, I have more assets than him so we have equal say over what we do with our money.

OP posts:
Sirzy · 28/06/2023 15:11

They are taking advantage of uou. Don’t let them

Original poster
Emotionalstorm · 28/06/2023 15:12

Sirzy · 28/06/2023 15:11

They are taking advantage of uou. Don’t let them

Thank you. I thought so too. But my husband's family think I'm being stingy so I wanted to sense check my decision.

OP posts:
Lesssugarketchup · 28/06/2023 15:13

one huge gap in your Op

What the hell does your husband think? You know the one who is highly stressed in his m current job?

Lesssugarketchup · 28/06/2023 15:13

Emotionalstorm · 28/06/2023 15:12

Thank you. I thought so too. But my husband's family think I'm being stingy so I wanted to sense check my decision.

Show quote history

Goodness everyone’s having a chat about it!

Hillarious · 28/06/2023 15:14

My friend put two of her children through state school and one was educated privately. No resentment there amongst the siblings.

Codlingmoths · 28/06/2023 15:14

We are sending our dc to private school. Not all of their cousins will necessarily go to private school. Their parents would never assume we would be responsible for that! Your sister doesn’t even work. Ok fine she hates being a gp. Find something else then. Do her a favour and say no, you’re intelligent and capable and you don’t have to work as a gp of course but you could retrain and do a huge range of things. If I were you I’d add my kids don’t have a stay at home mum, I haven’t seen you offering to have them instead of day care so they don’t resent your children getting all that at home time.

Original poster
Emotionalstorm · 28/06/2023 15:15

Lesssugarketchup · 28/06/2023 15:13

one huge gap in your Op

What the hell does your husband think? You know the one who is highly stressed in his m current job?

He doesn't know what to do but he's worried that if he has a mental breakdown and goes on leave again the funding may dry up and the niece and nephew would have to be taken out of private school. He thinks that would be worse than not sending them at all.

OP posts:
AgnesX · 28/06/2023 15:15

There are lots of jobs your sister can do with her qualifications - she doesn't have to be a GP.

It's their choice for her not to work and for your BIL not to take additional work.

It's not your responsibility to pay to educate their children.

FanFanBam · 28/06/2023 15:15

Please, please, do not take on this financial responsibility. If nothing else your husband has indicated that his income might fall over the next 12 months. Also, you’re being massively taken advantage of. I’m actually angry on your behalf that they even asked.

Codlingmoths · 28/06/2023 15:16

Sorry , your sil I mean. Has your husbands brother always expected to live off your husband? (Granted he is properly rich, but still.)

BiscuitsandPuffin · 28/06/2023 15:16

Wow. Where to begin?

Being a doctor is a really stressful job and it almost sounds like you blame your SIL/BIL for the fact they didn't launch glittering careers as consultants?? I find this a very odd attitude as it reads like you're looking down on them for him earning double the national average and her taking extensive time off for her MH.

Having said that, I think they're both unbelievably CFs for expecting you to sub them private school fees for their own children, that's just rude and entitled. YANBU to say no and do what you want with your money.

But if it was my sister and I was a millionaire I'd pay for her kids to have the same standard of living as mine, school fees must be a drop in the ocean when you earn that much as well as having the assets you mentioned.

Original poster
Emotionalstorm · 28/06/2023 15:17

Codlingmoths · 28/06/2023 15:14

We are sending our dc to private school. Not all of their cousins will necessarily go to private school. Their parents would never assume we would be responsible for that! Your sister doesn’t even work. Ok fine she hates being a gp. Find something else then. Do her a favour and say no, you’re intelligent and capable and you don’t have to work as a gp of course but you could retrain and do a huge range of things. If I were you I’d add my kids don’t have a stay at home mum, I haven’t seen you offering to have them instead of day care so they don’t resent your children getting all that at home time.

Yes I will do this. I am happy for my husband to shift all of the blame to me as well if it makes things easier for him. I think I will fold less easily under their judgement.

OP posts:
Toddler101 · 28/06/2023 15:18

What do you do @Emotionalstorm ?

YANBU to expect your DB and SIL to support their own family lifestyle within their means.

Original poster
Emotionalstorm · 28/06/2023 15:19

BiscuitsandPuffin · 28/06/2023 15:16

Wow. Where to begin?

Being a doctor is a really stressful job and it almost sounds like you blame your SIL/BIL for the fact they didn't launch glittering careers as consultants?? I find this a very odd attitude as it reads like you're looking down on them for him earning double the national average and her taking extensive time off for her MH.

Having said that, I think they're both unbelievably CFs for expecting you to sub them private school fees for their own children, that's just rude and entitled. YANBU to say no and do what you want with your money.

But if it was my sister and I was a millionaire I'd pay for her kids to have the same standard of living as mine, school fees must be a drop in the ocean when you earn that much as well as having the assets you mentioned.

I don't look down on my SIL for being a SAHM. I look down on her for expecting us to pay for her kids because she doesn't want to cut down on her lifestyle despite dropping down to one income. She stays at nicer hotels than us when on holiday when we don't go together.

OP posts:
cocksstrideintheevening · 28/06/2023 15:19

This is mad. Why would you pay for you nephews and nieces to go to private school?

Is this a cultural expectation?

Lesssugarketchup · 28/06/2023 15:19

Emotionalstorm · 28/06/2023 15:15

He doesn't know what to do but he's worried that if he has a mental breakdown and goes on leave again the funding may dry up and the niece and nephew would have to be taken out of private school. He thinks that would be worse than not sending them at all.

Show quote history

Listen to your husband OP

He talks sense

LlynTegid · 28/06/2023 15:20

Regardless of their circumstances, you cannot make a commitment until they are 18 so should not.

Your response is a valid one.

DisforDarkChocolate · 28/06/2023 15:20

The only way I'd ever pay for someone else's children to go to private school (I'd need to get rich first) is if they only had a year or two to go, or were very close to exams.

What happens if they have more children, are you going to have to pay for them too?

Finally, lots of doctors don't get to consultant level and still have a solid career. There are also loads of jobs your SIL could do without being a GP that pay well.

Lesssugarketchup · 28/06/2023 15:20

Emotionalstorm · 28/06/2023 15:15

He doesn't know what to do but he's worried that if he has a mental breakdown and goes on leave again the funding may dry up and the niece and nephew would have to be taken out of private school. He thinks that would be worse than not sending them at all.

Show quote history

“He’s worried”

aren’t…. You?

Original poster
Emotionalstorm · 28/06/2023 15:21

BiscuitsandPuffin · 28/06/2023 15:16

Wow. Where to begin?

Being a doctor is a really stressful job and it almost sounds like you blame your SIL/BIL for the fact they didn't launch glittering careers as consultants?? I find this a very odd attitude as it reads like you're looking down on them for him earning double the national average and her taking extensive time off for her MH.

Having said that, I think they're both unbelievably CFs for expecting you to sub them private school fees for their own children, that's just rude and entitled. YANBU to say no and do what you want with your money.

But if it was my sister and I was a millionaire I'd pay for her kids to have the same standard of living as mine, school fees must be a drop in the ocean when you earn that much as well as having the assets you mentioned.

I do pay for a lot of their stuff. I pay for nieces clothes and toys and also ballet and swimming lessons but private school is an 14 year commitment. What if our financial situation changes? It's also really expensive.

OP posts:
Original poster
Emotionalstorm · 28/06/2023 15:22

Lesssugarketchup · 28/06/2023 15:20

“He’s worried”

aren’t…. You?

Show quote history

Yes I am. I would prefer to cut down on our spending and have have him work less days for his health.

OP posts:
Whatelsecouldibecalled · 28/06/2023 15:22

Missing the point but what do you do to earn 120k on 3 days a week??

Original poster
Emotionalstorm · 28/06/2023 15:22

Whatelsecouldibecalled · 28/06/2023 15:22

Missing the point but what do you do to earn 120k on 3 days a week??

I work as a restructuring lawyer. I'm a senior associate.

OP posts:
TheGreenSketch · 28/06/2023 15:22

@Hillarious my ex husband privately schooled one of his children and not the others. It caused considerable resentment which only revealed itself years after they left. There was a feeling amongst them that they shouldn’t also get a deposit for a house. The disparity between private and state school is enormous. The school trips and experiences etc cost thousands on top of the fees every year. It was deeply unfair. But that’s siblings, not cousins. Nuts to assume an uncle should fund such.

Ouchee · 28/06/2023 15:23

I'll disagree with the majority here I'm sure but I would try and contribute to my niece's and nephew's education.

I agree it sounds like paying full fees is likely to put too high a burden on your husband but I wpuld consider a trust with some money in for them, once you've ringfenced enough to make sure your child would be completely supported.

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