Responsibility towards niece and nephew

[Emotionalstorm]

I don't know if I'm being unreasonable.

My sister in law is a qualified GP but has chosen not to work because she said that she found the job bad for her mental health. After 6 months of sick leave, she has been a stay at home mum for three years now.

Her husband has failed his medical exams so won't be able to make consultant. His income is around £65k as a trainee doctor and has stagnated. He's also not hungry and won't take locum work for extra pay.

My husband earns quite a lot (more than £1M each year) but it varies based on the profits of the business. He thinks there will be a slowdown in work in the next 12 months so his income may go down.

We are planning to send our daughter to private school in September. SIL caught wind of this and sent her husband over to ask us to help them out because the cost of living crisis is hitting them hard. They think that their kids should also be sent to private school if their cousin gets to go. They said it might cause resentment between cousins.

We can comfortably afford to send all three kids to private school this year but there's no guarantee we can fund this for all three kids up until they're 18 so we don't want to make this kind of financial commitment. I also find it a bit insulting that my SIL chose not to work as a GP or find an alternative career. Both my husband and I work (although I work only 3 days a week part time - I earn around £120k a year so much less than my husband). Why should we be subsidising their lifestyle so they get the same thing as us when they have a SAHM. My husband has also been on stress leave in the last 12 months and is very overworked. We have been discussing cutting his working days to 3 or 4 days a week but he would not feel comfortable doing this if he has to fund three kids through private school till they're 18.

When we go out together (with in laws) we always settle the whole bill and when we go on holiday we also pick up the bill.

My husband and I make financial decisions jointly so if one of us vetoes then we don't go ahead with the plan. I plan to veto and he is not keen to fund his nephew and niece's school fees either. We help them out here and there. We buy them everything on their wishlist (toys books etc) so it's not like we do not help out.

However, this may of course put my husband in a difficult position with his brother and we are worried they may restrict our access to their children. I am very close to my niece and she misses me terribly when I am too busy to visit her. She sends me voice messages asking me to come.

I feel a bit guilty because I do love her. Should I just suck it up and take on this financial responsibility.

Please note that although my husband earns more than me, I have more assets than him so we have equal say over what we do with our money.

I specifically said that you're not being unreasonable, and that addresses your question to me.

I DO think you're pretty damn judgy though.

On another thread you say your SIL is Asian. That might explain her experience.

but basically you can’t stand the woman. It drips from your posts. She’s “fancy” she “sent” her husband over, she gets “depressed and grumpy” when things don’t go her way.

When did your fortune change? A couple of months ago you could barely afford clothes. Now you make clams of millions. Sure, Jan…

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/style_and_beauty/4753001-can-we-talk-about-clothing-brands-and-target-demographics?page=9&reply=124422512

I think you mean fewer days, not less days.

But he already only does 4 days a week…

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4755603-3-day-weekend-to-think-this-what-is-needed-to-have-a-decent-quality-of-life?page=10&reply=124486861

You’ve had a lot of help from your parents (who divorced when you were young in some of your posts, and are still together in some of your other posts). Do why wouldn’t you help another family member who needs it?

First rule of trolling. Always remember what you’ve posted before.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4795961-bank-of-mum-and-dad?page=3&reply=125820794

Good one @WhoHasTimeForThat

On that other thread OP

My husband and I have a combined income of £2M plus a year or thereabouts.

Your income on this threads has stopped my almost £1 million!

Op you say the following

My parents have been very generous and have brought us a family home in Wimbledon and they also put the maximum amount into a junior ISA for my daughter each year so that she will have funds for uni and to get a good start at life.

Our parents also buy our little one lots of gifts so we hardly need to buy any clothes or toys.

😂

Wow! That was some great detective work! Maybe it the same person who's im so rich pist was removed last week...

Why the fuck should the Op help SIL because her parents are have a uni fund for ops kid?

Mumnet can be bonkers.

Im still gobsmacked op's MILdoes childcare 5 days a week for SIL who is a stay at home mum.

I also would not be inclined to help these CF. Regardless of how much money you have they are clearly spongers.

This!⬆️ They are the ULTIMATE cheeky f@ckers for even asking...or demanding, as it sounds like! Who do they think they are? I would be FUMING!

Don't even consider it! You've already said that your husband is stressed about having to support your own family through private education - how the hell can you even think of almost doubling that pressure??

I mean, Sezane, Cos and Toast are hardly "cheaper high street brands" like Primark, Matalan and Asda (where most of my - and others in my circle - clothes come from!)

If I'm feeling flush, I might go to M&S or Next.

OP definitely has a different definition of "affordable".

I have often wondered if this poster is a bit of a fantasist. Her posts on various other people’s threads are often quite attention seeking about this alleged Wimbledon house and immense wealth. 🫢

But in April the income was £2mil
now it’s a paltry £1.2 mil

😂

Cost of living crisis affects us all ! 🤣🤣

The BIL allegedly earns £65pa but isn't able to cover the costs of his daughter attending a private nursery? or funding her clothes or toys? really?

And even though 'Katie' (the niece) hasn't started nursery yet, she has a "headmaster" who's described her as having "great potential"?!

The SIL is a SAHM but her MIL helps with childcare 5 days/week?
And the OP only works 3 days/week, and the MIL doesn't even spend 1 day/week with her DD?
But nobody thinks this arrangement might 'cause resentment' between the cousins or their parents?

There are loads of things in this story that don't add up, never mind the inconsistencies with what's been posted on other threads (about the days worked/ actual income/ limited clothes budget etc)

I do pay for a lot of their stuff. I pay for nieces clothes and toys and also ballet and swimming lessons

How do you buy her clothes-like how does this actually happen? Does the SIL say they have no clothes and you feel sorry for them and do an internet order? Do you all go shopping together? I have never bought clothes for someone else’s child unless it was an odd dress/top as a present.

How old are the niece and nephew?

OK after reading all this, seems like the Op is a fantasist. Perhaps you are a bit wealthier but not in the millions yet you resent other family members wanting handouts. But there are too many gaps now.

SIL is a cheeky fucker causing issues between you all. Nip it in the bud. If she wants that lifestyle for her children she needs to work for it. All three of you need to tell her to pack it in.

If I was rich I would want to treat loved ones to lovely treats and experiences, but any expectations and greed would take all the joy out of it. It must be difficult to manage.

I’m sorry to disappoint you SIL but we are not able to guarantee school fees for the whole time they are in education.

DH’s work is already winding down and he is looking at reducing his hours for his own health and to enable him to spend more time with his own DC.

We are happy to continue funding ballet, swimming, treats etc but not willing to commit to something which may be unaffordable in the long term.

If you wanted to, you could say that you will consider revisiting it when they are coming up to GCSE years (10 & 11). Maybe switch the ballet and swimming to private tutor lessons outside school.

It was the “I’m on a tight budget” part that I was commenting on.

Despite the face that they make £1.1million on one thread, over £2m on another (but what’s £900k between friends, eh?). This poster has been caught “embellishing the truth” numerous tens but are keeps coming back posting more complete bollocks and people still believe her.

I cannot imagine why you would love such tacky grabby vulgar entitled people.

In your place I would be pulling away and putting distance between us.

I certainly wouldn't want their grubby entitlement around my children.

Also, it sounds like they know far too much of your business.

On both sides of our family, everyone is both successful and well off, some privately educated their children, like us, others chose not to.

We have never discussed money and what we have with them, in 30 years of marriage.

It would never occur to us to do so.
It has never come up.

I think you need to stop giving them information that is none of their business.

Especially as their characters are so crass and entitled.

I know, right!

Wait a frickin' second. Your SIL is a SAHP and your MIL STILL watches her children every day?

I am going to be honest here. I don't think your SIL has any mental health problems except for an overly inflated sense of entitlement and false self-righteousness. Was she burned out for a bit? Probably. But then, she found she doesn't need to work because she can whine her way into being well-off by sucking you and your DH dry, financially, mentally and emotionally.

Your priority HAS to be your DC and your DH and YOU! Loving your niece and nephew does not mean supporting them in the style that your SIL wants to pretend she has.

The fact that your BIL didn't get the one check shows he is as bad as his NVDW. He may ACT like he is just going along to get along, but make no mistake, he is fully invested in living a lifestyle that he cannot afford. He just has better acting skills.

Have you ever read the book, "If You Give a Mouse a Cookie"? If you haven't, please read it because it's not just a message for children. It can be a handy learning took for adults too.

The more you give, the more they'll want and they will go to great lengths to get it. Mark my words.

Because your SIL has taken on the role of puppet-master and you and your DH keep letting her make you dance to her tune.

It's time for a cold turkey wake-up call for them. No more paid holidays, no more paying for every dinner (separate checks please) and no more letting either one of the supposed "adults" of that family manipulate either of you with threats of "resentment" and "access to children".

If you feed a bear every day, don't be surprised when he chases you down because you forgot this time.

Yes, I use a lot of idioms and adages in my writing. Now, go give your SIL/BIL their reality check and make sure they cash it. 😉