Responsibility towards niece and nephew

[Emotionalstorm]

I don't know if I'm being unreasonable.

My sister in law is a qualified GP but has chosen not to work because she said that she found the job bad for her mental health. After 6 months of sick leave, she has been a stay at home mum for three years now.

Her husband has failed his medical exams so won't be able to make consultant. His income is around £65k as a trainee doctor and has stagnated. He's also not hungry and won't take locum work for extra pay.

My husband earns quite a lot (more than £1M each year) but it varies based on the profits of the business. He thinks there will be a slowdown in work in the next 12 months so his income may go down.

We are planning to send our daughter to private school in September. SIL caught wind of this and sent her husband over to ask us to help them out because the cost of living crisis is hitting them hard. They think that their kids should also be sent to private school if their cousin gets to go. They said it might cause resentment between cousins.

We can comfortably afford to send all three kids to private school this year but there's no guarantee we can fund this for all three kids up until they're 18 so we don't want to make this kind of financial commitment. I also find it a bit insulting that my SIL chose not to work as a GP or find an alternative career. Both my husband and I work (although I work only 3 days a week part time - I earn around £120k a year so much less than my husband). Why should we be subsidising their lifestyle so they get the same thing as us when they have a SAHM. My husband has also been on stress leave in the last 12 months and is very overworked. We have been discussing cutting his working days to 3 or 4 days a week but he would not feel comfortable doing this if he has to fund three kids through private school till they're 18.

When we go out together (with in laws) we always settle the whole bill and when we go on holiday we also pick up the bill.

My husband and I make financial decisions jointly so if one of us vetoes then we don't go ahead with the plan. I plan to veto and he is not keen to fund his nephew and niece's school fees either. We help them out here and there. We buy them everything on their wishlist (toys books etc) so it's not like we do not help out.

However, this may of course put my husband in a difficult position with his brother and we are worried they may restrict our access to their children. I am very close to my niece and she misses me terribly when I am too busy to visit her. She sends me voice messages asking me to come.

I feel a bit guilty because I do love her. Should I just suck it up and take on this financial responsibility.

Please note that although my husband earns more than me, I have more assets than him so we have equal say over what we do with our money.

Just say no! It’s not your responsibility!

I’m a bit gobsmacked by their cheek to be honest. Your SIL and BIL lifestyle is their choice. They have wasted the opportunities they were given. I would stop picking up their costs apart from perhaps treating the children on birthdays and Christmas. I would reign back on the holidays and dinners with them as well unless you make it clear beforehand that the bill will be shared equally then they can decide whether to attend or not. I would also tell them clearly that your finances are none of their business nor the rest of the family’s either. We paid for our daughter to be privately educated from 4 until she finished her PhD. None of the rest of the family or their children were educated privately at the time. Was there any resentment - none whatsoever - they were all really pleased for her to have the opportunity which we funded through sheer hard work. Your SIL and BIL are a pair of CF’s!

My dsis and bil are both high earners. We are not. Dc’s cousins have always had more that them growing up and they cousins have all just been paid through university. Mine have had to/will have to use a student loan and get a job. My dc and their cousins are very close.

When we go out we take turns to pay because we are all adults and should be self reliant. I wouldn’t dream of taking money from dsis except in a “life or death” situation.

Your sil and bil have the ability to earn more money if they choose but are earning plenty to have a comfortable life. You see to your own dd and let them take care of theirs.

You can't commit to that. It's simple.

@thaegumathteth Perhaps only the niece does activities and the nephew is really tiny. Op is talking about funding 14 years a piece so doesn’t sound as if these kids are even primary age, or perhaps the niece is.

Things I would consider op but not necessarily all -

• Help with ongoing private tuition, including for 11+ if applicable
• Help with parental housing to get into the catchment for a highly rated school
• Possible help for secondary but do bear in mind once a child has gone to private secondary, they are likely want to go to 6th form
• Trust fund for 18
• Trust fund for house deposit to release at ages 21/23/25
• Extra curricular activities for enrichment

What I wouldn’t do is commit to 14 years of private school fees and all the trimmings. My dd has been at private secondary in the senior part of the school (so highest fees) for almost 2 years now. The fees started at just over 13k and have gone up almost 2k to 15k for next year. It’s not an expensive school but it’s the one of her choosing. Then there’s the bus and school trips, Duke of Edinburgh award etc etc.

They think that their kids should also be sent to private school if their cousin gets to go. They said it might cause resentment between cousins.

we are worried they may restrict our access to their children

They are emotionally blackmailing you. They could work more if they really wanted to put their kids through private school. I’m sorry but I think they’re being CF. You’ve almost certainly budgeted for the children you have, or are planning to have.

Absolutely not. They have made their decisions and I bet your husband works his guts out too.

Private school fees, University fees and accommodation costs, gap year costs, driving lessons and cars, deposits for houses, cosmetic dentistry or orthodontics, gender reassignment surgery, expensive counselling, weddings then divorces - the possibilities to shakedown many thousands over many years so that cousins have the same is endless…

I bet they do 🙄

Yeah maybe they're babies but honestly the rest of your post just has me saying 'what? Why?' . They are cheeky bastards and OP should not reward and enable that.

I think he’s absolutely right. If you have to pull your own DD out of private school, I’m sure you will cope and you’ll do all you can to soften the blow for her moving. If things go wrong and your niece & nephew have to leave private school, they’ll be hell to pay and you’ll be demonised by your entire family!

I think they have an almighty cheek for asking. Seriously, who would do that? It’s one thing treating family to a holiday or picking up the tab for a special meal. It’s quite another to commit to this huge expense for the next 14 years.

They need to act as adults and cut their cost according to their cloth.

Putting kids through private school is a massive financial commitment and if your in-laws sound incredibly entitled to think they can back-paddle on their careers safe in the knowledge that their siblings will pick up the financial slack! Threatening to stop you from seeing your nieces and nephews if you don't pay their school fees is also quite manipulative and spiteful.

I would help them out if they didn’t have food, heating or a roof over their heads. If they were good company I might also invited them on holiday. You don’t need to fund very lavish schooling choices.

gender reassignment surgery

😘😆

She lives in cloud cuckoo land

You never know these days @MsRosley!

@Emotionalstorm it sounds like you really love your niece and nephew and are already extremely generous. This isn't a little extra something, but a HUGE financial commitment (with potential for emotional blackmail should you ever struggle to pay) and it should be a very firm no.

I think you're so naturally generous that you're not sure if this request is cheeky or not. So almost everyone here is giving you that perspective - it's pretty outrageous!

I'm afraid I agree with PPs who say it's also time to gently cut back on other things. Not sure why you are paying for their holidays. That would be an obvious thing to stop.

Out of interest, were the swimming and ballet classes a birthday gift or did the parents ask for these?

I'm also a fan of @SunnyFrost response. Providing your DH is comfortable sharing the pressure he's feeling. Mostly you just need to be direct and robust on this - closing down the whole issue.

No. You shouldfeel under no obligation to fund privateschooling for their child. Ridiculous.

I can see them thinking £40 per annum is a drop in the ocean to you.

I can understand your worries. With jobs like this comes high stress and risk.

Also, if Labour get in next time they are talking about adding VAT so that will increase the financial burden.

I think they should be responsible for their own ship.

My auntie and uncle have well over £100mil and I have never, ever, never dreamed of putting them in a situation like this. You just don't go around asking people to fund your lifestyle, like you're a charity, in my humble opinion.

I'm happy to send my child to an outstanding state school and accept that as my place in the world and grateful for it.

So have you said no and now they are complaining? Who else is criticising your decision? His parents?

IMO their request is outrageous, and if I were in your position there is no way I would ever make such a commitment for many years into the future. The fact that you help with holidays etc is plenty.
Your BIL could resit his medical exams or retrain as a GP. Your SIL could work part time. They have made choices which restrict their income, but they need to accept responsibility for those.
I know it is not directly relevant but given the state of the NHS I find it bordering on unacceptable that your SIL chooses not to make a contribution to society by working part time. They sound as they are 'takers' but do not want to give anything back.

Another one wondering if there are cultural expectations at play here. I don’t know anyone with quite the arrangement that the SIL wants but several friends of south Asian heritage have made comments about their finances and families which chime with OP’s posts.

Why are you paying for anything for them? Why ballet classes? That doesn't make sense. I just can't imagine a world where two people could earn well and are highly educated would decide not to do that and to rely on in laws to pay for any treats.

FFS, stand up to them!

They made their choices....

If it means you don't see your Niece(s)/Nephew(s) then so be it.

Maybe your husband’s family should put their money where their mouths are, and help pay for your niece’s and nephew’s private education - but it is much easier for them to try to guilt trip you and your dh. Next time they message you, ask them why they aren’t willing to put their hands into their own pockets, given how much you already support this family.