Responsibility towards niece and nephew

[Emotionalstorm]

I don't know if I'm being unreasonable.

My sister in law is a qualified GP but has chosen not to work because she said that she found the job bad for her mental health. After 6 months of sick leave, she has been a stay at home mum for three years now.

Her husband has failed his medical exams so won't be able to make consultant. His income is around £65k as a trainee doctor and has stagnated. He's also not hungry and won't take locum work for extra pay.

My husband earns quite a lot (more than £1M each year) but it varies based on the profits of the business. He thinks there will be a slowdown in work in the next 12 months so his income may go down.

We are planning to send our daughter to private school in September. SIL caught wind of this and sent her husband over to ask us to help them out because the cost of living crisis is hitting them hard. They think that their kids should also be sent to private school if their cousin gets to go. They said it might cause resentment between cousins.

We can comfortably afford to send all three kids to private school this year but there's no guarantee we can fund this for all three kids up until they're 18 so we don't want to make this kind of financial commitment. I also find it a bit insulting that my SIL chose not to work as a GP or find an alternative career. Both my husband and I work (although I work only 3 days a week part time - I earn around £120k a year so much less than my husband). Why should we be subsidising their lifestyle so they get the same thing as us when they have a SAHM. My husband has also been on stress leave in the last 12 months and is very overworked. We have been discussing cutting his working days to 3 or 4 days a week but he would not feel comfortable doing this if he has to fund three kids through private school till they're 18.

When we go out together (with in laws) we always settle the whole bill and when we go on holiday we also pick up the bill.

My husband and I make financial decisions jointly so if one of us vetoes then we don't go ahead with the plan. I plan to veto and he is not keen to fund his nephew and niece's school fees either. We help them out here and there. We buy them everything on their wishlist (toys books etc) so it's not like we do not help out.

However, this may of course put my husband in a difficult position with his brother and we are worried they may restrict our access to their children. I am very close to my niece and she misses me terribly when I am too busy to visit her. She sends me voice messages asking me to come.

I feel a bit guilty because I do love her. Should I just suck it up and take on this financial responsibility.

Please note that although my husband earns more than me, I have more assets than him so we have equal say over what we do with our money.

I think it's a real cheek to ask, is it GPs wanting the same for all their GCs and saying you should pay?

If things were reversed would they be happy to pay for your children? It's like you giving your BiL/SiL an extra income every month, why should you. And what about extras if the cousins want all the extra curricular things, music lessons, trips abroad, extra tuition, etc, it could become a bottomless pit.

If you can afford it you could offer a lump sum as a contribution and say that's it. Once that's gone they have to earn the money themselves, like everyone else. Although I bet they would come back for more!

Other options are to offer to pay a % towards the school fees and limit it in time to primary only (put this in writing). Or perhaps consider helping for secondary education when your financial position is more secure.

But ultimately it comes down to whether you want to do this and/or whether you can afford to give help should your DH have a drop in salary.

I don't think it's relevant if you earn a million, 2 million or 20 million and could fund the lot with small change

Not your responsibility

'No. We won't be doing that'

Their family made a lifestyle choice. They live with the consequences of that

I would wager a lot you don’t get on with the sil

@Emotionalstorm yanbu in not helping them live a lifestyle beyond their means when behind closed doors you have your own worries especially about the sustainability of their suggestion.

you said it yourself that DH is often bailing out his brother - maybe that needs to stop now and this is where it ends.

I reckon the only folks bothered will be the top good too work in laws not the children.

Stand firm. This is a no. You have other things to consider beyond finances and they don’t need to know it all.

How old are the DC?

"chosen not to work because she said that she found the job bad for her mental health" ... "My husband has also been on stress leave in the last 12 months and is very overworked"

As I said she's not being unreasonable, but she clearly has a double standard where the SIL is "saying" she has mental health issues but her huband "actually" does.

My older brothers went to an independent school on an Assisted Places Scheme. They then went to Oxford and Durham. One in particular earns £££ in finance. The other's a state primary school teacher, so is OK but not rich.

By the time me and my sister started secondary school, the council had stopped it, so we went to a comprehensive. We're both doing OK, I'm a nurse (but did my training pre diploma/degree so I didn't go to uni) and my sister after working for a few years did a degree in Hospitality. Her college had just changed from a poly to a university so wasn't as prestigious as Oxford or Durham.

This bothered our parents far more than it bothered us, the two youngest, and girls in particular, getting the "inferior" education. I've never been bothered, I'm not particularly academic and wanted to go to the comprehensive! I can't speak for my sister, but she's never brought it up (if she was upset by it, she would have said so.) It was just one of those things, timing etc. I reckon I would have been miserable at an independent school tbh, I'd worry I was l letting people down by not making the most of it.

(Plus unlike my brothers I've got a strong London accent and would have felt out of place....imagine Kat Slater being privately educated and you get my drift!

I doubt your children's cousins would resent it if your kids were educated privately and they were, but obviously your SIL would. Just who the fuck does she think she is, to demand your husband fund her children's education while she herself doesn't work?

I think it's fine, sensible in fact, to say no.

But I wonder if your reasoning is the source of the bad reactions. You seem to mainly be concerned about them getting what you have. It's not a competition you know.

*they weren't

Sorry the point of my post was in our family, 2 kids got the independent education and the other 2 the comprehensive. So why should cousins get the same education?

Cheeky beggers! No absolutely not. Sounds like you pay for far too much as it is!! SIL needs to get a job. Living the life of riley

Honestly I wouldn't even consider doing this.

I'd say you should be assessing your finances and considering what you'd do if your DH had to give up work if he's prone to going off with stress. I certainly don't think you should be splashing the cash although your DHs choice should hold a lot of weight as it's his family and he earns a significant amount more.

That's really cheeky.

You should definitely not commit to paying for their private education.

That they have asked this seems completely unreasonable to me. It sounds like it would be an enormous burden for you and your DH to take on for the best part of 20 years. And what's to say they wouldn't expect you to pay their tuition fees at uni too? Or help with a deposit for a house? I don't think you can say anything but no tbh.

Hell no! Why should BIL be hungry when you pay for everything? SIL doesn’t need to work to contribute to his salary because YOU do. Tell them their kids had better start studying because they’re going to need to apply for scholarships if they haven’t got their shit together. *Also, stop subsidizing them. Cousins aren’t the same as siblings. You are not obliged to equalize the lifestyles that their parents have no intention of supporting.

Another one asking if this is a cultural expectation ? It is the only thing I can think of that makes this request even a tiny bit 'normal' ... or perhaps the business your DH earns such a fabulous income from was maybe a 'family business' that he inherited as the eldest and somehow feels he 'owes' his brother some of the income ?

If either of the above..

My response would be that we could possibly help towards the fees occasionally BUT only if SIL got a job to cover the lions share . Because with her qualifications it shouldn't be hard.

Put the onus back on them .

I do pay for a lot of their stuff. I pay for nieces clothes and toys and also ballet and swimming lessons but private school is an 14 year commitment. What if our financial situation changes?

And that's exactly what you should say to them. (Frankly, they're extremely lucky that you pay for all this stuff for their children, and they should be grateful).

But no-one can predict the future, and a 14 year very expensive commitment would be ridiculous to take on for someone else's children..

No way should you be finding this. Where will it stop.

There will be uniforms, school residential trips and music/dance lesson - especially if your children also do these. School trips get more expensive as you go through the school system. Year group trips turn into extra curriculum trips for specialist subjects, then there's skiing trips, music department trips, DoE trips - all of which they won't want their children to miss or be left out if your children or their children's friends go.

PLEASE DO NOT GET INTO THIS MADNESS.

No you shouldn't pay for the school fees. Sounds as if you do more than enough already. Tell SIL if she wants this she needs to go out to work to pay for it

Your husband would be correct. I also saw lots of grandparents funding. Private school so that the children’s actual lifestyle which is provided by the parents did not match those of the children around them. That was quite hard on the family too. Being dropped off in the worst car etc
So long with the school fees, will you be able to provide the holidays to Barbados, the skiing trips? The head to toe in designer clothes. The blasé attitude towards £80 trainers just being lost and shoulders shrugged and a new pair provided. It’s not just about the 20 grand a year fees m.

I think I would be laughing if I heard that to be honest. My siblings are on a much higher wage than me, but I would never expect them to pay for my kids. Just tell them no. I can't believe they even had the check to ask. If they want to send them to private schools she can get a job.

This. Draw a line, OP. You're already paying for loads.