Responsibility towards niece and nephew

[Emotionalstorm]

I don't know if I'm being unreasonable.

My sister in law is a qualified GP but has chosen not to work because she said that she found the job bad for her mental health. After 6 months of sick leave, she has been a stay at home mum for three years now.

Her husband has failed his medical exams so won't be able to make consultant. His income is around £65k as a trainee doctor and has stagnated. He's also not hungry and won't take locum work for extra pay.

My husband earns quite a lot (more than £1M each year) but it varies based on the profits of the business. He thinks there will be a slowdown in work in the next 12 months so his income may go down.

We are planning to send our daughter to private school in September. SIL caught wind of this and sent her husband over to ask us to help them out because the cost of living crisis is hitting them hard. They think that their kids should also be sent to private school if their cousin gets to go. They said it might cause resentment between cousins.

We can comfortably afford to send all three kids to private school this year but there's no guarantee we can fund this for all three kids up until they're 18 so we don't want to make this kind of financial commitment. I also find it a bit insulting that my SIL chose not to work as a GP or find an alternative career. Both my husband and I work (although I work only 3 days a week part time - I earn around £120k a year so much less than my husband). Why should we be subsidising their lifestyle so they get the same thing as us when they have a SAHM. My husband has also been on stress leave in the last 12 months and is very overworked. We have been discussing cutting his working days to 3 or 4 days a week but he would not feel comfortable doing this if he has to fund three kids through private school till they're 18.

When we go out together (with in laws) we always settle the whole bill and when we go on holiday we also pick up the bill.

My husband and I make financial decisions jointly so if one of us vetoes then we don't go ahead with the plan. I plan to veto and he is not keen to fund his nephew and niece's school fees either. We help them out here and there. We buy them everything on their wishlist (toys books etc) so it's not like we do not help out.

However, this may of course put my husband in a difficult position with his brother and we are worried they may restrict our access to their children. I am very close to my niece and she misses me terribly when I am too busy to visit her. She sends me voice messages asking me to come.

I feel a bit guilty because I do love her. Should I just suck it up and take on this financial responsibility.

Please note that although my husband earns more than me, I have more assets than him so we have equal say over what we do with our money.

His reasons for cutting down are none of their business though! Honestly, it sounds like you all know far too much about each other’s income, lifestyle etc and it seems there’s some odd entitlement/obligation thing going on between the siblings. You’re already paying for clothes and ballet lessons, now they’re asking about private school, what’s next? Would they like you to build them a swimming pool and take over their mortgage payments?

I think you both need to pull back a bit and I’d make it clear that while you’re happy to pay for some treats you’re not going to make long term financial commitments to their dc.

They're asking for something like the equivalent of £40K pa. for the next 20 ys or so

sorry, 15 yrs not 20. the DNs presumably will board and then go to uni.

Do not pay and do not feel guilty. Total lunacy. It is not your husband’s responsibility.

This. You are not ABLE to garuntee that you could fund them until age 18.
Therefore, you can't. Nor should they ask imo.
My Autistic children & I live on state benefits (as I am their Carer & my husband walked off as it was 'too hard'). My BIL&SIL have their own Co & earn the thick end of £1M per annum, (I understand). They give the kids £30 for Bday & Xmas.
Now I appreciate that my circs are not yours but it's just to give an example of the other end of the 'entitlement spectrum'. I don't expect anything from my 'rich' inlaws, so why should your BIL/SIL expect from you as the 'richer' relatives?

This. OP, you need to prioritise securing your own future. It's great that you have such a large income but if anything happens to your husband then you will be left on 10% of your current income. Surely you can see that this is a bigger potential issue than paying for your SIL's children to be privately educated

Could you pay for mine too because it's really unfair .......

What a cheeky mare tell them the decided their priorities and their children get more than yours in other ways like time with parents if it's not enough they need to change their lives.

Jog On is an appropriate response...
Slightly less uncouth than Fuck Off You Cheeky Fuckers... Yabu to even consider it.
School first.
Then it will be cars and ponies... Then a flat or house..

Is this possibly cultural where families are more enmeshed when it comes to finances?

I would not be subsidising their lifestyle at all while your SIL chooses not to work.

She may not be suited to work as a clinical doctor, and may never really been suited to, plenty of 18 year olds do medical degrees because adults around them expect them .
I'm a middle aged doctor, and looking back at my classmates a number have moved sideways into medical related fields over the years.

She should be able to find some work, eg in pharmaceutical industry, health management, research assistant, teaching, or even retrain in some other field.

I would not accept financially supporting them if she is "too posh" to work. I have much more sympathy for the brother, I have worked over the years with people who just don't seem to be ble to pass what can be very unpleasant exams despite being competent in day to day practice as career medical officers. He will earn what would be to most people a perfectly reasonable salary, but maybe not enough for SIL from the sounds of it.

Personally I think it would be an irresponsible commitment to make, especially given that your husband's income doesn't sound future proof in it's current form.

When a parent makes a choice about private schooling they're generally committing to sacrificing whatever necessary to see that commitment through to the age of 18 so if salaries drop because of ill health/divorce/death the children aren't massively disadvantaged by having their learning environment massively change.

As much as I love my nephews, there's no way I'd make the same sort of sacrifices for them as I would my children.

If you can comfortably commit to sending your own child to private school along with all of the necessary extra things that will be expected to be paid for then carry on.

What your in-laws do is down to them. If SIL feels so strongly about it maybe she can tap up her wealthy family for a freebie in 10s of thousands of pounds.

So this is a very interesting thread - my husband and I are in a similar position to your SIL and BIL except that we both work FT (I’m a senior registrar and my husband has just become a Consutlant). My brother who I have always been very close to earns around 1m a year and his wife is on a similar salary to you. We have two children. Never in a million years would I ever expect him to fund my children’s education or buy them extravagant presents ( they are very generous with gifts even when I insist on things like books). However, he has set up a trust fund for my DC (at the time I had just one) which he will contribute to annually and will be his when he turns 18 - it was his choice. Your SIL and BIL have no right to demand that your husband pays for anything. It’s not their money. If he wants to pay for it then that is his choice. If they want their kids to have a better life then they need to figure that out. Being a SAHP is a privilege most cannot afford.

On a practical level- say he did fund them. Who would also fund the 'extra's?

Trips, after school clubs, equipment, uniforms? It's likely it would be school fee's PLUS all the extra costs

No way

Your DH health should be your priority. He's in a highly stressful job and being able to cut back to do 5 hours a day would help him a lot. Between you the standard of life of your children would still be good. If it was my dh I'd say something to stop them poling pressure on my dh. His brother and SiL need to work and sort out their own life. I'd carry on picking up the bill for meals as I do that for my sister's when we meet up because I can easily afford it and it might stretch them, but they never take my generosity for granted and always offer to pay for their own meals/drinks. I think paying for their holidays is making them feel entitled so I'd stop doing that but keep paying for nieces/ nephews activities. I'd tell SiL you are sending your children to an independent school but they will have to decide if they can afford it for their DC or not but you won't be picking up the fees bill as it's too big a commitment. It's not just the school fees, it's stationery, text books, trips, music lessons, instruments, lunches, uniforms, and extras for stuff like craft materials and Wednesday afternoon activities like horse riding that all add up and no doubt his brother would just expect your DH and you to pay for it all. It would be a NO from me.

SIL and BIL can not expect this level of financial help and commitment from your husband whilst they quit work for MH problems and the other has no ambition to better their circumstances, that is entitled behaviour.

No one should be shouldering that level of responsibility for multiple family members when they are suffering from stress of their own.

Someone should have a word with the Cheeky fuckers about their own work ethic before holding their hands out.

The reason they have no money is because they live beyond their means. What happens if they have another baby? Jenny Eclair said, “school fees are the best form of contraception.” Conversely if they think your DH is on the hook for their fees, what stops another sprog?

I’m sorry but it’s utterly ludicrous to ask anyone to pay for 14 years of school fees for your children, literally who does that?! It’s hardly ‘can I borrow a tenner until payday’ is it?!

‘No SiL and DH, we’re absolutely baffled that you would think this is a reasonable request. Disparity between cousins’ lifestyles depending on the parents situations and choices isn’t only fine, it’s totally normal. It’s siblings where there might be issues if they go to different schools - because they have the same parents!! DH has been working his backside off and it’s having a considerable impact on his health, such that we’re looking at him cutting back. I’m sure you’ll understand how that feels SiL, given that you don’t work at all for similar reasons. I’m sorry you’re disappointed not to be able to out your children through private school but asking us for a financial commitment which will equate to hundreds of thousands of pounds, is not the solution and we’re shocked and quite offended actually that you thought it would be. We’re not a bank that you can help yourself to at the expense of DH’s health while you enjoy life as a SAHM.’

I think the appropriate response is “get fucked, you cheeky bastards”.

Or use this far more eloquent response 😂

So basically you will be paying your SIL and BIL 41k per year for the next 14 years? (Based on the current average fees for private schools) What will they be doing to earn that salary...?

Jesus H Christ, is this for real? I mean, what the hell have I just read?? These leeches - aka your bil and his wife - already get you to pay for your nieces clothes, toys, activities, and now they want you to cough up for private schooling as well? And your DH's family agrees? I've honestly never heard anything so unreasonable.

It would be a hard no from me, and I'd stop being so bloody generous to these cheeky fuckers. I'd cut out all the favours you already do. Let the parents retake their exams, or find a new career, and suck up the consequences of their own lifestyle decisions.

And no way would I let my DH blame me in your position. Why should you be the fall guy because your DH is so spineless? It all just beggars belief.

Why would they judge your dh for cutting down hours instead of paying their kid's school fees when their own mum could work to fund it if she wanted too.

Do not pay, do not feel guilty and if the cut contact with neice and nephew that is truly awful but you can't love with threat of cutting contact hanging over you.

I expect after the initial disappointment it will blow over.

Dh has to prioritise his own mental health, even if that wasnt an issue perfectly fine to say no.

Tell them you've realised it's unfair that DD's cousins have a parent at home all the time and she doesn't, and that's why DH is considering going part-time.

Why would you contemplate paying for someone else's children to go to private school? If your comfortable lives came crashing down, for whatever reason, they would probably be resentful about their children being removed from their school.
I cannot actually believe they expected you to give their request a second thought.

The same way you and your husband have worked hard to give your children a certain life that can too. Do not fund that. Especially since here you are working while she is not and he doesn't better himself. Say no.