Responsibility towards niece and nephew

[Emotionalstorm]

I don't know if I'm being unreasonable.

My sister in law is a qualified GP but has chosen not to work because she said that she found the job bad for her mental health. After 6 months of sick leave, she has been a stay at home mum for three years now.

Her husband has failed his medical exams so won't be able to make consultant. His income is around £65k as a trainee doctor and has stagnated. He's also not hungry and won't take locum work for extra pay.

My husband earns quite a lot (more than £1M each year) but it varies based on the profits of the business. He thinks there will be a slowdown in work in the next 12 months so his income may go down.

We are planning to send our daughter to private school in September. SIL caught wind of this and sent her husband over to ask us to help them out because the cost of living crisis is hitting them hard. They think that their kids should also be sent to private school if their cousin gets to go. They said it might cause resentment between cousins.

We can comfortably afford to send all three kids to private school this year but there's no guarantee we can fund this for all three kids up until they're 18 so we don't want to make this kind of financial commitment. I also find it a bit insulting that my SIL chose not to work as a GP or find an alternative career. Both my husband and I work (although I work only 3 days a week part time - I earn around £120k a year so much less than my husband). Why should we be subsidising their lifestyle so they get the same thing as us when they have a SAHM. My husband has also been on stress leave in the last 12 months and is very overworked. We have been discussing cutting his working days to 3 or 4 days a week but he would not feel comfortable doing this if he has to fund three kids through private school till they're 18.

When we go out together (with in laws) we always settle the whole bill and when we go on holiday we also pick up the bill.

My husband and I make financial decisions jointly so if one of us vetoes then we don't go ahead with the plan. I plan to veto and he is not keen to fund his nephew and niece's school fees either. We help them out here and there. We buy them everything on their wishlist (toys books etc) so it's not like we do not help out.

However, this may of course put my husband in a difficult position with his brother and we are worried they may restrict our access to their children. I am very close to my niece and she misses me terribly when I am too busy to visit her. She sends me voice messages asking me to come.

I feel a bit guilty because I do love her. Should I just suck it up and take on this financial responsibility.

Please note that although my husband earns more than me, I have more assets than him so we have equal say over what we do with our money.

You are helping them out more than most relatives would. By paying for treats out they might otherwise not be able to afford as much. It's unfair of them to expect you to fund they're children's education though. Don't be discussing anything with them about finances.

Why do you mention paying for the niece's things but not the nephews?

Anyways regardless - no you don't pay their school fees. End of discussion. I'm surprised you and your husband seem so meek and not assign given your careers.

Fwiw one of my siblings is a multimillionaire and I have never asked for a single penny. Wouldn't even occur to me!! I think one of their kids will go to private but the other is in a very good state grammar. Can't see it being an issue. My own kids go to state school - I wouldn't send them to a private school even if I was a billionaire bar some kind of SEN issue.

Your SIL needs to reduce her spending according to her/their income. If she wants a lavish lifestyle then they are both going to have to work to pay for it - not rely on handouts from your DH and you.
There are plenty of jobs a qualified doctor could do other than being a GP. And BIL could pick up a couple of locum shifts a month if he wanted to earn more. They just don't see the need as some mug is bankrolling them.
If they want their DC to go to private school, THEY need to pay for it.

If you fund school fees I'd bet the requests wouldn't end there. You started this arguably when you agreed to pay for swimming lessons etc.

Surely your SIL and your family would understand if your husband dropped days to protect his MH, after all it's exactly what your SIL did.

It will only breed resentment if your kids are privately educated and their's aren't if that's what your DN's are taught. And they'll probably be resentful about lots of other stuff if that's what they're like so ignore that emotional blackmail. My children's cousins are privately educated and my kids aren't and they couldn't give a shiny shit because none of us have made it a big deal.

Stop.

Stop paying for their lifestyle.

Stop paying for the clothes, the after school activities, everything. Don't pick up the tab when you go on holidays or to restaurants. If they can't afford to go on holiday with you, they can't afford to go. Same with restaurants. That's the end of the conversation about either.

You say you can easily afford it but if something were to happen to either you or your DH (medically meaning that you couldn't return to work) you too would be down money. Start a savings account, creating a nest egg for your children so that they can start their lives (post educationally) with a safety net that they can have a level of security.

Doing what you're doing now, is taking that money away from your own children. I'm all for sharing but that is taking the proverbial!

Say to them that you're now starting a savings account for your own children and that when you've received financial advice from a registered financial advisor, you'll pass their details on so that they can make an appointment to do the same.

When they are going on these holidays that you are subsidising, they must be saving a whole heap of money themselves. Where is that going?

Perfect 👍

Which is exactly what you say when you tell them you will not be funding their champagne lifestyle desires on their lemonade budget. Tell them to get to fuck.

An acquaintance sent 1 child (DS) to private school but not the 2 Siblings (DD). Very much resentment from them as adults.

OP why would you even entertain this idea? Some of our extended family have much more than we do but it would never cross.my mind that they should therefore spread their wealth to make our kids (all cousins) equal in fear of resentment. Think they are being right CF to be honest!

We have 4 children who went to state school ,and my children have 4 cousins who all go to private school and have expensive holidays and riding lessons ..
pit has never been an issue or caused a single problem between the cousins.
don’t be a door mat
your money is yours ,u owe them nothing

You have no responsibility for the education of your nieces and nephews unless their parents die and you decide to step in and contribute to their welfare.

Your sister in law trying to manipulate you in this manner by inferring there will be problems between cousins if they are schooled differently is despicable.

Sorry, if they want the luxuries that come with earning good money, she needs to get off her arse and work. Get treatment for her MH and get a flipping job (as PP said, doesn't have to be as a GP, but lounging about at home and sponging off relatives is not an option).

Bloody hell. Obviously it’s a no. Their not uneducated at all and can find work if they want to.

Your dh is suffering so he comes first. Law is stressful so you’ve worked hard too.

I’m not doing well but I will work my way out of it (dh died) rather than sponge off family.

Nope. It's a massive financial commitment. And private school fees are likely to go up a lot with inflation and if Labour puts 20% VAT on them. You can afford it now, but what if one of you gets ill and can't work? Or worse still, dies? It would be one thing to scrape together the money to try to keep your own DC at the school where she is settled and happy, to try to do it for three kids will be impossible. Also, it will trap your husband in a very stressful high earning job whether he wants to be or not.

If you feel guilty now, imagine how guilty you'll feel if you have to say to BIL and SIL - we're sorry, but our circumstances have changed and you are going to have to pull your DC out of the schools they are settled at because we can't afford it anymore".

My cousins all went to private school many yrs ago, my parents & other aunt would never have considered asking for us cousins to be sent too. They are being CFs. Incidentally out of all the cousins the ones with worst jobs in long run are 3 of the 4 who went to private school, they all lack motivation & relied heavily on their parents to subsidise their lifestyles, which all had to change dramatically when their DF lost his 1M/yr job a few yrs ago & they have struggled to catch up ever since.

Cousins having to have the same level of education isn’t a thing. You have zero responsibility to fund your niece and nephew’s schooling.

100% do not do this, you don't need any reason not to, but this is a very good one!

My niece and nephew go to private school. My children go to a good state school. It's not my sister's responsibility to fund private school for my kids. It's never even been an issue for any of the adults or kids.

I'm wealthier than my siblings. I could afford to send my niblings to private school. But no way would I do it. For one thing, it's a huge commitment. For another it takes money from our retirement pot and own DCs' inheritance.
But they wouldn't ask and even if they did, I wouldn't justify why I wouldn't. It's not up to me to fund my siblings' lifestyles. I do smaller ad hoc things for my siblings like always paying when we go out for supper or letting them stay in our holiday home whenever they like. But £20k a year per child for 14 years, excl inflation? Absolutely, categorically not. I'm resentful enough that I pay it for my own DC!1

(Ironically my parents are planning to fund my niblings through private school. Their choice; it wouldn't be mine)

I've been sahm off and on for a big chunk of time. Just resigned from my last job because it wasn't working for us.
I'm really good at being a sahm so I don't need to send my kids to private school. I find the theatre groups, the country choir auditions, host the school Lego club, get the kids and their friends on youth panels. And I support my husband so he doesn't have domestic stress and he can say yes to all the opportunities work comes up with.

We live within our means, I manage expectations to exceed them. And the kids have a really prudent attitude to money. I find when I work we throw money around a lot more freely and that doesn't set the best example.

My niece's & nephews are in private school & fancy grammars - we're not impressed with their academic or sporting levels, so it's not the automatic grade boost some might expect.

Your in-laws need to rethink their priorities, either value being hands on or else earn enough to put source at their desired level.

You mustn't chuck school fee money at them, it will distort the kids reality, it says ' want something nice, just guilt a wealthier acquaintance' not work hard, roll with the punches....

I think you are already being more than generous towards your niece and nephew. No way should you take on their school fees too.
SiL and BiL have made lifestyle choices that affect their incomes. That is not your problem. I would slowly withdraw from so much funding…it seems the more you give the more they want.

You have no responsibility to send their children to private school. They have a lot of nerve to ask. Truthfully, it sounds like it would be their loss if they choose to escalate this into a family feud. They are out of line, you have zero obligation, and they are capable of earning enough on their own but choose not to. Keep us posted please....

I'd also add that I think your DH needs you to be the bad guy here and give hint he excuse to stand up to his family. Not ideal for you but sometimes that is what partners need of each other.

So you have a enormous household income by dithering, having no ability to say no and letting people walk all over you and take advantage of you?
Just in my opinion and experience but I don't think so.

Sorry it’s not difficult and as a lawyer I’m surprised you’re struggling with this one. They made life decisions that don’t support a private education. You are not responsible for that or for provision of this. Your situation could change and you have your own family to support and consider, it’s not like you’ve won the lottery even then you don’t owe family a share.

So they're asking you to give them the equivalent of around £800k (assuming a £40,000 starting cost, a price increase of 5% per year and the fees never increasing beyond that, even when moving to Secondary, no examination fees, no food, no uniform, no kit, no equipment, no tuition, no afterschool care, no music lessons, no trips, no contributions to fundraising, no sports activities, no extra clubs, societies or experiences)? And before any other changes in taxation or other costs are taken into account that will further reduce the purchasing power?

There's far more useful things that money could be put towards - and it certainly isn't somebody else's children.