Is my manager being cruel?

[Thistulipisblooming]

I am 34, and work in a public sector. I’ve been in my job over 2 years and I’ve never taken a day off sick (not that it matters if I had)

My grandma has cancer and is now at end of life and coming towards her last days. I don’t have any annual leave to spend with her so I put in a request for special leave (which we get 2/3 weeks full paid). My grandma is also technically my mum, which makes this more complicated. My mum walked out when I was 3 and my grandma took over- I see her as my mum, she is my mum. She raised me.

So I spoke to my manager about this special leave and she said “oh it’s reserved for close living relatives, such as partner, children and mum and dad” so I explained that yes, my grandmother technically is my mum.

and she has refused the leave on the grounds that, as my grandma isn’t biologically my mum that it would be frowned upon as others have had to take it unpaid or on sick for their grandparents.

So now I will have to take it as sick, but unfortunately this is only statutory which won’t go far and she said should I put on your sick leave register now that you’re depressed? As she didn’t know what to put it under as I am not technically sick.

I want to take it to HR possibly but not sure if my emotions are getting the better of me so WIBU to request this leave?

That’s outrageous, I would go to HR.

I'm sorry about your Grandma.

Where I last worked you would have been given time off for this. Not because she was your Grandma but because she had raised you.

Was your GM your legal guardian? I think you should go above your manager.

Most managers have discretion for compassionate leave
sounds like yours is being rather harsh and computer says no
i would go to HR and would also be re-considering working there

Sorry your in this situation, whatever you do please DON'T let this stop you taking leave to be with your Grandma. You will regret it for the rest of your life if you don't.

Sorry to hear about your Grandma. Please go to HR with this, YANBU

The language you are using is confusing - she's not "technically" your mum. Your biological mother is "technically" your mum.

Tell your manager that you're so upset because your grandmother raised you and is, in effect, your adoptive/foster parent and you need to be with her.

If she still won't listen, go over her head to HR/your boss and explain the situation.

And using sick leave is wrong! That’s another matter for HR

I always gave people compassionate leave when they asked for it, it was “manager’s discretion”, and being kind to your staff usually means they work harder and happier.

Yes - in this situation I think your manager is being cruel.

At my work things like this are 'at the managers discretion' but would always be granted.

She is being a jobsworth by sticking to 'the policy' rather than taking into account the whole situation. I would raise with HR, unfortunately the worst they can say is no, however at least you've then tried.

Sorry this is happening to you, OP

Hr, your manager is being a twat.

Absolutely this. Absolutely take the time. Obviously you are upset and stressed so take sick leave if needs be. Could your gp sign you off.

I would check the policy and then contact hr. Make sure you make it clear in writing so she can’t say oh I didn’t know I thought it was just a regular granny.
Your granny is your mum for all intents and purposes.
You aren’t sick or depressed you want special leave.

So what happens if people are adopted and they need time off like this for the only mum or dad they've ever known and loved, but who happens not to be biologically their parent?

What about people with two mums or dads - one of whom obviously isn't biologically related to them? They could be on extremely shaky legal ground there.

Definitely raise this with HR - and don't go in apologetically, but be firm in your rock-solid position. Raise the above scenarios, if that might help to get it into their (potentially) thick, discriminatory heads.

I’m a manager, would definitely insist on compassionate leave for this.

All best wishes to you and your Gran.

If its just for biological members of the family, what does she think of faster carers, adoptive parents etc

Just wrong

Oh and step parents

She's not necessarily being cruel by sticking to the rules but she's not being especially caring or helpful either. Yes talk to HR and see what you can arrange.

I'm a manager and I'd absolutely without doubt approve this even if it meant putting extra work into getting it agreed and signed off. However technically she is correct, I think you should escalate to HR and push the point that she raised you- did she have legal responsibility as your guardian?

Go and see your doctor and signed off with stress that can't be refused

This . You should have just done this, and not mentioned your grandmother. Sometimes in life you have to put yourself first . Please do this O/P . You can always get another job , but this is precious time you will never get back .

Take it straight to HR. Policies are there to be interpreted by the Manager in EXACTLY these situations.

Had I not been aware of your relationship, once you explained, this would be a no brainer. I actually prefer a wider scope to these policies that allows us to make our own decisions a little more, bt she absolutely could have allowed this.

Op is worse off if she gets signed off with stress though. She says special leave is paid and sick Ieave is only ssp. She might not be able to afford to be off sick or be off long.
I’d definitely argue that she is her mum in practice and should be treated as her mum.

Nhs organisations have big blanket police's and there's little room for manoeuvre within them. Why is it only stat sick pay if you've been there 2 years?

I'd advise a staff member to take sick leave. If it means a sickness trigger then don't worry.. it can be worked round if your manager has either half a brain or a bit of heart. HR wouldn't support any sort of disciplinary in those circumstance

Your manager is severely lacking in emotional intelligence

Go above her