Is my manager being cruel?

[Thistulipisblooming]

I am 34, and work in a public sector. I’ve been in my job over 2 years and I’ve never taken a day off sick (not that it matters if I had)

My grandma has cancer and is now at end of life and coming towards her last days. I don’t have any annual leave to spend with her so I put in a request for special leave (which we get 2/3 weeks full paid). My grandma is also technically my mum, which makes this more complicated. My mum walked out when I was 3 and my grandma took over- I see her as my mum, she is my mum. She raised me.

So I spoke to my manager about this special leave and she said “oh it’s reserved for close living relatives, such as partner, children and mum and dad” so I explained that yes, my grandmother technically is my mum.

and she has refused the leave on the grounds that, as my grandma isn’t biologically my mum that it would be frowned upon as others have had to take it unpaid or on sick for their grandparents.

So now I will have to take it as sick, but unfortunately this is only statutory which won’t go far and she said should I put on your sick leave register now that you’re depressed? As she didn’t know what to put it under as I am not technically sick.

I want to take it to HR possibly but not sure if my emotions are getting the better of me so WIBU to request this leave?

Most public sector employees are union members. Can they help?

There should be some element of managers discretion around this.

If not, I would get signed off with stress. Do you really not get paid sick leave???

Please don't encourage people to get signed off sick. That is never the answer and horrendously unfair to colleagues and the business left holding their workload.

stress is sickness and its not like OP will be a fully functioning part of any team whilst at work and things like this are happening at home.

There must have been some legal arrangement otherwise your grandmother couldn’t have signed you up for schools or taking you to the doctors etc. Take it to HR and say the person who raised you and is your legal guardian. I think it’s the grandmother aspect that’s muddying the waters.

Will your manager allow you to take time off as unpaid leave?

I would tell your manager you understand that the policy is constraining her actions and that you are going to go to HR to get the exemption so everything is done by the book. Your grandmother is FUNCTIONALLY or EFFECTIVELY your mother as she raised you from a young age and you should be able to take advantage of the same leave.

I had a manager like this. She wasn’t cruel, but lacked thought ( disciplined someone for being off sick after her mum died). She massively improved when she gained more confidence. Ask to see the policy, speak to HR and say that your grandma raised you.

She's your primary caregiver. That's the terminology you need to use. Go to HR explain that you think your manager may have misunderstood but the person who is very unwell whilst being your grandmother was your primary caregiver for your entire childhood as you have no relationship with your biological mother. You are asking for the policy to be applied in the same way as any looked after child.

BTW, to those saying the manager is being cruel, do you not think that there will be a paper trail to explain why this leave is being awarded, with details of the person and relationship to the employee. So, how can any necessary paperwork be completed with accurate details of the relationship and why it's being awarded if it doesn't fit the policy? Would you expect the manager to lie?
If HR or another person can override the policy then fine, but the manager can't lie.

Nowvoyager99 "Most public sector employees are union members. Can they help?"

In the OP's second post she said she works in private education, which is not public sector, despite her first post.

I have only read OP's posts, so sorry if this has all been said and done.

OP - look up Carer's leave/time off for dependents. My DMum used this when DGM was very ill

Time off for dependents

Please also check your contract and any Employment Handbook you have, so you can go to HR with a clear vision of what your employer rules are.

I think the manager's ruling of "close family members" is off though.

As someone mentioned above, is there a union active in this workplace? In my experience teaching union reps (as it's the education sector) are very good and clued up on employment law and organisation policy. It doesn't have to be confrontational. If it was me, I'd ask HR in the first instance how exactly the organisation's policy would apply to someone in my situation, to check if my manager was indeed being an arse, and then push onwards from there.

A lot of private schools are struggling a bit, as parents are taking their kids away and placing them in the state sector as a result of the cost of living and increases in fees. So they may well be desperate not to spend any money if they can help it. Once again, with union representation these things are much more easily negotiated.

Your manager is an absolute disgrace. Nothing more to say other than that.

I’m sorry about your Grandmama.

This is horrible, I'm sorry your boss is making a tough time worse unnecessarily. They don't sound very bright. Go straight over their head and get the compassionate leave you need x

Mine run July to June so it is not that unusual. We had it from start , not start of accounting year.

I'm so sorry your grandma (your mum) is very ill. It must be such a hard time for you. 1900% go to HR. Your managers behaviour is disgusting.

The OP doesn't work in the public sector.

So sorry OP. I saw something similar many years ago, a colleague in 40s who was single and an only child and orphaned who requested 1 day off for her elderly uncle's funeral. She was his next of kin and organised the funeral, chose the casket etc. They refused as he wasn't in their category of immediate family. She literally begged saying he was all she had but they held firm. She had enough to take a half day and went to the funeral, dashed straight in from the graveside, sobbed at her desk then left to join the other mourners 4 hours late. It was a small regional office but she made sure everyone heard her story and I did too. I also told anyone who considered doing business with these people.

I really really hope someone helps you out here OP.

You work in the public sector

but you also work in private education

😐

But she shouldn’t have to! This is why companies have compassionate /special leave available

if she takes sick leave she will be financially worse off, and will have taken sick leave so it will be on her record if she has future episodes of sick leave

This is cruel. Would she say the same of an adoptive parent?

An adoptive parent is viewed, legally, as exactly the same as a biological parent.

Just to clarify, because we now have a load of false information being peddled:

• the OP does not work in the public sector
• the manager has said that the OP can have all the leave she wants - unpaid or SSP. She has not been denied leave, she has been denied PAID leave.
• She has been denied paid leave because she does not meet the employers eligibility criteria. An appeal higher may result in discretion being used somewhere up the ladder, but managers who follow the rules are not being cruel, they are doing their job. If managers randomly apply the rules whenever and wherever they like then they are (a) not rules, and (b) lead to unfair and discriminatory treatment.

Someone can be sympathetic and still not able to act in accordance with what you want.

This thread is bullshit.

Well said, people struggle to get their heads around the concept that fair treatment doesn’t necessarily give them what they want but is fair for the workforce as a whole. I don’t know any company that gives 3 weeks paid leave on compassionate grounds it just doesn’t happen