Is my manager being cruel?

[Thistulipisblooming]

I am 34, and work in a public sector. I’ve been in my job over 2 years and I’ve never taken a day off sick (not that it matters if I had)

My grandma has cancer and is now at end of life and coming towards her last days. I don’t have any annual leave to spend with her so I put in a request for special leave (which we get 2/3 weeks full paid). My grandma is also technically my mum, which makes this more complicated. My mum walked out when I was 3 and my grandma took over- I see her as my mum, she is my mum. She raised me.

So I spoke to my manager about this special leave and she said “oh it’s reserved for close living relatives, such as partner, children and mum and dad” so I explained that yes, my grandmother technically is my mum.

and she has refused the leave on the grounds that, as my grandma isn’t biologically my mum that it would be frowned upon as others have had to take it unpaid or on sick for their grandparents.

So now I will have to take it as sick, but unfortunately this is only statutory which won’t go far and she said should I put on your sick leave register now that you’re depressed? As she didn’t know what to put it under as I am not technically sick.

I want to take it to HR possibly but not sure if my emotions are getting the better of me so WIBU to request this leave?

I’m sorry about your grandma. This is heartless of your boss and in these circumstances I would t think twice about getting signed off. You can try going to HR first but if you get no luck don’t think twice.

Agreed to the late 2 posters.

Outrageous. Speak to HR

I'd seriously reconsider my role and worth in a company if they treated me that way

I’m not saying she should get 3 wks leave but some element of consideration that this is a parental figure. I’m self employed so could take leave but wouldn’t be paid for it and therefore not viable!

Your gran was your informal kinship carer and she should be seen as such. Which country do you live in?

I’d tell HR your grandmother has been your legal guardian since you were 3 years old. She is your mum. You don’t get a certificate crossing out your mums name to show HR. And you certainly don’t get one as an adult to show your manager. An explanation is usually enough.

Please don't encourage people to get signed off sick. That is never the answer and horrendously unfair to colleagues and the business left holding their workload.

What difference does it make if the staff member is absent on special leave or sick? They’re still not there. The policy isn’t fair (or at least the way it’s being implemented) to the OP who was raised by her grandparent. I’m the kind of person who drags myself in when I feel terrible, but the older I get the more I am realising we as a workforce shouldn’t give too much of ourselves to a company who would never do the same for us.

I don't know how "just taking in" children works in the UK, but in the US, without legal guardianship your grandmother would not be able to register you for school or take you for medical treatment (among other things). Are you sure your grandmother didn't have legal guardianship of you? (You were only three; it's not something you would have been aware of at the time.) Because based on some of the other responses, if she did, she qualifies as a close relative in this case. Or...Did she receive any form of benefit because she was taking care of you, and would that prove that she was recognized as your legal guardian?

Absolutely take this to HR

Sorry about your grandmother.

I agree with the pp who pointed out that your use of the word 'technically' might have confused your manager. If you were talking about someone who was technically your mother, the implication would be that she wasn't a real mother figure to you but just happened to have birthed you. In that case your manager would be less likely to be sympathetic to your request. If you appeal to HR, I would get rid of the word and make it clearer that your grandmother raised you in the place of any parental contact. Use the words kinship carer or foster mother, not technically.

Sorry for your troubles @Thistulipisblooming
But your manager is not being cruel. HR rules tend to be inflexible because any variation can undermine them ie set a precedent that other staff can use to flex even more. Your manager has outlined a way you can do the important thing - which is visit your DGM - that is within the rules and will not create an awkward exception that may cause issues for the employer in the future. It’s not a lack of empathy - it’s just the reality of management.

I hope you find peace in your time with your GM.

Your manager might be technically correct, like others have said.
But where is the humanity? There have to be exceptions. The inability to view individual circumstances is not healthy. Or normal. But BE AWARE that HR are there to protect your employer, not your.
You MUST go to your employee union.

I'm not unsympathetic but if you start having exceptions then there is no policy. I agree that the OP needs to contact HR but more in the hope that another solution can't be found.

Party agree.

But it would be a pretty crap, ineffectual manager that didn't raise it up the organisation, to HR and exhaust all possibilities to fight for the team member to get the paid leave, then when all avenues were exhausted try some more and let the team member know what they were trying to do for them.

Of course there is, you use common sense. In this case the OP's GM is in the position of her mother.

No policy is going to cover every situation.

Is it possible that you put your line manager on the spot and they replied too quickly without appreciating the nuances? Or that your explanation wasn’t clear enough? If either is possible I would re approach the manager and say something like ‘I’m not sure I explained clearly but I was brought up by my grandmother from a toddler. I have no mother. She was my only carer. I feel unable to work whilst she is ill’. This might give the manager a second chance to rethink what may have been a snap response. If not, definitely speak to HR.

This is cruel. When my brother died my boss said to me to take 2 weeks off and asked me if I needed more time.

My brother and I weren't even that close as he loved abroad, but I was all over the place trying to support my mum, her flight, her visa etc.

I work in private education and our leave is September to August

This makes no sense @Thistulipisblooming

I worked in independent schools.

An indie school is not 'a public sector' organisation.

Leave is Sept to August? What do you mean?

Indie school terms in the UK are early Sept to the first week of July (they usually finish term around the 5th July.)

Are you a teacher?

I'm sorry about your Gran but the person to approach is the Head teacher. Has she said you can't have time off?

Something that might be useful is to look at both the employee policy AND the school admissions policy - the reason for the latter is that it will often define 'parent' - and if that includes grandparent or other relative/kinship/fostering/adoption/SGO (as it should), then it's a further reason for HR to confirm that a grandparent in a parenting role is absolutely included as a close relative.

Please don't listen to this public sector manager alone saying they can't offer discretion. Sometimes if people bother to discuss things with HR, they'd know there may be leeway to permit you this leave. As a public sector manager I know that discretion is there in this case. Please go to HR and state she has been your legal guardian since you were 3.

Obviously sticking to policy is important for fairness but if you're a valued member of staff going through this, it's enough to tip you over the edge mentally and/or leave. She has been your mother all of these years. HR should take that into consideration. You can always discuss it with ACAS too. If not, your work may offer you the same amount of time unpaid.

Failing that, you may be impacted by this whole thing with work as well as your grandma so hugely that now or at a time of bereavement you need to get signed off if need be. Look after your mental health and get that time you will not get back. In my opinion, you only have one of her, one of yourself but you will find another job if need be.

It makes perfect sense. The financial and leave years are aligned with the academic year. It's the same with Academies.

@Thistulipisblooming What is your role at work?

You are working in an independent school. So you could be a TA, a teacher, catering asst, admin, or other roles.

As it's days to the end of term, can you not be allowed some compassionate leave of a few days?

I know that many schools have an HR dept but TBH I'd go to the Head with your case.

I don't know what posts @Quveas has read because they make several points that aren't in your posts. Paid leave or unpaid leave? Where is that mentioned?
All OP has said is it's 'statutory leave' and her manager has to account for it by 'pretending' she is depressed.

Did you explain you wouldn't be asking for any time off for your mum as she left you aged 3? Your manager is being horrible under these circumstances she's actually your mum, just not biological, would she refuse someone who was brought up by foster parent or adopted parent? ... unlikely!
Go to HR or your managers manager if you need to

So sorry about your grandma

I'd tell them that she is you legal guardian. Did she get family allowance etc for you all, did school send her school report etc??

Outrageous. Go over his/her head.