Wanting love and a relationship, when you don’t want sex. is it possible?

[IsThereAnEchoInHere]

I think it’s a no. At least going from my experience.
I’m a romantic fool and always wanted a life partner, I’ve been single all my life, but never learn to be very good at it.
Although I’m not sure loneliness is something you can ever get used to.
Well anyway, learned young and pretty fast tgat everyone just wanted sex.
Lost my hope in live even being real for awhile, and also thought that let them get the sex out of their system - I can wait and then focus on things that actually matter.
Well, older I and we all got, but they still demand sex.
I’m probably on my last moments of trying to find someone and it’s just not looking good.
Is it possible to find a partner if you can’t have sex?
It just seems so unfair.

Only if that other person also doesn't want sex OP.

A friend of mine is in a relationship without sex with each other.
They initially broke up because of sexual incompatibility. After a couple of years he found what he had with him unbeatable- so they got back together to an open relationship to share life with emotional commitment.
One side has a high sex drive and the other has almost none - so he can have sex with others as long as they keep it purely physical.

That’s interesting.
I wonder how difficult it would be to find someone willing to do that from the get-go.
I think I’d be fine with open relationship, as long as it was only about sex, and they would be able to love romantically - without sex.

OP when you say love romantically what do you mean? Do you want physical contact but just don't want sex?

Hmm it wouldn’t work for me but one of my friends has been with her fiancé for 10 years no sex yet - waiting for their wedding next year. So it works for some yes

I think a loving marriage can settle down into a loving but sexless relationship; asking someone to forego sex from the start not so much. Unless you find someone who genuinely isn't bothered about sex, which isn't most people.

Sex is pretty important in most relationships. There are asexual dating sites, you might have more luck there

I’m sorry but I think these set ups are completely unrealistic. Of course the partner having sex outside the marriage is going to want to have sex with someone he likes. Of course the partner will develop feelings for the person he is having sex with.

And what a disgusting way for both parties to want to treat the woman the man is having sex with: as some characterless wank body. And how could you even have close romantic feelings for a man who treats other women like that?!

If you want an open relationship you have to accept it will be open in terms of your partner developing feelings for the other person as well as open sexually.

There are people with low or no sex drives. You will need to be clear that this is what you are looking for on your own dating profile to find these people though.

But surely people still mostly want love and companionship?

In a new relationship, I'd say the vast majority wants great sex.

There are plenty of long term relationships and marriage which are sexless and happy. Because people are busy or looking after kids has done for romance or whatever. They have settled into being sexless because the other upsides are great and it’s too complicated to unwind.

If I’m honest though I think going into a romantic relationship with the explicit expectation that it would be sexless from the getgo would be pretty tricky.

For the vast majority of people it wouldn’t be worth the grief if sex wasn’t at least a possibility.

It might be something you would have to advertise for?

Sex can fade in a marriage but for most people there is the expectation of some sex. This wouldn't work for me at all. Maybe try some asexual dating sites.

For me they're intertwined really, yes I want love and companionship but sex is part of that for me personally. However it isn't for everyone, as long as people are upfront and honest about the fact sex isn't going to be part of the relationship then although you're less likely to find someone who feels the same it's not impossible.

thought that let them get the sex out of their system - I can wait and then focus on things that actually matter.

?

Why don’t you want to have sex, OP? The way you write about sex is interesting in its negativity — that people ‘demand’ sex, and that you seem to have thought it was something you should wait about for ‘to let them get it out of their system’, as though it’s some kind of initial wrinkle that will go away given time? I mean, for most of us, sexual desire doesn’t go away. Did you think people just grew out of it or something?

@Tendu this is a good question. OP your perspective seems to be that sex is an inherent negative which has to be got over with.

Most people don’t see it like this: for most people sex is life enhancing.

There are other people like you (asexual people), but I think you have to target them and be very explicit that sex is not part of the deal. I think it’s fairly unrealistic to expect most people of either sex to have celibacy as a baseline. It’s too important for most of us.

The things that actually matter?!? Sex matters, to me at least. It is a vital part of a healthily loving relationship in my eyes, obviously I know everyone is different but it's not the sort of thing most people WANT to get out of their system! There is someone for everyone out there OP, but being in a relationship with someone who has any sexual desire if you have absolutely none is not fair IMO. I don't want to have an open relationship and shag someone else, sex is an expression of the love I feel for my partner.

'Why don’t you want to have sex, OP? The way you write about sex is interesting in its negativity'

I was thinking the same. Do you feel attracted to other people OP, or do you not feel any sexual desire at all? Have you had difficult/ traumatic sexual experiences in the past?

Look into asexual dating sites op; it’s possible but you’re not looking in the right place so far

Maybe if you are honest from the start.
Would you mind explaining if a future partner has sex with other people?

I think you’d have to go to asexual dating sites like others have suggested. I’m single and I definitely wouldn’t be happy if I didn’t have any sex in a new relationship. I mean that’s what defines the relationship to me as a romantic one over a platonic relationship. Sure sex slows down and isn’t as frequent or stops altogether but unless you’re looking in the right places, most people on dating sites are wanting a sexual relationship not a platonic one.

As long as you are open about it then that is fine. And I think there are enough men and women out there who want this that you could find someone.

I am currently desperately trying to leave my partner…I am currently trapped as we can’t sell the house I pay 80% and can’t afford to leave and he won’t leave because I pay for everything at the moment… long story

All intimacy stopped over 5 years ago, no kisses no cuddles anything. I made excuses for him for a long time- he was stressed at work, he was paranoid because of Covid etc. turn out that actually he just doesn’t like sex and only did it in the early days because it was expected.

I had listened to him slagging off his “bitch of an ex” who cheated on him to other and mutual friends- but now I can completely see why she did it.

my point is there are people out there who want this- but you have to be open. I blamed myself for years and whilst some will say sex isn’t everything I am 36 want kids and don’t want another 50 years of celibacy. For me it is a dealbreaker and whilst we could’ve parted as friends if he’d been open at the start- I’ll now never be able to forgive how he made me feel or that fact that by refusing to move out he is stealing more of my precious time from me.

Surely this is called friendship.

Or marriage.

OP I'm sure you've posted this multiple times before. The best answer on those threads was "look into asexual dating sites and the asexual community" and that is still the best answer. What you want is unusual enough that you won't find it in the mainstream dating scene, but there's nothing wrong with you and you just need to look a bit harder to find your people.

And what a disgusting way for both parties to want to treat the woman the man is having sex with: as some characterless wank body. And how could you even have close romantic feelings for a man who treats other women like that?!

Surely the woman knows the man she's chosen to have sex with is in an open relationship and she went ahead. It's not like she doesn't have a choice and a voice too. Open relationship not 'open cheating and not disclosing this to the other party', although some would do that.

*is not