Wanting love and a relationship, when you don’t want sex. is it possible?

[IsThereAnEchoInHere]

I think it’s a no. At least going from my experience.
I’m a romantic fool and always wanted a life partner, I’ve been single all my life, but never learn to be very good at it.
Although I’m not sure loneliness is something you can ever get used to.
Well anyway, learned young and pretty fast tgat everyone just wanted sex.
Lost my hope in live even being real for awhile, and also thought that let them get the sex out of their system - I can wait and then focus on things that actually matter.
Well, older I and we all got, but they still demand sex.
I’m probably on my last moments of trying to find someone and it’s just not looking good.
Is it possible to find a partner if you can’t have sex?
It just seems so unfair.

Well yes, they do but it's not about chosing one over the other. As most people like sex theres no need to chose one over the other.

If you went for 2 jobs and one offered great job satisfaction and ok wages, and the other offered only great wages but less enjoyable/prospects yould probably go for the first satisfaction. If you were in debt, you might go for the 2nd job. Now let's imagine there are 2 very similar jobs on offer. Both look like they could be very interesting/satisfying but one offers good wages and the other wants you to work for free......forever....which job would people chose?

I'm assuming you identify as straight... but how do you know you're really straight if you haven't slept with someone of the same sex?

It's the same argument...

Maybe, just make sure the other person WANTS this. Not "is prepared to accept" said happily in the first naive flushes of love, but wants.

A lack of intimacy can get to the point where it makes you feel like absolute fucking shit every day, and gets worse as it goes on. If intimacy is your love language and not your partner's, and you are not a cheater, then you love someone who will cheerfully starve you of love, forever if they get the chance. Not good.

Yes. I suppose that’s true, @IBetGordonRamsayDoesntHaveTheseProblems. I suppose I’m just surprised that someone with absolutely no experience can be so sure that they won’t ever want to have sex (with anyone).

How can straight people be so sure they won’t ever want to have sex with the same sex? You don’t have to try it to know it’s not for you!

You are correct.
Physical contact, as long as it’s non-sexual is okey.
But yes, a loving, kind relationship with a lovely person is what I’m looking for.

You say you have tried looking at asexual dating sites and that people were talking about having sex.

You can go and see (totally understand if no interest) reddit - asexuality. Mostly they talk about having sex. I asked who has found live/relationship, many had, but it turned out that they have sex with their partners.

That is rather strange and confusing. However, being asexual means not wanting to have sex.

I
**

….
I was confused too, but that’s what they said.

I asked someone who said they were single and asexual would they want sex in a relationship, they said they couldn’t be without sex

I was told that I’m not asexual. That I’m just celibate.🤷🏽‍♀️

That’s from the group of asexuals, so I don’t think I am one.

Have you ever been with someone you actually found attractive?

I don’t see people attractive vs. non-attractive.

I’m not trying to be awkward, but as you haven’t had sex, how can you be sure that you don’t/won’t like it?

The same way I know I don’t want to be burned alive, the same way I know I don’t want pins to be pushed into my eyeballs.
Some things you just know without doing it.

I suppose I’m saying that it might be worth trying a physical relationship?

I won’t force myself into anything. Also, then I’d never know if they actually loved me, if I had to hurt myself so bad. At best, I could be like ”here’s my body, rape it”.
What’s the point?

Thank you.

I’m suprised this is so difficult to understand for some people.

Presumably they’re quite religious? Why on earth would you wait 10 years? I wouldn’t be surprised if one of them is gay and in denial. Usually the young religious couples who are saving themselves get married very young and very quickly!

It seems like quite a leap to equate sex with being burned alive or having pins pushed in your eyeballs if you’ve never done it and aren’t interested in it.

That’s equating it to things that cause your body pain and damage, whereas even if you know it’s not for you you must realise that sex between people who love each other is done because it is emotionally bonding and physically pleasurable - wholly positive and life affirming reasons.

There’s definitely a lot going there. I don’t think your search is impossible but it probably won’t be easy I’m afraid.

I wish you luck though, and hope you find a relationship with someone that makes you both happy and fulfilled.

I suppose you have also talked with your GP about your feelings and checked that there isn’t a hormone imbalance or side effect of any medication?

Not sure how old you are but I took the pill for bad acne from mid teens for about 10 years and it was only when I came off it that I realised how much it had been killing my libido and appetite.

Why don't you look at dating website specifically for asexual people

That's an incredibly odd comparison; I don't know ANYONE who would want to do those two incredibly extreme things, whereas the vast majority of people are keen to have good sex. Sounds as if your asexuality amounts to a sex phobia?

I guess you could have a relationship with a man or woman then or have I got that totally wrong @IsThereAnEchoInHere

Those shagging reddit posters are absolutely bonkers. If you don't meet the criteria for asexuality, OP, then I don't know who does.

I think you are probably best putting lots of energy into your friendships with people of both sexes. The more people you meet, the more likely it is you will meet other people who are not bothered about sex.

Yep.
Man or woman, doesn’t matter. I’m romantically attracted to both.

Reddit isn't exactly the best place on the internet and certainly doesn't represent everyone. Can I suggest you try AVEN? https://www.asexuality.org/ There are certainly people on there who don't want sex and the forums are quite good.

I'd also suggest looking into the split attraction model as it seems to me that you're asexual but heteroromantic? (I'm aromantic asexual.)

Okey, whatever.

I think I’ll stop trying to explain my side since none wants to actually listen.
Let’s just say that I know.
My mind knows, my body knows.

Abd yes, most people really want it, I’m odd, it’s been made clear.
No need to everyone to repeat it.

Some asked about doctor, I’m not on any hormones/medications. I didn’t and I’n not religious, no trauma, I don’t think sex is wrong or people who have it are wrong.
I’m in my late 30’s.

Personally me, I just don’t want it.
That’s just how it’s always been.
And was just wondering if there is any hope, since I can’t see it from where I’m standing.
I shoul have added in the op ’need a hand hold’ or something, because the you are unusual, everyone wants it isin’t what I was looking for / something I didn’t already know.

What about someone with children?

I understand you OP, there seems to be a problem with people constantly pathologising asexuality and wanting to 'fix' us. I'm incredibly sex positive...for other people.

I also have no trauma, not religious, I am on the pill but that's been for the last 6 years and I'm 45 and have felt like this for over 30 years.

Thank you @slashlover
I will absolute check that out! 👍🏻

I’m like both women an men romantically.

May I ask, how’s life as aromantic and asexual, among the rest of the people?

It's your approach. You can't start a post stating that the majority of people's preference is 'not the important stuff' or to be grown out of and expect them to be fully sympathetic. Nobody has said you're odd. They have pointed out that asexuality is a minority. I don't agree with the posts questioning how you know you don't want sex.

I agree that Reddit may not be the best place to look. Try more specific resources. If you live in a small place then yes, you will have access to more people and probably a more varied pool than you do now so it might be an idea to look at a bigger city to live in. You want the chance at love. If that's not happening in your town then is that really 'nothing there for you' in trying a bigger place? Plenty of people do it for work, to meet people, simply because the small town doesn't fulfil their interest indefinitely.

I've done a very quick google and there are a range of asexual sites and apps. What have you done to try and look constructively apart from reddit? You may just want a handhold but your thread took quite a negative approach and I wonder whether this extends to your approach to dating also.

I understand this may all be daunting but you're not the only asexual person out there, you just need to identify where to look and make the effort to have the best chance at love. It can take years for even straight people to find the right one being proactive on OLD etc (me).

It sounds like you might be biromantic/panromantic asexual.

I'm not incredibly open about my sexuality due to some of the responses I've received (Hormones checked, late bloomer, how do you know if you've never tried it? etc.) but I will say that people IRL are much better than people online and there are certain online places I stay away from for my mental health, including some threads on here. (I was told that I was a safeguarding issue for saying asexuality should be mentioned in schools). I also avoid twitter comments.

It's gotten easier over the years, especially as I didn't know asexuality was a 'thing' until my mid 20s. I dated someone once when I was 18 as a 'maybe if I try it' thing but it obviously didn't work (I'm a virgin). I also think I'm almost the "acceptable" type of asexuality to many people because they can't understand being romantically attracted but not sexually attracted, or enjoying sex but not being sexually attracted.