Wanting love and a relationship, when you don’t want sex. is it possible?

[IsThereAnEchoInHere]

I think it’s a no. At least going from my experience.
I’m a romantic fool and always wanted a life partner, I’ve been single all my life, but never learn to be very good at it.
Although I’m not sure loneliness is something you can ever get used to.
Well anyway, learned young and pretty fast tgat everyone just wanted sex.
Lost my hope in live even being real for awhile, and also thought that let them get the sex out of their system - I can wait and then focus on things that actually matter.
Well, older I and we all got, but they still demand sex.
I’m probably on my last moments of trying to find someone and it’s just not looking good.
Is it possible to find a partner if you can’t have sex?
It just seems so unfair.

And I’m okey with open relationship, as long as it’s only about sex.
I could be way off the mark but I think an open relationship in your situation could easily mean you getting hurt.

In a consensually non-monogamous relationship where there's physical intimacy within the relationship and outside the relationship both people are on the same page. Even in relationships that are consensually non-monogamous because over time one person has lost their sex drive and the other hasn't, there's still probably a level of physical intimacy.

In your situation you'd be relying on your partner and their other girlfriends/boyfriends to get to know each other enough to spark a connection and have sex, but not develop the friendship/friends with benefits further, which is an almost unrealistic ask. I suspect you'd be running the risk that the partner who was initially ok with a sexless and physical intimacy free relationship finds someone who they get on with, care for, have feelings for and sexual intimacy is included, which will likely break your heart.

@LolaSmiles

No, I woudn’t be fine with them having a another partner.
I meant more as just a hook-up, you know, the thing that many do on a daily basis.

But the point was that there are options and I’m more than willing to meet half way and okey with the potential partner to get the sex they want.

I don’t know why everything I say/suggest is just shot down here 🤣
I guess people who can’t do the sex don’t desereve love, or something!
It’s getting crazy here.

Pressed too soon.

Re: about my heart getting broken.
Honestly, have veen single and loveless all these decades - my heart has been broken and shattered.
I’m not afraid of that.
Worse has already happened, so I’m not scared to try.

What if they ate biscuits in bed?

No, I woudn’t be fine with them having a another partner.
I meant more as just a hook-up, you know, the thing that many do on a daily basis.

But the point was that there are options and I’m more than willing to meet half way and okey with the potential partner to get the sex they want.

I don’t know why everything I say/suggest is just shot down here 🤣
I guess people who can’t do the sex don’t desereve love, or something!
It’s getting crazy here.

I understood what you were saying. I just expressed reservations that you might get hurt in that sort of arrangement.

I wasn't saying they'd have another partner, but if they've got a friends with benefits arrangements for their hook ups, it's a fairly large gamble that the friends with benefits isn't going to turn into something more.

It isn't about being deserving or undeserving of love either, and don't think anyone has said that on this thread.

Okey, thanks for explaining it bit more.

Best would propably be randoms from hook-up sites.
Someone pointed out the aven site and I’ve been reading over there for these past days.
Some couple had that kind of arrangement.

It isn't about being deserving or undeserving of love either, and don't think anyone has said that on this thread.

I hope not, but quite of lot comments really came off that way.

I can’t tell if you’re being serious or just mocking me at this point.

Sorry, I was joking. I should have put a smiley face on it. 😃

Okey, thanks for explaining it bit more.

Best would propably be randoms from hook-up sites.
Someone pointed out the aven site and I’ve been reading over there for these past days.
Some couple had that kind of arrangement
It could work if the person seeking sex is happy with a fairly mechanical 'deed done' approach. I'd imagine for a lot of people they'd want to have decent sex, otherwise they might as well have a wank and not have sex.

If this sounds patronising it isn't intended to, but even if there's not an emotional connection often good sex is about connecting physically and each person finding out what the other likes, so it's probably unlikely that a potential partner would be interested in a couple of online messages, in-out, next hook up sort of sex life as it's unlikely to be particularly fulfilling in that area.

Okey, all good then.

And to your question, as long as they dust off the crumbs, it’s fine!

I find many of the comments on this thread extraordinary.

I enjoy sex and it is an essential part of a relationship for me. But, it’s not compulsory for everyone. I have always been aware that some people are asexual and that has always been the case, since the beginning of time. It’s not a psychological problem, not the result of trauma or a restricted upbringing. I am sure that in fact many of us may know someone among our friends and family who is asexual. In the past this might have been what we
used to call a maiden aunt or confirmed batchelor. Some may have become nuns or priests in the past. Even though they might have longed for a (sexless) partner.

What the OP is looking for is not common, but it is normal ie. a certain (small) proportion of the population are naturally inclined that way.

It’s unusual and difficult to be asexual but it’s not a weird disability. I don’t understand why anybody feels the need to interrogate anybody with this preference.

I wish the OP luck in finding the relationship she is looking for.

All good. I'm glad 😊

What do you class as loving and romantic OP?

To me it’s the feeling (I know it and have expirienced it) that I have. I just know how I want to get to know them, more deeper. To share and build a life together. Care and value about them and vice versa.
Again just me personally, don’t associate touching to love or caring.Totally fine that others see that as caring/loving, sex included, my brain just doesn’t.

What you call romantic I think most would call caring or loving but romance is something else I think. Romance tends to be associated with physical love. Caring can include valuing someone strongly, being concerned for their well being, enjoying their company etc but I wouldn't say what you feel and want is what most people would label romantic. A romantic dinner for example would include a lovely atmosphere and environment, maybe nice lighting and music, holding hands, gazing into each others eyes, kissing, holding each other and lots of nuzzling and breathing in each others scent. It would often end in physical intimacy but even if it didn't there would be a significant amount of contact. What does a romantic evening out look like for you?

In a happy, caring, physical relationship but if my DP started gazing into my eyes and "breathing in my scent" I'd run a mile that just sounds bloody creepy, sorry

You clearly don’t know much about how polyamory works. There are plenty of people who have these kinds of relationships. And the woman (or man) he’s having sex with doesn’t have to be in the dark about this, there are plenty of people who want uncomplicated by relationship sex.

It’s very possible @IsThereAnEchoInHere, but mumsnet isn’t the place you’re going to find people open to even think about this kind of relationship. People here are generally very traditional and don’t believe that polyamory or asexual relationships can work. They can and do. There are many more ace people out there than anyone who isn’t ok the community knows because the judgement about it is insane. So lots never publically say it.

Why do you want to have sex?
Do you think it’s ok to ask that of you, and imply it’s because there is something wrong with a person for wanting sex? No, didn’t think so.

Isn't that why teenagers experiment? To find out? Like trying new food.. you don't know for sure until you've tried it

Of course it exists without sex. There are many people who love each other passionately who don’t have sex for a huge variety of reasons.

Nonsense. People know what they need and want.

Asexuality is a spectrum. Some people have zero desire for sex, have never had and it and never want it.
Some do feel sexual urges at times, have had sex, but didn’t care for it so don’t do it anymore.
Some have very low sex drive but do occasionally want sex and can enjoy it in the right circumstance.

There is also a difference between aromantic and asexual…some people are both: they don’t feel romantic attraction and they have no desire to have sex.
some are asexual but not aromatic (I think this would describe you) - they want romantic love and partnership and all that, they just don’t want sex.
some are aromatic, but not asexual, they don’t form or feel any need for romantic attachments, but they do feel sexual urges.

all of these things fall under the asexual umbrella.

I hope that’s somewhat helpful @IsThereAnEchoInHere

What happened in your previous romantic relationships?

Because that’s how it feels for many asexual people. Imagine being raped, every day/week, by a person you love. That is how it can feel for asexual people who try to force themselves to be ‘normal’ because as is evident in this thread, that’s what is expected of us. To have sex. All the time. When we don’t want it. And it doesn’t mean ‘there is a lot going on’, it’s just what we are born like.

She didn’t say it was immature, just that she thought (as did I as a younger person) that everyone sort of saw sex as a thing you did because it’s expected and then after a while it sort of stops. I didn’t know I was asexual for a long time. I didn’t know it was z thing that you could be until I was in my 20s. So I assumed that when people talked about loving sex etc they were lying. Because I was. I said it because I assumed that was what I was meant to say. And I assumed that, like me, people would just stop doing it in a relationship after a bit and get on with life as it’s meant to be. Because for us, that’s how it feels. Sex is, at best, time consuming and irritating. At worst, deeply traumatising.

It’s as baffling for us to think that people want to do it all the bloody time as it is for you to wonder why we don’t. But I don’t suggest my friends who want sex need sexual therapy or anything.

Well would you feel like you were being tortured if you were having to sleep with a person you don’t want to have sex with every day forever?