Wanting love and a relationship, when you don’t want sex. is it possible?

[IsThereAnEchoInHere]

I think it’s a no. At least going from my experience.
I’m a romantic fool and always wanted a life partner, I’ve been single all my life, but never learn to be very good at it.
Although I’m not sure loneliness is something you can ever get used to.
Well anyway, learned young and pretty fast tgat everyone just wanted sex.
Lost my hope in live even being real for awhile, and also thought that let them get the sex out of their system - I can wait and then focus on things that actually matter.
Well, older I and we all got, but they still demand sex.
I’m probably on my last moments of trying to find someone and it’s just not looking good.
Is it possible to find a partner if you can’t have sex?
It just seems so unfair.

Oh! I also wear the black ring on my right middle finger and have an asexual related tattoo.

I just want to say that I get where you are coming from OP, although I do have sex. I can see that for other people, sex is often an expression of love, but it is not really that for me. Sex is sex and love is love, for me. I like the physical feelings of sex but I don’t feel what I think sexual attraction should feel like. I could definitely do without sex, but not without love. For me sex is like a tasty food I enjoy or something like that, not an essential life experience like others have said.

For me I understand where this has come from in my past, I haven’t rtft beyond the first couple of pages so perhaps you’ve said if this is the case for you.

The Reddit posters sound barking mad frankly. It's equivalent to women saying they're lesbians but still seeking out sex with men.

The start of Wikipedia on the topic is
"Asexuality is the lack of sexual attraction to others, or low or absent interest in or desire for sexual activity."
.... which sounds exactly like you.

As someone said upthread, biromantic / panromantic asexual sounds like it fits what you've described here.

Hi OP, sorry that you feel no one has been listening, and that you've been criticised or shamed on here by posters commenting that what you want is unusual.

I guess that I was one of those posters, and I'm truly sorry if you're offended, that wasn't my intention.

I commented because I have a couple of friends who are virgins/celibate. One would theoretically like to have sex but hasn't found the right person; and the other, who sounds more similar to you, is desperate to experience romantic love and partnership but has a strong aversion to sex. In my friend's case this stems from her very sex-averse mother who taught her that sex was wrong/dirty/disgusting - my friend internalised this from a very young age and can't get past it.

I realise that you don't associate your own asexuality with any trauma or parental messaging, but I do notice a similarity between you and this friend in how you describe sex so negatively. I think that it might benefit you to explore having a couple of sessions of sexual counselling or therapy, just so that you can maximise your self-knowledge and self-awareness and work through any issues. In my opinion, knowledge is power, and this would give you the absolute best chance of finding the loving partnership that you want.

The other thing that I wanted to mention is that in your posts your communication could be improved. Some of what you write is slightly confusing (e.g. in your first post you use the phrase "can't have sex", which is quite different to my understanding of asexuality). You also come across as perhaps a bit inflexible and quick to take offence. Please believe that I'm not trying to be unkind, I just want to draw attention to how you are presenting yourself on this thread. If I were looking for a partner, I'd most likely avoid someone who seemed like they would be hard to get on with - asexuality completely aside. So many run-of-the-mill romantic relationships fail in the long term due to bad communication, misunderstandings and/or holding grudges. I guess I'm suggesting that you might do some work on your underlying communication style and your attitudes to others (possibly with a counsellor) if you truly want to give yourself the best chance of lifelong relationship happiness.

I also noted that for you "friendships aren't enough" and I'd really encourage you to re-examine that belief - I have several friends who I love very deeply, who I'd give my life for, whose company over a couple of decades has bought me just as much joy and laughter and love as my husband has. So please don't discount forming great friendships, they are as life-enriching and worthy of investing your time as any romantic partner.

In terms of concrete actions that could support you in finding your ideal romantic asexual relationship, you would do well to ignore the bizarre unhelpful Reddit forum and instead check out some of the more credible alternatives posted above.

I wish you all the best and hope that it works out for you.

I think it would be hard to be honest. Can you join some Asexual dating sites and get chatting to some like minded people? Even if you live in a village/small town you could start getting to know others in the same situation.

Im not bothered about sex anymore, due to peri menopause, so I can see myself being single even though im only mid forties. However I have had great sex and relationships so don't feel im missing out if that makes sense.

Good post, @WoolyMammoth55. I agree especially about friendships and your attitude to them, OP, and your touchy communication style on here.

And I think that some of the brusquer responses have been because of the extent to which you seem to pathologise sex as painful, damaging, torturous, and also unimportant and ‘immature’, something people should grow out of. Also obviously, you are entirely entitled to hold those views, but given the way you express them, it’s hardly surprising that people are suggesting they stem from trauma. Not because you don’t want to have sex, but the violent language with which you express that aversion.

The other thing that I wanted to mention is that in your posts your communication could be improved. Some of what you write is slightly confusing (e.g. in your first post you use the phrase "can't have sex", which is quite different to my understanding of asexuality). You also come across as perhaps a bit inflexible and quick to take offence. Please believe that I'm not trying to be unkind, I just want to draw attention to how you are presenting yourself on this thread. If I were looking for a partner, I'd most likely avoid someone who seemed like they would be hard to get on with - asexuality completely aside. So many run-of-the-mill romantic relationships fail in the long term due to bad communication, misunderstandings and/or holding grudges. I guess I'm suggesting that you might do some work on your underlying communication style and your attitudes to others (possibly with a counsellor) if you truly want to give yourself the best chance of lifelong relationship happiness.

What is your understanding of asexuality?

I'm asexual and I would say I can't have sex. I don't want to and I can't ever imagine wanting it, I've never been sexually attracted to anyone ever so the idea of having sex is completely foreign to me. I can also understand the OP just fine, it might just be because we have similar experiences.

If you spent your life with people telling you to have your hormones checked, get counselling, that you just haven't met the right person yet etc. then you'd be "touchy" too. If you're straight imagine people telling you all those things simply because you didn't want to have sex with women.

In society it seems (to me) that sexual attraction is the one of the few things where if you say you don't want it then it means there must be something wrong with you.

Friendships are amazing, but like I tried to write and explain: they go and live their shared life with their partners.
Just like you do with your husband.
I want that deep relationship too.
So, as a whole it’s not enough.
I think you can understand that.

I’m going to have to disagree with the communication, I just did my best to explain the situation, but sense it’s a sensitive topic to many, people took it and just twisted it.
I understand this is a subject, where people want to find a fault in the person like me, been through this before.
People want to bend and twist and bend and twist, tell me to fix myself, be somebody else, so I would fit in a rigid formula.
The ’can’t’ was mosty just language barrier, sorry you had to waste time trying to do some deep analysis!

I do not see my views on sex as negative at all, for anyone else: go for it, it’s just not for me.
So I’m not like your friend, at all.

I have no interest to see theraphy for this, because there is nothing to fix, it’s just who I am.

Funny, how twise you had to say I’ve taken offence! I haven’t at all ☺️

I wish you all the best and hope that it works out for you.
But at least thanks for this part.
I do too.

And I think that some of the brusquer responses have been because of the extent to which you seem to pathologise sex as painful, damaging, torturous, and also unimportant and ‘immature’, something people should grow out of. Also obviously, you are entirely entitled to hold those views, but given the way you express them, it’s hardly surprising that people are suggesting they stem from trauma. Not because you don’t want to have sex, but the violent language with which you express that aversion

Can you please explain which of the OPs posts indicate that she sees sex as "painful, damaging, torturous" as I really don't see it? Is it comparing it to being burned alive? Because it's terminology similar to what I have used, I have also said I know I don't want to become a teacher, my sister is a teacher and teachers deserve all the resect but it's not for me. I know I don't want to go on an adventure holiday - millions of people do, it's really popular but it's not for me.

How could it be safeguarding issue? That’s insane!

In society it seems (to me) that sexual attraction is the one of the few things where if you say you don't want it then it means there must be something wrong with you.
Very much agree, it’s ”funny” that these days literally anything goes, except not wanting/having sex, then you are ill - go fix it.
I’ve been told that I’m ”useless for a man if I’m not going to give p*y”.
That was nice👍🏻

How could it be safeguarding issue? That’s insane!

It was on twitter. Essentially, because not feeling sexual attraction is normal for young kids then telling them about asexual people who do have sex despite not feeling sexual attraction (but being in a loving relationship) could cause girls to feel as if they had to have sex with someone despite not being sexually attracted to them.

Very much agree, it’s ”funny” that these days literally anything goes, except not wanting/having sex, then you are ill - go fix it.
I’ve been told that I’m ”useless for a man if I’m not going to give py”.*
That was nice👍🏻

It's one of those things that seem to bother other people far more than it bothers me. I even had someone try to quote the DSM at me when it doesn't even apply.

What have you done to try and look constructively apart from reddit?

I looked for asexual dating sites in my country (nothing)

I checked some lgbt sites, usually they don’t mention asexuality, but it’s checked. Dating stuff are specifically for gays/lesbians/bi’s.

I’ve been on dating apps, I have had ’not interested in sex/ asexual’ in my profile, no hits. Except, WARNING! THIS IS GOING TO BE VULGAR! asked if I’d still do anal. And pretty much told I just haven’t had the right dick.

I have excepted some dates found in real life, but nothing goes forward, because, you know.
I haven’t told anyone in real life, I have wondered if I should, in case anyone knows/ at some point would get to know someone like me / who would be okey with this, and they could get help us meet.

your thread took quite a negative approach and I wonder whether this extends to your approach to dating also.

I hope this wasn’t too negative. But this is how things have unraveled. I’d love to have more positive stories, I hope one day!

I thought wooly mammoth's post was pretty patronising to be honest

You did use some pretty extreme language, though; perhaps it's more akin to saying i wouldn't want to eat eel? I know I never want to eat eel, even though I haven't tasted it; I also recognise that lots of people like eel. Using analogies of torture just seems ... extreme.

I think the more extreme analogies can come out because if you say you're not interested in sex you get hit with "maybe you just haven't met the right person yet" or "my cousin's sister's dog's friend was just like you but then she met her husband and she loves sex now!!" or "if you have counselling then you might like it then!" as if we're something to be fixed.

I guess it's similar to saying you don't want kids and getting hit with "it's different when it's your own" so you get used to trying to cut these people off by over exaggerating your feelings.

Are you going to keep searching ?@IsThereAnEchoInHere

OP are you outside the U.K.? Perhaps this is the reason why you are not able to find suitable asexual people on dating sites? Not that asexual people don’t exist elsewhere but that they might not realise what to call themselves as asexuality is not discussed there.

Asexual is a well defined sexual orientation. It’s normal, though I guess not that common. There are some ignorant people on here who think that their sexual orientations are the only correct ones and that anyone who isn’t the same as them must be mistaken or have something wrong with them. It’s a little like attitudes towards gay people decades ago.

Please don’t be defensive. There is nothing wrong with the way you are. Just keep on looking and look in the right places (ie. Where you know that the other people are asexual too). Maybe you might even consider moving somewhere where there are more open attitudes, or simply a larger population.

I think as most people have posted, if going into a relationship most expect sex,but going forward a relationship without sex is possible, I can't imagine having sex again, I'm mid fifties and I've made this clear to my husband of 31 years up to him whether he wants to continue, but he seems to be ok with it . I find the thought of it repulsive and wouldn't want a relationship with sex

It's a shame that OP's dilemma is being treated as a type of AIBU.

It's not unreasonable to be asexual. A certain proportion of people all over the world and since the beginning of time have been naturally inclined towards asexuality.

The issue for the OP isn't whether she is being reasonable or not but rather how she is going to find a good dating match. It is harder for sure, but not impossible.

It's not unreasonable at all, but in essence what she's asking is 'AIBU to want love and a committed romantic relationship when I am asexual, live in a small town in a small country, will not considering moving to somewhere bigger unless I have already found a partner, and am dismissing all suggestions as to how to be more active in pursuing an asexual relationship?'

Pretty sure I will be🤣 @JupiterBiscuit

I’ve had times where I seore I’d give, tried to convince myself that live isin’t real and all that.

But I always come and try again. And again.
I wondered if I’m a fool, but my heart and the romantic part of won’t let me quit.

@JodyMitchell
Yes, I’m outside of U.K.

Thank you for your lovely comments.
It means a lot.

You sound very positive and engaging. I like that attitude. I don't want to derail your thread but message me if you want to chat, if not I wish you all the best @IsThereAnEchoInHere

I think there are plenty of men who aren't particularly sexual, OP (I was married to one).
Maybe being completely open on a dating site would be the way forward.

You sound genuine but it just isn’t going to happen. Best wishes for your future.