To say this is my house?

[LovelySparrow]

Have name changed as I know dp's family is on here

I have been going out with dp for nearly 5 years. We are both in our 50s and divorced with our own kids, none together.

He moved into the house I was living in at the time, since then, I sold the house and bought somewhere bigger where we all had our own space. It is solely in my name and I purchased it on my own and I pay for everything to do with its maintenance/upkeep.

Dp still owns a house with his ex where she lives. She was meant to have sold it by now but doesn't want to (kids have left home etc.). I'm not involved in that. He pays part of the mortgage on that house.

This weekend we were talking about the house and dp mentioned he had paid for something and I said I would refund him. He said why would you do that, it's our house. I said but it isn't actually, it's my house. I said you have a house. This may be your home but it's actually legally my house.

He's now really upset. Said I'm being incredibly nasty and he feels really shit. When we went to bed, I saw he had tears in his eyes. I tried to clear the air but he didn't want to hear it but I'm going to today.

I don't think I'm wrong. We have no kids together. If I die, everything goes to my kids, I've always been clear about that and although we don't have a co habitation agreement, he has (legally) acknowledged that he has no claim on me/my estate if I did die.

I don't think, just because he's moved in with me, that he has any rights to say it's his house or our house in any way. Happy for it to be our home.

Was I a bitch because he seems to be implying that I'm incredibly cruel and unfair?

It's your house but it's his home

Thanks - i did acknowledge that straight away when we spoke about it. But apparently that is not enough.

I would have said “it’s your home but it’s my house haha, so I’ll reimburse you” with a smile.

I do think it’s important that he is reminded, will save hassle later on in life.

It doesn’t sound like you really feel very committed to him; especially if he pays for things in the house

If he has legally acknowledge he has no claim on the property I think you were being quite petty to pick him up on it.

He obviously sees it as his house in that he wants to help pay for things and enjoys living there with you. It seems a very spiteful thing to bring up unnecessary to what was a very innocent comment.

Well he doesn't pay for things in the house, that's why he mentioned it. I pay for the upkeep of the house.

He owns a house with his ex, he's lucky you aren't picking that apart, I would be!

To be fair, I would of said if he was that upset he could of sold his house with his ex and put it towards half the house!
That should of been dealt with a long time ago.

Well yes - he can't actually financially contribute because he is paying the mortgage on his house.

I know he mentioned paying that bill because he wants the money back, not because he was being generous!

So he pays nothing to bills or mortgage? No monthly rent at all?

I'm with you OP. At this stage of life it's important everyone knows where they stand legally and financially. If he wanted the committment he could have sold his house and had a financial input into a joint home. Instead he has a leg in both camps; neither in or out. I'd be checking out legally that he has no claim on your home if you split up because he is not viewing ownership the same way you do.

Where will he Iive f you ( god forbid) die?

YANBU then. Just ignore his guilt trip.

End of the day I would be asking why he still pays for a mortgage for his ex to live in when his kids are all grown up and moved out! Somethings a bit weird about that.

I hope he's paying some rent to you here.

I think you do need a calm discussion about the fact that it is your property and you are responsible for the cost of running it (which he clearly know if he expects to be paid back for buying something). What does he contribute financially to your combined lifestyle?

What are the legal arrangements if you die before him... does he get to stay in the house?

This

If he wants a house in joint names with you, he needs to come up with the readies. As is, you’re funding his inability to stand up to his ex then getting teary when you remind him of the status quo. This is not a time for gently telling him it’s his home, bla bla bla. I bet he’d hit the roof if you reminded him, however gently, that he is funding his ex’s lifestyle and you his.

OP does he know that your kids inherit 100% of the house? Make sure he knows this.

Does anyone know if OP marries this guy would he have a claim on the house?

I know op hasn’t mentioned marriage but I’m just curious

I’ve read on other threads about a contract you can get him to sign stating a cohabiting partner has no rights to the house. I’d be contacting a solicitor just to get things clarified op.

If OP marries this man, he would then be entitled to 50% of the house as it would be a marital asset.

😱 even though she’s the sole owner and bought it before they married?

In the house he has a mortgage on. In a shed out the back or something? OP won't care she'll be dead.

I agree that clarity is v important but I disagree with the pp saying you don't sound committed. It's not necessary or always prudent to go "all in" in a relationship at your stage and situation in life. You have assets accrued separately and adult children. It's not like you're starting out together. I doubt I will ever cohabit again for all sorts of practical reasons but I'm in a very committed relationship.

Yes he would. The same as op would have a 25% interest in his house with his ex… and presuming he’s thought to sever the joint tenancy, she would inherit this interest. Otherwise if he died, the whole house would go to his ex. As they’ve cohabited for 5 years even if they divorced quite quickly, the courts could take the cohabiting time into account so he’d possibly be owed 50% and op 25%.