To say this is my house?

[LovelySparrow]

Have name changed as I know dp's family is on here

I have been going out with dp for nearly 5 years. We are both in our 50s and divorced with our own kids, none together.

He moved into the house I was living in at the time, since then, I sold the house and bought somewhere bigger where we all had our own space. It is solely in my name and I purchased it on my own and I pay for everything to do with its maintenance/upkeep.

Dp still owns a house with his ex where she lives. She was meant to have sold it by now but doesn't want to (kids have left home etc.). I'm not involved in that. He pays part of the mortgage on that house.

This weekend we were talking about the house and dp mentioned he had paid for something and I said I would refund him. He said why would you do that, it's our house. I said but it isn't actually, it's my house. I said you have a house. This may be your home but it's actually legally my house.

He's now really upset. Said I'm being incredibly nasty and he feels really shit. When we went to bed, I saw he had tears in his eyes. I tried to clear the air but he didn't want to hear it but I'm going to today.

I don't think I'm wrong. We have no kids together. If I die, everything goes to my kids, I've always been clear about that and although we don't have a co habitation agreement, he has (legally) acknowledged that he has no claim on me/my estate if I did die.

I don't think, just because he's moved in with me, that he has any rights to say it's his house or our house in any way. Happy for it to be our home.

Was I a bitch because he seems to be implying that I'm incredibly cruel and unfair?

Not quite right in law, but in practice probably.
in law, yes it would become a marital asset. On divorce both she and an ex would have rights to fair settlement
that’s defined in law by about 10 or so criteria that need to be met if applicable- not all would be applicable in this case
only once that is met are any “surplus” assets divided

both parties would need to declare their properties in the legal financial disclosure. So, the ex would declare his property with wife still in, and she would declare her property. Plus all pension pots, plus all savings etc . So, in practice she may keep the house, if he has other assets such as a larger pension pot etc

Five years is nothing. Hang on to your house.

(If) when he buys one fifty fifty with you, and pays his share of the bills, then it will be his ( and your) house. Currently he has a house, but his once wife lives in it.

This is the response of a 20 or 30 yr old with the experiences of just setting out in life with the love of their life. Not with the experiences of an older woman who has already had to pay the motherhood penalty for one man and now has to consider the realities in modern Britain. The realities of providing for her children in the modern world where inheritance matters rather more than what work they will do, and where women’s rights are slowly dying.

Men take off women if we give them the chance, and it’s entirely possible that a new man may have expected to do the same. You’ve told him where he stands op, which is on your ground that he contributes nothing to. Judge him on his response: it will show you how entitled or caring he feels about your time and energy.

If he wants to call a home his house, he can always move in with you to the house he actually owns (where his wife lives now) and where he pays for everything. Otherwise, tough

OP, I am with you here when you make sure he doesn't get an ideas, for the sake of your children

have you made a will
do you plan to get married

You've deeply hurt your partners feelings, to the point where a man in his 50's is crying which suggests a they've incurred some trauma from your comments.

For your reaction to that to be to seek confirmation online that they are unreasonable (which is essentially what you are doing) says a whole lot about how you view your partner and it is certainly not as an equal.

I think he'll probably leave after something like this. The feeling of security is one of the most fundamental needs that we have as humans and you've just completely ripped that away from him.

I don't buy the argument made by some that this needed saying. It has changed absolutely nothing from a legal standpoint, OP still has exactly the same control over their finances as they had 2 days ago, they are in the same position but have made their partner feel very insecure, a partner who has already had their home seemingly taken from them previously with his Ex still living in his "other" property.

I agree and I dont understand the people saying where would he go if the OP died- he HAS a house of his own already, he'd have to sell that and split the proceeds with his ex and use that to get a new place. He wouldnt be out on the street if he already owns his own house fgs.

Absolutely this.

He's not half entitled.

Having a pouty sulk because a house he has never contributed to isn't now his.

That the nasty unkind woman he lives off hasn't been stupid enough to say of course you may have have of my home that you never paid a penny for and live rent free in🙄.

OP, his behaviour would give me the Ick.

He pays for an asset that continues to grow, but also feels entitled to some of yours.

Deep down he hoped you were a bit of a mug.

He's upset for himself.

He's a user.

No thanks for housing him rent free while he pays for a home for his wife?

You must have low self esteem to be so used and have such a low man bar.

Ick.

Why do so many people keep droning on about pre-nups when OP stated "Crikey not getting married again, definitely not!"?

If he is so unhappy that he's crying himself to sleep - and sulking - tell him to move out and rent or buy somewhere of his own.
Maybe he'll turn on the waterworks on for the ex-wife who's home he is funding?

Tell him that's he's free to move back into the house he's still paying for!!

@Arightoldcarryabag I think he'll probably leave after something like this. The feeling of security is one of the most fundamental needs that we have as humans and you've just completely ripped that away from him.

I doubt he will leave, at the moment his housing costs are all paid for (including his council tax) by the OP. Tax and rent in most parts of the continent are going to mean at minimum he needs to find another £700 a month to look after himself. He’s not going to do that.

And can I just add, some of the replies to a grown man being reduced to tears, saying that he is "sulking" are just beyond unkind.

I bet you are the same people posting about mental health awareness and changing your facebook profile pictures saying "Be Kind". Absolute rotters.

It costs nothing to employ a little empathy. You can agree with OP and how this has been handled but beyond that to attacking someone you don't know, well that's pretty hideous.

👏

You've deeply hurt your partners feelings, to the point where a man in his 50's is crying which suggests a they've incurred some trauma from your comments
🙄

I think he'll probably leave after something like this. The feeling of security is one of the most fundamental needs that we have as humans and you've just completely ripped that away from him

How dramatic 🤣
He's not going anywhere. He'll be playing the long game

I am not sure why you are funding his lifestyle to the extent that he isn't even paying regular bills, never mind rent.

I am also not sure why he is complaining about you refunding him when he wanted that in the first place.

OP has done nothing except said, truthfully, that it's not his house. If her comments cause him "trauma" then he should sort out the sale of his property, agree with OP that he will buy-in jointly with her, and step up to become an equal financial partner.

I think he'll probably leave after something like this. The feeling of security is one of the most fundamental needs that we have as humans and you've just completely ripped that away from him

I doubt it - as it would mean him being considerably financially worse off than he is now. Far easier to stay in place, look tearful and wounded and have OP feeling guilty about saying something which is fair, true and reasonable. He's an adult. He got a polite reminder of the reality of his situation. If his intrinsic feeling of security is so vital, then why hasn't he done something to safeguard it?

Yes this is my thinking, it was a first step towards a slow claim on OP’s home. A lot of women would pussyfoot around it and not contest the “our house” part to avoid offending, but the fact is the house belongs to OP and she is protecting her asset as many people would advise her to do if starting this set up.

I own my home and if I did decide to move a partner in, would be making the ownership situation very very clear to protect the asset I intend to pass to my children.

OPs partner is benefitting from lower costs which enable him to continue paying toward his own asset

I think he'll probably leave after something like this. The feeling of security is one of the most fundamental needs that we have as humans and you've just completely ripped that away from him.

He could have achieved that sense of security for himself if it was so fundamental to him, he already part owns a house and is paying part of the mortgage whilst someone else lives there. The OP is not responsible for giving him the security he could get for himself.

He may be happy to let his hard earned cash line someone else's pocket, the OP doesn't have to do the same. She's protecting her own security from a man baby.

If he leaves he will have to sort out the house he owns with his ex so that may be a good thing for him. My guess is that he likes an easy life and he will stay so that OP can continue to subsidise him and he doesn't have to adult about the house he owns with his ex.

I am definitely definitely not marrying him or anyone

I don't think I have low self esteem. He pays his share of living bills, no he doesn't pay rent but that doesn't bother me. I want him to pay for the extra costs of him living here as opposed to me being on my own, which he does which I suppose is somewhat akin to rent though far lower.

I just will not be taken advantage of. I have an appointment booked with a solicitor in a few weeks time to go through my will because both my kids are over 21 now and I need to update it so I will mention all this at the same time.

He has landed on his feet with me. And I have no problem with that. But that does not mean he gets to share in all the hard work it took for me to get where I am today by contributing nothing financial.

If the situation was reversed and I had a house I already owned and I moved in with someone else, I wouldn't dare call it my house.

well done op
glad you have a solicitor appointment to check your will

very strange reaction from him though to be tearful

Ask about Lasting Power of Attorney whilst you’re there OP.

It does seem a little harsh but it’s absolutely your house and he needs to know that. Sounds like perhaps he was starting to feel his way into making it his house too

Is he fully aware it will be going to your kids should anything happen to you? And he’d be out on his ear?

We’ve had some awful situations in our wider family where a second spouse has got everything and given nothing to the original children. I know you’re not married so that shouldn’t be an issue though.

And he needs to sort out the situation with the former marital home. That really is ridiculous.