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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say this is my house?

341 replies

LovelySparrow · 25/06/2023 06:58

Have name changed as I know dp's family is on here

I have been going out with dp for nearly 5 years. We are both in our 50s and divorced with our own kids, none together.

He moved into the house I was living in at the time, since then, I sold the house and bought somewhere bigger where we all had our own space. It is solely in my name and I purchased it on my own and I pay for everything to do with its maintenance/upkeep.

Dp still owns a house with his ex where she lives. She was meant to have sold it by now but doesn't want to (kids have left home etc.). I'm not involved in that. He pays part of the mortgage on that house.

This weekend we were talking about the house and dp mentioned he had paid for something and I said I would refund him. He said why would you do that, it's our house. I said but it isn't actually, it's my house. I said you have a house. This may be your home but it's actually legally my house.

He's now really upset. Said I'm being incredibly nasty and he feels really shit. When we went to bed, I saw he had tears in his eyes. I tried to clear the air but he didn't want to hear it but I'm going to today.

I don't think I'm wrong. We have no kids together. If I die, everything goes to my kids, I've always been clear about that and although we don't have a co habitation agreement, he has (legally) acknowledged that he has no claim on me/my estate if I did die.

I don't think, just because he's moved in with me, that he has any rights to say it's his house or our house in any way. Happy for it to be our home.

Was I a bitch because he seems to be implying that I'm incredibly cruel and unfair?

OP posts:
Lipolass · 25/06/2023 07:50

I don’t understand all the ‘but what happens to him if he dies?’ questions. He owns half a house which he could sell, and has clearly chosen not to. He is an adult who is able to make his own choices. If he is unwilling to sell his house, there are consequences to that, namely having to find accommodation in the event of the OP’s death. This isn’t her responsibility, it’s his.

Missingmyusername · 25/06/2023 07:51

“That's not for op to sort. The dp has a property he is in deeds of and owns capitol in.”

Very complicated all round, it’s all very well saying “not my problem” but it will be very problematic in reality for all sorts of reasons because of law. You cannot just throw someone out.

J0S · 25/06/2023 07:51

LovelySparrow · 25/06/2023 07:34

Crikey not getting married again, definitely not!

He pays an amount each month into a joint account (the only one we have together) that pays for things like food, meals out, petrol, vet bills. The bills like council tax etc I pick up. He couldn't afford more. I don't mind that, I earn a lot more than him, but I have always been v clear that he has a house that he is choosing to carry on funding.

He doesn't have a life right to live here. If I die, house goes to my kids and I assume at that point, he could sort out his own house by making his ex sell (which he should have done years ago, even before we met).

So he is living with you rent free and not paying anything towards the bills? And you are doing this so that he can continue to build up equity in a house he still owns with his ex.

He’s a grown man who pays no gas or electricity bills, council tax, house insurance , repairs and maintenance, decoration, furnishings and fixtures and all these other tedious things that most adults spend a lot of money on.

Gosh he’s got it made hasn’t he? His ex pays all the running costs of their joint house and you pay all the running costs of where he lives now. he just pays his food bills, as if he’s your 19 year old son in his first job.

Why are you happy with this set up @LovelySparrow ?

catsnhats11 · 25/06/2023 07:55

Ignore any suggestions he should pay rent, or contribute financially to the house (food and bills aside) as this could give him a legitimate claim on the house if you split.

If he wants to share the house he should have forced the sale on his house and you could have bought one together.

Summerslimtime · 25/06/2023 07:58

Where the hell is he supposed to go when you die? This could happen at any age, he could be elderly, frail etc and have to move out

Poor lamb owns half a bloody house that he is paying the mortgage on fir his ex wife to live there! He needs to sort his own life out.

Lovestinksyeahyeah · 25/06/2023 07:58

He sounds like a cheeky fuck who wants claim on yours and ex’s house

Mummyoflittledragon · 25/06/2023 07:59

J0S · 25/06/2023 07:51

So he is living with you rent free and not paying anything towards the bills? And you are doing this so that he can continue to build up equity in a house he still owns with his ex.

He’s a grown man who pays no gas or electricity bills, council tax, house insurance , repairs and maintenance, decoration, furnishings and fixtures and all these other tedious things that most adults spend a lot of money on.

Gosh he’s got it made hasn’t he? His ex pays all the running costs of their joint house and you pay all the running costs of where he lives now. he just pays his food bills, as if he’s your 19 year old son in his first job.

Why are you happy with this set up @LovelySparrow ?

Show quote history

Exactly. Very good post.

Batalax · 25/06/2023 07:59

What happens if he dies? Does his ex get all the house if they are joint tenants? I hope at least he is tenants in common with her, so at least his kids inherit his half.
I’m the op isn’t in line for it. So why should he expect anything from her house?

SophieJo · 25/06/2023 07:59

You are not ‘incredibly cruel and unfair’ just protecting yourself. I think I’d be very vary from now on.

GameOverBoys · 25/06/2023 08:00

Sometimes being in the right isn’t about being factually accurate I would feel very sad if my DP said that

Hollyisalrightactuallysorry · 25/06/2023 08:00

Gosh all these threads where women are told to protect their finances when getting into a new relationship...make sure your property is in your own name, protect your children's assets etc

OP is very sensibly doing just that, has reassured her DP that this is his home but is clear that the house belongs to her. He pays nothing towards it financially (only contributing to food/petrol etc) AND OP has said he usually reminds her what he pays a bill as he wants reimbursing

OP I don't think you're treating him like a lodger or being uncaring at all. You are just doing what women are ALWAYS told to do on MN in making sure not to leave themselves financially vulnerable.

Rosebel · 25/06/2023 08:01

LovelySparrow · 25/06/2023 07:08

Well yes - he can't actually financially contribute because he is paying the mortgage on his house.

I know he mentioned paying that bill because he wants the money back, not because he was being generous!

First of all you said he paid for something and was upset when you said you'd give him the money back. Now you are saying he only mentioned it because he wanted the money back.
Your OP makes it sound like he didn't want the money back as he sees it as his house, now you are implying he doesn't see it as his house.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 25/06/2023 08:02

Where will he Iive f you ( god forbid) die?

I imagine he'll then have the motivation to sort out the asset he owns with his ex.

SleepingStandingUp · 25/06/2023 08:03

Missingmyusername · 25/06/2023 07:36

I wouldn’t live with you and solve the problem. I couldn’t settle /see it as my home.

It’s NOT his home whilst he’s alive though is it. He might live longer.

What happens if you go into a nursing home OP? I don’t think you can throw him out on the streets.

Where the hell is he supposed to go when you die? This could happen at any age, he could be elderly, frail etc and have to move out.

He has a house of his own.

RedTedBoom · 25/06/2023 08:03

I have a similar situation, it is my house but our home, my DP is quite happy with this. He has his own which is currently being sold & he will then invest that money to generate income as he sees fit.
DP is quite happy with this distinction. We do not have any joint accounts, he is not on any bills etc.
He does now contribute to large purchases, such as dining table & gives me an agreed amount towards food etc

YetAnotherSpartacus · 25/06/2023 08:03

So he is living with you rent free and not paying anything towards the bills? And you are doing this so that he can continue to build up equity in a house he still owns with his ex.

He’s a grown man who pays no gas or electricity bills, council tax, house insurance , repairs and maintenance, decoration, furnishings and fixtures and all these other tedious things that most adults spend a lot of money on.

Gosh he’s got it made hasn’t he? His ex pays all the running costs of their joint house and you pay all the running costs of where he lives now. he just pays his food bills, as if he’s your 19 year old son in his first job.

Why are you happy with this set up LovelySparrow ?

Nailed it.

Tanfastic · 25/06/2023 08:04

Op, I think you've been very clear. I would have said exactly the same. Don't feel guilty.

AgnesX · 25/06/2023 08:04

You're quite right and I think you need to spell out to him exactly why.

I wonder though, as he has so little input, why he has the idea that it's yours in the plural. Is he entitled or have you inadvertently let him think that way.

borntobequiet · 25/06/2023 08:05

He is being unreasonable. Tell him to stop the silly sulking.

Oomph · 25/06/2023 08:05

charabang · 25/06/2023 07:18

I'm with you OP. At this stage of life it's important everyone knows where they stand legally and financially. If he wanted the committment he could have sold his house and had a financial input into a joint home. Instead he has a leg in both camps; neither in or out. I'd be checking out legally that he has no claim on your home if you split up because he is not viewing ownership the same way you do.

What this lady said

continentallentil · 25/06/2023 08:06

SeeingSpots · 25/06/2023 07:02

If he has legally acknowledge he has no claim on the property I think you were being quite petty to pick him up on it.

He obviously sees it as his house in that he wants to help pay for things and enjoys living there with you. It seems a very spiteful thing to bring up unnecessary to what was a very innocent comment.

Yep.

He’s obviously hurt, so let it settle and then have a conversation about it.

AP5Diva · 25/06/2023 08:07

If I'm living with someone and I said "my house" and my partner turned round and said it's not your house. It's my house and it'll never be your house, I'd be upset. I'd feel pretty undermined and worthless. I get that the op is just being truthful but there are just nicer ways to say it, I guess.

This reflects my thinking too. Even tenants in a rental will refer to the heap of bricks and mortar as “their house” as in you should come over to ours, check out our house.

DP knows he doesn’t own it and there was no need for OP to remind him of it so bluntly and essentially pull him up on saying “our house” instead of “your house”. I can see why he reacted as he did
”He's now really upset. Said I'm being incredibly nasty and he feels really shit. When we went to bed, I saw he had tears in his eyes.”

PriOn1 · 25/06/2023 08:08

I don’t quite understand why it came up. In your first post, you said:

”This weekend we were talking about the house and dp mentioned he had paid for something and I said I would refund him. He said why would you do that, it's our house.”

But in a later post you say:

”I know he mentioned paying that bill because he wants the money back, not because he was being generous!”

If he was mentioning it because he wants the money back, why would he then question why you would refund him? Do you think he was looking for a fight, or that he isn’t happy with the current arrangement? Or did I misunderstand something (very possible as I’m unwell and not at all with it)?

FWIW, it sounds a very sensible arrangement and you sound like you have good boundaries.

Paq · 25/06/2023 08:08

I imagine your comment reinforced his feeling of vulnerability. He is in a very weak position in that you could toss him out at a moment’s notice on a whim.

It’s not your responsibility but he needs to sort out his housing situation with his ex.

Mirabai · 25/06/2023 08:10

In the list of stuff he pays for OP you don’t list utilities.

If he can’t afford to pay his way he needs to sort out his divorce: either ex takes over the mortgage or the house is sold and the proceeds divided.

You are subsidising his ex’s lifestyle - why?

If he hadn’t moved in with you he would have been forced to push ahead with divorce or he wouldn’t have been able to afford to live.