Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say this is my house?

341 replies

LovelySparrow · 25/06/2023 06:58

Have name changed as I know dp's family is on here

I have been going out with dp for nearly 5 years. We are both in our 50s and divorced with our own kids, none together.

He moved into the house I was living in at the time, since then, I sold the house and bought somewhere bigger where we all had our own space. It is solely in my name and I purchased it on my own and I pay for everything to do with its maintenance/upkeep.

Dp still owns a house with his ex where she lives. She was meant to have sold it by now but doesn't want to (kids have left home etc.). I'm not involved in that. He pays part of the mortgage on that house.

This weekend we were talking about the house and dp mentioned he had paid for something and I said I would refund him. He said why would you do that, it's our house. I said but it isn't actually, it's my house. I said you have a house. This may be your home but it's actually legally my house.

He's now really upset. Said I'm being incredibly nasty and he feels really shit. When we went to bed, I saw he had tears in his eyes. I tried to clear the air but he didn't want to hear it but I'm going to today.

I don't think I'm wrong. We have no kids together. If I die, everything goes to my kids, I've always been clear about that and although we don't have a co habitation agreement, he has (legally) acknowledged that he has no claim on me/my estate if I did die.

I don't think, just because he's moved in with me, that he has any rights to say it's his house or our house in any way. Happy for it to be our home.

Was I a bitch because he seems to be implying that I'm incredibly cruel and unfair?

OP posts:
ThePoetsWife · 25/06/2023 07:26

I would tell him that you're actually helping fund his life choices - buying a bigger house because of him and paying all his bills.

He's going to be fucked though if you die before him. What are his plans for then?

Mummyoflittledragon · 25/06/2023 07:28

STARCATCHER22 · 25/06/2023 07:24

If OP marries this man, he would then be entitled to 50% of the house as it would be a marital asset.

Show quote history

Op could get a prenup if he agreed to sign. But not sure how water tight that could be as they can be vetoed by a court.

Yikesno · 25/06/2023 07:29

I think this whole setup is rather odd - why is he still ok with paying his ex's mortgage? Would you prefer to keep going as you are, or do you prefer to get a place jointly or perhaps he could buy a holiday home as his contribution? Or maybe he could pay rent? I wouldn't be ok with being the sole provider for the household just so he can support his ex.

loislovesstewie · 25/06/2023 07:30

I'm widowed, I can't think that I will ever have a relationship again, however if I did then I would make it plain that the house is intended for my adult kids. I definitely would not want any new partner thinking that he would be staying and doing my kids out of a home.
You need to have a calm conversation about this. It's his home while you live, but that's it.

Nightlystroll · 25/06/2023 07:33

I think I'd be upset, honestly. It would feel like I was a random lodger. But maybe that's how you view him? I've stayed in places that I've not owned but I still say my house. It sounds to me like he's viewing you have a future together and the house is the place where you'll grow together, maybe grow old together, and you've taken that ground from under him.
I can't imagine living somewhere and not being allowed to say, this is my house.

Original poster
LovelySparrow · 25/06/2023 07:34

Crikey not getting married again, definitely not!

He pays an amount each month into a joint account (the only one we have together) that pays for things like food, meals out, petrol, vet bills. The bills like council tax etc I pick up. He couldn't afford more. I don't mind that, I earn a lot more than him, but I have always been v clear that he has a house that he is choosing to carry on funding.

He doesn't have a life right to live here. If I die, house goes to my kids and I assume at that point, he could sort out his own house by making his ex sell (which he should have done years ago, even before we met).

OP posts:
MichelleScarn · 25/06/2023 07:35

@Nightlystroll a lodger contributes financially, this dp doesn't!

Missingmyusername · 25/06/2023 07:36

I wouldn’t live with you and solve the problem. I couldn’t settle /see it as my home.

It’s NOT his home whilst he’s alive though is it. He might live longer.

What happens if you go into a nursing home OP? I don’t think you can throw him out on the streets.

Where the hell is he supposed to go when you die? This could happen at any age, he could be elderly, frail etc and have to move out.

SeeingSpots · 25/06/2023 07:36

I think I'd be upset, honestly. It would feel like I was a random lodger. But maybe that's how you view him?

That's exactly how it comes across to me too. Look if you don't want him paying for the house, towards bills etc because you think that would give him some rights to the property that's fine but equally it should also be ok for him to say it's his house whe he's living there with you and is your partner.

Panteranoir · 25/06/2023 07:37

He's got some front sulking about you saying your house is your own, whilst he can't even sort out his previous house with his ex and you are subsidising hs life.

He's straying into cf territory

Riverlee · 25/06/2023 07:40

By offering to refund him, it sounds like you’re not a partnership.

Sunflowergirl1 · 25/06/2023 07:41

Do not be manipulated into either putting his name in the house or buying together. At your age, you are financially secure as you are. Don’t be fooled by his tears. I have heard this scenario rather frequently

MissyB1 · 25/06/2023 07:42

The real issue here I suspect is the fact that he’s still paying the mortgage in his old house, why is he doing that? Is there an agreement to sell that house at some point and split the profit with his ex? The long term plan for that house is very relevant.

Having said that, be aware of how you word things. Don’t rub his nose in the fact that he lives in a property you own. You presumably want him there.

IheardYouButDontWantToAnswer · 25/06/2023 07:42

You are completely right, it IS your house.

Gerrataere · 25/06/2023 07:43

Yanbu, your house, your asset, not your problem that he hasn’t sorted his own assets out. Do not be guilt tripped, you were not cruel, you said it’s his home which is true.

SeeingSpots · 25/06/2023 07:43

Sunflowergirl1 · 25/06/2023 07:41

Do not be manipulated into either putting his name in the house or buying together. At your age, you are financially secure as you are. Don’t be fooled by his tears. I have heard this scenario rather frequently

It doesn't sound like that's even remotely what he's trying to get her to do. All the bloke did was refer to it as our house in a general conversation with the person he lives with. I don't think it's remotely as deep as this.

Nightlystroll · 25/06/2023 07:45

MichelleScarn · 25/06/2023 07:35

@Nightlystroll a lodger contributes financially, this dp doesn't!

I don't want to get in a ding dong over it.

If I'm living with someone and I said "my house" and my partner turned round and said it's not your house. It's my house and it'll never be your house, I'd be upset. I'd feel pretty undermined and worthless.
I get that the op is just being truthful but there are just nicer ways to say it, I guess.

NannyOggsWhiskyStash · 25/06/2023 07:45

It's really odd that he is paying for a house he does not live in, how long has he been divorced for, and why has the house not been sold? Does his ex have some debilitating illness? Does she have a partner? I think you need to put your house in your children's name, or put it in your will as this could get messy.

Ywudu · 25/06/2023 07:46

His children are grown up but he's still paying his exes mortgage whilst barely contributing to your life together? He doesn't see your life together as a partnership either does he? Why are you subsiding his ex by letting him give her all his money and not pay his way with you?

AdaColeman · 25/06/2023 07:46

Far from being cruel and unfair, you are facilitating his AND his ex wife's life style by your major financial contribution.

Hopefully, he contributes substantially in other ways to your relationship. But if he continues to attempt to guilt trip you, perhaps you need to re evaluate just what he brings to your relationship.

MichelleScarn · 25/06/2023 07:46

Missingmyusername · 25/06/2023 07:36

I wouldn’t live with you and solve the problem. I couldn’t settle /see it as my home.

It’s NOT his home whilst he’s alive though is it. He might live longer.

What happens if you go into a nursing home OP? I don’t think you can throw him out on the streets.

Where the hell is he supposed to go when you die? This could happen at any age, he could be elderly, frail etc and have to move out.

That's not for op to sort. The dp has a property he is in deeds of and owns capitol in.

loislovesstewie · 25/06/2023 07:47

This is a bit like those threads where someone says ' but it's the landlord's house' and another says ' but it's the tenant's home'. That is the situation here, there's a difference in ownership and it being the place to call home. I don't see what is wrong with that. If you rent it's not your house, but it's your home, kids have a home but it's not, legally their house etc.

stayathomer · 25/06/2023 07:48

I normally jump for the 'but it is his house too' thing, but it's very clearly not-I have to say I find it strange he'd even mention that if he doesn't pay rent/part of the mortgage. I'd also say you have a very shaky foundation there-both of you. I'd be so paranoid all the time if dh owned the house but in a very obvious 'this isn't your house' way, but in our case we always had a joint account and put everything in together. I can see why he's hurt even though he made the rod for his back. Sorry op, I'm no help, I think I just can't wrap my head around the whole set up

MobyFlick · 25/06/2023 07:48

If OP marries DP without a pre nuptial agreement covering ownership of the house, then the house could be added to the pool of joint assets to be divided on divorce.

This is not clear cut however. There are several important caveats that might apply, particularly the lengthy of the marriage.

In a short marriage only the assets generated during the relationship would be added to the pot for division.
But, it is critically important to note that the courts will add to the length of the marriage any seamless period of prior cohabitation.

So a 2 year marriage without cohabitation is a short 2 year marriage where sharing of assets acquired prior to marriage is unlikely.
On the other hand, a 2 year marriage preceded by 10 years’ cohabitation is (in court terms) a 12 year ‘marriage’. This is not a short marriage so all of the parties’ assets could be on the table for division.

A pre nuptial is a great idea if assets acquired prior to marriage need to be ring fenced.

Similarly a cohabitation agreement is a great idea to avoid misunderstandings over ownership of assets

STARCATCHER22 · 25/06/2023 07:50

ARareKindaBear · 25/06/2023 07:24

😱 even though she’s the sole owner and bought it before they married?

Show quote history

Yep. She could get a prenup but they don’t always stand up in court during a divorce.

This is the reason women are usually encouraged to get married (at least on Mumsnet) if they are living with a man who owns a house.

Swipe left for the next trending thread