To say this is my house?

[LovelySparrow]

Have name changed as I know dp's family is on here

I have been going out with dp for nearly 5 years. We are both in our 50s and divorced with our own kids, none together.

He moved into the house I was living in at the time, since then, I sold the house and bought somewhere bigger where we all had our own space. It is solely in my name and I purchased it on my own and I pay for everything to do with its maintenance/upkeep.

Dp still owns a house with his ex where she lives. She was meant to have sold it by now but doesn't want to (kids have left home etc.). I'm not involved in that. He pays part of the mortgage on that house.

This weekend we were talking about the house and dp mentioned he had paid for something and I said I would refund him. He said why would you do that, it's our house. I said but it isn't actually, it's my house. I said you have a house. This may be your home but it's actually legally my house.

He's now really upset. Said I'm being incredibly nasty and he feels really shit. When we went to bed, I saw he had tears in his eyes. I tried to clear the air but he didn't want to hear it but I'm going to today.

I don't think I'm wrong. We have no kids together. If I die, everything goes to my kids, I've always been clear about that and although we don't have a co habitation agreement, he has (legally) acknowledged that he has no claim on me/my estate if I did die.

I don't think, just because he's moved in with me, that he has any rights to say it's his house or our house in any way. Happy for it to be our home.

Was I a bitch because he seems to be implying that I'm incredibly cruel and unfair?

if you are “supporting” him which includes providing him with somewhere to live and leave him out of your will he is in the category of people who could make a claim on your estate on death. It would be for a court to decide what’s fair in the circumstances.

I would redo your will give him a right of occupation which ends after say 6 months to 2 years to give breathing space and maybe a small cash gift and draft a letter of wishes saying the house is for your kids and he has his own house to head off a claim.

This all sounds like a mess.

You're not a

I think you were right to be very clear about this. Of course much depends on the way it was said, which is hard to judge without being there.

Oh darling, I didn’t mean to upset you. If you feel that strongly, kick out your ex-Mrs, sell your house and pay off my mortgage? Then it can be our house. No? Don’t fancy that?

You weren’t out of order at all, if anything it’s good to reinforce this type of stuff all the time.

I think you were absolutely right to remind him that it’s your house, he has a house just not with you.

How long does he have until his mortgage is paid off? Is he definitely paying that?

So he’s not contributing to the mortgage, etc.? Does he realise the only reason his wife is getting to stay in their joint house is because you’re subsidising his lifestyle.

Oops.

You're not wrong OP, to have set out a clear arrangement that protects you & your DC.

However, your DP is in a vulnerable position & I'm not sure why he hasn't resolved matters with his own property and ex. If he is divorced, this should have been finalised then?

You sound quite cold to him. I felt for him, that he had tears in his eyes.

I think if you are truly in a relationship you need to have another discussion about your positions & financial futures.

I’m with you op.
He has a property with his ex. His dc will benefit from that. Your dc will benefit from your house.

You were right to be clear about it. It's your home that you have paid for. You are not married. You need to protect your assets. If the sexes were reversed it would be the same deal - if it were all in the male partner's name and the female partner paid nothing towards it, no marriage etc, everyone would be saying she would be very vulnerable financially...IF she ALSO didn't actually own her own home, which your male dp does!!

I don't know what he's crying for, people have to be practical about these things and he doesn't get to just have financial dibs on YOUR property just because he's your boyfriend, just as a girlfriend wouldn't get financial dibs on a boyfriend's property he pays everything for.

Def you're house, def reimburse him.

I'd also make sure your will is watertight. He might say he has no claim but his behaviour says otherwise.

YANB

I don't think there is anything wrong with what you said or your set up. If your partner wants a share of the house then you would buy one together. Quite clearly this is your asset and he lives there. I have the same thing with my house going to my children when I die. My partner will need to plan for this eventuality as the house is his home now but not his actual house. And thank goodness it is as there is a reason people, especially older ones, don't want to get married and risk losing their assets.

I don't understand why he's still paying towards his old home, unless he still has young DC living there why wouldn't he divorce and force the sale of the house. At the moment he seems to want committment from you and gets to live in your house for next to nothing whilst having no money as it all goes to the exs mortgage. Sounds too close to being a cocklodger to me Op

This fella has nothing to cry about 🙄

He's living rent free with you, not even contributing to council tax (when his residing with you means that you pay 25%more than you would living alone) so he's costing you money, you're subsidising his lifestyle and he gets pissy when you say the house isn't his.

You're not his mum. He's an adult and should be paying his own way. If he can't afford to, then he should sell his place with his ex wife.

He's a cocklodger with the hump; I'm surprised that doesn't give you the ick.

OP, I see nothing wrong with this set up. Hah! If a woman was earning much less than a male partner and living in a house of his ownership, many posters would strongly advocate that she should not pay towards someone else’s property, was in an insecure position, needed to be on the deeds etc!

HOWEVER, it sounds as if even without the fact that he is paying his old mortgage on ex’s house he is in a weaker finance position than you.

He paid a bill, he sounds as if he was happy to pay it as a contribution, and it might have sounded to him as if you were throwing it back in his face. Or passive aggressively establishing your boundary, or emphasising your territory.

Listen to what he says about this.

Does it ever feel as if he is hanging on to anything with his ex, by keeping that house and not rocking that boat? Guilt? Feeling protective?

I hope you get it resolved between you.

I wouldn’t want this complication in my life tbh. If DH died, no way would I allow any other man to move in. We have worked hard for our assets and they will go to our DS’ when the time comes. Get some advice from a solicitor to protect your assets now, if you haven’t done so already.

I think the context in which you said it was harsh, even if essentially true.
But it has thrown up a bigger issue. It's time he severed his financial connections to his ex wife and I would be pushing for that. I do view it as your business because he's being subsidised by you.
And if you did die, then your children have the problem of asking him to leave the house. It's kind of making it their problem to solve because he has nothing in savings to actually enable him to move out! His ex wife might try to block a sale and even if she's cooperative, it can take months to get a buyer etc. I think this is something that ought to be sorted asap.

But I can see why his feelings were hurt - you basically told him that his home isn't his home, and until that point he'd felt emotionally that it was.

I think there’s a major difference between who pays the mortgage and who/ whose kids get any equity when you sell, and whether he’s able to see it as his house for day to day living (so able to choose stuff, buy stuff, change a cushion, put a picture up, and look after the place/ tidy up, mend stuff etc). I think you need to have a think about how you see this. For me, if he’s living there and doesn’t have another house of his own, I’d want him to feel like an equal partner day to day, even if his name isn’t on the deeds. But I would want to protect my kids’ interests, so basically I’d have a legal agreement in the background but let him choose and look after stuff day to day. A bit like a tenant/ landlord. But you have to work out how you both want it to work.

Never mind the tears at bedtime. Thats a f'ng smokescreen. He's using your kindness to blur reality. Its your house.
Its his home. End of.

He sounds weak not to have sorted his own domestics out. Be firm op. Your house is intended 100% to be inherited by your children. I would double check your legal situation ( on the quiet), to reassure yourself this is the situation.

By the way, where do you intend that dp lives if you die before him?
You need to make that waterproof too.

Not being unreasonable at all! Isn’t this how most people manage things when the kids are grownup and the house is the most valuable asset you can leave them? My mother solely owns her house but it’s my stepfather’s home; he owns his own home nearby as his own asset to bequeath but also to live in if all goes tits up. He wouldn’t bat an eye at a similar conversation – his home/my mum’s house is filled with his stuff and he’s planted the garden, treats it like his home, but everyone’s clear who owns what. I suppose the difference is he wholly owns his own separate property instead of being embroiled in a mess with his ex. That’s the real issue here: it’s not you, OP, it’s him.

Surprised at some of the very entitled answers. Like living with someone means you get a share of the house. I suspect some projection going on.

op it was the right thing to do. He was testing the water there. He’s got a house. He doesn’t get yours too and it’s important that that’s clear and it doesn’t change by drip drip dripping in it’s his.

he is a grown ass responsible adult, he’s making choices. And he’s choosing not to own with you but his ex. He doesn’t get to own with her and put his hand out to you.

and honestly. He’s taking the piss financially too

It could have been a hint that he wants in on the house.

You were right to remind him.

He needs to spend his energy getting ex t sell the house, not on how you feel about your own house.

But I can see why his feelings were hurt - you basically told him that his home isn't his home, and until that point he'd felt emotionally that it was

no she didn’t, and she’s stated twice she told him it was his home. She simply told him he didn’t own it and he got all weepy.

I also agree that he needs to sort out the situation with his ex- why is he still paying towards the mortgage when it sounds like he’s been living with you? Much better that he sorts that asap and gets himself somewhere he could live if you split up or you die. I also think you need to say, in a will or other document, what should happen if you do die before the kids are 18. Is he their guardian or a family member? Would you want him to live with them in that house until they leave home? And then sell, or does he get a grace period? All of this needs spelling out or he could claim a life interest to live there and the kids could end up having to force him out.

Not necessarily. 50/50 is starting point but it can mean nothing and judge can decide it's fairer to leave with what they came with.
It depends on things like lenght if marriage, agreements between parties (pre nups re not legally enforceable in UK), whether one was put in disadvantaged position etc.
I would say there is a good chance DH would walk away with his assets and that's it.

This 👆🏼