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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say this is my house?

341 replies

LovelySparrow · 25/06/2023 06:58

Have name changed as I know dp's family is on here

I have been going out with dp for nearly 5 years. We are both in our 50s and divorced with our own kids, none together.

He moved into the house I was living in at the time, since then, I sold the house and bought somewhere bigger where we all had our own space. It is solely in my name and I purchased it on my own and I pay for everything to do with its maintenance/upkeep.

Dp still owns a house with his ex where she lives. She was meant to have sold it by now but doesn't want to (kids have left home etc.). I'm not involved in that. He pays part of the mortgage on that house.

This weekend we were talking about the house and dp mentioned he had paid for something and I said I would refund him. He said why would you do that, it's our house. I said but it isn't actually, it's my house. I said you have a house. This may be your home but it's actually legally my house.

He's now really upset. Said I'm being incredibly nasty and he feels really shit. When we went to bed, I saw he had tears in his eyes. I tried to clear the air but he didn't want to hear it but I'm going to today.

I don't think I'm wrong. We have no kids together. If I die, everything goes to my kids, I've always been clear about that and although we don't have a co habitation agreement, he has (legally) acknowledged that he has no claim on me/my estate if I did die.

I don't think, just because he's moved in with me, that he has any rights to say it's his house or our house in any way. Happy for it to be our home.

Was I a bitch because he seems to be implying that I'm incredibly cruel and unfair?

OP posts:
JenWillsiam · 26/06/2023 18:28

LovelySparrow · 25/06/2023 09:31

I am definitely definitely not marrying him or anyone

I don't think I have low self esteem. He pays his share of living bills, no he doesn't pay rent but that doesn't bother me. I want him to pay for the extra costs of him living here as opposed to me being on my own, which he does which I suppose is somewhat akin to rent though far lower.

I just will not be taken advantage of. I have an appointment booked with a solicitor in a few weeks time to go through my will because both my kids are over 21 now and I need to update it so I will mention all this at the same time.

He has landed on his feet with me. And I have no problem with that. But that does not mean he gets to share in all the hard work it took for me to get where I am today by contributing nothing financial.

If the situation was reversed and I had a house I already owned and I moved in with someone else, I wouldn't dare call it my house.

You are right. No question. I’m amazed he thought otherwise.

Pinkfluff76 · 26/06/2023 18:34

Totally agree with you, don’t think you’re being mean at all

BananaOrangeApple · 26/06/2023 18:35

Is the house he shares with his ex your house? I doubt it so, your house is not his. Sounds like he’s trying to guilt trip you. Say you’re just stating facts, if he wants to own half of it he has to sell his house and buy into yours.

Toomuchtrouble4me · 26/06/2023 18:49

I think it’s great that you’re being honest and upfront and getting all this sorted legally and everybody understands. Well done you.
As he knows it isn’t his, why the issue? He’s being VU.

mrsbyers · 26/06/2023 18:51

The comments about not being committed are awful here , keep your financial independence for the sake of your children’s future.

Babydaddy1978 · 26/06/2023 18:57

Would you say the same if the OP was a man and it was a woman living there rent free?

RecklessGoddess · 26/06/2023 18:57

I am 💯 with you, and he needs to grow up and accept that while it is his home, it is YOUR house NOT his!

AhNowTed · 26/06/2023 19:00

Babydaddy1978 · 26/06/2023 18:57

Would you say the same if the OP was a man and it was a woman living there rent free?

Yes absolutely.

LovelyIssues · 26/06/2023 19:04

You have a point OP. It is your house. You own it. But it is his home and that comment you made was hurtful.

CantFindMyMarbles · 26/06/2023 19:07

i feel your partner is justified in his response. Why would you say something like that knowing it would not make him feel welcomed or comfortable in his home.

ButterfliesInTheSummer · 26/06/2023 19:14

I'm in exactly the same position, OP, and it's tough. Sometimes I feel warm and happy, proud that I can provide for us both and want him to feel secure. Other times I hate it when "my" home ownership isn't acknowledged. My house goes to my son. There's no right answer, it's a difficult call. You both need to acknowledge, and live with, the reality of the situation and do so kindly. That's not in one direction- he needs to give you credit for your house so you are free to share with him. Sending love x

JacquiG2 · 26/06/2023 19:16

I've seen this nonsense in another context. Kids think they own half the house when Dad dies, pay no rent, no contribution to house expenses and were treating Mum in a very cavalier manner until the situation was fully understood. Perhaps you should see a solicitor under their free half hour scheme, and secure the future for your children, not his.

AhNowTed · 26/06/2023 19:17

CantFindMyMarbles · 26/06/2023 19:07

i feel your partner is justified in his response. Why would you say something like that knowing it would not make him feel welcomed or comfortable in his home.

What would you like her to do?

Pretend he pays half the actual expense when he doesn't.
Pretend he doesn't have his own home when he does.
Pretend he has an actual stake in her house when he doesn't.
Pretend her house was a joint endeavour over a long relationship when it wasn't.

Or just make him feel a bit better about a house he lives in for fuck all, and had nothing to do with building up this valuation asset?

All the while he has his own house?

What am I missing?

mandlerparr · 26/06/2023 19:26

Sounds like he is trying to get you to say something he can use later to prove that he has a stake in your home. Especially if you don't pay him back.

CantFindMyMarbles · 26/06/2023 19:32

AhNowTed · 26/06/2023 19:17

What would you like her to do?

Pretend he pays half the actual expense when he doesn't.
Pretend he doesn't have his own home when he does.
Pretend he has an actual stake in her house when he doesn't.
Pretend her house was a joint endeavour over a long relationship when it wasn't.

Or just make him feel a bit better about a house he lives in for fuck all, and had nothing to do with building up this valuation asset?

All the while he has his own house?

What am I missing?

Show quote history

Gosh, someone is highly strung and can’t stand others opinions.

i would have just asked “let me pay you back for that” and left it at that. I certainly wouldn’t have had such a snooty response as to be reminding him it’s not his house - I’m sure he knows that already!

AhNowTed · 26/06/2023 19:36

@CantFindMyMarbles

Gosh, someone hasn't read the OPs posts.

excelledyourself · 26/06/2023 19:55

@CantFindMyMarbles it was the DP who said "it's our house". OP wasn't wrong to put him right on that. It would have been worse to just let him keep assuming.

CantFindMyMarbles · 26/06/2023 20:10

excelledyourself · 26/06/2023 19:55

@CantFindMyMarbles it was the DP who said "it's our house". OP wasn't wrong to put him right on that. It would have been worse to just let him keep assuming.

He probably meant home though. Not necessarily house. People use the phrases interchangeabley. When I phone my housing association and talk about “my house” they don’t feel the need to remind me I don’t own it….even when I pay for upgrades!

Tiddlypomtiddlypom · 26/06/2023 20:20

Was I a bitch because he seems to be implying that I'm incredibly cruel and unfair?

No. You weren’t. And I’m pleased to read a thread by a woman with extremely clear boundaries who is savvy and has planned well.

He might be upset but it’s a fact.

His situation playing the mortgage on a house with his ex is very odd, too.

pollymere · 26/06/2023 20:58

Saying you'd pay him back seems a little cruel and nasty if he lives there tbh. How can he be part of your life if you don't buy things together?

I remember DH seeing me debate a soft toy elephant when we were first together and looking worried. Turned out he didn't want the elephant to have a broken home if we broke up...

Money has been a totally joint thing since we started dating with purchases being purchases. I have no idea who bought what in our house. I've probably contributed more in terms of mortgage and maintenance but I've no idea how much.

I'd feel terrible if DH had ever felt that I was going to pay him for something we both benefited from.

TheaBrandt · 26/06/2023 21:08

JOS in that scenario you can’t leave your share of the marital house directly to the kids on the first death if the surviving spouse will have nowhere to live. They could make a claim in your estate and would be granted reasonable provision. Also you would lose your spousal exemption for iht.

WaterIris · 26/06/2023 21:19

Saying you'd pay him back seems a little cruel and nasty if he lives there tbh. How can he be part of your life if you don't buy things together?

How is it cruel and nasty? OP has explained that this is how they usually do things. The house is for her children; I don't blame her for wanting to safeguard it. And of course he can be part of her life even though they don't buy things together? Plenty of couples have separate finances.

readbooksdrinktea · 26/06/2023 21:27

How can he be part of your life if you don't buy things together?

Say what now?

Tiddlypomtiddlypom · 26/06/2023 21:50

This place is fickle.

mumsnet:

“You stupid woman, you’ve shared your home with a cocklodging man and not safeguarded your home! Have you not considered your kids at all?!”

Also Mumsnet:

“You made it clear your home is yours and will be going to your children. You’re so cruel, how can you have upset the poor man sharing your home? Awful woman. Selfish.”

😂

WaterIris · 26/06/2023 21:58

I know, poor bloke. His ex paying the bulk of the costs of the house he jointly owns, whilst he's also got OP keeping a roof over his head and tiptoeing round his manly ego so as not to hurt his feelz. What a hard life he has.