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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say this is my house?

341 replies

LovelySparrow · 25/06/2023 06:58

Have name changed as I know dp's family is on here

I have been going out with dp for nearly 5 years. We are both in our 50s and divorced with our own kids, none together.

He moved into the house I was living in at the time, since then, I sold the house and bought somewhere bigger where we all had our own space. It is solely in my name and I purchased it on my own and I pay for everything to do with its maintenance/upkeep.

Dp still owns a house with his ex where she lives. She was meant to have sold it by now but doesn't want to (kids have left home etc.). I'm not involved in that. He pays part of the mortgage on that house.

This weekend we were talking about the house and dp mentioned he had paid for something and I said I would refund him. He said why would you do that, it's our house. I said but it isn't actually, it's my house. I said you have a house. This may be your home but it's actually legally my house.

He's now really upset. Said I'm being incredibly nasty and he feels really shit. When we went to bed, I saw he had tears in his eyes. I tried to clear the air but he didn't want to hear it but I'm going to today.

I don't think I'm wrong. We have no kids together. If I die, everything goes to my kids, I've always been clear about that and although we don't have a co habitation agreement, he has (legally) acknowledged that he has no claim on me/my estate if I did die.

I don't think, just because he's moved in with me, that he has any rights to say it's his house or our house in any way. Happy for it to be our home.

Was I a bitch because he seems to be implying that I'm incredibly cruel and unfair?

OP posts:
SamphiretheTervosaurReturneth · 25/06/2023 08:35

He's in a snit because the woman who supports him, his ex and his kids reminded him that he has no dibs on her house?

He's a charmer isn't he?

That might actually be a nail in the relationship coffin for me. Maybe 2 or 3.

Zippedydoo123 · 25/06/2023 08:36

You need to take legal advice op. I knew somebody with a private school background she owned her house a new man moved in (father of her 3 children walked out years ago and all children were working and had moved out long since). She was advised to charge him rent and give him a special tenancy agreement to. sign. Go and see a red hot solicitor sharpish as this should have been done years ago op. Good luck.

STARCATCHER22 · 25/06/2023 08:36

yadeciN · 25/06/2023 08:31

Not necessarily. 50/50 is starting point but it can mean nothing and judge can decide it's fairer to leave with what they came with.
It depends on things like lenght if marriage, agreements between parties (pre nups re not legally enforceable in UK), whether one was put in disadvantaged position etc.
I would say there is a good chance DH would walk away with his assets and that's it.

Show quote history

You might think there’s a strong change he would only walk away with the assets that he came with but you can’t guarantee that. It’s much safer to assume that it would be split 50:50 than to give advice online that might lead to someone losing half (or any of their property).

If it was that likely that he would walk away with only what he brought to the marriage, there wouldn’t be so many posts encouraging women to marry a man if he owns a house and she doesn’t…

Chowtime · 25/06/2023 08:36

Are you able to tell us what it was he paid for and how much it was? It would give a bit more perspective

J0S · 25/06/2023 08:36

Lots of posters are saying “ it would be the same if it was a woman living in a man’s house “. However most of the posts I’ve read on MN are NOT the same as this at all.

usually the woman doesn’t own another house elsewhere with her ex

usually the woman pays half of all the bills on the house she’s living in , even if she earns less and sometimes even when she is on maternity leave with THEIR baby

often the woman works less hours / earns less / has lower savings / pension in order to care for THEIR children and do the housework and wifework for HIM

usually they have been together for a lot longer than 5 years

Thats really not the same as a couple who got together in their 50s who have no joint children and where one is 100% financially supporting the other. The op says nothing about him being part time so he can do all the housework, for example.

FOJN · 25/06/2023 08:37

He's manipulating you.

I've never mentioned paying for something when I've lived with someone unless it's to let them know they don't need to do it. He wanted you to reimburse him and wasn't expecting to be reminded about who owns the house so now he's trying to make you feel guilty.

I'd be so annoyed about a partner behaving this way if I was effectively subsidising their life because they were paying someone else's mortgage.

Tell him to get a grip.

TheCrystalPalace · 25/06/2023 08:39

Ask him if the house he jointly owns with his ex is also yours.
No?
Job done.

pollykitty · 25/06/2023 08:39

Sounds like your house to me, you set a boundary and your DP doesn’t like it. A lot of people cannot handle truth.

StGuffersOfTheVillage · 25/06/2023 08:42

OP, my parents live with me (they have little money and disabilities) in a house I paid for and own.

Background, just to illustrate I kinda know where you are coming from.

I phrase these things around fairness to them. So, if there is something structural the house needs - or something that might help maintain or increase it's value - I might phrase it like "I will pay for this because I don't think it's fair to you. I'll get paid back if and when I come to sell the house". That way, I don't have to keep saying 'it's my house' but it's clear I am paying the bills because it is.

If it's stuff related to general wear and tear then we normally split it. They don't pay rent so, in my mind, help with these kind of bills is in lieu of rent.

However, I agree with others about getting legal advice in relation to your cirtcumstance. For your protection and in relation to your will and leaving the house, unincumbered, to your children.

Blinky21 · 25/06/2023 08:42

Seems fair to me if he's living in your home and not contributing while maintaining a house with his Ex

Fraaahnces · 25/06/2023 08:42

What a shithead! He’s doing Bambi eyes because you hurt his feels by spelling things out when he lives at your house for free! He is absolutely capable of forcing sale of HIS house and having a shitload of money. I think you should reiterate that he is in this position because he has CHOSEN to be, and is relying on your fucking charity to remain in the position to keep it going. I’m afraid he’s a cocklodger extraordinaire.

yadeciN · 25/06/2023 08:42

STARCATCHER22 · 25/06/2023 08:36

You might think there’s a strong change he would only walk away with the assets that he came with but you can’t guarantee that. It’s much safer to assume that it would be split 50:50 than to give advice online that might lead to someone losing half (or any of their property).

If it was that likely that he would walk away with only what he brought to the marriage, there wouldn’t be so many posts encouraging women to marry a man if he owns a house and she doesn’t…

Show quote history

The encouragement comes when they have or want to have kida and decide to be sahms etc.
A woman marrying a man going on about her career without any hiccups would not get as much as a woman who was a sahm for 5 years. 50/50 is a starting point, not a rule.

Artoodeetoo · 25/06/2023 08:43

You sound very sensible OP and nope you weren't unreasonable at all! So many women let men take advantage of them it's sad.

maranella · 25/06/2023 08:44

The problem OP is that we live in a post-fact world. Now, people's feelings are far more important than reality. You have committed the cardinal sin of speaking the truth. Off to woke jail you go! But you're still right - it IS you house Grin

Gettingbysomehow · 25/06/2023 08:46

He is going to have to grow a thicker skin and be realistic. The house is yours and goes to your children when you die. He has to understand that. I certainly wouldn't get married. Your children are more important than him. And should be your only concern.

JonahAndTheSnail · 25/06/2023 08:48

I could understand him initially being taken off guard if he spends a lot of time at your house and it feels like his home. The sulking is a potential red flag though if you've been upfront about not wanting to get married or sell your house and buy somewhere with him.

Pubgardener · 25/06/2023 08:49

You are completely in the right and you should correct him. It isn’t unreasonable to assume that a man who already has gone through one breakup involving property has a vague idea of how these things work- including that financially contributing allied over time another party to accumulate some interest. You would be mad to think he doesn’t know this.

I would just send him the money and on any household expenses like this in the future I would send him the money back without even mentioning it.

I would also speak to a solicitor just to make sure that you are not drifting into s situation where he might have a claim.

quite frankly this man seems to have fallen on his feet-you mention that he couldn’t afford to pay you more because of his existing financial commitments- you have taken a lot of the financial load off of him- that he should be trying to make you feel guilty doesn’t sit right with me at all.

1970X · 25/06/2023 08:51

He’d have to sell his house if he didn’t live with you (rent free) so perhaps he needs to think long and hard as to why he’s upset.

EnterSandwoman · 25/06/2023 08:57

So would he say you own half of his house? No? There it is.

And what on earth would he do if you weren't around to fund his living costs?

He'd have had to tidy up his financial mess with the ex years ago - the fact you're allowing him to avoid facing that sounds both unacknowledged and unappreciated by him.

Personally I'd get myself to a lawyer to draw up a tenancy/rental agreement just so it is absolutely legally clear how he could be removed if you die. I see massive issues if he decides to be an entitled arse when you're gone...

LadyBug2022 · 25/06/2023 08:57

I would defo go back to solicitors and check the legal arrangements. Solicitors can make mistakes, get another opinion, make sure the law hasnt changed. Maybe firm things up.

This is the sort of thing that if left can result in huge problems later.
You dont have to tell him you are seeing a solicitor.
Crying over a legal situation, hmmm?
Dont put it off - see a solicitor

LadyBird1973 · 25/06/2023 08:58

@Daisiesandprimroses her words were that it is his home, but not his house - her actions made it clear that it's neither!

Beautiful3 · 25/06/2023 08:59

You were right, it's your house, not his. It was a strange thing for him to say. Is he trying to guilt trip you into putting his name on it? Please don't ever do that.

SoShallINever · 25/06/2023 09:00

I wouldn't be with a man who was paying his ex wife's mortgage for her. He is an idiot for doing that. They need to sell that so he has some money behind him to bail him out should his relationship with you, end.
I think he was so upset by your "it's my house" remark, because he does indeed see your house as his. It's good that you have some legal protection in place.

Chopchopbusybusyworkwork · 25/06/2023 09:01

Are you certain that he is still paying towards the mortgage with his ex?

IncompleteSenten · 25/06/2023 09:02

If he was only telling you what he'd paid for so you would pay him back, he wouldn't have said "why would you", when you replied you'd reimburse him, surely?

If you've got it all completely legally sorted so he has no right to your property then does it really matter if he says house instead of home?