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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask my partner for help with debts

201 replies

Justanotherfalsealarm · 25/06/2023 05:15

I met my partner just before Covid. I lived in a different city to him, but my ex husband works in the city in which my partner lives. My partner wanted to live with me, but I had to move city- to partner’s city, with my children. I tried to engage wit ex husband over this, long story short, he went to court for full custody of my children- he didn’t get it, the judge felt that a move of cities was positive for my children and I in terms of better schools for them and prospects for me.

The legal fees cost me around £20k….. I paid a lot on my own, selling my car, etc, the rest £12k I put onto an interest free credit card. I have been slowly whittling this away- it’s now at £10k.

Last summer, my partner and I took out a joint credit card- or rather I took the card and he’s named on it. It has an interest free balance of £9k.

the problem is that I am now overstretched, so when I came to balance transfer my original card, I couldn’t! 😱 I DID have very good credit! I’m now left in the situation where I will have to find hundreds of pounds every month to pay this card. So I asked my partner to take on the debt of the £9k card. He’s gone ballistic at me, saying that it’s unreasonable that he should take on my debts, etc.

Folks, AIBU? What are your thoughts? Please don’t be too harsh with me. 😣

OP posts:
MrsKwazi · 25/06/2023 05:17

Who spent the 9k, and on what?

GabriellaMontez · 25/06/2023 05:18

Why is he named on it?

yogasaurus · 25/06/2023 05:19

Is the £9k card maxed out as well as the £12k which is now £10k?

I don’t see what he should take on any of your debt, on the face of it.

Also a bit sad for your ex who had his DC moved away so you could move in with a new partner

Original poster
Justanotherfalsealarm · 25/06/2023 05:27

The card with £9k has been used by both of us.

my ex husband has always worked in the city that I moved to- he has an excellent, highly paid job. He had commuted for 2-3 hours per day for years to this job. He has now moved into a house next to his job and walks 5 minutes to his job. It wasn’t really about my moving, it was about exercising control.

OP posts:
ProfessorXtra · 25/06/2023 05:31

You want him to take on the whole 9k debt. Surely you both should be taking your own part on.

So if you both spent 4.5k each then you both pay half of payments.

How are household bills usually split? Who earns more etc?

Original poster
Justanotherfalsealarm · 25/06/2023 05:33

Sorry, maybe it’s not clear? I’m asking him to take over our joint credit card, which happens to be in my name, as cards can only be in one person’s name, so that I can balance transfer my own debt. I wish I hadn’t taken the card out - I wish that he had taken it in his name from the start, then I wouldn’t have this problem . I suspect that there would have been more sensible spending on his part then as well?

OP posts:
ProfessorXtra · 25/06/2023 05:35

Justanotherfalsealarm · 25/06/2023 05:33

Sorry, maybe it’s not clear? I’m asking him to take over our joint credit card, which happens to be in my name, as cards can only be in one person’s name, so that I can balance transfer my own debt. I wish I hadn’t taken the card out - I wish that he had taken it in his name from the start, then I wouldn’t have this problem . I suspect that there would have been more sensible spending on his part then as well?

If you really think he has spent 4.5l and isn’t fussed about consequences because it’s your name, then why are you with him?

Thats not something. A good partner does.

MrsKwazi · 25/06/2023 05:36

So last summer you got the card.
This is in your name so you are ultimately responsible!
You (two) have spent 9k in a year on …?
Do you live together?

UndercoverCop · 25/06/2023 05:36

Why on earth have you accrued another 9k of debt when you already owed 10k?

yogasaurus · 25/06/2023 05:40

He can’t take it over, it isn’t ‘joint’. He could make the payments for you but he can’t transfer it into his name.

Also, your credit score wouldn’t magically improve overnight, even if he could. You are not likely to be given another new card with a £10k limit anywhere when you’ve accumulated £19k of CC debt in two years.

I’d contact citizens advice if you really cannot meet the repayments.

Original poster
Justanotherfalsealarm · 25/06/2023 05:40

Thanks folks for messages. He wanted to go on holiday last summer- so probs 1.5k on that. We’re renovating our flat, so probably another £5k… 🤷🏻‍♀️

we live together and would continue to pay it back together- I just wanted to move the name responsible for the credit.

OP posts:
Overthebow · 25/06/2023 05:41

what did you spend another £9k on?

Overthebow · 25/06/2023 05:42

I’m really confused as to why you’d want another credit card after already having £10k of debt. surely you pay that first before getting more.

MrsKwazi · 25/06/2023 05:43

‘our flat’
Who does the flat belong to?
That person pays for renovations as it improves their asset. Of both names on the deeds then reno coats are 50/50.

Original poster
Justanotherfalsealarm · 25/06/2023 05:44

So, I asked him to take a loan, to pay back the card, which means that the debt will be paid each month and the card not reused all the time.

I suppose in the main the money on the card was used for renovating our flat. We’re not massive, flashy spenders at all.

OP posts:
Original poster
Justanotherfalsealarm · 25/06/2023 05:46

I would want to balance transfer onto another interest free credit card. I absolutely don’t want any more debt.

OP posts:
yogasaurus · 25/06/2023 05:48

Justanotherfalsealarm · 25/06/2023 05:46

I would want to balance transfer onto another interest free credit card. I absolutely don’t want any more debt.

You are not likely to be approved one if you’ve been turned down recently.

Also if you have joint accounts, your credit score is linked now.

Overthebow · 25/06/2023 05:49

Don’t take out another loan between you! Come up with a plan to pay a decent amount off your existing cards each month.

takemetothespace · 25/06/2023 05:50

Credit card is good at building credit history and destroys credit history if it's used excessively with large balances left on. Whoever is reading the thread, for bigger purchases like renovations etc put it on personal loan

WilkinsonM · 25/06/2023 05:51

Who owns the flat?
using credit cards to do home improvements is an awful awful idea. Whose idea was it? Is he bad with money?
It's not his responsibility that you spent £20k moving your kids to where he lives. You don't seem like much of a partnership though.

MrsKwazi · 25/06/2023 05:52

Well whichever way you dress it up, bottom line is you have 19k of credit card debt.

That is A LOT. The interest on that is crazy.

Since it’s in your name, it’s your responsibility. You can ask him to make contributions to get it down but he doesn’t have to. That tells you a lot about him and the way he views your relationship by the way.

Debt consolidation loan?

MrsKwazi · 25/06/2023 05:53

Who owns the flat? You haven’t said.

Please don’t say you’ve done renovations on a rented flat…

Rainbowqueeen · 25/06/2023 05:54

Who owns the flat is crucial info

i think you need sone professional advice. Can you get in touch with stepchange??

yogasaurus · 25/06/2023 05:59

MrsKwazi · 25/06/2023 05:53

Who owns the flat? You haven’t said.

Please don’t say you’ve done renovations on a rented flat…

Or a flat he owns…

Jazzappledelish · 25/06/2023 06:18

You moved cities with your children to be with your partner?

FFS

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