AIBU to ask my partner for help with debts

[Justanotherfalsealarm]

I met my partner just before Covid. I lived in a different city to him, but my ex husband works in the city in which my partner lives. My partner wanted to live with me, but I had to move city- to partner’s city, with my children. I tried to engage wit ex husband over this, long story short, he went to court for full custody of my children- he didn’t get it, the judge felt that a move of cities was positive for my children and I in terms of better schools for them and prospects for me.

The legal fees cost me around £20k….. I paid a lot on my own, selling my car, etc, the rest £12k I put onto an interest free credit card. I have been slowly whittling this away- it’s now at £10k.

Last summer, my partner and I took out a joint credit card- or rather I took the card and he’s named on it. It has an interest free balance of £9k.

the problem is that I am now overstretched, so when I came to balance transfer my original card, I couldn’t! 😱 I DID have very good credit! I’m now left in the situation where I will have to find hundreds of pounds every month to pay this card. So I asked my partner to take on the debt of the £9k card. He’s gone ballistic at me, saying that it’s unreasonable that he should take on my debts, etc.

Folks, AIBU? What are your thoughts? Please don’t be too harsh with me. 😣

Op, regardless of who pays what, stop spending on non-essentials.

You don't need to go on holiday, you don't need to renovate the flat. It will all wait until your debts are paid.

And cancel your partner's card so he cannot spend any more on your credit.

so you met just before covid, so 2019? 2020?

so that must have really put the brakes on the relationship progressing

and here we are in 2023 and you already moved your children to the city your new partner lives in and blew all your savings to do so.

Well yes, why in the world would you put £1.5k on a credit card for a holiday when you’ve already got a huge credit card debt? Pay off the debt first.

And if your partner kicks off about cutting back on spending, you need to get rid of him. Even if he can't support you in paying off the debts, he should at least support you in paying them off yourself.

So who owns the flat.

Was 5k really needed when you already have that debt.

That and the holiday is 6.5k, where is the rest of the money?

You seem to be leaving out quite a bit of info around you general finances. Like does he have kids, who earns what, how are bills split etc

Who owns the flat?
Did you not get free legal advice if you were a single mother?
How did you rack up £20K on a divorce?

I think you need to rethink your relationships - get a better job or an additional job and work through your ideas on financial management.

@Probationnotontarget

Single mothers get free legal advice??
The OP’s divorce debt was 12k which she paid down to 10k.

In your position I would:

• cancel his card on the cc in your name
• cut up both your credit cards so that you can’t spend on them
• seriously look at your spending to cut out anything non essential and aim to pay 1k off them each month, starting with the one with the highest interest

I asked him to take a loan, to pay back the card, which means that the debt will be paid each month and the card not reused all the time.
Nobody forces you to keep adding to the debt on the card - stop using it and use the money you'd pay off a loan with to pay the CC debt instead.

Please don’t tell me you’ve accrued more debt on renovating a flat not in your name.

Your current partner sounds like a charmer. 😤 You got a card with his help to assist you to pay down your cc bill and by the sound of it he’s taken the opportunity or encouraged you to max it out.

Bottom line, unfortunately now you’re in 19k of debt.

I think I understand. You need him to take it on so you can then free up your own credit sufficiently to get another interest free credit card for your own £10k debt is that right? When you came to try to get a new credit card to do a 0% balance transfer your credit rating had gone down so you needed him to help you free up credit.

I think I would definitely do this for my husband , especially given how you ended up paying so much in legal fees to defend a decision to relocate that the judge agreed was a good one. However, I think what this shows is that your partner doesn't see the relationship in the same way as a marriage in terms of commitment. Perhaps he's a more casual view of it, or wants to be able to walk away or sees you as two indepe people?

You should never have named him on a credit card. That was far too trusting for a relatively new relationship!

Sorry your husband was horrible about the move and cost you so much. It's a shame he wasn't ordered to pay your costs.

I think you made a huge mistake by taking the "joint" card in your name only if it's also used for joint/his expenses - the debt isn't joint as all, it's yours. He is totally right to refuse to make the same mistake!

A reasonable compromise would be for him to get his own CC and agree to a balance transfer of his part of the debt. I would do this ASAP.

It might not help you for a balance transfer right now, but it will lighten the debt in your name.

I don’t get the moving thing. You wanted to move yourself and your children to your partner’s city where your ex also happens to live, but your ex took you to court to stop you moving and then you were allowed to move anyway? What have I missed?

If you’re in lots of debt taking on more for a holiday seems daft.

Why on earth are you spending 5k renovating when you are already in so much debt?!

You moved to a city that your ex lives and works in so presumably your kids see ex a lot. Ex is on a good salary - is he contributing to the children's upkeep? Given the increased COL, is ex able to pay any more (not £9k more, just enough to properly cover the children so you don't skid further into debt)

I think you are being a bit unreasonable as a holiday is a luxury, not essential, so it was daft to have one and put it on a credit card with no thought as to how this would be covered at a future date.

If roles were reversed and you were saying your boyfriend was asking you to take on £9k of debt, the comments would all be saying don't do it. It is totally understandable that he wouldn't want to do this, but... He is being unreasonable if he went "ballistic" about being asked, rather than just saying no.

Who owns the property? Obviously it is unreasonable if he has been paying for renovations to his property with your credit card.

Cut up the credit card and cut back everything you can until the debt has gone.

Where should she have got free legal advice from?!

Are you asking for "help" or are you asking for him to take on the whole £9k debt?

Ask him to open a credit card and transfer half of the debt (or whatever seems fair depending on what each of you spent) so the debt is in each of your names, not just on you.

Both pay off what you are responsible for seems reasonable, but to transfer the whole £9k to his name seems a big ask.

The ex works in that city but doesn't live there.

I think the first step must be to have a plan as to how you will pay down the debt. As others have said, no holidays, no frivolous expenses. Then seek financial advice as credit cards are the most expensive form of borrowing.

It’s not his job to take on your debt. You aren’t married so that would be weird.

Can you get it put into a loan? If not, speak to CAB about getting it frozen and paying it off slowly. It will impact your credit rating for a bit, but if you’ve bought a flat with your partner you presumably don’t need to do anything major for a while.

Get some advice, but shunting it onto him, is going to hinder rather than help.

You also need to talk to him about what you can afford. If he wants to do expensive holidays and flat renovations and you can’t afford them, you need to take responsibility and say no. He should also have his own credit card for expenses like this.

I'd be seeking debt advice as you seem to be getting in deeper over time.

CAB

CAB give free advice to anyone, not just single parents and it's not effective legal advice! For a case she spent £20k on do you really think CAB would be the right option for her? Or do you mean legal advice in relation to this credit card debt? Not sure what she would need legal advice for on that subject TBH unless she's borrowed money to renovate someone else's flat in which case she'll need more than CAB

Honesty the things some women do for random men they get together with after 2 minutes. Uproot the kids, call them partners after 5 minutes & move in together after 6 minutes & then complain when things go wrong.

I dont think this is a debt problem, I think its a partner problem. Happy to let you take on credit to do up the flat then doesn't want to pay for any of it.