AIBU to ask my partner for help with debts

[Justanotherfalsealarm]

I met my partner just before Covid. I lived in a different city to him, but my ex husband works in the city in which my partner lives. My partner wanted to live with me, but I had to move city- to partner’s city, with my children. I tried to engage wit ex husband over this, long story short, he went to court for full custody of my children- he didn’t get it, the judge felt that a move of cities was positive for my children and I in terms of better schools for them and prospects for me.

The legal fees cost me around £20k….. I paid a lot on my own, selling my car, etc, the rest £12k I put onto an interest free credit card. I have been slowly whittling this away- it’s now at £10k.

Last summer, my partner and I took out a joint credit card- or rather I took the card and he’s named on it. It has an interest free balance of £9k.

the problem is that I am now overstretched, so when I came to balance transfer my original card, I couldn’t! 😱 I DID have very good credit! I’m now left in the situation where I will have to find hundreds of pounds every month to pay this card. So I asked my partner to take on the debt of the £9k card. He’s gone ballistic at me, saying that it’s unreasonable that he should take on my debts, etc.

Folks, AIBU? What are your thoughts? Please don’t be too harsh with me. 😣

Then the joint card needs paying down 50/50 if it was spent on you both equally.

But you did, by putting the costs on a cc with your name as lead. You could not afford the holiday or renovations if you put on cc and have been unable to clear the balance over time. Do you still have 12k of the other debt. Taking out a loan to clear it is never a long term solution, you need to address the spending pattern.

Are people missing the part where the OP spent £20k on legal fees so that she and her partner could live together?

What about the other 2.5k? That's a lot of money.

Are you both paying the credit card debt off? (As you both accrued it)

Sorry another question. I'm trying to think of the best solution for you. Has all spending on the new card now stopped?

No but I'm focusing on the solutions

I did this for my partner at the time, we were moving in together at the time and he was earning plenty to make the payments on debt he’d accrued (home improvement loan, credit card etc), the problem was he was paying so much in interest he couldn’t make a dent in the debt, then he couldn’t get an interest free card as he was too deep in.

I transferred some to one of mine (I have 4 cards with zero balances but approx £27k between them in available credit) after 6 months he was able to get a zero interest credit card of his own, it was amazing how quick he could clear the debt he has once he wasn’t being shafted for interest every month, it took about 2 years to completely clear £14k

OP he should transferring half that £9k to a card in his own name, you were extremely silly to max out your credit, knowing your balance offer would come to an end on your original debt, but if he at least took half, you could transfer about £4K of your £10k and you’ll just have to struggle with the interest on the rest until you can further your credit (assuming you can). He should very much be up for helping you with that £9k if he was a long term partner and it’s a jointly accrued debt.

did he know about your original £10k debt or is he just learning about it now, I’d be angry if a partner kept that from me.

When someone is named on a credit card they are not legally responsible for that credit card. The primary card applicant is the one responsible.

I read it as though that £20k was legal fees fighting a custody battle that her exH instigated?

You need to cut up all the cards and sit down for an honest chat to review budgets, agree how the joint 9k debt (legally in your name op) will be repaid. And you'll need to figure out your 10k personal debt in those calculations.

Tbh op it doesn't sound great. You've got yourself into a new relationship after a messy expensive divorce, linked financially with a new boyfriend, spent £££s you don't have on discretion spending like renovations and holiday, without him legally being liable for a penny.

You need to listen to what he tells you very, very carefully when you sit down and talk about this with him.

Any attempt to guilt trip you for trying to have an adult conversation about budgets, or shirking his behaviour in renovations etc (personally I think you've both been stupid but at least you recognise it maybe?)... You need to think long and hard about if he really is a life partner.

And for fucks sake, get contraception sorted. And think about how and why you've uprooted DC and put your whole financial security in the hands of such a new boyfriend so quickly.

But day 1 today, cut up the cards, all of them, and remove him from spending any further. Getting more debt or loans or credit cards is just letting you bury your head in the sand for longer.

It's probably a good thing that the credit was refused as you might have got to this point in 2-3years with even more debt in your name. Talk about a 2nd car crash relationship after that divorce! But you can change. Good luck!

Ah yes I think you're right. And then he moved anyway! What a prick

asking him to take over our joint credit card, which happens to be in my name

But op.. you don't seem to know how things work?!

Just because someone has authority to spend on a card as a 2nd card holder, they are not liable for the debt. YOU are as the account holder!!!!

Did you not understand this when you were putting the holidays and renovation work on it?

He has £0 to lose here, while you are risking your DC's future! Argh.

The legal fees cost me around £20k….. I paid a lot on my own, selling my car, etc, the rest £12k I put onto an interest free credit card. I have been slowly whittling this away- it’s now at £10k.
Unavoidable clearly

Last summer, my partner and I took out a joint credit card- or rather I took the card and he’s named on it. It has an interest free balance of £9k.
In 2 words, fucking stupid! Why and how have you managed to spend £9k plus in 3? years?????

You now owe £19k, so you're going to have to sort it out. If he doesnt want to help out, you're on your own

I just think it's odd that the OP has taken on significant financial, legal and personal risk for the benefit of her partner and their relationship and he doesn't appear to have done the same for the OP in return and yet most posters are ignoring this and telling her she is being unreasonable.

More questions sorry - do you have a mortgage? When's that up for renewal? I think you might have to stick with current lender as your affordability rating will be incredibly poor.

Could you move to a cheaper property?

I tried to engage wit ex husband over this, long story short, he went to court for full custody of my children- he didn’t get it, the judge felt that a move of cities was positive for my children and I in terms of better schools for them and prospects for me.

The legal fees cost me around £20k….. I paid a lot on my own, selling my car, etc, the rest £12k I put onto an interest free credit card. I have been slowly whittling this away- it’s now at £10k.

No - OP spent £20k on legal fees to retain custody of her dc.

My partner wanted to live with me, but I had to move city- to partner’s city, with my children.
Partner wanted to live with OP where she was, but she moved (I'm not saying she was wrong in any way of course)

I think I got the wrong end of the stick - she was fighting a custody case her ex raised. I don't think there's much choice there

‘You’re robbing Peter to pay Paul,’ I’ve never heard of that saying before I’m literally like 🤯🤯🤯

So true though! I’ll certainly be using that saying in future

Ah so you didn’t want the holiday? Refused and he put it on the card in his name?

He absolutely should be taking on his half of the debt.

I can’t see a reason he should take responsibility for it all.

Perhaps she could confirm but what I got from her OP is that her ex husband went for full custody in response to her wanting to move cities to live with her partner.

I also don't understand this:

"My partner wanted to live with me, but I had to move city- to partner’s city, with my children"

to mean that her partner was willing to move to where she and her children lived.

If I have understood correctly, her partner is basically the main reason she doesn't have £20k in her bank account.

Did you consent to him using a card to pay for a holiday? And doing up a flat? You clearly weren't in a position to afford that.

OP is your new partner at least in agreement that he MUST take on 4.5k of the “new” 9k debt into his own name? If not, what’s his logic there?

If he doesn’t agree then I would genuinely be looking around the house for anything purchased with that 9k to sell to pay as much of his 4.5k off.

so the £9k debt was completely joint.

No, no, no.

Legally the debt is 100% yours.

He could leave you today and he walks away with zero debt and presumably 50% of the (improved flat's) sale price.

So he'd leave the relationship with profit.

You'll leave with tens of thousands of debt and no savings.

This is why posters are concerned op. Your reaction (get him to pay the credit card bill, take on more debt) is ridiculous. You need a real joint solution which he's actually committed to.

Anyone else guessing that this new boyfriend will be gone for dust before long?

If her partner was willing to move to her and The op insisted on moving to him, I don’t see how the sort we would be responsible for the legal fees debt.