AIBU to ask my partner for help with debts

[Justanotherfalsealarm]

I met my partner just before Covid. I lived in a different city to him, but my ex husband works in the city in which my partner lives. My partner wanted to live with me, but I had to move city- to partner’s city, with my children. I tried to engage wit ex husband over this, long story short, he went to court for full custody of my children- he didn’t get it, the judge felt that a move of cities was positive for my children and I in terms of better schools for them and prospects for me.

The legal fees cost me around £20k….. I paid a lot on my own, selling my car, etc, the rest £12k I put onto an interest free credit card. I have been slowly whittling this away- it’s now at £10k.

Last summer, my partner and I took out a joint credit card- or rather I took the card and he’s named on it. It has an interest free balance of £9k.

the problem is that I am now overstretched, so when I came to balance transfer my original card, I couldn’t! 😱 I DID have very good credit! I’m now left in the situation where I will have to find hundreds of pounds every month to pay this card. So I asked my partner to take on the debt of the £9k card. He’s gone ballistic at me, saying that it’s unreasonable that he should take on my debts, etc.

Folks, AIBU? What are your thoughts? Please don’t be too harsh with me. 😣

You have been so naive and irresponsible. Stop all non essential purchases and live as frugally as you can until the debt is repaid. You cannot allow it to spiral out of control any more.

This is what I was thinking too.

I know it’s too late now but if the op had just stayed where she was with her kids she would have had money in the bank, no debt and she would have been able to provide her kids with a better life. Instead she chose to please a man and jeopardise her kids future.

This is a great question

Why would it be less weird if they were married?! Relationships don’t always need a piece of paper to be meaningful.

But that is taking on more debt. You already can’t afford the debts that you have. In a short space of time you fritted away £9k on a holiday and making your flat look nice for your new boyfriend.

The whole part about the ex and where he works and lives is irrelevant. In just over three years you’ve spent £21k that you can’t afford. Taking out another credit card won’t solve that. No wonder your boyfriend doesn’t want to do this. It’s destined to fail. You’re robbing Peter to pay Paul. If you even get approved, which I doubt.

You are being beyond unreasonable.

I’m really struggling to understand why your new partner was so happy to let you get into £9000 more debt. That’s not what a good partner does.

Who owns the flat you are renovating? This is really crucial information.

Hahahahahahahahaha

Single mothers do NOT get free legal advice!!!!!

It is VERY easy to rack up £20k on a divorce, especially one where one party disputes everything and the other wants to move the kids 2-3 hours away.

Bottom line, op, is that you now owe £19k on unconsolidated debt. You really do need to rethink your spending habits, even if you are not 'flashy spenders'. You couldn't afford a holiday or home renovations up front, so took on credit card debt that has bonkers interest rates and you're now paying the cost of that. This is the epitome of flashy spending.

If he is refusing to share the burden of your joint debt (the £9k) then I would be seriously reconsidering the relationship and figure out a way to leave. £9k would be the literal cost of that. You need to speak to the credit card companies - they do have a duty to support you if you are struggling to make the repayments. In the meantime cut up the cards. Speak to someone about debt management and consolidating your debt to get a lower interest rate. I think you'll be snookered when applying for other zero rate cards as you've bot been able to manage your existing debt.

You sound like you're taking no responsibility for things happening to you. You wish you hadn't taken the card out, you wish DP had taken the card out in his name, you say he wanted the £1.5k holiday, you want him to take a loan out, you've spend £££ on renovating your flat... Just stop and get some help. Your debts aren't his problem. Your spending is your problem and you need to not just keep moving the debt around, but to stop this myopic adding to it.

Don't go on holiday and renovate a flat when you can't afford it. I'm not saying you have to live on bread and water but you're going too far the other way and abnegating responsibility for this onto your partner. You say what you spend the money on and don't spend it on non-essential expensive things. It's not rocket science. As for this card, it's in your name so cut it up and don't you or him spend anything else on it. Get your debts in order - your debts. He should pay off his half or however he's spent but no way should he be taking on yours. You're not married and he's not in it for the hard times, rely on yourself.

I can see why he wouldn’t want to do it, but I don’t think he should have gone “ballistic.” He doesn’t sound very nice.

In your position I would-
speak to banks (first your own bank) to see if you could consolidate the two credit card debts into a loan,
stop renovations unless essential,
stop spending on non-essentials, sorry but no way would I have gone on an expensive holiday if I knew I had credit card debt,
consider a few evening/ weekend shifts to up your income so you can pay the loan off more quickly.

If you’re in a partnership you do need to discuss with your partner, and if it were me I’d be offering to help out. But at the very least he needs to be on board with the plan.

We’re not massive, flashy spenders at all. you are. You've spent more than your means. Plus 1.5k on a holiday! That's a months wages for a lot of people. Wind your spending in and tackle it as a team. Your spending is your problem his spending is his problem. Pay it off.

And your legal fees are your problem sorry.

I’m really struggling to understand why your new partner was so happy to let you get into £9000 more debt. That’s not what a good partner does.

True but again it's passing the buck to him. OP was happy to let herself get into £9k more debt. He's her partner not her IFA. If she doesn't sort it out, it's not on him to police her spending, and presumably she's picked someone who doesn't bend her ear about spending less because she likes being with him. Not saying he's a catch, but she has to take responsibility at some point.

Did you even read the thread? He doesn’t want to pay for ALL of it, I’m sure he’s fine paying his half.

You paid £20k in legal fees to be able to move you and your children to a new city?! Couldn’t you have moved when they were older? And you have continued to spend money on a holiday and renovation.

Sorry op but it seems like a big mess and I don’t like the sound of your partner either.

https://www.moneysavingexpert.com/

Get on the Martin Lewis site and work out a plan to clear your debt. Both of you should be equally responsible for the £9k debt so half of it is more affordable to pay off.

1. Look at your budget
2. Make cheaper swaps for everything from phones to groceries
3. Sell anything luxurious & or unwanted
4. Cut out eating out, holidays & trips for a year
5. All savings from above should be put towards the debt
6. Cut existing cards & don't take out another card

Interest rates on loans are still reasonable OP.

• Take out a loan for home improvement - set the monthly payment at a level you can afford. If they home is jointly owned, take it out in joint names.
• Clear your original credit card if the flat is in your name. Make sure your partner is paying his fair share on the other card. This was an error imo. You are the card holder, her has no responsibility to pay the card off. That's on you. or
• Clear the 9K credit card if the flat is in joint names.

Do not get another card.

You are getting yourself in a mess thinking zero interest credit cards are the way to go here. They're not. You have a lot of debt, and that's why you can't get another credit card.

A few £ on interest won't kill you but more credit card debt will affect your ability to get credit for years and that includes car finance, mortgages etc.

This isn’t always the best advice, if done correctly interest free credit cards are a good way of clearing debt by keeping interest payments down but it has to be used EXTREMELY sensibly, you ideally need to have double the credit you actually need so you can move your balance at the end of the term.. if you max out it’s a terrible way of tackling debt.

There is a disconnect here. He seems to think they are your debts. You say they are joint and the majority was renovations and holiday. Were these the total renovation and holiday costs or your 50 percent?

You absolutely need specialist debt advice, OP, and soon. Some CAB's have debt specialists who have the necessary qualifications and accreditation to deal with complex cases, but if there isn't one in your area I would recommend Step Change.

You really need to get a handle on this. There are some very knowledgeable and helpful people on the "Money Matters" section on here, and some good advice on Martin Lewis' website.

And you need to stop spending money you haven't got! Work out a budget, and stick to it. No treats, no holidays, until you've made some inroads into the debt

Also, if your "D"P has spent money on stuff for himself on the card on your account, he needs to start paying for it.

Imo, they're only shared debt if both parties have agreed to the spending.

I know a couple whose relationship totally broke down because one of them would use credit like water on things like holidays, expensive new furniture etc totally unilaterally, and then expect the other partner to pay half the cost.

Other partner quite understandably took exception to paying half the cost of a cruise along the Nile, when they'd have been perfectly happy with a couple of weeks camping in Devon.

Hi, so the £9k debt was completely joint. I didn’t spend anything personally on it. He wanted to go on holiday and booked it using the card.

We both own the flat

What's the deal with the flat - who's is it?

Yeah your debts are not his problem. If a man wanted you to take on his debt we’d all say no too.

Cross posted.

Ok and who pays for the flat - do you both pay equally? What's the job situation- can you get a better paid job? Which debt has the higher interest rate?