Page 8 | AIBU to ask my partner for help with debts

Justanotherfalsealarm · 2023-06-25T04:15:20+00:00

I met my partner just before Covid. I lived in a different city to him, but my ex husband works in the city in which my partner lives. My partner wanted to live with me, but I had to move city- to partner’s city, with my children. I tried to engage wit ex husband over this, long story short, he went to court for full custody of my children- he didn’t get it, the judge felt that a move of cities was positive for my children and I in terms of better schools for them and prospects for me. The legal fees cost me around £20k….. I paid a lot on my own, selling my car, etc, the rest £12k I put onto an interest free credit card. I have been slowly whittling this away- it’s now at £10k. Last summer, my partner and I took out a joint credit card- or rather I took the card and he’s named on it. It has an interest free balance of £9k. the problem is that I am now overstretched, so when I came to balance transfer my original card, I couldn’t! 😱 I DID have very good credit! I’m now left in the situation where I will have to find hundreds of pounds every month to pay this card. So I asked my partner to take on the debt of the £9k card. He’s gone ballistic at me, saying that it’s unreasonable that he should take on my debts, etc. Folks, AIBU? What are your thoughts? Please don’t be too harsh with me. 😣

Original poster

Justanotherfalsealarm · 25/06/2023 14:32

Thanks for this! I didn’t think that moving in with my partner after knowing him for 2 years was so fly by night……

my ex husband is extremely toxic. He had made life very difficult for me in the last city. He has tried to do this in the new city. Social services have had to be involved to review his parenting.

OP posts:

Sharwell45 · 25/06/2023 15:01

Op this was over lockdown. Jointing finances, uprooting your children, making a blended family is a massive financial and emotional rollercoaster. Your kids have been through a lot in a short time and it's no trivial that your own blood family is much worse off because of this relationship, while his is not. It's shocking you can't seem to see it.

No one is saying don't have a boyfriend.

But separate out having a boyfriend with what's in your children's best financial, emotional interests. That doesn't mean getting into £19k debt half spent on frivolous stuff or stuff you can not afford like renovations on an unfit for habitat mushroom house!

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 25/06/2023 15:07

Also, apart from the advice about the debt, I really wouldn’t want to stay with this partner any more.

He knows it’s joint debt “morally” (as in your both agree to and spent the money) but it’s only happy for it to be in your name.

ProfessorXtra · 25/06/2023 15:25

Justanotherfalsealarm · 25/06/2023 14:32

Thanks for this! I didn’t think that moving in with my partner after knowing him for 2 years was so fly by night……

my ex husband is extremely toxic. He had made life very difficult for me in the last city. He has tried to do this in the new city. Social services have had to be involved to review his parenting.

And what happens if you and your partner (who you think purposely got you debt and now washing his hand of it) split.

If you and a partner had to get a flat that had mould in it, because that’s all you could afford. You can’t stay in that area. So where will you move you and your kids to next?

You must have made a plan about what happens to you and your kids if this relationship didn’t work out.

2 years isn’t quick. If the majority of it wasn’t during a pandemic and you didn’t live quite a distance from each other. So many couples that got together just before or during the pandemic won’t see the long term. Because that wasn’t the real world. Once normal life started kicking in, things changed. relationships change.

Jazzappledelish · 25/06/2023 15:28

Justanotherfalsealarm · 25/06/2023 14:32

Thanks for this! I didn’t think that moving in with my partner after knowing him for 2 years was so fly by night……

my ex husband is extremely toxic. He had made life very difficult for me in the last city. He has tried to do this in the new city. Social services have had to be involved to review his parenting.

But most of that 2 years was during covid and lockdown. Actually all of it given you met just before covid

Jazzappledelish · 25/06/2023 15:33

So after 2 years (although presumably the decision was much earlier than the actual move in date of 2 years year
despite:

being long distance
Having children
Oh and a global pandemic meaning lockdowns

you moved your children in with him. In what sounds like an almost derelict property.

and you spent tens of thousands doing so.

op, when this relationship inevitably parts, go slow next time.

Luxell934 · 25/06/2023 15:46

Does he pay his share of the 9k debt currently?
What was the reason he couldn't got the credit card in his name in the first place?
Can he afford to help you pay the debt if you can't?

Original poster

Justanotherfalsealarm · 25/06/2023 15:46

With regards to losing custody of my children, this wasn’t a risk that I was prepared to take. He ruled my life for years and had a very expensive solicitor and was bank rolled by his dad.

OP posts:

ProfessorXtra · 25/06/2023 15:48

Justanotherfalsealarm · 25/06/2023 15:46

With regards to losing custody of my children, this wasn’t a risk that I was prepared to take. He ruled my life for years and had a very expensive solicitor and was bank rolled by his dad.

But you did actually take that risk. You forced a situation into court.

though I have no idea what you are replying to with that comment.

Do you think a judge will side with you again if you need to e atea and the kids school?

Luxell934 · 25/06/2023 16:05

Justanotherfalsealarm · 25/06/2023 15:46

With regards to losing custody of my children, this wasn’t a risk that I was prepared to take. He ruled my life for years and had a very expensive solicitor and was bank rolled by his dad.

Why are you answering questions about your custody of your children which has nothing to do with the 9k debt your new partner has put on you, but you won't answer questions about why the credit card is in your name, does your current partner help pay it off, can he afford to help you pay it???

You seem to just be defending your decisions about being with your current partner, which is all well and good, but not why you started this thread?

Jazzappledelish · 25/06/2023 16:08

Op won’t be back

this situation will deteriorate

eventually break up

the OP will have lost all her savings and be in debt and without a home

sadly - that is the likely reality.

Original poster

Justanotherfalsealarm · 25/06/2023 16:14

Luxell934 · 25/06/2023 16:05

Why are you answering questions about your custody of your children which has nothing to do with the 9k debt your new partner has put on you, but you won't answer questions about why the credit card is in your name, does your current partner help pay it off, can he afford to help you pay it???

You seem to just be defending your decisions about being with your current partner, which is all well and good, but not why you started this thread?

Show quote history

Hi, apologies. I took the card following discussion with my partner, as I had an excellent credit rating. He earns a lot more than me. We jointly pay off the minimum each month on the £9k. He has agreed to transfer the £9k onto a loan in his name, which we will both pay off together from our joint account. I will transfer the 10k onto the interest free credit card and have already cut them up.

OP posts:

darkmodeon · 25/06/2023 16:14

Justanotherfalsealarm · 25/06/2023 14:32

Thanks for this! I didn’t think that moving in with my partner after knowing him for 2 years was so fly by night……

my ex husband is extremely toxic. He had made life very difficult for me in the last city. He has tried to do this in the new city. Social services have had to be involved to review his parenting.

This has nothing to do with your current debt levels. You need to focus on that.

ProfessorXtra · 25/06/2023 16:16

Justanotherfalsealarm · 25/06/2023 16:14

Hi, apologies. I took the card following discussion with my partner, as I had an excellent credit rating. He earns a lot more than me. We jointly pay off the minimum each month on the £9k. He has agreed to transfer the £9k onto a loan in his name, which we will both pay off together from our joint account. I will transfer the 10k onto the interest free credit card and have already cut them up.

Show quote history

Ah so now he has agreed and all is rosey?

That wrapped up neatly! Good luck op

Original poster

Justanotherfalsealarm · 25/06/2023 16:19

Jazzappledelish · 25/06/2023 16:08

Op won’t be back

this situation will deteriorate

eventually break up

the OP will have lost all her savings and be in debt and without a home

sadly - that is the likely reality.

I’m sorry that you feel this way jazzappledish. I’m sorry that my life is such a terrible mess - I was hoping for advice and I have been honest that I have made a mistake. I think that I will soon be on the road to recovery

OP posts:

Jazzappledelish · 25/06/2023 16:29

My advice - when this ends.

Please go slow for your sake and your children

good ouch

Jazzappledelish · 25/06/2023 16:29

Luck

Hibye23289 · 25/06/2023 17:14

@Deathbyfluffy yes I did actually, dis you? She wouldn't be posting if there wasn't an issue with him paying but she said he went mad about it so how about you shutup

garfieldeatscake · 25/06/2023 17:49

I'm surprised you could get a mortgage given the house/ flat sounds like it had some fundamental problems, which most mortgage companies would run away from. Are you on 100% mortgage if you didn't have a deposit? Are you able to keep up your mortgage repayments?
You really need to start living within your means. I don't get why you are so het up on the schooling side of things either, if your kids are academic and motivated they will do well wherever they go to school, if they aren't academic or motivated, then no matter how good the school, they'll still struggle.
Something is a bit off, obviously OP you are only saying what you want us to read, but something isn't adding up, again fair enough, non of us have a right to know what's going on in your life. But with the information you've supplied I'd suggest the following:
Budget and stick to it.
No little 'treats' until you can't afford it. No big spending on the kids, no matter how much you'd like to.
Clear communication with your partner about finances.
Don't spend anymore money on doing up your house, make your peace with what you have, accept no holidays or days out until you've cleared more of your debt.
Yes it's going to be a bit shit for a while, but once you've managed to clear a good chunk of the debt, you can plan for some nice activities/ treats, but get that debt shifted first. Definitely worth talking to CAB get more advice.

Original poster

Justanotherfalsealarm · 25/06/2023 18:00

garfieldeatscake · 25/06/2023 17:49

I'm surprised you could get a mortgage given the house/ flat sounds like it had some fundamental problems, which most mortgage companies would run away from. Are you on 100% mortgage if you didn't have a deposit? Are you able to keep up your mortgage repayments?
You really need to start living within your means. I don't get why you are so het up on the schooling side of things either, if your kids are academic and motivated they will do well wherever they go to school, if they aren't academic or motivated, then no matter how good the school, they'll still struggle.
Something is a bit off, obviously OP you are only saying what you want us to read, but something isn't adding up, again fair enough, non of us have a right to know what's going on in your life. But with the information you've supplied I'd suggest the following:
Budget and stick to it.
No little 'treats' until you can't afford it. No big spending on the kids, no matter how much you'd like to.
Clear communication with your partner about finances.
Don't spend anymore money on doing up your house, make your peace with what you have, accept no holidays or days out until you've cleared more of your debt.
Yes it's going to be a bit shit for a while, but once you've managed to clear a good chunk of the debt, you can plan for some nice activities/ treats, but get that debt shifted first. Definitely worth talking to CAB get more advice.

Hi, we have a £700k flat and 50% lvt. We both have good salaries. I frr we lt it was unfair that I was shouldering a joint loan, which meant that I couldn’t balance transfer a large debt in order to keep payments down and pay it off pronto.

I have worked in education for 25 years, so I know that no matter how academic my children are, if they’re in a school where poor teachers spend all their time on discipline, then their education will suffer.

i was really looking for advice, not more criticism.

my partner and I have spent the weekend talking and made new financial ground rules. We have cut up the cards and made a repayment plan. We can do this! Thanks for everyone’s advice.

OP posts:

Original poster

Justanotherfalsealarm · 25/06/2023 18:02

Thanks jazzappledelish

OP posts:

Lcb123 · 25/06/2023 18:05

YABU. Why should he risk his credit rating

Isthisexpected · 25/06/2023 18:09

Lcb123 · 25/06/2023 18:05

YABU. Why should he risk his credit rating

It's all sorted. OP has updated.

sandyhappypeople · 25/06/2023 18:53

Justanotherfalsealarm · 25/06/2023 16:14

Hi, apologies. I took the card following discussion with my partner, as I had an excellent credit rating. He earns a lot more than me. We jointly pay off the minimum each month on the £9k. He has agreed to transfer the £9k onto a loan in his name, which we will both pay off together from our joint account. I will transfer the 10k onto the interest free credit card and have already cut them up.

Show quote history

Great outcome op, I’m glad he saw sense.

yipeeyiyay · 26/06/2023 09:14

I think it's reasonable to tell your 'd'p that he should be contributing the £20k debt you racked up in order to move you and your dc to his town. You doing that meant he didn't have to. You took on not only the financial but also the emotional burden of this and it is nit right that he does not contribute