AIBU to ask my partner for help with debts

[Justanotherfalsealarm]

I met my partner just before Covid. I lived in a different city to him, but my ex husband works in the city in which my partner lives. My partner wanted to live with me, but I had to move city- to partner’s city, with my children. I tried to engage wit ex husband over this, long story short, he went to court for full custody of my children- he didn’t get it, the judge felt that a move of cities was positive for my children and I in terms of better schools for them and prospects for me.

The legal fees cost me around £20k….. I paid a lot on my own, selling my car, etc, the rest £12k I put onto an interest free credit card. I have been slowly whittling this away- it’s now at £10k.

Last summer, my partner and I took out a joint credit card- or rather I took the card and he’s named on it. It has an interest free balance of £9k.

the problem is that I am now overstretched, so when I came to balance transfer my original card, I couldn’t! 😱 I DID have very good credit! I’m now left in the situation where I will have to find hundreds of pounds every month to pay this card. So I asked my partner to take on the debt of the £9k card. He’s gone ballistic at me, saying that it’s unreasonable that he should take on my debts, etc.

Folks, AIBU? What are your thoughts? Please don’t be too harsh with me. 😣

I think if he genuinely has been responsible for half the spending on the card then the sensible thing to do would be for him to take on half the debt of that card and seperate it from your debt if possible. At the moment it's all in your name. If he cant morally see why he should pay of the debt he had accrued in your name then I think you are best of splitting now and trying to clear the whole lot yourself. Either way - get his name off the card.

If I have understood correctly, her partner is basically the main reason she doesn't have £20k in her bank account.

It’s not her partners fault that she chose to move away from her children’s home to live in a flat with a new partner within five minutes of meeting him. She must have made that choice pretty soon into their relationship if it has already gone through court and the move has happened if they only met just before the pandemic.

For all we know, the new partner would never have done something so stupid so early in a relationship, even if he didn’t mind OP doing it. OP needs to be questioning her own choices here, not blaming it all on her new partner and ex.

Where does she say he was willing to move to her?

Look, OP, you've made some bad decisions here.

You only met your DP shortly before lockdow

Right, so he was willing for the OP to take a (stupid, in my opinion) risk to move herself and her children to his city to be with him, even though she could have lost custody of her children, and even though he wasn't willing to take that risk himself.

And then, in the full knowledge of how much OP had spent and risked in order to do that, was happy for her to take out credit in her sole name and spend that credit himself.

Yeah. That's what I'm saying. He's a user, this relationship is unequal, and the OP has been taken for a fool.

If he cared about her, he wouldn't have run up debt in her name, quite apart from any of the other context here.

But she was running up debt in her own name too.

I am quoting you. Where you said.

to mean that her partner was willing to move to where she and her children lived.

If the partner was willing to move to Op, but Op wanted to move to him then why would her legal fees be his responsibility?

If the airtime was willing to move, as you put in your posts, op knew she was risking legal proceedings and still chose to move to her partner. It wasn’t the partners choice.

All the more reason why a partner who cared would say, "Hey, maybe we should rein in our spending a bit while you get on top of your debt" rather than spending her credit and getting her into even more debt.

Mark my words, this relationship will end and the OP will be in even more debt than she is now.

But she doesn't say he was willing to move to her!

Sorry, posted too soon.

You only met your DP shortly before lockdown, so you've been together what, 4 years at most. You seem to have moved very quickly in that time...spent £20k on a court case to be able to move your dc to another city, purchased a flat together, spent a huge amount of money renovating that flat etc. That's quite a pace when children are involved and I would be concerned that you have rushed your decisions/ made poor ones. It seems that you're now finding out that your partner is not that much of a partner at all, so perhaps you ought not to have moved your kids in with him quite so fast?

I don't know why you allowed him to have a card that has enabled him to rack up debt in your name, especially when you had so much debt already. You say that he booked a holiday because he wanted one. Was that discussed in advance of booking it, and did you agree, or did he just increase your debt without your consent?

Why are you spending so much on renovations? Is the flat unsafe to live in, and if so, why did you buy a property like that for your kids to live in? Alternatively, if the renovations are cosmetic, why didn't you just accept that you couldn't afford them because you had racked up so much debt in legal fees? And why are the costs of the renovation being charged to your credit card? What is he contributing?

I think you need some good quality debt advice ASAP. There will be local advice charities that offer this. They will help to to identify the best solution and they won't judge. They may also be able to do some work with you around financial capability that will prevent you from making the same mistakes in the future. You have a lot of debt. It can be managed so don't stress about it, but please do get help...it will get worse if you just leave it.

And take a step back from your relationship and consider whether this is really a viable partnership or not. Your partner should at least be willing to take on at least half of the joint debt. If he isn't, then what does that tell you? Have a calm, open and honest conversation about where you go from here. Also, cut up both cards immediately. You can't afford to accrue any more debt and you can't allow him to spend any more money in your name.

All she said was her partner wanted to live with her. She then said she had to move to where he lived. Doesn't say at all that there was an option for him to move to where she was. She spent £20k moving her kids to the city where her partner lives and borrowed £9k in her own name on joint expenses. I'm with the 'partner is taking her for a mug' camp but she's willingly mugged herself off TBH

Wtf? You said you took her statement to mean

to mean that her partner was willing to move to where she and her children lived.

you took it to mean that he WAS willing to move to where she lived.

I am saying, if you are correct and he WAS willing to move to where her children lived then the debt isn’t something he is responsible for.

Though as a grown adult she could have not moved.

This is exactly how I read the situation too.

OP, would you be prepared to put all your share of the mortgage payments toward paying down this debt, leaving him with the entire mortgage every month? Just until your partner sees that you're not the only one who can be dropped in the shit when it comes to financial obligations, and how illogical it is to force the household to pay all that CC interest.

Managing debt on an interest free credit card and moving the debt across from card to card isn’t the way - at some point you will be hit with a bad credit score. I just checked mine and because we used a lot of credit card allowance last month to pay off a holiday (using a bonus so will be paid off) it has dropped.
so working out a way of consolidating your debts is necessaey

and talking to your partner about paying off his part of the debt
and getting spending under control

I think part of the problem is you think you’ve been whittling away your personal debt (when you talk about the 12k card) but actually you’ve been adding to it. It’s just gone on the 9k instead.

I also think it was foolish to have the debt in your name when it’s for both of you - unfortunately it isn’t joint in anyone’s eyes as you took it out.

I think you might need to look at a personal loan for the debt - your own bank might lend you this if you’ve got a good history with them.

Interest credit cards could sometimes be moved about and shifted fairly endlessly because the interest rates went up, but banks are looking for much better credit rating and a lack of existing debt before issuing them. Lots of people who thought they could do this are now ending up having to pay the “real” interest rates on these cards which is punishing.

But there are also huge red flags

he wanted to live with me but I had to move - why? Why did you have to move from where you were upend your children and take the, away from their father. As you ex did the commute it must be doable

he is showing you who he is and what he thinks of your

We both pay half of all bills and mortgage.

to answer another op, I already have two jobs and in a reasonably well paid professional job with no chance of improving my salary.

You seem really bad at managing your money. I think those free courses at citizens advice would do you good.

If I have understood correctly, her partner is basically the main reason she doesn't have £20k in her bank account.

She is the main reason she doesn't have £20k in her bank account. I don't see how it helps at all to infantalise OP and blame it all on her partner. He could be the biggest using shit in the universe, but she's still in charge of her life and her finances. She moved to buy a flat for her and the DCs with him, spent money doing the flat up, went on the holiday. She's got a massive blindspot around all these decisions and spending in general (agree with PP that she wasn't 'whittling' the debt down if she was spending on another credit card). and that blindspot no doubt extends to her choice in DPs and not seeing the red flags. But focusing attention on him is a bum steer here. Bear in mind that even now she's looking to him to take on the whole £9k debt that's in her name. That's how detached from reality she is. She needs to not look to him, but look to herself and get proper help to deal with the debt and not add to it.

So between you and your partner you have 3 jobs you are still in debt and are seeking to get into more debt? Op - this isn't sustainable.

He wanted me to move, as my job is more portable. My ex husband already works in this city. He and his ex wife live in this city and she would have gone to court, or his children would have stayed with her….. instead my children and I had the trauma of going to court.
the benefit for my children is that they’re in a school in the top 10 in the country.

But you have 2 kids? So he is paying above his share?

Is this why he believes he shouldn’t be paying the debt?

does he accept its half his debt?

It sounds like the pair of you need financial advice. Without knowing the exact details no one here can give specific advice other than seek specialist help. If I'm understanding correctly you're saying
Before you moved in together you incurred debt for legal fees which you have on a credit card. You've been up to date with the payments but still owe over £10k. You then moved in with your partner and got another credit card in your name. Pressumably you were tempted by the interest free period andcplanned to use it for joint purchases eg home renovation purchases, then get it paid off between you whilst it's 'cheap' borrowing. The interest free period is coming to an end (?) and you're struggling to see what you've spent the full money on (holiday? nights out?) and you still owe £9k so in total YOU owe around £19k! You now can't get additional credit due to your debt so want to somehow just put the 2nd card in his name only? You realise you can't do that right? Unless you have a fixed rate mortgage I hope you realise that's going to go up. Borrowing in general is going to go up. As a couple you need to do some serious belt tightening and think how youre going to address this.
You've made yourself (and your children) really vulnerable here. It's a new relationship and the stress levels must be incredibly high. He's in an ideal situation to walk away if the going gets tough. A single man with no dependants will manage OK in a room or at a mates until you're forced to sell the house. I hope he's in it for the long run.

But why?

why did you go to court? He didn’t want to move because he would end up in court. Why was your response to be ‘ok I will move to you and go to court instead’?

He wasn’t wrong to upend his kids and put him through that. I don’t understand why you willingly did it instead.

It’s really obvious you shouldn’t be with this man at all. You are making bad decision after bad decision. Now saddled with 20k of debt in your name.

I assumed before you moved your worked out if you could afford to stay where you are now if you split up?

Can you afford to stay if you split up or will you be looking to love the children again?

Your partner sounds like an area. But your poor decisions are all yours.