AIBU to ask my partner for help with debts

[Justanotherfalsealarm]

I met my partner just before Covid. I lived in a different city to him, but my ex husband works in the city in which my partner lives. My partner wanted to live with me, but I had to move city- to partner’s city, with my children. I tried to engage wit ex husband over this, long story short, he went to court for full custody of my children- he didn’t get it, the judge felt that a move of cities was positive for my children and I in terms of better schools for them and prospects for me.

The legal fees cost me around £20k….. I paid a lot on my own, selling my car, etc, the rest £12k I put onto an interest free credit card. I have been slowly whittling this away- it’s now at £10k.

Last summer, my partner and I took out a joint credit card- or rather I took the card and he’s named on it. It has an interest free balance of £9k.

the problem is that I am now overstretched, so when I came to balance transfer my original card, I couldn’t! 😱 I DID have very good credit! I’m now left in the situation where I will have to find hundreds of pounds every month to pay this card. So I asked my partner to take on the debt of the £9k card. He’s gone ballistic at me, saying that it’s unreasonable that he should take on my debts, etc.

Folks, AIBU? What are your thoughts? Please don’t be too harsh with me. 😣

Do you pay any extra into the joint account to reflect the cost of your two kids?

Ok just focus on the debt. What's done is done.

You can't increase your income so you'll have to decrease outgoings.

you’re right. My ex husband was building up for going for full custody for a long time. I know that I will be slated for saying this, but £20k in legal fees for a custody battle is getting off lightly, lots of other people can easily spend double this.

We both have two children, so we both pay in the same amount, which is fair

Have you asked about him taking on half of the debt seeing as it was spent on both of you? Then you could look at getting a consolidated loan for the rest to pay off in much smaller amounts over 3-5 years?

Yes, I do feel like this and I think that you have summed it up perfectly

First thing you need to do is cut up the second credit card. And any store cards you have kicking around.

Second thing is to contact a debt consolidation scheme and work with them ,set a budget, and stick to it.

You are in this for the long haul but you will get there in the end, but be realistic, if you have a tap water budget you don’t buy champagne.

Is he helping you to pay the 9k debt currently?

Ah i see.

Does your ex pay you the cms required amount of maintenance or more? If not and you are owed it then pursue that.

I'm confused, sorry if you've covered this, What do you mean '...renovating our flat...? Did you buy somewhere together (as in both of you on deeds and mortgage)? Why would you get into further debt,big you already have debt from the court case?

But you precipitated the court action by moving. You didn't need to do that and he may never have applied for more time with them. I don't understand your logic here.

You can't go on big holidays and do renovations if you can't afford them, was it your partner pushing for both of these?

If yes, beware.

If the debt on the card of £9K is definitely joint then you should be paying it off 50/50.
But honestly, OP, what a shit succession of choices you have made. You didn't 'need' to move cities and you didn't 'need' to renovate your flat when you were already in so much debt. Stop spending money you don't have.

Ah right I see. And you have them all equal amounts of time.

Then yes 50:50 on bills is fair

You racked up 12k+ on legal fees to fight for your kids, ok fair enough. But then you spent a further 9k on holidays and renovations? You both sound very irresponsible when it comes to money, you already had a huge debt (which is just yours) but your boyfriend can't possibly have thought it was a good idea to carry on spending, well he did as you put the card in your name, he can just walk away from this and leave you to pay it. Of course he doesn't want it putting in his name, he might be left paying it if you break up!!

If you can't afford things you wait and save up. Holidays can wait as can renovations (assuming it isn't something like a boiler you needed).

It’s good that you jointly own the flat, as at least the 5k you’ve spent is hopefully going to be reclaimed long term.

I still don’t quite understand what your new partner’s position is on the joint 9k debt from the holiday etc? Does he agree that it’s partially his responsibility? Is he helping pay for it?

what an absolute shit show OP

all this money could have gone in to investing in your future and your children

instead you’ve pissed it up the wall by moving in way way too quickly with someone you had hardly been in a relationship with.

The bathroom floor was rotten and the loo, bath and shower had been leaking for years (our flat is a delapidated old rental flat that we bought). There were huge mushrooms growing in our bathroom and the floor was probably about to give way, so we replaced the floor, the shower, the sink, re-tiled. It wasn’t unnecessary renovations. We had to do the kitchen previously, as the floor was also rotten, none of the appliances worked - no fridge for a family of 6. The cupboards were falling off the walls. We didn’t buy a fitted kitchen, we have used old pine kitchen dressers, etc to replace the kitchen.

in answer to another question- I don’t get maintenance as my children are 50-50 with my ex.

What a lovely sounding home to move your children to with your new partner

How old are the 4 children involved in this mess

Not once you do you say anything positive about this partner. I’m guessing that generally you’re regretting moving in with him. Correct?

It doesn't sound like a good move overall. You couldn't afford the renovations so you couldn't afford that flat or to support a family of six by the sounds of it. You could have held off on the move for a couple of years while you genuinely did whittle your debts down and get them cleared. Like so often on here, it sounds like all that mattered was moving in with your new man and the rest got parked as problems to deal with another day. Well, that day is looming and now you're looking to him to deal with them, and he's gone ballastic. Deal with them yourself and don't put any more faith in him to help you out because he's actively made things worse not better and you've signed up for it every step of the way.

It is in fact a very lovely home. It’s in an amazing, safe , secure area, where our children have access to any facility that they want , as well as attending 1 of the top 10 schools in the country. The only way we could afford this was to buy a doer upper.

I imagine your ex Op is bloody frustrated with you

I'm not sure what end result you expected when you took a large debt whilst already having some OP. The situation sounds like an entire mess. Why purchase a home that was so unsuitable if you didn't have the cash to do urgent works?

You need to call whoever the credit is with and tell them you are not able to pay and need a payment plan. Perhaps get some advice from the Money Advice Service or similar. Register with Experian and look for ways to improve your credit if you are eligible for any and to see if there are any balance transfer offers available.

If your partner has been racking up debt on a credit card you are both named on then yes he obviously needs to pay it back as much as you do. Is he refusing to pay back anything at all despite the fact he racked it up on things such as 'holidays'? Who's name is the mortgage for the property in?

I'm having real trouble understanding these court battles but I think I may have finally it worked out:

Is it the case that while your ex husband always worked in the city you now live in, he didn't originally live there? So he went for full custody because he would no longer be living near his children (only working near them)? But when he lost, he moved house to be 5 minutes away from his job and therefore is now also now living - as well as working - close to where his children now live?

And is it the case that your partner also has children living in that city but didn't want to move to you instead as his children definitely would have ended up living in a different place to him by doing things that way as their mum and his children would obviously not have followed him to his new living place? So it was preferable that you move to him rather than him to you?

If so, I think I've finally untangled this and actually think that if the plan was to create a new family unit - simply doing the move this way round for everyone's convenience (when it otherwise could just as easily have been your partner moving and having the battle over seeing his children) then the cost of the court process (which could have happened either way) should have been discussed as a joint debt upfront, as well as the renovation costs. The fact it wasn't and that it all now very much is an by your partner as your problem is a red flag in my opinion.

Based on the info above I actually think your ex husband is coming out of this story best so far! Tried to keep hold of his children and willing to have them full time to do so, and when that wasn't possible uprooted his living situation in order to move to where you'd decided to go in order to be closer to his children! I'm sure there's more to it that that but your partner doesn't sound like much of a partner.