Page 7 | AIBU to ask my partner for help with debts

Justanotherfalsealarm · 2023-06-25T04:15:20+00:00

I met my partner just before Covid. I lived in a different city to him, but my ex husband works in the city in which my partner lives. My partner wanted to live with me, but I had to move city- to partner’s city, with my children. I tried to engage wit ex husband over this, long story short, he went to court for full custody of my children- he didn’t get it, the judge felt that a move of cities was positive for my children and I in terms of better schools for them and prospects for me. The legal fees cost me around £20k….. I paid a lot on my own, selling my car, etc, the rest £12k I put onto an interest free credit card. I have been slowly whittling this away- it’s now at £10k. Last summer, my partner and I took out a joint credit card- or rather I took the card and he’s named on it. It has an interest free balance of £9k. the problem is that I am now overstretched, so when I came to balance transfer my original card, I couldn’t! 😱 I DID have very good credit! I’m now left in the situation where I will have to find hundreds of pounds every month to pay this card. So I asked my partner to take on the debt of the £9k card. He’s gone ballistic at me, saying that it’s unreasonable that he should take on my debts, etc. Folks, AIBU? What are your thoughts? Please don’t be too harsh with me. 😣

Pinkdelight3 · 25/06/2023 11:21

That's twice you've mentioned this top 10 school in the country. Looking on the bright side is a wonderful thing, but not when it stops you seeing reality. You couldn't afford the doer-upper because doing it up has put you in the hole and you can't pay the debts. What are you going to do about it? Clue - the answer isn't DP taking them on.

ApplesInTheSunshine · 25/06/2023 11:22

This is awful. So you spent money you didn’t have to take your children away from their father to live with a new man in a dilapidated unsafe home?

And then spent even more money you didn’t have to do it up? And are only now finding out your partners true colours?

What a mess. Poor kids.

sandyhappypeople · 25/06/2023 11:25

Do a lot of people on here just come on to criticise an OPs choices in life??.. when that’s not what she’s asked about at all.

she admitted she’s made a mistake in the second £9k being solely in her name and come for advice on that, and then there been a flood of posters slamming her decision to move, decision to spend money on legal proceedings, go on holiday, make renovations to her house, get with a partner ‘so quickly’, and asking her to justify all these decisions like she owes them a fucking explanation!!

Jesus, some people need to climb down off their high horses!

LemonTT · 25/06/2023 11:36

It would be unbelievably stupid to open up a new line of credit, even for zero interest if that is available. Because in the past this led you to using that credit and building up more debt.

A consolidation loan might be a good option but you need to evaluate this in the short and long term. And you need to stop opening lines of credit especially on credit cards. The zero interest is intended to get you into a lot of debt and paying a lot of interest. It is a good idea for people who are good with money and can probably clear it if needed. You are not one of those people. You have a spending problem you cannot afford. Debt is not the solution.

The pair of you need to come up with a budget and repayment plan. Or you will be 30-40k in debt this time next year.

Snoken · 25/06/2023 11:38

@sandyhappypeople but those are the reasons she is in this mess. If she doesn't understand that she is being taken advantage of (she is) she needs to learn that to avoid falling even deeper into debt. She can get out now with the debt she has or she can continue to put her partner and his kids before her own and go even deeper. It's harsh but she is not doing herself any favours and the fact is that she has made herself legally responsible for all of the blended family's debt and there is no easy way out of it unless her partner agrees to take it on.

Ladybug14 · 25/06/2023 11:41

It would be a red flag for me that your partner is so appalled at taking on the £9k credit card debt, most of which has and is benefitting him

Hes happy for YOU to have joint debt in your name but not to have it in his name

For me this would give me the ick

For the rest of your question, I'd go and see CAB or step change and get help working out your finances

I dont think you can rely on or trust your partner regards money

Equalitea · 25/06/2023 11:47

Justanotherfalsealarm · 25/06/2023 10:27

you’re right. My ex husband was building up for going for full custody for a long time. I know that I will be slated for saying this, but £20k in legal fees for a custody battle is getting off lightly, lots of other people can easily spend double this.

You could have represented yourself and won.

CJsGoldfish · 25/06/2023 11:51

So you took out a credit card, some of which was used on a holiday of all (necessary?) things, and your partner has taken issue with you wanting him to take on ALL of the debt? I don't blame him. 🤷‍♀️
It's a shared debt, is he contributing to payments? If he is, that's pretty much all you can expect. If he isn't you're not going to make him so you'd be best to cut your losses and move on from him before you're in even more debt

sandyhappypeople · 25/06/2023 11:58

Snoken · 25/06/2023 11:38

@sandyhappypeople but those are the reasons she is in this mess. If she doesn't understand that she is being taken advantage of (she is) she needs to learn that to avoid falling even deeper into debt. She can get out now with the debt she has or she can continue to put her partner and his kids before her own and go even deeper. It's harsh but she is not doing herself any favours and the fact is that she has made herself legally responsible for all of the blended family's debt and there is no easy way out of it unless her partner agrees to take it on.

Who says she’s in a ‘mess’? you’ve decided on very limited information that she’s ruined her life or something? She KNOWS she’s made a mistake and admitted as much, but she hasn’t said she/they can’t afford to pay it back (unless I’m mistaken?). She’s just not got access to the 0% balance transfer offers to carry on paying her old debt the way she was previously because she (very shortsightedly) made a mistake of jointly running up another credit card that she could have used to transfer it. She actually asking whether she’s unreasonable in asking her partner to help with the situation.. not asking for lifestyle advice.

in fairness new partner should be immediately transferring £4500 out of OPs name into his name (doesn’t matter which debt, the old one which is now incurring interest would be better) she hasn’t explained his position on that (I don’t think), if he’s refusing then he is not a ‘partner’.

I think if people were talking to OP in real life they wouldn’t be so spiteful in what they’re saying and should probably remind them selves of that from time to time, op is a human being reading all this at the end of the day.

Pinkdelight3 · 25/06/2023 12:06

she hasn’t said she/they can’t afford to pay it back (unless I’m mistaken?).

I'd say you are mistaken - from the OP:

the problem is that I am now overstretched...I’m now left in the situation where I will have to find hundreds of pounds every month to pay this card.

She wasn't even affording to pay it back before, as she was instead racking up debts on this other card. Not admitting it's a mess is part of what's got her here, moving the debts around, spending more, letting DP spend in her name. Better to call it a mess and get proper help to manage the debt and resolve it, instead on minimising and carrying on passively spiralling into more debt.

Pinkdelight3 · 25/06/2023 12:09

Also it's quite idealistic to talk of the OP's DP transferring £4.5k debt into his name. He's got the OP to move to where he wants to live (incurring more debt and all the court case trauma to boot), to put his debt in her name, he's gone ballistic at her about it, hardly signals that he's going to do the right thing now. I think people want her to wake up not keep sleepwalking into more mess.

Snoken · 25/06/2023 12:10

@sandyhappypeople what benefit would there be in telling OP that she's fine, it will all work out, just do better next time? She is overstretched now, she has racked up £9K debt in one year. It doesn't matter if we all say it's OK to ask her partner to pay it off, it's not his debt legally, it's hers. All he has to do is say no thanks and she is lumbered with it regardless. She has made a series of terrible financial decisions and she has children that depend on her, she needs to wisen up and not be the one who makes all the sacrifices, financial or not.

yogasaurus · 25/06/2023 12:13

in fairness new partner should be immediately transferring £4500 out of OPs name into his name (doesn’t matter which debt, the old one which is now incurring interest would be better) she hasn’t explained his position on that (I don’t think), if he’s refusing then he is not a ‘partner’.

If he had £4500, why would they be living off credit cards? He wouldn’t do this even if he did, anyway, based on what OP has said. He’s viewing it as her debt. She’s been done a kipper. She’s moved to his town at a cost of £20k to her, and she’s paying for renovations and a holiday he ‘wanted to go on’.

Poor kids, it’s easy to see where her priorities are.

ProfessorXtra · 25/06/2023 12:15

sandyhappypeople · 25/06/2023 11:58

Who says she’s in a ‘mess’? you’ve decided on very limited information that she’s ruined her life or something? She KNOWS she’s made a mistake and admitted as much, but she hasn’t said she/they can’t afford to pay it back (unless I’m mistaken?). She’s just not got access to the 0% balance transfer offers to carry on paying her old debt the way she was previously because she (very shortsightedly) made a mistake of jointly running up another credit card that she could have used to transfer it. She actually asking whether she’s unreasonable in asking her partner to help with the situation.. not asking for lifestyle advice.

in fairness new partner should be immediately transferring £4500 out of OPs name into his name (doesn’t matter which debt, the old one which is now incurring interest would be better) she hasn’t explained his position on that (I don’t think), if he’s refusing then he is not a ‘partner’.

I think if people were talking to OP in real life they wouldn’t be so spiteful in what they’re saying and should probably remind them selves of that from time to time, op is a human being reading all this at the end of the day.

Show quote history

Given op has 2 jobs(one is reasonably paid professional role) and still need to find hundreds of extra pounds a month, yes she is in a mess.

Also given that she clearly can’t afford to live in the area of her and dp split up. so the kids may have too move again.

And let’s be honest, wracking up debt in your partners name and the refusing to pay your half, is a situation that would end most relationships.

It’s an absolute mess

notsofamous · 25/06/2023 12:18

Whatever you do, don’t become pregnant.

notsofamous · 25/06/2023 12:24

I don’t understand. You both decided to buy the flat. You knew it was a doer upper. You knew the floor was unsafe and rotten, and you knew there were fungus in the bathroom. You knew you were already in deep debt. You knew your partner didn’t have any money.

Still, you made decision to buy the flat and put all the renovations in YOUR name on a credit card instead of taking a house loan in both your names?

For what, your kids being able to go to a decent school?

LightlySearedontheRealityGrill · 25/06/2023 12:24

If he is not willing to help you resolve this situation (which he has played a major part in creating) what kind of 'partner' is he?
At the very least he can take his £4.5k share of the debt off the joint card. Remove him from it then, and don't ever share anything financial with him again as he clearly is not trustworthy with money.
If he wont even take on his share of the debt, then you know he is a user and Im afraid that moving on from him is your best bet, because he will always be on the lookout for how he can take advantage of you.

notsofamous · 25/06/2023 12:26

What does it matter that the kids go to a top school when you don’t even have money for school uniforms or food for them.

TeenagersAngst · 25/06/2023 12:31

Ladybug14 · 25/06/2023 11:41

It would be a red flag for me that your partner is so appalled at taking on the £9k credit card debt, most of which has and is benefitting him

Hes happy for YOU to have joint debt in your name but not to have it in his name

For me this would give me the ick

For the rest of your question, I'd go and see CAB or step change and get help working out your finances

I dont think you can rely on or trust your partner regards money

This. Was just coming on to post the same.

Have you actually asked your DP why it's ok to have joint debt in your name, but not in his?

excelledyourself · 25/06/2023 12:33

I'd have stayed where I was to begin with.

He seems to call a lot of shots.

sandyhappypeople · 25/06/2023 12:34

Pinkdelight3 · 25/06/2023 12:06

she hasn’t said she/they can’t afford to pay it back (unless I’m mistaken?).

I'd say you are mistaken - from the OP:

the problem is that I am now overstretched...I’m now left in the situation where I will have to find hundreds of pounds every month to pay this card.

She wasn't even affording to pay it back before, as she was instead racking up debts on this other card. Not admitting it's a mess is part of what's got her here, moving the debts around, spending more, letting DP spend in her name. Better to call it a mess and get proper help to manage the debt and resolve it, instead on minimising and carrying on passively spiralling into more debt.

Fair enough, i didn’t read that as them not being able to afford it, I read that as because her offer had run out on the original debt, it’s now gone so she’s having to pay more now and is stretched because of that (not because it wasn’t affordable in the first place), but she wants partner to take on the joint debt so she can get that original debt back on a reasonable rate and get it back under control, it’s not an unreasonable ask.

That’s just how I’m reading the situation. It was a big mistake taking on the extra debt whichever way you look at it, that doesn’t mean every decision op has made about partner, moving, court case, kids etc was wrong, people are judging things they got no right to judge IMO, but it happens all the time on here.

She wasn't even affording to pay it back before, as she was instead racking up debts on this other card.

im not sure how you got to this, that previous debt was sat there being paid off at zero interest, the new card was being used jointly for other things (big mistake in my opinion). It sounds like it’s the end of that original offer period that’s cocked everything up and bad financial planning on OPs part (or lack of).

notsofamous · 25/06/2023 12:36

Or is there a reason your dp can’t have a credit card in his name op?

TheSeaDoesntKnowMyName · 25/06/2023 12:42

Justanotherfalsealarm · 25/06/2023 10:20

He wanted me to move, as my job is more portable. My ex husband already works in this city. He and his ex wife live in this city and she would have gone to court, or his children would have stayed with her….. instead my children and I had the trauma of going to court.
the benefit for my children is that they’re in a school in the top 10 in the country.

".. instead my children and I had the trauma of going to court."

nice...

MargotBamborough · 25/06/2023 12:59

ProfessorXtra · 25/06/2023 10:01

I am quoting you. Where you said.

to mean that her partner was willing to move to where she and her children lived.

If the partner was willing to move to Op, but Op wanted to move to him then why would her legal fees be his responsibility?

If the airtime was willing to move, as you put in your posts, op knew she was risking legal proceedings and still chose to move to her partner. It wasn’t the partners choice.

Show quote history

You've cut off half my sentence there.

The part where I said I didn't think that's what she was saying.

As she later confirmed. He wanted to live with her but wasn't willing to move to where she lived, she had to move to be with him and uproot her children's entire lives in the process.

I expect the OP will stay with him due to the sunk costs fallacy but I think this relationship will just keep costing her more and more the longer it lasts.

Kugela · 25/06/2023 13:48

@Justanotherfalsealarm There’s two things you need to do immediately. Firstly as pp suggested, cut up your credit cards today. You know you have to stop using them. Secondly, make an appointment with Stepchange or Christians against poverty (you don’t need to be religious in any way to talk to them). They will be able to advise you about how to deal with the credit card companies and to set a budget until your debts are paid off.

If your DP isn’t going to be supportive about helping to pay off debts, it’s quite possible that your relationship won’t last long term. I hope things work out for you.