Refuses to work

[MardiMoo]

I have a husband, married for 15 years, who just refuses to work. That’s the simplest way I can put it. DP had some anxiety issues during Covid, which I understand, but has not worked for over 3 years now. Takes good care of the kids (12 and 10) and cooks (not particularly well) for us, but also loves to watch sports too and follows a couple of minor sports and leagues with a passion that we haven’t experienced for years. No sex or even physical touch in several years. The financial stress is all on me and it’s killing me…it was never meant to be like this, but as soon as I raise the topic of the bills or costs, DP is super-defensive and much prefers to question me about when I will pay the bills or our various costs. Total expectation that I pay all - I should have pushed-back years ago I know. Suggestions or advice needed (no wrong answers) 😓

You lot are so mean, he has clearly lost his confidence. Voluntary or part time to ease back in, even an entry level type job eg retail or cafe or warehouse.

@piesforever Thats good advice, but when op has broached this with her husband, he gets defensive and expects her to pay all the bills. He’s not willing to consider getting any job, (or work towards this), despite all the financial stress she is under.

Cyclebabble Thats awful .I really feel for you.Sometimes I think the worlds gone mad! Most women work and men have always traditionally been the breadwinners.I cannot fathom how the fuck the law works in these cases .All guys together I think

That original post that you quoted was from me. You're the numpty if you can't spot that. Also you don't seem to understand the difference between stating something and implying something, which is what you've been doing.

Why someone who is already been run ragged, then has to be the one that looks after the other, as you imply, is up to you to work out.

💯

Because generally the stay at home parent is looking after younger children, not a 10 and 12 year old. They don't require him to be at home during the day, he could and should be working.

The kids are 10 and 12, I wouldn’t expect either mom or dad to be stay at home parents when the children are that age.

I'm sorry you are going through this. I'm not sure how things work where you are but in the U.S. if you tried to get divorced at this late stage you would have to pay spousal support since he has been relying on you for his keep this long. Personally I would opt to go off the deep end. I would quit my job and tell him I was done. If it meant losing everything so be it. I would gladly sign up for benefits and cash assist. I would wait 6 months or a year however long it would take for me to not have to pay him support and then I would divorce him and take the kids. You already don't have a marriage as you said there is little to no intimacy and he is only being a first class mooch. You don't have to agree with what I would do but I honestly couldn't handle that from a so called man.

Pretty funny thread revival considering the parallel thread where the OP is a woman and refuses to work more than 16 hours with a 16 and 12 year old. As expected the general consensus on each is quite different.

This is hardly a thread revival - it's barely two weeks old

Liar, liar, pants on fire.

The lack of sex is probably a root cause. Have you gained a few pounds in recent years?

Do tell.

Can you link it? I can’t find it?

I have chose "you are being unreasonable" not because I think you are being unreasonable about not wanting to be the only earner or being unreasonable about wanting him to work. What I do think though is there must be more to this that you either don't know (haven't bothered find out?) or aren't telling us. Have you asked him WHY he doesn't want to work? or What he thinks about your finances? It sounds to me like he is in a bad place mentally and your focus really needs to be why and how you can help him, not how helpful it would be if he worked.

@Sissynova
The other thread is a mother who wants to continue working parttime even though both her children are in secondary school now and her partner wants her to work fulltime. Just about everyone said that it is wrong to expect your partner to support you against their wishes.

Then it took a bit of a turn, because it turns out they are unmarried and her partner is the sole owner of the house she lives in. But that is another story though even a stronger reason why she should get a fulltime job.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4841463-to-not-work-full-time?reply=127373561

@Coyoacan thank you for linking

@Sissynova the responses on that thread aren’t what you claim? Why would you feel the need to lie?

@Sissynova the other thread certainly has some similarities... but not at all the same. Not least because the op pays her way.

Either way, the vast majority of posters advise the op to go full time.

Just to add to my earlier post. Things are not yet settled, and my STBEH will be expected to do some work to support himself. However I will have to pay some degree of spousal maintenance. As he is older than me this means that he will retire and I will still be working to keep him. I would not advocate that everyone in a relationship should be earning the same, but my strong counsel is where one party decides that work is not for them, or they effectively are opting out of significant paid work think carefully. With hindsight I have been a total mug, but in the eyes of the law my STBEH was bringing up children and "sacrificed" any hopes of a career to do so. The fact that is bollocks does not do any good.

Cyclebabble wtf ! This just seems so unfair. What would happen if you gave up work I wonder.just pisses me off when he has been living a good life paid for by you and your hard work! Does he have no pride? My grandad retired years ago .nan kept her job (only a tea lady)grandad was insistent she stopped work., as he was worried what people would,say!

@MardiMoo
How are things now?

Tell him that from X date (say three months from today), you'll be paying half the bills and he needs to find the other half, and don't budge.

Him: "When will you be paying X bill?".

You: The minute you've transferred your half, which is £X, to me".

Then hold your nerve.