Refuses to work

[MardiMoo]

I have a husband, married for 15 years, who just refuses to work. That’s the simplest way I can put it. DP had some anxiety issues during Covid, which I understand, but has not worked for over 3 years now. Takes good care of the kids (12 and 10) and cooks (not particularly well) for us, but also loves to watch sports too and follows a couple of minor sports and leagues with a passion that we haven’t experienced for years. No sex or even physical touch in several years. The financial stress is all on me and it’s killing me…it was never meant to be like this, but as soon as I raise the topic of the bills or costs, DP is super-defensive and much prefers to question me about when I will pay the bills or our various costs. Total expectation that I pay all - I should have pushed-back years ago I know. Suggestions or advice needed (no wrong answers) 😓

Nobody NEEDS to be a SAHP of kids that age for financial reasons, I'd say the same thing about a female SAHP. If somebody wants to be a SAHP of older kids it needs to be a joint agreement. He needs to get a job.

Wtf? This has nothing to do with being a man or a woman. It's about being a partnership. If you can't afford for one of you to be at home then you both need to work, end of. His sex is not the issue.

@fancreek - actually sexism is exactly what I get accused of by him and you might have a point…we know a lot of couples where it is the other way around and the woman is SAH and nobody bats an eye (even when the children are older, like ours).

but none of this debate helps me get him to share the load either…

You need legal advice.

Absolute bollocks to suggest a woman posting about being a sahp to 10 and 12 year olds when their husband wants her to work would get an easy ride. I've seen plenty of those posts over the years and they get their arses handed to them, pretty unilaterally.

You can't force someone to financially carry you against their will. It's not fair. Especially if as a household you are struggling to pay the bills.

That goes for anyone, male or female.

Having a parent stay at home only works if you are both in agreement whether it's SAHD or SAHM. That's not sexism, it's being practical. This isn't working for you therefore he needs to step up.

No, but this is "It’s just different for men not working v women not working."

You do sound sexist towards men in general, but you don't respect him because he's a lazy selfish arse who is choosing not to work despite how much of a burden that puts on to you.

Tell him you can't financially or emotionally support him anymore and he needs to step up or move out.

12 and 10 year olds do not need a SAHP, if a family chooses to do that that's fine, there are obviously benefits, but it should be a joint decision, you are not both aligned. Your marriage sounds miserable, it's not working.

WTAF op! The 1970s called, they want their attitude back!
That said.. being a SAH parent is generally agreed (whichever ever sex), and your spouse is taking the piss! I wouldn’t put up with this behaviour, no way - he needs to get off his lazy arse and get a job or you get rid.

I think you sound miserable and taken for granted.

Time for a big change maybe?

If he isn't working how is he funding his lifestyle? All those sports he is interested in?

Is there any way he could suffer depression?
Or he’s just not willing to work and makes stories about anxiety? 10 and 12yo don’t need sahp, no matter mum or dad.

This sort of sexist shit similar is what men come out with, when they were quite happy for their wives to be sahp. Right up until they want out of the marriage.

Then it’s all ‘my wife is lazy, I don’t respect her, why can’t she want a career, i find career women more attractive, I want a woman with Ambition’

Sounds like you’re living in a failed marriage.

Get out before he drags you down any further.

Sorry OP, I felt for you until you shared your sexist views.

This. Ask him to leave or explain that he needs to bring in a wage or you will file for divorce. There is a skills shortage. He has no excuse.

He is freeloading off you and if you don't sort it out now, he will drag you and your dcs down.

They would with kids aged 10 and 12! They aren’t 1 and 2. Once your kids are nursery aged being at home is a luxury most people can’t afford.

Your last post was sexist OP, but I guess it’s frustration.

If he literally won’t look for a job you have to separate. However he probably would get custody of the kids, so it may be better to grit your teeth and stick it for a few years.

If you can afford it and think he will engage then some back to work counselling sessions might help. Do you have an idea of what he could do?

I know that I have probably become a sexist and sound like I judge men differently to other women. But doesn’t society? And he says that I am a sexist too. But the reality is that we have so many couple friends where the woman does not work and nobody thinks that is odd or even comments. And knowing some of the ladies involved, they wouldn’t have accepted it any other way - I don’t think there was a balanced negotiation about it. So maybe my view that a man should work are outdated, but I am not he only one that holds them I am sure.

if a man had posted they’d get slaughtered. Imagine - my wife doesn’t work. I didn’t used to mind but now I do. Yeah she does all the child care etc, and cooks (although she’s not a great cook actually), reckons she’s busy etc etc. But I want her to earn some money too. I don’t respect her any more. She’s boring and lazy.

It’s the usual MN hypocrisy and sexism. SAH mother = hard work. SAH father = lazy slob

What did he do previously ?
is he getting help for anxiety - does he stay home all the time or is it just going to work anxiety..
you need to be careful if you divorce he is currently reliant on you and main cater to children

@continentallentil - he previously worked at an investment bank.

It’s not sexist because it doesn’t sound like you’ve actually had a conversation about him staying at home. It seems that he is just refusing to look for work.

I was on your side until this.

Why does his sex matter? Imagine you were in a same sex relationship, would you feel any different?

The problem is his behaviour and his unwillingness to discuss. I would also suggest your behaviour in 'not respecting him' because he's a man who doesn't work also doesn't help this situation.

You're not wrong OP.

No one needs to be full time SAH with kids that age.

And as regards PP going on about SAH women, well one supposes that was a joint decision between them, and they can afford it.

It's very hard being solely responsible for money coming into the house.

That's not something I would have expected of my DH, nor he of me.