Refuses to work

[MardiMoo]

I have a husband, married for 15 years, who just refuses to work. That’s the simplest way I can put it. DP had some anxiety issues during Covid, which I understand, but has not worked for over 3 years now. Takes good care of the kids (12 and 10) and cooks (not particularly well) for us, but also loves to watch sports too and follows a couple of minor sports and leagues with a passion that we haven’t experienced for years. No sex or even physical touch in several years. The financial stress is all on me and it’s killing me…it was never meant to be like this, but as soon as I raise the topic of the bills or costs, DP is super-defensive and much prefers to question me about when I will pay the bills or our various costs. Total expectation that I pay all - I should have pushed-back years ago I know. Suggestions or advice needed (no wrong answers) 😓

If he wants to play the old-fashioned 'housewife' role then he should do all that entails - all the cooking, cleaning, gardening, shopping etc etc. Your role would be to earn money, then chill out in the evenings and at weekends.

OP - I am in a similar position, dc are 17, 15 and 11. I became a SAHM after I had our 2nd, a change of circumstances after 7 years saw me go back to work and dh become the SAHD. Whilst it was ok at first (the youngest at the time had just turned three) as they get older it is becoming more frustrating and I still don't feel that we have the balance right in the split of household tasks, I still do a huge proportion, I don't do anything for the older two around school as all the information only goes to him, but much of the rest falls to me. The house is a constant tip, but I don't want to spend all my weekends tidying and sorting - though I invariably do.

I asked him a couple of days ago what his plans were in terms of work, especially now the youngest will be starting secondary, he hadn't even thought about it or what he might consider doing and seemed shocked at the proposal.

I have on real down days pondered if I would be better off alone, but chances are with him as the SAHP I'd be paying him maintenance and he would be the RP.

For various reasons we are ok financially, but the thought of him doing nothing much whilst I work for the next 20 or so years isn't an appealing prospect, especially as like in the OP he doesn't do anything else.

I will admit though that my feelings toward this generally reflect how work is going - work is truly rubbish at the moment so I resent having to go in every day into what is an awful toxic workplace whilst he loafs around.

I don't think you're being sexist wanting him to work rather than stay at home. Presumably he worked when your children were younger - who was looking after them and doing the housework then? You are supposed to be a partnership, if one of you wants to stop working completely then that should be something you discuss, plan and arrange for together. To suddenly and deliberately lose an income with no intention of replacing it incredibly presumptive. This is coming from someone who has a DH that doesn't work, but with your background info I'd be seriously considering my options.

I don't know any SAHM beyond early primary so there is nothing sexist about this.

I sympathise OP. I have a DP who really wants to go down this route and it is the most soul destroying shit.

He's currently working part time, earning decent money, but you've got to draw a very clear and hard boundary. We had three months of him pissing about at home. Whining about how work affected his mental health.

In my case that boundary included refusing point blank to pay for any non essential item. I suggest you cut off all access to spending money for him.

Thank you - this is helpful. I am going to have ‘the conversation’ next week. In essence, asking him what he is bringing to the table now and how that is changing things so negatively for us. Trying one last time to get him to be so picky about what work he does - the reality is that he won’t find the sort of work he did once, but there are still good jobs available to him. A friend of his has even asked him to join a start-up business that would potentially be extremely good for him financially and mentally.

@OnenightinBangkok - what you have written most closely represents my own inner feelings about him not working and also why I have been given a hard time about my sexism.

I actually have (had) more sympathy with his struggles than I show - he was not a scrounger or lazy sh*tbag or similar insult here before. But he really can go to work now - his previous job was stressful, though not really as stressful as mine now by his own admission. When we met, he did have the better job - and I admit that his aspirations and ambitions were part of the attraction. Despite my frustration (and apparent sexism) now, I don’t see it as a war of men v women, but I know I have some views that are old-fashioned. Love is what matters the most, but the stresses put on me as sole-provider have really been tough and have killed (inadvertently) the love for me. And as @OnenightinBangkok says, even when it is agreed that the man is a SAHP, it still feels as if a lot of us lose interest - maybe pre-programmed, maybe sexist.

OP

My DH never really enjoyed work, did it because he had to, and has now retired at just before 60.

I on the other hand love work (it wasn't always this way but I found my niche) and I'm dreading retirement.

Thing is, whether he hated it or not (and he's done some really shit jobs in the part) we both NEEDED to work, to pay our bills and bring up the kids.

I always knew I was the more career minded.

Truth is by DH is very clever and never needed the validation to prove who he is. He's very self contained.

He'd probably have been quite content as a SAHD.

HOWEVER difference being he worked anyway. Was good at his job, and while he didn't need it mentally, we couldn't afford for him not to.

Your DH has checked out and is leaving all the responsibility of bringing money in to you.

It's totally unacceptable and selfish.

I don't think it's the same argument as when it's a SAHM. Although they get criticised on here if they don't work once the kids have gone to school. The big difference with a SAHM is they they literally do everything in the home. I've never seen a post that says 'my wife doesn't work, our kids are at school and she sits and games all day when I do the cooking and housework as well as bringing in the money'.

Op I think you need a proper conversation to say you're not willing to support him not working and so he gets a job or ships out.

But the OP here says her husband does the cleaning/cooking/childcare?

Are SAHPs not allowed a hobby?

Honestly, the childcare is much much less than it was given the age of them now. It’s not that I object to my DP having a hobby, it’s really that it seems to have become so comfortable while I am struggling to earn all for us. That’s my real issue.

SAHPs can only be SAHPs if both people agree to it. That's what it comes down to.

Betterlatethanontime · Yesterday 03:20
I would leave. If you can’t perhaps you could stop his access to your money. Take the air conditioning remote to work with you, cancel the internet and all streaming services. Disconnect his phone. You will save money and he won’t need to work.”

Why the hell should OP leave?

He should.

I am not surprised you feel unloved. If he doesn't care how you feel and isn't interested in working on it together with you (looking for a job is a very basic requirement) then I'd have to reconsider the relationship. Having a SAHP needs to be a joint and ongoing decision, not something one person decides to do while ignoring their partner's needs.

Leave the relationship. He can leave the house.

Why leave it til next week? Do it now. Whilst you are running yourself into the ground this will continue. Stop enabling this situation, it doesnt work for all the family. I would tackle it head on.

I know of a few people with serious anxiety issues post Covid. I mean freaking out at leaving home or being around people.

Could he get diagnosed and claim benefits?

That poor woman who got caught up in 2011 riots and got permanently signed off later on because she can't interact with anyone bar her niece had to jump through hoops to get benefits.
Story on her in Take a Break magazine I think few years ago.
Your husband obviously not that extreme.

Give him one more chance is my advice.
If he needs mental health help, seek it.
He's not always been like this so he deserves that.

No co-operation on his part and he goes.

I think that is fair.

It's not being sexist. It's your relationship. If youd agreed in your relationship that one of you would stay at home whilst the other went to work then it would be sexist for you to insist it was you staying at home simply because you're a woman. Presumably you have to work full time because he doesnt work. He is taking away lots of things from you by making this decision - he is taking away joint decision making about your home life, your finances, how much you work, your pension, when you can retire etc. I'd be saying the same if a man or a woman always worked then quit without discussion or agreement. That's not a marriage. Yes lots of women are SAHP but its agreed between them before they have kids. My husband would not accept me just quitting my job and handing all the financial responsibility to him, even though we could probably afford it

Of course it’s the same argument. My partner was a SAHD for years and I didn’t lift a finger at home (kid was in nursery during the day so housework/cooking etc got done then)
Now he works part time, I work full time. Big kid is at school, little one is at home, and I do very little at home as I’m at work.

Not all SAHD’s are useless. I was a SAHM and I was absolutely terrible at it. Spent my days in coffee shops if I’m honest!

Being able to have a SAHP is a luxury for many families. So many people cannot afford to have a parent at home not earning.
The OP says the financial stress is killing her. That means the SAHP needs to go back to work ASAP (and whether they are male or female is irrelevant). This family cannot afford the luxury of having one parent at home any longer and there is also no pressing reason for this because the children are no longer small children.

Yes, he might be cooking and whatever and he's also caring for the children (though this is not as much as it would be if they were small children). Yes he's "allowed" to have a hobby. BUT they can't afford this set up anymore so he has to get a job. That's it.

I think a massive point here is that the kids are not babies or toddlers. I’m a sahm but when my second one goes to school I will be able to do so much more. I mean they’re at school what does he do all day? They’re only so much cleaning you can do. Does he expect to go on like this I definitely?

I'm sure some SAHM aren't doing it by agreement. I know quite a few people who when they were pregnant agreedbthe woman would return to work. Then she breaks the agreement by changing her mind once the baby is born.

This isn’t a partnership, you say he’s a good dad but he won’t provide financially for his kids. Don’t make excuses of anxiety for him. He’s not treating you well. Just ask why you’re staying? Because you’re scared of being alone? You’ll be financially and probably emotionally better off without him.

Do you still love your husband? In that case I would go in couple therapy with him, because obviously things can't go on like they are now. If you lost your love for him, I would go and take the children.

My response would be the same in that case too. Both people need to agree to it, if they don't then no SAHP.