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AIBU?

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Original poster

Refuses to work

322 replies

MardiMoo · 25/06/2023 01:13

I have a husband, married for 15 years, who just refuses to work. That’s the simplest way I can put it. DP had some anxiety issues during Covid, which I understand, but has not worked for over 3 years now. Takes good care of the kids (12 and 10) and cooks (not particularly well) for us, but also loves to watch sports too and follows a couple of minor sports and leagues with a passion that we haven’t experienced for years. No sex or even physical touch in several years. The financial stress is all on me and it’s killing me…it was never meant to be like this, but as soon as I raise the topic of the bills or costs, DP is super-defensive and much prefers to question me about when I will pay the bills or our various costs. Total expectation that I pay all - I should have pushed-back years ago I know. Suggestions or advice needed (no wrong answers) 😓

OP posts:
Eskimal · 02/07/2023 21:45

Without knowing more context, I wonder if your husband had undiagnosed ADHD.

Hibiscrubbed · 02/07/2023 21:46

it’s really that it seems to have become so comfortable while I am struggling to earn all for us

I do not blame you for feeling resentful. He’s got an easy ride at home. He quit his job without consultation with you. Your children require little, and what he does do at home, he doesn’t do particularly well. Meanwhile you’re supporting everyone and are burning out.

Many SAHMs would have been told to get back into employment when her children were 12 and 10, there’s nothing sexist but seeing that the OP’s husband is on a bit of a doss.

Riverlee · 02/07/2023 21:47

Fraaahnces · 25/06/2023 04:30

Patio

Made me giggle!

RudsyFarmer · 02/07/2023 21:51

Whatever the arrangement it has to work for both parties and yours doesn’t. If a man posted the exact same thread all of the posters would be saying he had every right to assume the woman would go back to work with children that age unless they had complex health needs etc.

I wonder whether he thinks he’s done his bit. If he worked in an investment bank I’m going to assume he was a high earner? If so I think there’s every chance he is taking a step back and thinking it’s your time to graft. He’s justified it in his mind but I also wonder if he is suffering with anxiety but not wanting to admit it so hiding that behind other reasons. Do you think ge has some depression?

bonzaitree · 02/07/2023 21:58

Wanting your partner to have some form of a job isn’t exactly an unrealistic standard.

it’s a pretty basic expectation that the person you’re with is employed.

LivinDaylights · 02/07/2023 22:10

Kick him out!!! What does he bring to the table apart from the odd shit meal that he hasn't paid for?

I have the same view about women doing the same thing, once your children are in school you have no excuse not to work. There's no reason to be sat at home all day with kids at school. I think it's easier for women to hide behind being a SAHM, than for a man to claim the same.

KR2023 · 02/07/2023 22:10

Eskimal · 02/07/2023 21:45

Without knowing more context, I wonder if your husband had undiagnosed ADHD.

I think it is more likely that he has TWCDIIJGTFA

the wife can do it, I'm just going to fanny around

With a mum who is a SAHP, she always does the (hated word alert) house admin - sending cards at xmas, bdays, getting gifts, ferrying the kids everywhere. Wonder is he has ever even sent a card or is the mental load still on you @MardiMoo

Does he cook, clean, food shop, iron, change the beds etc etc and the 1000s of little jobs SAH mums do?

Trying2understand · 02/07/2023 22:15

I think a very real heart to heart that you understand his anxiety but need him to contribute financially with a set amount that would be ideal to take the pressure off. For example, maybe he needs to bring in 750 pcm and take on more of the house work responsibilities too. Point out how this will benefit all of you - holidays, retirement savings etc.

Cyclebabble · 02/07/2023 22:15

Hi OP. From personal experience beware. My shortly to be ex DH did exactly the same thing. Unilaterally stopped working and stopped at home with the kids. When they went back to school he said he would get work, but it had to be the right job. Well guess what, the right job never turned up. I loved him and I put up with this and taking most of the load. He also understood how to push the buttons. Blaming me for example for not spending enough time with the kids on multiple occasions- well here is the the thing, someone has to pay the mortgage and the bills.

In out 50s he walked out. He is a bit older than me and is now able to take half of everything I have earned- half the house, half the savings only I paid for and half my pension- he has never earned or paid for one. It has been a terrible shock for me but let my position be a lesson. If he goes west as the kids get older he can take quite a nice life at your expense and leave you with a substantially reduced standard of living in retirement.

TooOldForThisNonsense · 02/07/2023 22:29

He’s a lazy cocklodger. Bin him off

BluebellBlueballs · 02/07/2023 22:34

I had this with my DH

He had some rental income from his former flat, but that was supposed to be family money not his sole income.
In the end I told him to get a job or we were going to marriage counselling

Plus had Alexa play the song 'nothing going on but the rent, you gotta have a J O B if you want to be with me' every morning at breakfast time.

That worked. He's got agency work now but he has got a job.

LadyGaGasPokerFace · 02/07/2023 22:39

Apart from SAHP being agreed, the kids are 8 and 10, so old enough to be in breakfast and after school clubs for him to go back to work. He has no bloody excuse.

TheLette · 02/07/2023 22:40

I had this recently with my partner but only for about 10 months. He didn't pass probation somewhere - to be honest I'm not sure who would have done, the place sounded awful - and it really affected his mental health. He liked being a stay at home dad. But we kept our toddler in nursery, as he kept promising to get a job so we wanted to keep the place. Anyway I didn't want all the financial burden either and eventually lost my sh*t, told him I wasn't paying for nursery or the personal trainer he loves seeing anymore, unless he got a job. He did, and now loves his new job. Took quite a lot of work to give him the confidence to start working again, so keep at it.

On the downside our house is a tip, doing the school run is impossible and my to do list is neverending but at least we have more money 😐

Appleblossompetal · 02/07/2023 22:46

Does he do the housework and take on most of the cognitive load for running the home and raising a family?

If no, give him an ultimatum, because he’s a passenger. If yes, I think that’s a different conversation.

Ep1cfail · 02/07/2023 22:47

Tell him he needs to work on his MH with a view to get a job. He needs to be proactive and demonstrate a will to change. I would have told him to fuck off when he quit his job without discussion.

I'm a SAHP. I have 2 under 5. Your kids are both in full time education presumably with access to wrap around care. They don't need him at home all day.

ForTheSakeOfThePenguin · 02/07/2023 22:49

Emilia35 · 25/06/2023 01:34

Why is it okay for a woman to be a SAHP but not a man?

If you were a man posting this people would definitely not be telling you to leave your wife. Could he go back to work part time to ease the financial burden if you cannot afford to live on one income? Have you tried discussing this with him? The lack of intimacy is a different issue.

It is not really that ok, but is a comfortable position for the one who is provided for.

I think the main difference here is that, if the OP is like the vast majority of women who work, she us still carrying the whole of the mental load and doing a lot of chores.

if her husband/partner was acting like a proper housewife, dealing with everything so OP could come and rest after a tiring day at work and just do some token chores around the house and entertain the children seldomly, then it would be ok and fair.

keeponandonandon · 02/07/2023 23:00

Emilia35 · 25/06/2023 01:34

Why is it okay for a woman to be a SAHP but not a man?

If you were a man posting this people would definitely not be telling you to leave your wife. Could he go back to work part time to ease the financial burden if you cannot afford to live on one income? Have you tried discussing this with him? The lack of intimacy is a different issue.

The children are 10 and 12 and it doesn't sound as though this was a joint agreement or OP had any say in it.

AcrossthePond55 · 02/07/2023 23:06

@MardiMoo

It's sexist to say your DH should work 'because he's a man'. It is NOT sexist to say he should work if your salary isn't enough to meet the bills and a second income is needed OR if he isn't carrying the domestic load. The same would be true for a woman SAHP. If her husband cannot make ends meet on his salary, if she's not carrying the load of the household 'duties' then she needs to go back to work. Doesn't matter how old the DC are. Life needs to be equal for both parties, regardless of their gender.

If you want to leave because he won't work, feel free to do so. No one should stay where they're unhappy. But before you do, see a good solicitor. If he's been 'at home' for three years now he could be found to be the 'primary parent' for the DC which could affect residency, maintenance, and financial settlement. Better get yourself educated and know what you may be in for before you make a move. I'm not trying to 'scare' you, just letting you know it may not be as simple as you kicking him out and keeping the children.

Viviennemary · 02/07/2023 23:16

My opinion is thst both partners need to pull their weight both financially and in running the home and childcare. If other people do it differently thats up to them. But one person taking full responsibility for one area like finances can lead to an imbalalance and resentment. Like in your situation. Its no good.

SouthLondonMum22 · 02/07/2023 23:18

ForTheSakeOfThePenguin · 02/07/2023 22:49

It is not really that ok, but is a comfortable position for the one who is provided for.

I think the main difference here is that, if the OP is like the vast majority of women who work, she us still carrying the whole of the mental load and doing a lot of chores.

if her husband/partner was acting like a proper housewife, dealing with everything so OP could come and rest after a tiring day at work and just do some token chores around the house and entertain the children seldomly, then it would be ok and fair.

Show quote history

It would only be ok and fair if both people agreed to it.

Even if he does do everything a SAHP generally does, it is absolutely fine for the person solely financially responsible for the family to say that they don't want this any more. At any time but especially at the ages of OP's children.

user1492757084 · 02/07/2023 23:28

Have real conversations when he starts talking about paying the bills.
The pay TV is not being paid, the heating during the day will be turned off, there is no money for tickets this month, we need to move to a smaller house and sell the second car unless he can pay for the registration.

Suggest that your husband returns to work three days per week at the breakfast table and discuss where that can likely be? Discuss with the children so they can put forward their ideas. Can he work at the school canteen or uniform shop or around the corner stacking shelves? ...

Backstreets · 02/07/2023 23:37

OP caught the ick from her husband wanting to be a (crap) housewife. She needs to get her ducks in a row or she’ll be paying his way for the rest of her life.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 02/07/2023 23:50

DifficultBloodyWoman · 25/06/2023 02:40

Not many parents of 10 and 12 year olds remain SAHP, especially if finances are tight.

Show quote history

This! Hardly any women are a SAHP to 10 and 12 yos. Plus, a SAHP is agreed, not just someone’s unilateral decision.

I don’t know what I’d do OP. Leave I guess, if he wouldn’t listen.

OhcantthInkofaname · 02/07/2023 23:56

Emilia35 · 25/06/2023 01:34

Why is it okay for a woman to be a SAHP but not a man?

If you were a man posting this people would definitely not be telling you to leave your wife. Could he go back to work part time to ease the financial burden if you cannot afford to live on one income? Have you tried discussing this with him? The lack of intimacy is a different issue.

It's OK for 1 person to be a stay at home parent when it's a choice the couple makes. She hasn't been allowed to discuss this with him.

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 03/07/2023 00:24

MardiMoo · 25/06/2023 10:44

@continentallentil - he previously worked at an investment bank.

Burn out?