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AIBU?

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Original poster

Refuses to work

322 replies

MardiMoo · 25/06/2023 01:13

I have a husband, married for 15 years, who just refuses to work. That’s the simplest way I can put it. DP had some anxiety issues during Covid, which I understand, but has not worked for over 3 years now. Takes good care of the kids (12 and 10) and cooks (not particularly well) for us, but also loves to watch sports too and follows a couple of minor sports and leagues with a passion that we haven’t experienced for years. No sex or even physical touch in several years. The financial stress is all on me and it’s killing me…it was never meant to be like this, but as soon as I raise the topic of the bills or costs, DP is super-defensive and much prefers to question me about when I will pay the bills or our various costs. Total expectation that I pay all - I should have pushed-back years ago I know. Suggestions or advice needed (no wrong answers) 😓

OP posts:
Freefall212 · 03/07/2023 00:31

His staying home is what is allowing you to pursue your job and career. You are supposed to be grateful and realize you have it so easy and he is the one who sacrificed everything. Financial stress on a breadwinner is a myth that only is allowed to be spoken about when it is a woman. Men are expected to take on all that pressure and stress and never complain and only ever appreciate their SAH wives for how amazing they are for caring for the kids and if they cook great. Remember a SAHP is not a cook or a chef or a cleaner or a maid.

user1477391263 · 03/07/2023 01:02

Why is it okay for a woman to be a SAHP but not a man?

If you were a man posting this people would definitely not be telling you to leave your wife.

I don't think is true at all. MN tends quite strongly towards "mothers working as a norm," and I don't think someone on here choosing to be a housewife when her kids are 10 and 12, money is tight and her partner wants her to get a job, would get much sympathy.

MotherBot · 03/07/2023 01:44

The SAH parent bit falls down when it’s no longer a partnership, whichever way around it is.

Two choices for me here: either you believe it’s worth saving and you issue an ultimatum that includes him bringing in an income and you’ll support him getting help if you believe his mental health is the root cause, or you finish it now and have one less person to support and feel the pressure to provide for.

It’s tough when you feel someone has so little regard for your own stresses that it kills the love you feel for them. You have to decide if that’s ’really him’ and therefore which way you go.
Good luck OP.

ForTheSakeOfThePenguin · 03/07/2023 02:44

SouthLondonMum22 · 02/07/2023 23:18

It would only be ok and fair if both people agreed to it.

Even if he does do everything a SAHP generally does, it is absolutely fine for the person solely financially responsible for the family to say that they don't want this any more. At any time but especially at the ages of OP's children.

Show quote history

Totally agree with that

MissTrip82 · 03/07/2023 04:24

Every family divides up the dual parenting responsibilities of hands on care and providing financially in a different way. It doesn’t much matter how, but is always needs to be negotiated.

If the current division isn’t working for one, it isn’t working for the family.

Goldbar · 03/07/2023 05:22

I'd leave because regardless of the working/not working issue, it sounds like your relationship is dead in the water.

You don't have to stay with someone because you pity them or in some way feel responsible for them. A relationship is not a prison sentence. If you don't feel that he cares about you, you feel that you're no longer a true partnership or you're no longer attracted to him, then you are allowed to leave.

Aggielera · 03/07/2023 05:37

So he supported you to work pt while the kids were small?
He has mental health issues (which most people don’t seem to believe).

It sounds like your marriage is shit tbh. I’d work on separating, but not because he’s a lazy sod and you don’t respect men who don’t work.

I’m also shocked at some of these comments. It’s no wonder we’re hardly making great strides towards equality.

peachicecream · 03/07/2023 06:00

MardiMoo · 25/06/2023 10:43

I know that I have probably become a sexist and sound like I judge men differently to other women. But doesn’t society? And he says that I am a sexist too. But the reality is that we have so many couple friends where the woman does not work and nobody thinks that is odd or even comments. And knowing some of the ladies involved, they wouldn’t have accepted it any other way - I don’t think there was a balanced negotiation about it. So maybe my view that a man should work are outdated, but I am not he only one that holds them I am sure.

At the end of the day, you feel how you feel.

There are also plenty of men who don't want to be with a woman who doesn't work. My DH would really struggle with the idea of me saying I don't ever want to work again, as it would put a huge amount of pressure on him.

There is a difference between sexism and what you want/ need in your personal situation. Don't be so quick to label yourself, just think abour what you need in a partner. Supporting a partner who stays at home and watches sport all day is not an appealing prospect for many people... and a 10 and 12 year old don't really need a SAHP.

Goldbar · 03/07/2023 06:47

There is a world of difference between being a SAHP to small children in need of constant care and attention and not working when you have older school age children who are much more independent. The two situations are just not comparable.

I know a few SAHMs who have been at home with small children and are not hurrying back to work now that their children are school-age and they are open about seeing this as their "down time" after years of sleepless nights and 24/7 running after tinies.

CM1897 · 03/07/2023 06:55

Emilia35 · 25/06/2023 01:34

Why is it okay for a woman to be a SAHP but not a man?

If you were a man posting this people would definitely not be telling you to leave your wife. Could he go back to work part time to ease the financial burden if you cannot afford to live on one income? Have you tried discussing this with him? The lack of intimacy is a different issue.

The children are 10 and 12 years old, in full time education. No one needs to be a stay at home parent when their children are that age, unless both parents want it that way/agree to it. And only if financially viable. Otherwise it’s just laziness

Beautiful3 · 03/07/2023 06:58

I'm a sahp but that was agreed because of financial reasons. We've agreed for me to go back to work when the youngest is at secondary school. Your husband hasn't agreed any if this with you, at all. Can you suggest he finds a part time job, to ease him back into work? Even buying a petrol mower, and cutting neighbours grass for money would be good.

Ohpleeeease · 03/07/2023 06:58

I would expect a SAHP to be responsible for everything domestic, to cook proper meals and ensure the home was running smoothly. If he wants to do it on a part time, half hearted basis, he needs some additional paid employment to fill the gaps.

Spirallingdownwards · 03/07/2023 07:28

If he was formerly an investment banker I assume he will have a decent pension and investments etc so if you were to separate there would be money/equity in property to split etc.

I don't think it's so much a case of being sexist but of grieving the loss of the ambitious man you once had and the expectation of how life was/was going to be for the man who is drifting without apparent purpose and the life you have been left with.

Although you say it was covid that started the change in work ethic and situation you mentioned that there was no sex prior to that even. Have you ever addressee why that was?

Joey2323 · 03/07/2023 07:31

Hi. I’m a SAHM. I used to work in a high flying job but during covid my health deteriorated to the point where I had to stop. I do all the housework, and cooking, and manage DCs 10 and 12. DH is now putting pressure on me to get a new job. He says I’m lazy and need to contribute. Who is BU?

see what you look like, OP.

Joey2323 · 03/07/2023 07:32

Oh, and DH is always complaining we never have sex any more (cue MN cries of chauvinism and porn addiction)

Sg16 · 03/07/2023 07:34

Because the children are 10 and 12, they’re not babies

MelroseGrainger · 03/07/2023 07:38

Emilia35 · 25/06/2023 01:34

Why is it okay for a woman to be a SAHP but not a man?

If you were a man posting this people would definitely not be telling you to leave your wife. Could he go back to work part time to ease the financial burden if you cannot afford to live on one income? Have you tried discussing this with him? The lack of intimacy is a different issue.

He’s not a SAHP to two small under-school-age children for one thing. They’re almost teenagers! And he hasn’t been a SAHP for all his children’s lives and is now struggling to adjust to getting back to paid working life. He decided during the pandemic he’d rather not work. And so he hasn’t worked since then. That’s a COMPLETELY different thing, as you well know. And being a SAHP needs to be agreed between both partners, with the financial strains taken into consideration. It’s clear that she doesn’t agree to this at all.

Softoprider · 03/07/2023 07:44

He is not a stay at home parent. He is a parent who quit his job. There is a massive difference. No discussion, no joint decision.
He does not have the right to question OP about bill paying.
He quit his job

Lazy

Sceptre86 · 03/07/2023 07:48

For me love is about empathy. So if my dh could see me struggling but didn't help then that's where I would reconsider our relationship. It could be struggling for example doing all night feeds and not helping or in your situation seeing you struggle to make ends meet. A partner should share the load. Anyone who adds to it without helping is to me a dead weight and I wouldn't want to be shackled to someone taking me under with them.

You need to have a sit down chat about this. Send the kids to grandparents if possible or when they are out with friends. Be calm, think about it before and make a mental list of the points ypu wantvto discuss. Don't go straight into not respecting or loving him as he doesn't contribute financially anymore. Instead focus on the fact the kids are older and that level of care is no longer needed, that the bills are x amount and you earn y, explain the emotional toil it is having on you and that you can't put up with it longterm. Reinforce your expectations. Basically see where the conversation gets ypu, be prepared for pushback and follow through yourself.

ArcticSkewer · 03/07/2023 07:52

Do you still love him and want to stay together?

It sounds like he used to be a high earner and supported you to work part time. Now he has burnout and probably depression.

You don't have to stay. If you do, I would insist he starts working on his mental health. GP and counselling. He could work in a completely different field and rebrand it as retirement.

Milkand2sugarsplease · 03/07/2023 07:54

It depends whether he's not working because his MH isn't letting him or just because he doesn't fancy it.

If the former, you should support him to get well again and therefore be able to work again - in sickness and in health and all that.

If he genuinely just doesn't want to get a job and, as a family, you can't afford for him not to get one, you hats different entirely. If you can afford for him to be at home, then make arrangements for him to do that role "properly" and pick up all the home admin etc.

The sexist views you have aren't nice, you can't just moan at someone for staying home because they have a penis instead of boobs. And stop worrying about what other households think of him being male and staying home.

SouthLondonMum22 · 03/07/2023 07:57

Joey2323 · 03/07/2023 07:31

Hi. I’m a SAHM. I used to work in a high flying job but during covid my health deteriorated to the point where I had to stop. I do all the housework, and cooking, and manage DCs 10 and 12. DH is now putting pressure on me to get a new job. He says I’m lazy and need to contribute. Who is BU?

see what you look like, OP.

You left out the parts about the SAHP quitting their job without even a discussion and the fact that the person responsible financially is feeling that weight on their shoulders.

Seymour5 · 03/07/2023 07:58

Joey2323 · 03/07/2023 07:31

Hi. I’m a SAHM. I used to work in a high flying job but during covid my health deteriorated to the point where I had to stop. I do all the housework, and cooking, and manage DCs 10 and 12. DH is now putting pressure on me to get a new job. He says I’m lazy and need to contribute. Who is BU?

see what you look like, OP.

Depends on how your health is now? DH had a major illness in his early fifties, even after surgery he couldn’t have returned to his previous career. Depression due to health, finances ensued, and I just about kept us afloat on one income.

He volunteered for a while which helped his mental health. Eventually he found a job, it was part time, low paid, no status. But it made a difference in so many ways. I see no reason not to try.

Abreezeintheglade · 03/07/2023 08:02
Happy Birthday Party GIF by sendwishonline.com

I think I am representative of the flipped version of this. I’m a HCP who worked through one wave of Covid then had a breakdown, I then staggered through another 11 months of working during Covid and have eventually been diagnosed with PTSD from a previous trauma. I walked in one day having had a panic attack on a bus where I wanted to die. I didn’t go back to work. My partner has been supportive and has got a second job to cover my wage. I’ve had nine months where I struggled every day but did all cooking, cleaning, ironing, paperwork and childcare. All that time I have been looking for WFH jobs and recently got a part time WFH.

What is different to op’s scenario is that we discussed what we were happy with. My partner was happy working 50 weeks but didn’t want to do anything else. I felt I need a year off work so negotiations were for a year. Our relationship is ten times better now as I felt heard at my lowest times.

Abreezeintheglade · 03/07/2023 08:02

Sorry don’t know how I added a gif!!