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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Refuses to work

322 replies

MardiMoo · 25/06/2023 01:13

I have a husband, married for 15 years, who just refuses to work. That’s the simplest way I can put it. DP had some anxiety issues during Covid, which I understand, but has not worked for over 3 years now. Takes good care of the kids (12 and 10) and cooks (not particularly well) for us, but also loves to watch sports too and follows a couple of minor sports and leagues with a passion that we haven’t experienced for years. No sex or even physical touch in several years. The financial stress is all on me and it’s killing me…it was never meant to be like this, but as soon as I raise the topic of the bills or costs, DP is super-defensive and much prefers to question me about when I will pay the bills or our various costs. Total expectation that I pay all - I should have pushed-back years ago I know. Suggestions or advice needed (no wrong answers) 😓

OP posts:
Nordicrain · 03/07/2023 10:18

Emilia35 · 25/06/2023 01:34

Why is it okay for a woman to be a SAHP but not a man?

If you were a man posting this people would definitely not be telling you to leave your wife. Could he go back to work part time to ease the financial burden if you cannot afford to live on one income? Have you tried discussing this with him? The lack of intimacy is a different issue.

It's not ok for anyone - man or woman -be be a SAHP against the their partner's will.

TedMullins · 03/07/2023 10:18

Nobody should unilaterally decide they’ll be a SAHP and quit their job without telling their partner, forcing the partner to become sole earner, regardless of sex. OP seems to think this would be fine if she was male and be was female though! If a man posted this about a female partner I think most would be on his side save for a few dissenters who’ll do mental gymnastics to make literally anything a man’s fault. Like a PP said a 10 and 12 year old don’t need a SAHP.

Bananarepublic · 03/07/2023 10:19

Softoprider · 03/07/2023 10:07

How is he looking after his wife by letting her be run ragged. He isn't taking any responsibility for either his mental health or hers and yet you expect her to look after both of their mental heath. Usual double standards.

@Bananarepublic Where the hell did I say this?

You said people should look after each other, while suggesting to the OP only that she should look after him. I was pointing out the double standards.

LeatherSkirt82 · 03/07/2023 10:28

Joey2323 · 03/07/2023 07:31

Hi. I’m a SAHM. I used to work in a high flying job but during covid my health deteriorated to the point where I had to stop. I do all the housework, and cooking, and manage DCs 10 and 12. DH is now putting pressure on me to get a new job. He says I’m lazy and need to contribute. Who is BU?

see what you look like, OP.

OP still looks better than the SAHP in this scenario. SAHP works if both have agreed to it (not if one quit without discussing it with partner) and if they can afford it on one salary without running working partner into an early grave.

It could also work if one gets a medical sign off (as in diagnosed and verified by doctors that they can't work) - but it does NOT work if one just decides work is too much pressure and they don't want to deal with it, without giving their partner a chance to discuss this and putting them in a 'my way or highway' situation.

BobShark · 03/07/2023 10:32

Totally unfair of him to just decide not to work.

To the PP saying, maybe he has depression, long covid, burnout, it's been 3 years, what's the plan.

I have long covid, and was diagnosed with severe depression a few months ago, I'm a single parent, I haven't had a day off in 6 months bar a couple of school holiday days each holidays, so not a single day for myself.

I cannot let things slip at work because there's no safety net for me.

At this point you need to have a sit down conversation to discuss what the plan is because this is unsustainable for you.

If he has no plan, cancel all luxuries relating to his hobbies and sports and channel the money into some self care for yourself. Start running your home as though you are a single parent, if he isn't considering you, then you needn't consider him in anything.

Highdaysandholidays1 · 03/07/2023 10:32

He's had a few years to decompress after what sounds like a very high flying and stressful career. A discussion needs to be had about a) whether he's still depressed, or anxious about returning to work and what is going to happen treatment-wise or therapy-wise about that and b) how he sees the future panning out with only one wage, diminished pensions, vulnerability (as you might get ill) and c) his unilateral declaration he's not working which isn't ok in a marriage.

This can't be solved by the odd remark and him being defensive, it's a sit down, can we stay together type of conversation that will be hard all round but has to happen.

Highdaysandholidays1 · 03/07/2023 10:33

@BobShark same here, lone parent, had Long Covid, nearly lost my job but now just soldiering on, no safety net so no chance someone else is going to support me to potter about.

2catsandhappy · 03/07/2023 10:44

Re-read @Cyclebabble 's warning. If that does not send chills down your spine and prompt you to take firm action, I really do not know what will.
Ultimatum time. No 2nd chances, as he is behaving like a teenaage boy. Tough love.

footballdramas · 03/07/2023 10:58

Definitely time to take action, he can't stay out of the workforce for too long or he won't get back in and hanging round the house for years is not good for him or you.
It's not sexist to expect both parties to bring something to the table. I was technically a SAHM but I always kept a little bit of money coming in through freelance work and am so glad i did now that the kids are older or I wouldn't have a career to go back to once they don't really need me.
He needs to brush himself off and get working again and if he can't do that he needs to find out what's stopping him. First port of call GP.

footballdramas · 03/07/2023 11:04

@Maryc279 Me and my partner both have good jobs, we both earn about 150k a year and my OH also owns two properties he bought before we met (he is 10 years older than me) which generate an income.

Love how you slip in not just the fact that you're highly paid but also your partner's two investment properties that "both generate an income".

Really unhelpful boasting on a thread about a woman who is working hard to support her family with zero help from her DH.

Mikimoto · 03/07/2023 11:10

MardiMoo · 25/06/2023 10:00

Yes - we’re married and have been for 15 years.

I actually took the view of the poster who said that we often see women be SAH…but I my views have shifted over the last years and I can’t use that logic to pay for the electricity after all. It’s just different for men not working v women not working.

maybe it’s about respect…harder to respect a man that doesn’t work than a women that SAH…

either way, something has to give…

Are you Doris Day from the 1950s?

Grimchmas · 03/07/2023 11:12

You don't just become a SAHP and give up your job with no discussion or agreement with your partner.
Then refuse to talk to them about it. Shocking behaviour. Id say the same if it was a woman.

Quoted from another poster because its worth repeating.

He's decided to become a cocklodger. He thinks OP will just have to put up with it.

BobShark · 03/07/2023 11:17

@Highdaysandholidays1 sorry you're having a tough time, but these posts infuriate me!

If OP is telling her husband it's getting too much, he should be forming a plan to support her, whether that be part time work, or if needed a career change, it will be the 'no end in sight' part of this that's crushing the OP.

What happens when she reaches burnout, or is that only for high flying men?

I think the problem here is that it's not a mutual decision, if he said I need six months now to find and new job, and in the meantime I will ensure you don't need to do XYZ and can get some rest each week by me doing these things on the weekend I'm super the OP would happily agree.

RGN007 · 03/07/2023 11:22

There's an assumption here, that he feels he can communicate and be listened to. Sometimes a job can be so overwhelming, even life can seem too much to bear. No two people are the same. Even many health professionals don't get it.

RGN007 · 03/07/2023 11:24

He might actually need support and be lovely guy.

FeeFiFoFumble · 03/07/2023 11:29

I'm a SAHM but that was something my DH and I agreed would be the case in advance. You can't just become a SAHP without both parties agreeing to it first, surely?! I mean, if our circumstances changed and we needed a more money coming in, I'd obviously go back to work. I'm only a SAHM because that's what we both wanted me to be. It's not me refusing to work. That's just weird.

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 03/07/2023 11:35

Joey2323 · 03/07/2023 07:31

Hi. I’m a SAHM. I used to work in a high flying job but during covid my health deteriorated to the point where I had to stop. I do all the housework, and cooking, and manage DCs 10 and 12. DH is now putting pressure on me to get a new job. He says I’m lazy and need to contribute. Who is BU?

see what you look like, OP.

YABU. You do not get to decide to give up work and put the entire financial burden on your DH. Especially without his blessing. Thats not how you behave in a loving, equal partnership. You need to start looking at what you can do before your DH starts to sink too. Where would you family be then?

Alleycat1 · 03/07/2023 11:35

Bottom line is it is not financially viable for OP's DH to be a SAHP, ergo it is time for him to sort himself out and bring something to the table.

Lucyh999 · 03/07/2023 11:36

Emilia35 · 25/06/2023 01:34

Why is it okay for a woman to be a SAHP but not a man?

If you were a man posting this people would definitely not be telling you to leave your wife. Could he go back to work part time to ease the financial burden if you cannot afford to live on one income? Have you tried discussing this with him? The lack of intimacy is a different issue.

You seem to be missing the point. It’s not a problem for a man to be a SAHP but that’s not what they have agreed and she is saying she can’t bear the financial burden and their relationship isn’t working. Did you miss all that?!

Lucyh999 · 03/07/2023 11:40

Mikimoto · 03/07/2023 11:10

Are you Doris Day from the 1950s?

Show quote history

I’m not sure Doris Day would have thought like that 😂 she was a very forward thinking, intelligent woman

Charlieiscool · 03/07/2023 11:55

As a poster said before, he doesn’t even like you much less care about you. He isn’t interested in the effect of his laziness on you. I really think you need to see a lawyer and whatever a divorce costs you, it means you’ll be free of this cocklodger who incidentally doesn’t ever even touch you.

FuckTheLemonsandBail · 03/07/2023 12:26

user1477391263 · 03/07/2023 08:53

Hi. I’m a SAHM. I used to work in a high flying job but during covid my health deteriorated to the point where I had to stop. I do all the housework, and cooking, and manage DCs 10 and 12. DH is now putting pressure on me to get a new job. He says I’m lazy and need to contribute. Who is BU?

see what you look like, OP.

Oh bollocks.

If a woman on here said the above, I'd say exactly what I'd say to a man in the same position: You need to get some help towards improving on your mental health issues, which probably means some professional intervention but it also almost certainly means getting a job of some kind.

That could mean something in the same line of work but much shorter hours and better work-life balance. Or it could mean reskilling and then going into a different field. Worse case scenario, maybe it means just going in and doing table-waiting or cleaning-and-bedmaking in a hotel during the day for a certain number of hours. Or if he wants to retrain but OP feels some cash in hand would be handy right now, maybe a mixture - do some part time study while also getting a part time job at something or other. But he needs to do something.

I'm constantly seeing posts on here about someone (a partner, an adult child, etc.) who is just failing to launch, not working, not doing anything with their life, and mental health is mentioned in the background, and always you get the posters saying THIS PERSON IS ILL THEY HAVE MENTAL HEALTH PROBLEMS YOU CAN'T EXPECT THEM TO WORK. It's like they actually believe that "If a person has mental health issues, clearly the thing they should be doing is drifting aimlessly through their life, avoiding social interactions with other adults, messing about all day, doing nothing that gives them any sense of pride or accomplishment, watching way too much TV, constantly staring at screens etc. This is an act of self-care and will make their mental health improve." No it bloody won't!

The irony is that one of the most effective, evidence-based treatments for depression is behavioural activation, which means becoming more active! not in an exercise sense but in an activities sense, figuring out your values and acting in line with them, doing stuff even if you don't feel like it, acting according to a plan rather than to your internal feelings.

I think the drive to be more compassionate and understanding towards mental health problems has tipped over a little into people mistakenly thinking that if they have anxiety or depression the solution is to do nothing unless you want to and that because you have those issues it's unreasonable for anyone to expect you to do anything productive because it's apparently impossible to do so.

And yes, I've experienced episodic, severe depression, that was hell on earth. Sitting around and doing nothing wasn't an option and I'm glad it wasn't because on the occasions I've done that for a short while (a week off or whatever) it has made me much, much worse.

Softoprider · 03/07/2023 12:29

@Bananarepublic

Go back and read my post you numpty not the quote at the top said by another poster

Singlespies · 03/07/2023 12:30

My ex husband started doing less and less work as the children grew up. But unfortunately didn't then do more stuff at home. It was just exhausting and I could see this going on for ever.

We divorced and he was keen to have as much time with the children as me, do we split assets 50/50 with no child maintenance changing hands.

I have more time and money. I probably still do more with the children, but can look forward to a retirement.

I used to think that he would retire early (he is a bit older) and expect me to carry working to support him.

He obviously now has to work, but every two years he has a new girlfriend who is happy to serve him for a couple of years!

Mix56 · 03/07/2023 13:01

Well apart from not respecting him anymore,
he left you unilaterally responsible for the finances including paying for him to be out at the Gym/Golf whatever, everyday & enjoying playing on the console in between doing bits of laundry.
This is not being a SAHP, the children are out.
He moved the goal posts.
You are struggling with the responsibility of the financial load,
You did not sign up for this.
I would say he had left you to provide for the family, & you are not earning enough to cover comfortably the outgoings
Its nothing to do with being sexist, the other couples you know may have younger kids, higher income or less outgoings, they probably decided mutually
whether man or woman, they did not find themselves in a role they were not consulted about or asked if they could cope alone

Starting immediately, the gym sub, & all the other extras need financing by him. He needs to get a job, or he can move out