Refuses to work

[MardiMoo]

I have a husband, married for 15 years, who just refuses to work. That’s the simplest way I can put it. DP had some anxiety issues during Covid, which I understand, but has not worked for over 3 years now. Takes good care of the kids (12 and 10) and cooks (not particularly well) for us, but also loves to watch sports too and follows a couple of minor sports and leagues with a passion that we haven’t experienced for years. No sex or even physical touch in several years. The financial stress is all on me and it’s killing me…it was never meant to be like this, but as soon as I raise the topic of the bills or costs, DP is super-defensive and much prefers to question me about when I will pay the bills or our various costs. Total expectation that I pay all - I should have pushed-back years ago I know. Suggestions or advice needed (no wrong answers) 😓

Yawn.

If this was a SAHM with primary aged children refusing to work when the family is financially struggling while indulging her hobby she'd get her arse absolutely handed to her.

My son behaves a bit like that, but he does get paid disability after his diagnosis of autism. Just a thought from things you mentioned, anxiety, touch, focus on one interest to an almost obsessive degree. My son will have a logical argument to anything to help him stay in his comfort zone.

https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/autism/signs/adults/

Hi

You need to work on your mental health and get into a position where you can get back to work. It may not be the same career - think laterally - but you can't let things continue as they are. Reach out to your GP for support. Look for counselling. Step up

You judge him for being a sahp but also say lots of friends wives do it and no-one bats an eyelid.

You say he burnt out during covid and was an investment banker so previously would have contributed a huge salary.

Approach this a different way, say you understand he is burnt out and sounds very low and suggest doctors/counselling/therapy to move forward. Treat the underlying issues first.

Assuming you love him of course and that your love for him wasn't only on condition of being an investment banker with the status and funds.

The fact he quit without telling you is shocking lack of respect for your relationship
Unless theres more mental health issues than he's letting on why does he assume you should carry the load.
I think your plan is a fair one might be time for an ultimatum given the other relationship issues

This. And rightly so. I've seen it time and time again. Once your kids are school-age there's really no excuse not to find some work to bring money in, unless both parties are happy with the existing arrangement.

It's not okay to just expect one partner to fund the entire family indefinitely unless both of you are truly happy with that arrangement.

Being a SAHP is a worthy job, nobody would deny that, but it's not a get out of work in perpetuity card. I can never get my head around these people who feel no sense of pride at bringing in money to feed and clothe and house their kids and are content to leave it to someone else.

Bitchy as hell.

She hasn't said she wants him to go back to being an investment banker, just to make some kind of contribution. It's not women's responsibility to get men to look after their health. They have to do it themselves.

We have to stop with the idea that women have to look after men's physical, mental and emotional wellbeing. Men have to do that for themselves the way women have for millennia.

"We have to stop with the idea that women have to look after men's physical, mental and emotional wellbeing. Men have to do that for themselves the way women have for millennia."

If you are with someone surely you look after each other?

Get the divorce started now OP. One day you will regret every day you spent with this loser.
He gives you nothing you need not even a love life.
You don't just become a SAHP and give up your job with no discussion or agreement with your partner.
Then refuse to talk to them about it. Shocking behaviour. Id say the same if it was a woman.

It does sound like he might be depressed. I don't know how you go about getting someone to recognise that and get help. Not sure you can tbh. I've had two DPs who behaved like yours, and both of them ended the relationship. Awful at the time but I'm hugely grateful in retrospect. At the time, I believed I should stick by them through their MH issues. I've paid for counselling and couples therapy. Useful if expensive for me, water off a duck's back for them.

There were no red flags. Both men were hardworking, apparently sorted, decent people when I met them, and I knew both for years. It's the luck of the draw. You can't anticipate or fix everything in life.

My only advice would be to start thinking about life without him, how that might look and most of all, how you might arrange things best for DC.

PS Loving @Abreezeintheglade's random gif😄

Hi. I’m a SAHM. I used to work in a high flying job but during covid my health deteriorated to the point where I had to stop. I do all the housework, and cooking, and manage DCs 10 and 12. DH is now putting pressure on me to get a new job. He says I’m lazy and need to contribute. Who is BU?

see what you look like, OP.

Oh bollocks.

If a woman on here said the above, I'd say exactly what I'd say to a man in the same position: You need to get some help towards improving on your mental health issues, which probably means some professional intervention but it also almost certainly means getting a job of some kind.

That could mean something in the same line of work but much shorter hours and better work-life balance. Or it could mean reskilling and then going into a different field. Worse case scenario, maybe it means just going in and doing table-waiting or cleaning-and-bedmaking in a hotel during the day for a certain number of hours. Or if he wants to retrain but OP feels some cash in hand would be handy right now, maybe a mixture - do some part time study while also getting a part time job at something or other. But he needs to do something.

I'm constantly seeing posts on here about someone (a partner, an adult child, etc.) who is just failing to launch, not working, not doing anything with their life, and mental health is mentioned in the background, and always you get the posters saying THIS PERSON IS ILL THEY HAVE MENTAL HEALTH PROBLEMS YOU CAN'T EXPECT THEM TO WORK. It's like they actually believe that "If a person has mental health issues, clearly the thing they should be doing is drifting aimlessly through their life, avoiding social interactions with other adults, messing about all day, doing nothing that gives them any sense of pride or accomplishment, watching way too much TV, constantly staring at screens etc. This is an act of self-care and will make their mental health improve." No it bloody won't!

A shape, regardless the sex, is something that happens because the couple jointly decide that is what will work best for the family.

It should never be something one person decides and tells the other basically nah I'm not working you take care of the bills.

It's not being a sahp that's wrong. It's it not being a joint decision that's wrong.

When he attempts to silence you with cries of sexism, that's the argument you need to be making .

I hope the talk goes well.

Shape - sahp

So, the pack of desire for work and the lack of sex would point to depression.

But the lack of any physical touch, no hugs or kisses I'm guessing, makes me wonder if he even likes you. Especially when you take into consideration that he's not looking to lighten your burden, on the contrary, add to it. It seems he feels it's right you should pay for everything and struggle (he turns the conversation around asking when are you going to pay the bills), is he harbouring some resentment towards women in general? Especially seeing the other SAHMs in your friend group?
My pure speculation is that you both share the same outdated views and it was probably part of the initial attraction and compatibility but now he's becoming resentful towards this and he's taking it out on you, because you naturally represent that being the woman in his life.

My suggestion going forward is for him to seek individual help for his mental health and also for both of you to go to marriage counseling (which would probably be doable if he stops getting money for his hobby, Relate tend to be cheaper). At the very least the first part. If not, see a solicitor.

Can I just add that he also could retrain for a different job/career or he could turn his obsession for football into some sort of an income or at least a productive activity, by volunteering to coach, training to coach, content creation about football (if he's good at it, it will make him money eventually; he could at least try), those are also reasons I'm guessing some resentment.

pack- *lack

@Emilia35 TBF does anyone today think it's okay to be a SAHP to a 10 and 12 year old (assuming no SEN), when there are money issues in play?

You can't be serious i could kind of understand your point until you mentioned he's less respected than a woman for not working. OP he's been out of work for the past 3 out of 15 years, im assuming that the first 12 years he worked for a lot of them. No he doesn't really need to be a stay at home parent with the kids being older and it wouldn't hurt him to find even part time work around the school hours but he does at least cook and he's there for the kids whilst you're working during the hours after school. Im finding it sexist and unfair of you to pick at what he does bring to the table. Tell him if you can't afford the financial burden alone and help encourage his strengths rather than slate off his efforts at home. Were you the stay at home parent before the kids were in full time education?

Me and my partner both have good jobs, we both earn about 150k a year and my OH also owns two properties he bought before we met (he is 10 years older than me) which generate an income. We now have a 2 yo and another one on the way. My OH is reducing his hours to 3 days a week and if that isn't sufficient for us to achieve some sort of a calm in our crazy lives he will quit altogether for a few years. I like my job more than he does and I also feel, given he is older than me (ie. has worked more) and contributes extra in the way on income from the properties he bought himself it seems like the obvious option for him to be the one to reduce hours or stop working. I think you should genuinely try to challenge yourself on the double standards you are generally applying to men and women not working - you are right to say that society holds the same sexist double standards but you have the option to try and do better.

All that being said, I don't think your partner has behaved at all reasonably. Mainly due to the way he seems to approach all this. Who works and doesn't work is a joint decision and it's important. The topic deserves ongoing dialogue and both parties should be able to express their dissatisfaction with the status quo. He is not supporting you in the way you need and it's negatively impacting you. That, to me, is the real crux of the matter. Is it possible he needs some mental health support? Has he lost his confidence? It can he hard for people (especially men, in our society) to take a step down from their previously held jobs and still feel 'worthy' of their place in society. Is he 'hiding' at home rather than face a professional environment again? I can imagine it's hard because you now (reasonably) feel let down by this man but you need to be able to have an open conversation with him about his feelings and yours. He needs to understand it's critical, not because you want a man to look after you, but because you want a partnership. Unfortunately it doesn't sound like you have a partnership at the moment.

Good luck!

You have my sympathy (as someone who managed frontline teams during Covid) but I doubt OP's DH had anything like the same gutwrenching experiences as you in the world of investment banking.

OP, it sounds like ultimatum time. He either looks for a job, applies for PIP if his anxiety is so debilitating he genuinely can't work (I highly doubt he'd get it based on what you say, but if he claims he's so ill as to prevent him from taking on even PT work in three years, he arguably should be submitting a claim) or he leaves.

Hi. I’m a SAHM. I used to work in a high flying job but during covid my health deteriorated to the point where I had to stop. I do all the housework, and cooking, and manage DCs 10 and 12. DH is now putting pressure on me to get a new job. He says I’m lazy and need to contribute. Who is BU?

see what you look like, OP.

You missed the where you unilaterally decided that you are now retired and the kids who presumably didn't need a SAHP before now must conveniently need one so that you have a role in the home. Maybe your DH didn't actually mind doing his share of the domestic load and isn't coping with the whole financial load on his own as well as he coped with afterschool club pick ups and loading the dishwasher.

That's why you have to discuss and agree before you change the terms of a partnership.

Men are never told that they have to sort out women's health the way it happens in reverse.

How is he looking after his wife by letting her be run ragged. He isn't taking any responsibility for either his mental health or hers and yet you expect her to look after both of their mental heath. Usual double standards.

What banana said.

I have not read the full thread so might be repeating other posters.

The sexism is a distraction - yes you are being a bit sexist. So you should leave that out of any and all conversations.

Do not cut off his access to spending on hobbies (unless it is beyond your financial limits as a family)...that's financial abuse. If needed, set a budget.

Cutting through all the other stuff, there are two separate issues you need to raise.
1 - this was not a joint decision. You gave it a whirl, it doesn't work for you, it's burning you out. Why does he get to be the SAHP? What if you want to cut back your working hours? He needs to step up and contribute financially.
2 - the lack of intimacy is really a topic all on it's own. Has this marriage run its course, or can it be fixed?

Both conversations need to be had, sooner rather than later.

Do not let him turn this on you (counter accusations) or muddy the waters with other issues - sit with pencil and paper, and write down topics for future conversations so he feels 'heard', and then steer it back to these two topics first, as they are likely the most important ones.

How is he looking after his wife by letting her be run ragged. He isn't taking any responsibility for either his mental health or hers and yet you expect her to look after both of their mental heath. Usual double standards.

@Bananarepublic Where the hell did I say this?

I used to know a woman whose husband had been in the forces, he took retirement (still pretty young) supposedly to work in the field for which he'd been trained. However he never worked again, just stayed at home and did a little bit of housework and cooking, usually picking up the boys from school but really not doing much at all, certainly not as much as a typical SAHM.

This continued even when the boys were at secondary school and eventually, when the boys got to the university and college stage their mother suggested that he go back to work - he simply didn't want to, was perfectly happy lolling about at home all day doing nothing, which was essentially what he'd been doing for a long time. They're now divorced.