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AIBU?

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Original poster

Refuses to work

322 replies

MardiMoo · 25/06/2023 01:13

I have a husband, married for 15 years, who just refuses to work. That’s the simplest way I can put it. DP had some anxiety issues during Covid, which I understand, but has not worked for over 3 years now. Takes good care of the kids (12 and 10) and cooks (not particularly well) for us, but also loves to watch sports too and follows a couple of minor sports and leagues with a passion that we haven’t experienced for years. No sex or even physical touch in several years. The financial stress is all on me and it’s killing me…it was never meant to be like this, but as soon as I raise the topic of the bills or costs, DP is super-defensive and much prefers to question me about when I will pay the bills or our various costs. Total expectation that I pay all - I should have pushed-back years ago I know. Suggestions or advice needed (no wrong answers) 😓

OP posts:
19lottie82 · 25/06/2023 01:14

Leave him

Thedogscollar · 25/06/2023 01:27

Sounds dreadful tbh OP. Its not much of a marriage as you seem responsible for everything, it's all on you.
Why can't he return to work? What was his previous job? I'd be having a serious conversation that this cannot continue and he will have to contribute financially.
The lack of intimacy as well is sad. You seem to be getting absolutely nothing out of this marriage whilst he is happy being carried by you and providing you with mediocre cooking.
Yeah I think I'd be looking for an exit on this one.

Emilia35 · 25/06/2023 01:34

Why is it okay for a woman to be a SAHP but not a man?

If you were a man posting this people would definitely not be telling you to leave your wife. Could he go back to work part time to ease the financial burden if you cannot afford to live on one income? Have you tried discussing this with him? The lack of intimacy is a different issue.

Cucucucu · 25/06/2023 01:43

Put an end to it . He is literally costing you money and adding nothing to your life , no sex ? Wtf 😳 no wages , no contributing ?

k1233 · 25/06/2023 02:04

SAHP is agreed. Deciding not to work and expecting your partner to carry the financial load is being a lazy ass.

I'd lay it out for him OP. He contributes financially or it's over. You can't carry the financial burden any more.

TomatoSandwiches · 25/06/2023 02:08

Just get rid of him, he can not unilaterally decide to not financially contribute without it being agreed between you both and as far as I have seen most SAHM get a rough ride on here if they are not at least part time working when the children are in full-time school hours which yours are.
He is taking the piss, he needs to get a job and pay his share or he would be gone in my house.

DifficultBloodyWoman · 25/06/2023 02:40

Emilia35 · 25/06/2023 01:34

Why is it okay for a woman to be a SAHP but not a man?

If you were a man posting this people would definitely not be telling you to leave your wife. Could he go back to work part time to ease the financial burden if you cannot afford to live on one income? Have you tried discussing this with him? The lack of intimacy is a different issue.

Not many parents of 10 and 12 year olds remain SAHP, especially if finances are tight.

Whatifthegrassisblue · 25/06/2023 02:46

Leave. The finances are all on you, so you'll actually save money. Leave him now.
FWIW, my dad didn't work due to a legitimate injury, but he didn't do much either. He was a great dad and I adore him. I'm only now realising that my sister and I both have quite lazy husbands. Hers hasn't really ever worked, mine does but has long breaks in between jobs. It occurred to me when my aunt pointed it out, and she was right. We learned that it was ok for our mum to be slogging her guts out and never complaining. Amd we are now repeating that cycle. Do it for yourself, but mostly do it for your kids. You all deserve better.

Brokendaughter · 25/06/2023 02:58

Tell him straight, he needs to contribute to the household budget, or get out of the house for good.
He is dragging the whole family down & being a bad example to his children.

When he tries to deflect by questioning you about bills being paid, turn it back on him & ask him when/how HE is going to pay them (not with your earnings).

If he is expecting you to finance him watching sports, stop.
No sky sports etc..., no tickets to a match, team shirts or whatever it is.
If he is expecting to spend money on a credit card & you clear it, stop.
Make it clear you will not pay it.
If you still do things like go out to a nice dinner together, ask him how he plans to pay for it.

He needs to earn to do the things he likes.
You never agreed to finance his life of leisure.

Betterlatethanontime · 25/06/2023 03:20

I would leave. If you can’t perhaps you could stop his access to your money. Take the air conditioning remote to work with you, cancel the internet and all streaming services. Disconnect his phone. You will save money and he won’t need to work.

azlazee1 · 25/06/2023 03:47

After 3 years I would tell him that if was not willing to contribute financially to the household then he was no longer welcome to live here. He is a user. Bet he'll find work when he has to pay his own way.

DaftyLass · 25/06/2023 03:52

I'd tell him you can't carry all the weight, and he needs to step up, or out of the way.

Poppyblush · 25/06/2023 03:54

Leave

Poppyblush · 25/06/2023 03:55

He will take 50% of your pension so sort this now

GabriellaMontez · 25/06/2023 03:55

Husband or partner?

ProfessorXtra · 25/06/2023 03:56

GabriellaMontez · 25/06/2023 03:55

Husband or partner?

This but is very important

Catsmere · 25/06/2023 04:06

So why can't he get a work from home job? Is he still claiming it's his Covid anxiety?

suburbophobe · 25/06/2023 04:10

Over.

Lazy fucker.

Get thee to a lawyer with all your papers.

Your kids will thank you. And you will too 2 years down the line.

Why have an albatross around your neck?

He will never change.

So you have to find that strength within you. You know you have it.

Fraaahnces · 25/06/2023 04:30

Patio

Yellowflower47 · 25/06/2023 04:34

You need to sit down with a list of your outgoings vs your income. He’s not a SAHP because of childcare costs, for example. He needs to understand that with your children being older, he needs to at least be working school hours to help lighten your load. As you say, other than cook and look after children outside of school hours he does nothing, so presumably you work full time then come home to all the cleaning/washing/general tidying etc etc? If so, that’s really unfair and shitty. Perhaps you suggest a role reversal because you’re exhausted and drained and see how he responds?
Regarding the intimacy, it’s hardly surprising given that you’re basically just living together and supporting him like a third child. I get that you miss that aspect of the relationship, most people would, but it’s sounds like it’s yet another consequence of this decision to not be a provider.

Thepossibility · 25/06/2023 04:52

I would be gone. Lazy dick.

Outofthepark · 25/06/2023 04:54

Emilia35 · 25/06/2023 01:34

Why is it okay for a woman to be a SAHP but not a man?

If you were a man posting this people would definitely not be telling you to leave your wife. Could he go back to work part time to ease the financial burden if you cannot afford to live on one income? Have you tried discussing this with him? The lack of intimacy is a different issue.

This isn't true. It's usually said that being a SAHP is fine if it was a genuine joint decision, and this is blatantly not. Also kids aren't toddlers where you massively save in childcare costs having a SAHP, they're almost teens! And OP is struggling to be sole breadwinner and DH is fit to work but just won't.

OP you two sound like the relationship has 100% run it's course anyway. You're two different people, no passion left, sounds just from this post that it's time to call it a day. It happens.

Nussbaum · 25/06/2023 07:14

I couldn't be with a man who refused to work. He has no self respect or pride.

Original poster
MardiMoo · 25/06/2023 10:00

Yes - we’re married and have been for 15 years.

I actually took the view of the poster who said that we often see women be SAH…but I my views have shifted over the last years and I can’t use that logic to pay for the electricity after all. It’s just different for men not working v women not working.

maybe it’s about respect…harder to respect a man that doesn’t work than a women that SAH…

either way, something has to give…

OP posts:
fancreek · 25/06/2023 10:03

MardiMoo · 25/06/2023 10:00

Yes - we’re married and have been for 15 years.

I actually took the view of the poster who said that we often see women be SAH…but I my views have shifted over the last years and I can’t use that logic to pay for the electricity after all. It’s just different for men not working v women not working.

maybe it’s about respect…harder to respect a man that doesn’t work than a women that SAH…

either way, something has to give…

I was with you till this post full of sexism