Refuses to work

[MardiMoo]

I have a husband, married for 15 years, who just refuses to work. That’s the simplest way I can put it. DP had some anxiety issues during Covid, which I understand, but has not worked for over 3 years now. Takes good care of the kids (12 and 10) and cooks (not particularly well) for us, but also loves to watch sports too and follows a couple of minor sports and leagues with a passion that we haven’t experienced for years. No sex or even physical touch in several years. The financial stress is all on me and it’s killing me…it was never meant to be like this, but as soon as I raise the topic of the bills or costs, DP is super-defensive and much prefers to question me about when I will pay the bills or our various costs. Total expectation that I pay all - I should have pushed-back years ago I know. Suggestions or advice needed (no wrong answers) 😓

The sexism is a side issue here - always comes up in the 'what if he were a wife' debate - but ultimately it's not the point. The point is he's not a SAHP - the DC are 10 and 12. He's watching sports, refusing to work, isn't a partner in any loving intimate way, and doesn't even accept that there's a problem, just pushes back at the OP when she raises the issue, asking when she's paying the bills. Fuck that and then some! This is not a partnership. The marriage is over and you need to look into separating. As he's main carer, I'd look for 50/50 but also make damn sure you're not having to keep paying for him to not work. If he was an investment banker, he's employable and if he still has anxiety, he can get treatment instead of watching sport. Don't put up with this any longer OP. He'll drain you and he doesn't care a jot that he's doing so. Suspect he'll leave anyway at some point so you might as well take the power.

Because the whole point about SAHPs is that its by mutual agreement. It can work for families but the breadwinner has to be on side.

In this case the non working parent is just blatantly taking the piss. No comparison.

I don't agree that the onus on a man working is greater than with a woman: that's just sexism. It would be fine if you had mutually agreed this and he had committed to taking care of the home and children.

But it's not sustainable in a family for one person to decide to simply opt out because they can't be arsed to work (under the figleaf of anxiety).

Leave, OP. He's just leaching money from you

No they wouldn't!

I think the main difference is those sahm are doing it with the agreement of both in that relationship . You are struggling , you told him that . He is gaslighting you in response .
If this was a thread about a woman doing the same my reply would be the exact same one

@Pinkdelight3 Why would he leave? Who else is going to fund his lifestyle? I agree that he is no sort of partner and OP should think about moving on. The problem is that he may well get greater proportion of the residency of the children and keep the house so she could still end up supporting him.

I'd start by cancelling whatever TV package allows him to watch sport all day and reducing his access to cash...

If he's a SAHD with two kids in school, do you come home to a clean and tidy house every night?

Is all the washing and ironing done?

Is all the shopping, gardening, house maintenance etc done?

In term time, your DH has 30 hours or so of child free time, easily enough to do all the housework and maintenance and have some time for hobbies too (especially as the kids are of an age where they can probably get themselves to and from school and manage their own homework etc).

If he's not on top of the housework, paperwork and maintenance etc and is expecting you to do that as well as work so he can essentially retire, then he's taking the piss.

If the burden of what is traditionally "wifework" is completely taken off your shoulders and you only have the role of provider, with all the kid and house stuff taken care of by him, then his input has value.

I'm sure he'll stay while it's all going his way, but just mean I wouldn't trust him to stick around if the money tap turns off. Plus there's no intimacy and if he starts getting it elsewhere, he could well be the type to cocklodge elsewhere, especially after the DC have left. Guess all I'm saying to OP is don't even put up with this as some kind of long-term investment in a lifelong relationship, because he's proved himself to be selfish and he doesn't factor you in beyond your ability to pay his way. He's detached himself from any partnership, so better to make that official and then you only have to fund yourself and DC and get on with making a better life for yourself without him leeching off you.

Strangely enough if a sahm was held to those standards mumsnet.com would think it horribly unfair.

Did he stay at home due to lockdown and refuse to return
or was he burnt out before that

So does he completely run the house? I'd discuss what's going to happen when the youngest goes to senior school. Do you earn at the same level as the husband's of the SAHMs?

Are you struggling for money, or too tired, or do you want him to work because it’s expected and you think it’s odd amongst your acquaintances?

When we were very young, DH and I had promised each other that whenever one of us gets to £30K p.a., the other would stop working and just loaf about. Haha, how naive of us now with DCs, mortgage and all the other shit.

This, combined with what you say about his mental health during the pandemic suggests to me he’s actually had a bit of a burnout/breakdown/MH crisis but is hiding it.
How about coming at this from a totally different angle, what are both of your future dreams? What about when the kids leave school? Is this him essentially “retired” for ever? If so when do you get to retire? Does he actually need a new and different career? A lower stress job? If he can’t discuss any of this without arguments then he or both of you need a life coach followed by financial planning advise.
I think he’s doing an ostrich impression and needs supported out of the sand or he’ll bury further.
None of this is your responsibility though, if you don’t want to stay together then just leave or ask him to.

I don't think he's ever going to be part of a dream future for OP. He's not touched her in years and is killing her with the financial stress of him not working, and he doesn't care. This is over.

@Honeychickpea I dispute that.

I've often read on MN women advising other women to go back to work once the kids are no longer young primary school age. To get independence and keep up pension & NI contributions, or to get a qualification/ new skill etc.

I honestly believe that most women don't think they should have 30 free hours for hobbies and their DH should earn the wage and then split all household & childcare chores 50/50 when they're home.

Most women I know who are SAHP either have caring responsibilities (for their DC or elderly parents) or do 90% of household duties whilst their kids are in school. Plus it's been AGREED by both parties that is the home set-up.

You both sound awful tbh.

The difference is a SAHP is something that would be agreed on, by the sound of it he’s fell into the role because of covid and his own anxieties rather then he wants to raise the kids and look after the house, he’d of been a SAHP while the kids were little - but now he’s getting the golden years of the kids being older and a bit more independent, no childcare costs that are being saved because they’re too old. He’s just dossing about the house and cooks the tea.
If you’re struggling financially there’s no excuse for him to not get back into the workforce.

Take the air conditioning remote to work with you.

😆do homes in the UK have air conditioning?

I don't know any SAH mothers.

The only SAHP is my BIL, who sounds like the OP's husband!

All the mothers I know work.

See a lawyer asap. It will cost you to divorce him but will cost a great deal more to continue bankrolling his lazy arse. Would the children choose to live with him?

Because most couple make that as a joint decision not one person refusing to tackle whatever issues and to be an adult.

If he needs to work he needs to work. If he cannot he needs to address that openly and honestly or OP has had her life mapped out without so much as a by your leave

What's happening to his pension whilst he lays about at home?

It's not about being a man vs being a woman. It's about unilaterally deciding that's what's happening.

It really doesn’t matter if OP agreed her DH could be a SAHD by forbearance- as in allowing it to happen without explicitly agreeing. I think the issue is that while it was fine for 3yrs, it is not fine any longer.

• the DC are older, both are now in secondary school (or about to be)
• the OP is cracking under the strain of having been sole breadwinner for 3yrs

She says something has to give and she is asking her DH to go back to work and share the load. He shouldn’t be refusing to do this. It is a lot of stress to be sole breadwinner- I was for years myself.

She has a right to ask for things to change. There is no reason why her DH should not be open to discuss it and come up with something. Perhaps PT work or a flexible self employed job that fits around school holidays. To just blank refuse to do any paid work and call her a sexist is taking the piss.

I could not respect a workshy man who sits around watching sport while I am at work and the kids at school. How unattractive. He would have to go.

A SAHP needs to be agreed on by both people, man or woman. No one is entitled to be a SAHP, again, man or woman.

If he refuses to go back to work, I'd leave him.