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AIBU?

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Original poster

Refuses to work

322 replies

MardiMoo · 25/06/2023 01:13

I have a husband, married for 15 years, who just refuses to work. That’s the simplest way I can put it. DP had some anxiety issues during Covid, which I understand, but has not worked for over 3 years now. Takes good care of the kids (12 and 10) and cooks (not particularly well) for us, but also loves to watch sports too and follows a couple of minor sports and leagues with a passion that we haven’t experienced for years. No sex or even physical touch in several years. The financial stress is all on me and it’s killing me…it was never meant to be like this, but as soon as I raise the topic of the bills or costs, DP is super-defensive and much prefers to question me about when I will pay the bills or our various costs. Total expectation that I pay all - I should have pushed-back years ago I know. Suggestions or advice needed (no wrong answers) 😓

OP posts:
maddening · 25/06/2023 13:35

Well if you are not married then there is nothing keeping you in the relationship- you won't need to worry about spousal support or whatever being granted as he is not working - cut him loose I reckon - if he was trying to sort himself out and get better then that would be one thing but.je doesn't seem to be making any effort.

Alleycat1 · 25/06/2023 13:36

Sexism aside the point is that OP obviously does not earn enough to fund their lifestyle, so it makes sense for her DH to go back to work. Surely no decent spouse would want to see their other-half struggling when able-bodied and fit to work?

ripplingwater · 25/06/2023 13:36

Thisshallneverpass · 25/06/2023 13:17

Why do people post this bullshit.

If you had ever read threads started by SAHM with school age children they are told by most posters to get back to work, even if they are in their 50s and have not worked for twenty years!

Stop lying to feed your made up agenda.

Show quote history

Yep- ive seen women being told this many times so its really not about sexism at all.

Pinkdelight3 · 25/06/2023 13:39

maddening · 25/06/2023 13:35

Well if you are not married then there is nothing keeping you in the relationship- you won't need to worry about spousal support or whatever being granted as he is not working - cut him loose I reckon - if he was trying to sort himself out and get better then that would be one thing but.je doesn't seem to be making any effort.

The first sentence of the OP is "I have a husband, married for 15 years".

maddening · 25/06/2023 13:42

Pinkdelight3 · 25/06/2023 13:39

The first sentence of the OP is "I have a husband, married for 15 years".

Show quote history

Yeah I just went back though, noticed that and came back to the bottom to apologise for missing that, it was as.he was referred to as dp 🧐

So I change my respond to Go for divorce

Peppapigboresme · 25/06/2023 13:44

This reply has been withdrawn

The OP has privacy concerns about this thread, so we've agreed to take it down.

rookiemere · 25/06/2023 13:45

MardiMoo · 25/06/2023 13:02

He burnt out during Covid - not before. Went part-time working, reduced hours further and then quit one day without telling me (until after the fact). To be fair he does cook and clean - nonharedening though, as that is not his thing.

interesting that one poster knows no SAHM at all - we know a lot (and a number of them have a cleaner). Maybe jealousy on my part re them…

It doesn't matter how many SAHMs you know. It's not up to you to equalise some idealogical sexism battle. The arrangement is not working for you, and as you're the one financing it, you're entitled to call a halt to it.

LifeExperience · 25/06/2023 13:49

A SAHP only works if the working partner earns enough money to support the household. That is not true in your case. Therefore he needs to work, at least part time.

And, no this has absolutely nothing to do with sexism. Don't let his lazy ass gaslight you.

user1471518104 · 25/06/2023 13:50

So the man takes the female role and it’s all shit ?

oakleaffy · 25/06/2023 13:53

What a fucking waster!

No way.

You are keeping this man- He has zero pride.

Divorce.

maddening · 25/06/2023 13:53

user1471518104 · 25/06/2023 13:50

So the man takes the female role and it’s all shit ?

It is no longer a female role imo, no adult gets to arbitrarily decide that another adult is financially supporting them.

SouthLondonMum22 · 25/06/2023 13:55

user1471518104 · 25/06/2023 13:50

So the man takes the female role and it’s all shit ?

No one is entitled to be a SAHP. Man or woman.

FormerlyPathologicallyHappy · 25/06/2023 13:55

We haven’t got any sahp in our family either. Even the man who’s a millionaire his dw worked after each child.

DisquietintheRanks · 25/06/2023 14:03

TomatoSandwiches · 25/06/2023 02:08

Just get rid of him, he can not unilaterally decide to not financially contribute without it being agreed between you both and as far as I have seen most SAHM get a rough ride on here if they are not at least part time working when the children are in full-time school hours which yours are.
He is taking the piss, he needs to get a job and pay his share or he would be gone in my house.

It's not as simple as that. He is entitled to stay in the family home whilst a settlement is reached and, as the SAHP, he and the children may well be allowed to remain for a number of years. It's for the OP to move out and pay maintenance, unless challenged viz the courts he's the resident parent.

3BSHKATS · 25/06/2023 14:03

I know of a stay at home mums of teenage children, and I also know of stay at home wives whose kids have their own children.

That’s not the issue. The issue is that you can’t afford it.

pilates · 25/06/2023 14:08

LTB

BostonTime · 25/06/2023 14:09

It's none of anyone's business if you want to be a SAHP with older children or not the issue is that if one of the couple is unhappy with this arrangement or even worse, can't afford it.

If you can afford to be a SAHM of children of ANY age or even a childfree housewife and you can financially afford it then this is your own life choice. It doesn't mean you're not adding value to the relationship or society just because you're not a wage slave.

SauronsArsehole · 25/06/2023 14:10

Op are you earning enough to cover everything?

are you still doing the mental load of DRs, school, all housework, laundry etc as well as working?

how old are the kids. It’s one thing staying home if they’re 5-10 but a different story if they’re 11+? many women take on part time work and/or do some volunteering in school once kids are school settled.

is he unnecessarily spending? By this I don’t mean stuff for the kids that’s fine but still expecting the same level of lifestyle and money into hobbies before he quit his job?

do you work overtime to keep things afloat?

Onelifeonly · 25/06/2023 14:20

Well you don't sound happy but it would be wrong to say he brings nothing to the family as being there for your children and providing meals (which you unnecessarily call 'mediocre - we can't all be Cordon Bleu cooks ) is making a contribution.

I think you should drop the sexist view and find out why he can't or won't work. Maybe if you spoke frankly but sympathetically, you would get to the bottom of it. Also look at your finances - do you need more money (we'd all like more, but do you NEED it?). Could he work part time? If he gets stressed easily, it could be in a job with less challenge, not necessarily one he needs qualifications for.

If it's mental health, then that could explain the lack of sex too. You also come across as very angry and thats unlikely to lead to open and honest communication from him.

SouthLondonMum22 · 25/06/2023 14:20

BostonTime · 25/06/2023 14:09

It's none of anyone's business if you want to be a SAHP with older children or not the issue is that if one of the couple is unhappy with this arrangement or even worse, can't afford it.

If you can afford to be a SAHM of children of ANY age or even a childfree housewife and you can financially afford it then this is your own life choice. It doesn't mean you're not adding value to the relationship or society just because you're not a wage slave.

To be able to afford it though, one of the couple has to be a ''wage slave''.

GoodChat · 25/06/2023 14:20

user1471518104 · 25/06/2023 13:50

So the man takes the female role and it’s all shit ?

He hasn't 'taken the female role'. He quit his job without consultation and expects his wife to fund his lifestyle happily.

NewNovember · 25/06/2023 14:24

MardiMoo · 25/06/2023 10:44

@continentallentil - he previously worked at an investment bank.

Right , so you are angry your quality of life has lowered due to you dh mental health issues.

Zanatdy · 25/06/2023 14:24

Not bringing any money in, a bad cook and no sex. Nope! People will say if the tables are turned the advise would be different, but at 8 & 10 they aren’t babies and both parents should be working unless it’s something both parties are happy with. Sounds like your marriage is over (no touching, let alone sex) and he’s not bringing anything to the table so I’d certainly be considering options

GoodChat · 25/06/2023 14:24

Yeah @NewNovember that's exactly what she said Confused

Darthwazette · 25/06/2023 14:31

If he is medically unable to work then he will be entitled to certain benefits, ie PIP which would allow him to make some contribution to the household. If he is medically well and as a family you cannot afford a SAHP then he should work: