Refuses to work

[MardiMoo]

I have a husband, married for 15 years, who just refuses to work. That’s the simplest way I can put it. DP had some anxiety issues during Covid, which I understand, but has not worked for over 3 years now. Takes good care of the kids (12 and 10) and cooks (not particularly well) for us, but also loves to watch sports too and follows a couple of minor sports and leagues with a passion that we haven’t experienced for years. No sex or even physical touch in several years. The financial stress is all on me and it’s killing me…it was never meant to be like this, but as soon as I raise the topic of the bills or costs, DP is super-defensive and much prefers to question me about when I will pay the bills or our various costs. Total expectation that I pay all - I should have pushed-back years ago I know. Suggestions or advice needed (no wrong answers) 😓

Oh my God yes I hadn't thought of it like this.

Presumably op was comfortable on part time or even work breaks because he did the heavy lifting with is fancy job all those years? I always read relationship threads wondering how the other person sees it all, what they'd say if they had the their 'his and hers' thread on MN running....

Always so impressed with the perceptive comments that read between the lines because it's not a skill I posses!

Even if that's true, if they mutually agreed to it that's a very different situation than just quitting your job without talking to your wife about it first.

It's also possible that OP has always worked full time.

He burnt out during Covid - not before. Went part-time working, reduced hours further and then quit one day without telling me (until after the fact). To be fair he does cook and clean. He worked for an investment bank.

So he's only just not worked for 3 years if it didn't start until after lockdown?
And presumably made a significant financial contribution to your family finances when he was working.

If he has struggled with his mental health then he needs to be getting some help with that. No wonder it's affected his sex drive.

Your unequal judgement of a man not working with late primary aged children compared with a women is sexist and not universal.

I can understand that you don't want to carry the breadwinning burden by yourself and I can understand that it is not attractive when someone doesn't work for no reason. But he's ill, he's been ill, and he does contribute to the household. So perhaps think about your marriage vows and talk to him honestly but empathetically about how he can get well enough to start working again. You need to be mindful that this is unlikely to be at the same level as before.

I mean, divorce is the solution here.

My first husband left me as I can’t work , he knew when he met me that it was a possibility at some point but when it happened he couldn’t cope and the pressure was too much. He was constantly pushing me to do something even a few hours a week and I just couldn’t

My current husband is totally different and things are good although I wish I could work

I think the sexism argument is irrelevant here. It all boils down to what was discussed and agreed. He appears to have become a sahp upon his decision alone which isn't acceptable. You're meant to be a team, and frankly he isn't pulling his weight.

Because THEY have not agreed this. Before I was married I told my ( now) ex that if we had children I wanted to work part time until they went to school. I was very clear, he agreed. That’s what happened.

until he lost his job - we then switched , fair enough one of us had work one of us didn’t and we were a team

but he simply never got back into work fully when kids went to school. He took jobs he couldn’t do and was fired repeatedly, he had gross misconduct issues and for the last 15 years of our 30 year marriage effectively refused to work. I did not sign up to that. I did not agree with it. It was placing a massive burden on me to provide for him, our kids all the way through school and uni. He also was a pretty haphazard parent, I ended putting my youngest in nursery for final year before school as his did wasn’t doing any pre school parenting- kept saying he was too busy looking for a job when in practice he made few applications

it’s one thing a couple agreeing jointly to the pros vs cons of having one Sahp, it’s entirely different when one parent is dumped on without discussion, agreement and with no benefit to the family

it has sod all to do with the sex of the sahp- it has to do with mutual agreement

I don’t think this is ok for a woman or a man. I know a number of women who refused to work and it was the end of their marriages. They obviously ended up working then anyway

My "common law " son in law is the same, not worked since Covid, and it's all on my DD to be the sole breadwinner. He sees his "work" as doing the school run for their twin 8 year olds. No depression or health issues as far as I know, although I am aware that some illnesses & health conditions are hidden.
I often see how tired my DD is, although she has not complained to anyone else in the family, I despair her partner will ever resume work.

@MardiMoo did you both agree that he could stay at home for three years and be a SPHP?

In your case I would split up. Would find it intolerable for someone not to be working if there is financial stress plus the relationship has run it's course physically.

Air conditioning remote?!

Whilst your post has some merit, I’d point out it is now encouraged that people get back to phased work asap after my issues. Even in 1994, I went back to work after maternity on antidepressants after severe PND. We only got 6 months leave in those days, so no real choice, but it was the best thing for me and helped me recover faster.
unless someone has “ severe and enduring” mental illness , illnesses like schizophrenia, bipolar etc, most medical support tries to get people back into their normal lives at around 6 months.

he has not taken responsibility himself to resolve any mental health issues he has, by the sound of it. Anxiety is treatable within 3 years. How about he look at his marriage vows about his need to play his part too?

my ex had severe and enduring mental illness, schizophrenia, he didn’t work for last 13 years of our marriage. Sure, there were times he couldn’t hold a job due to his illness, but there were time he could have worked and didn’t. 50% of people in relationships with someone with persistent mental health issues end up with mental health issues, and people like you do not help lecturing on marriage vows. You try being sole breadwinner, sole parent, sole domestic servant, sole pension provider, and a psychiatric nurse and not question wtf your partner is doing to keep their marriage vows

The potential difficulty is that if couples split, the courts are often more likely to award primary residency to the SAHP. At best 50/50.

Yup that’s an amazing time to have a jaunty ‘stay at home parent’ gig!

I don't disagree@Appleofmyeye2023 but almost all the preceding posts seemed to think OP was incredibly hard done by. And the nature of anxiety and depression is that their symptoms make it hardest to do that which we need to do, so it's not productive or realistic to just expect someone to get themselves back on track by themselves.

The people bleating that the OP is sexist can just get in the bin. She has a waste of space DH who brings precisely nothing to her life... and quite honestly she'll be far better off without him.

The longer he dosses around, the greater the risk that the OP would be ordered to support him in some way. Right now he is only three years out of work, he can and will be expected to get off his arse and sort himself out. He can go and get work in a warehouse if he can't do anything else.

Rubbish

There would be loads of posters suggesting that the kids are old enough to not need intensive childcare

It's not realistic if someone has mental health issues to magic them better

It is not realistic to expect someone to support someone with problems who won't seek treatment and get themselves better

Irrespective of make or female SAHP, with kids aged 12 & 10 they can get a part time or full time job to suit daily finances

@Pinkdelight3
Great post and sound advice, very well put.

It's not really a SAHM v SAHD issue. Nobody has an inherent right to choose to be entirely supported by someone else. If this were a woman staying home when her husband hadn't agreed, the issue would be the same. It needs to be a dynamic, ongoing joint decision and this isn't.

He clearly won't change, OP, so you have to look at what changes you can make. You do not have to live like this.

splitting is only option. I had same experience. I only knew 2 SAHM who hadn’t gone back to work even PT by time dc late primary. One had DH who worked in City / abroad long hours so it was by agreement. The other her DH did really resent it and wanted her to work but she kept finding reasons not to. Moving to countryside and getting a dog seems to be a common way sahp justify not going back to work as the dc can’t get themselves to and from school and then it’s not possible get a job that fits in. It doesn’t matter what sex you are it’s whether it’s a joint decision. A lot of men are really fed up the independent career women they married become sahp and finds reasons not to go back. Ultimatums don’t work, he knows you won’t put your dc through repossession etc and won’t screw your own credit rating. ExH now works and rents. He still doesn’t over-exert himself so doesn’t financially contribute to DC but I am better off each month without him. It was also good for his mental health and social life to go back to work. I still resent DH doesn’t pull his weight but at least I don’t have to see him being lazy in front of me every day.

SAHMs with no independent income are wage slaves. It's just someone else's wage.

I would have to sit him down and ask him what his plans for the future were, and reiterate that I was not going to continue to bear the financial burden for 4 of us.

Make it clear that no work/income, plus no sex if you like, means that you'd be far better off without him. You'd be supporting 3 of you, and he could fend for himself. He's not doing enough at home, and it wasn't jointly agreed. No one needs to be a SAHP when the kids are the age yours are, unless they can comfortably afford it and both parties are happy.

FWIW, the ONLY families I know who had a SAHP had one very high earner, and one who facilitated this by doing all the 'wife work'. The working parent could comfortably afford to support the family financially - and the trade off was that they could devote themselves entirely to their career without lifting a finger at home.