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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Refuses to work

322 replies

MardiMoo · 25/06/2023 01:13

I have a husband, married for 15 years, who just refuses to work. That’s the simplest way I can put it. DP had some anxiety issues during Covid, which I understand, but has not worked for over 3 years now. Takes good care of the kids (12 and 10) and cooks (not particularly well) for us, but also loves to watch sports too and follows a couple of minor sports and leagues with a passion that we haven’t experienced for years. No sex or even physical touch in several years. The financial stress is all on me and it’s killing me…it was never meant to be like this, but as soon as I raise the topic of the bills or costs, DP is super-defensive and much prefers to question me about when I will pay the bills or our various costs. Total expectation that I pay all - I should have pushed-back years ago I know. Suggestions or advice needed (no wrong answers) 😓

OP posts:

Caradonna · 25/06/2023 12:47

I would speak to a solicitor as to see how finances will be sorted if you divorce - perhaps someone more knowledgeable will come along but can he, eg, claim some of your pension, who lives where if he has no income -presume he will get benefits initially.

Check this out to help make your decisions.

Mamabird2022 · 25/06/2023 12:47

Fraaahnces · 25/06/2023 04:30

Patio

need help digging? 😂

Mamabird2022 · 25/06/2023 12:49

Honestly I would be annoyed. I’m currently a SAHP but my child is 9m and my DH works full time. When DD starts going to school I will be going back to work part time and then when she is in full education I will be working full time. What does he do all day when the kids are at school? He should at least work part time.

grimmers44 · 25/06/2023 12:52

Emilia35 · 25/06/2023 01:34

Why is it okay for a woman to be a SAHP but not a man?

If you were a man posting this people would definitely not be telling you to leave your wife. Could he go back to work part time to ease the financial burden if you cannot afford to live on one income? Have you tried discussing this with him? The lack of intimacy is a different issue.

12/10 year olds don't need a full time SAHP.

grimmers44 · 25/06/2023 12:56

MardiMoo · 25/06/2023 10:09

@fancreek - actually sexism is exactly what I get accused of by him and you might have a point…we know a lot of couples where it is the other way around and the woman is SAH and nobody bats an eye (even when the children are older, like ours).

but none of this debate helps me get him to share the load either…

I bet those women do absolutely everything round the house though.

DustyLee123 · 25/06/2023 12:58

Does he do all the cleaning and gardening too ?

DustyLee123 · 25/06/2023 12:58

If you were to divorce he’d be expected to get a job, not live off you.

Boysnme · 25/06/2023 13:00

My DH stayed at home for a number of years due to ill health stopping him being in an office.

He always hated he wasn’t contributing to the family finances but we were lucky we could manage on my wage. It did however put a horrible amount of pressure on me.

He by choice fully expected to do the housework/cooking/cleaning/laundry/most of the life admin and lots more. We shared household tasks at weekends and I probably did more with the kids then through choice as I didn’t see them as much during the week.

He saw this as his contribution to our family and it worked for us for a many number of years. Once it stopped working and I was getting stressed out, coupled with his health being in a better place, he went back to work.

if he hasn’t been willing to do his share of supporting his family by doing what he could at home I’d not have coped.

You need to seriously consider if you can live they way you are, I don’t think I could!

jooon · 25/06/2023 13:02

OP, could he be depressed?

Another thought, if your kids are now 10 and 12, presumably they'll both be in secondary school come September? To be devil's advocate for a second - did it suit you to have a SAHP when they were in primary (because of school runs and all the other stuff), but now you are complaining?

What actually happened three years ago? Why did he leave the investment bank?

I totally understand that there is more financial pressure on everyone these days due to COL crisis. You are bound to be feeling this as a sole earner.

I know you have been accused of sexism for arguing that it's more acceptable to have a SAHM than a SAHD. You are just being honest though. It's very true that not many women would respect a SAH husband for long periods, but having a SAHW is something many men actively prefer. I'm aware I'm a hypocrite in this respect as I don't work (three children a little older than yours). My husband prefers this and respect the role , but I fully admit that I wouldn't respect him if it was the other way round. It is what it is. For us, it's partly cultural, but even in British culture, many women would feel the same as you if they were being honest. These attitudes run deep.

Original poster

MardiMoo · 25/06/2023 13:02

He burnt out during Covid - not before. Went part-time working, reduced hours further and then quit one day without telling me (until after the fact). To be fair he does cook and clean - nonharedening though, as that is not his thing.

interesting that one poster knows no SAHM at all - we know a lot (and a number of them have a cleaner). Maybe jealousy on my part re them…

OP posts:

DustyLee123 · 25/06/2023 13:03

I hope you have your wage and child benefit paid into your own account, the DD across the bills etc

jooon · 25/06/2023 13:06

Maybe he has long Covid?

I know loads of SAHMs OP (hundreds over the years) and possibly one SAHD! They all have cleaners. And yes, the kids are all in school. I guess the difference is, the convenience of a SAHM is worth more than the potential extra money. But they would be working if the family needed more money.

honeylulu · 25/06/2023 13:07

Can't help thinking it seems very convenient for him to have decided to become a SAHP three years ago when your kids were 7 and 9 and the most gruelling and knackering years of child rearing have passed!

jfshu · 25/06/2023 13:09

@honeylulu haha quite!

OutDamnedSpot · 25/06/2023 13:14

How have you approached this with him?

”DP, we need you to work as we can’t afford our outgoings on just one wage”

is a totally different conversation to

“DP, you need to work because you’re a man”

DustyLee123 · 25/06/2023 13:14

When I was a SAHM I did all cleaning/washing/shopping/gardening/life admin.
And I was up in the night for feeds/illness. It was hard graft. That’s not what he’s doing.

Thisshallneverpass · 25/06/2023 13:17

Emilia35 · 25/06/2023 01:34

Why is it okay for a woman to be a SAHP but not a man?

Why do people post this bullshit.

If you had ever read threads started by SAHM with school age children they are told by most posters to get back to work, even if they are in their 50s and have not worked for twenty years!

Stop lying to feed your made up agenda.

sandyhappypeople · 25/06/2023 13:21

the thing is, one person being a SAHP only works if you're both on board with it.

It doesn't sound like he's agreed to be a SAHD, he's just stopped going to work and forced you into being the breadwinner, that's shit whatever the gender IMO, one person shouldn't get to dictate what the other does, it's not how an equal respectful partnership should work. Saying that he does sound like he's having issues and trying to bury them under the carpet, it's a hard problem to navigate.

At the end of the day you sound unhappy, he sounds unhappy, it sounds like you actually need to listen to each others feeling a little without jumping in and putting a label on it.

It's incredibly sexist to say a woman can be a SAHP but a dad can't, so I'd leave all that shit at the door when you have your talk! It doesn't make him less of a man to want to do it FGS, so you shouldn't think any less of him, I wouldn't be surprised if that is contributing to your lack of intimacy from both sides

Barney60 · 25/06/2023 13:24

I have not read all of the posts so apologies if this has already been raised.
Is husband seeking work and signing on?
If is signing on, then im not sure why hes not working, when i last was unemployed if i hadn't got a job within a few months they were sending me to full time voluntary work in the hope the company would set me on. (Not sure if they still do this.)
If not his pension will be missing these years hes not working, as no NI will be being paid. So he will even at retirement age be under financed.
How does he follow his hobbys without any income, does he have access to your account?
Is he doing all the DIY, gardening, most of the shopping cleaning washing ironing school runs ect, which is expected usually when its the female who is a SAHM.
What ever you really need to sit and talk to him about all this, if hes not contributing in any way then im afraid he needs a huge kick up the bum.

Pinkdelight3 · 25/06/2023 13:27

OutDamnedSpot · 25/06/2023 13:14

How have you approached this with him?

”DP, we need you to work as we can’t afford our outgoings on just one wage”

is a totally different conversation to

“DP, you need to work because you’re a man”

OP says: as soon as I raise the topic of the bills or costs, DP is super-defensive and much prefers to question me about when I will pay the bills or our various costs. Total expectation that I pay all

Doesn't sound like she's approaching it saying he needs to work because he's a man. Sounds like she's worried about bills and he's using sexism as one of his (spurious) defences to get out of engaging with his need to earn and pay. Him quitting work without discussing it first and expecting her to pay ever since does not suggest there's an issue with how she's approaching this. He's made unilateral decisions, refused to engaged, and she's now on her knees, ready to drop. It also doesn't sound like he's not intimate with her because he finds sexism a turn-off. He's checked out and is pleasing himself.

honeylulu · 25/06/2023 13:27

OP is getting a hard time for her sexist comments about it being more acceptable for women to be a SAHM to older children (and I agree that is sexist) but to be fair, SAHM will usually have been SAHM since having a first baby. By the time their kids are at school their skills and experience are long out of date and returning to work often means starting again from a junior level, on a low wage (possibly NMW) which might make very little difference to the overall family income. But OP's DH is not in that boat. Until 3 years ago he was an investment banker!

honeylulu · 25/06/2023 13:29

Secondary school I meant to say!

rookiemere · 25/06/2023 13:30

Take the sexism arguments out of it and it boils down to, can the household afford to run on one income? It doesn't sound like it does ergo both partners need to work. It doesn't matter if other households can afford a SAHP - this one can't. It's a bit like DH wistfully talking about neighbours next door who have retired , same age as us. They made different financial choices and didn't think they were smarter than a fund manager in a volatile market.

I'd ask him to get a job, any job - he may well be worried that he won't get anything at previous level - or you'll be seriously thinking about separation.

uncomfortablydumb53 · 25/06/2023 13:32

You are paying for his " not great" company. He is disrespectful and lazy. Cooking a meal is the least he should do. Tell him to take his lazy arse off your sofa and out of your door
I can't see any benefit for you.

mouldyfalafel · 25/06/2023 13:34

Emilia35 · 25/06/2023 01:34

Why is it okay for a woman to be a SAHP but not a man?

They would if the man was breaking under the financial pressure and the wife was refusing to listen or help out and only wanted to spend her time off doing her hobbies! If the wife had also taken sex off the table with no intimacy or discussion about it they absolutely would.

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