Would it be awkward/problematic in your family to date outside your race?

[Saramax]

We were discussing interracial relationships at work the other day and I’m intrigued to see how people’s families would react to them dating person of a different ethnicity.

YABU - it would probably be awkward
YANBU - it would be completely normal

Is anyone else a bit uncomfortable by all the posts from ( presumably white) posters who talk about the people of colour married into their family as ‘enriching their family’ or being ‘beautiful people’, as if POC can’t just be regular ole’ people but have to be paraded as super special life- enhancing people? Does anyone else feel uncomfortable with this?

Eh.
I'm south east Asian (various races), married to a white Brit.
I know that remarks like your nans are supposed to be microagressions but I don't care. I often wondered what our kids would look like as even among siblings they can take after one race than the other.
But I'm not white. So I suppose I can get away with it. Hmmmm.not that I'd say it to other people

Posters saying that their families are not ‘overtly racist’ but would find it unusual/weird/shoe micro aggressions/use the wrong terms due to ignorance etc etc….
that’s all racism. Just because you consider it to be milder doesn’t mean it’s not racist.

In my parents generation, my uncle married an Asian woman which raised comment. This was the 1980s. We lived in small towns in the Midlands, quite insular, whereas Uncle lived in a much more multicultural area.

My brother's long term partner is mixed-race. We don't give a fig. She's been a fantastic support for my brother during everything he's been through, so that's the most important thing. They've been together over 20 years. They do not live in a diverse area, but I don't think there's been any issues.

I haven't RTFT but was coming on here to say the only issue my family had with interracial relationships was my mum gushing too much. We're white and whenever my sister or I dated someone who wasn't white, Mum would praise the boyfriend to the skies because she was so eager to demonstrate she wasn't racist.

No. Would be problematic with the male parental unit if I married a Rangers supporter.

My family would have no problem at all.

But it's incredibly niave and simplistic to not see why some families would. It's not always racism. It can just be about wishing everyone in the family has the same cultural and religious expectations and traditions as the rest of the wider family.

For example, I can totally see why an Asian family may prefer their kid to have an Asian partner who understands and supports the family set up, familial responsibilities and ways of life. It's hardly rocket science to think blended cultures and religions may bring issues.

I do think it's hard not to overcompensate-my DD's boyfriend is originally from Sri Lanka and I know I sometimes have to stop myself from trying too hard. I am consoled by the fact that his mother does too!

🤣I realise that in my previous post I stopped myself saying "my DD's lovely boyfriend is originally from Sri Lanka....

No. I'm white, my great great grandad was black
Nobody would care one bit and hasn't cared before

I married a mixed heritage man and my family didn't bat an eyelid. No one in my family is religious so there wouldn't have been any concern about that either.

The only thing they slightly raised an eyebrow about was the fact that he comes from a very traditional and conservative country where a lot of people have fairly regressive views about the roles of women in the family and society and they told me to make sure I didn't find myself being marginalised financially (correctly, as it turned out). My parents were progressives who hammered into me the need for me to be financially independent so they would have been uncomfortable if I'd married into a family that believed a woman's place was in the home etc.

TBH though the ethnicity was irrelevant to that discussion, it would have been very much the same if I'd married a white man from a very conservative background.

I'm white and DH is Indian.

Apparently they were concerned about "cultural differences" and asked my sister lots of questions but didn't mention anything to me.

The only cultural differences I've found after 20 years is that his family are VERY catholic and so I've occasionally had to sit through mass a few times, it's very long and very dull!

I don't know how to answer because I think my family would mean well and not think anything ill of the person, but at the same time there would be assumptions made that might be awkward and there would definitely be moments of cringe. My parents (divorced) don't really know anybody who isn't white and they are clearly uncomfortable with the idea, even though they don't wish anybody ill or consider themselves racist. They just have the assumption that they would have nothing in common with someone they think is from another culture.

My mum made a male friend when I was a teenager who was from Mexico and in hindsight he was clearly a creepy, overstepping, manipulative arse but my mum kept thinking ooh how exotic, everyone must be like that in Mexico, and encouraged us to see his actions in that context as well. One day his wife phoned the house and asked anxiously if he was having an affair with my mum, I reassured her and said no no, they are just friends. But my friends kept saying wtf, it's not okay that he sits next to a 16yo girl and "accidentally" gropes you, no you shouldn't let him take you out for a drink, don't do that, you don't have to say yes to be polite. No it's not ok that he buys your 13yo sister really clingy skintight Jeans and then stands there openly admiring her arse and making comments about her appearance.

And they were right because he ended up charming/pressuring my mum into bed with him in the end, to which she felt terrible because at this point we'd met his wife and children and got on with all of them and liked them.

He wasn't acting like that "because he's Mexican" it was because he was a predatory groomer who felt entitled.

Would be totally normal in my family.

I know this because we have many mixed relationships in my family, I have never heard a racist comment or anyone worried about saying the wrong thing / walking on eggshells.

My parents generation - not an issue, but they’d appreciate if the DP spoke their language.
my grandparents (who are all dead now) - they talked badly about my second cousin thrice removed (or something like that)’s Philippine wife still after 20 years.

Interesting to see so many people with many mixed relationships in family, considering it's predominantly British site and only about 14% of people re POC (20% overall not white British).

Depends if we can dislike some one despite their race, my once close sister has and he's a complete assehole. But she has now got it into her head the family is racist, because obviously that must be the only reason according to her 🙄

My DPs only stipulation is that they would like me to be with someone decent and kind!

@OneRace "t understandable that 'white people' feel the need to pander to 'POC' because anything else they do or say would be called racist. Although the pandering is about to be as well, judging by this post."

Could you say some more about this please? I obviously misunderstood you.

Some of my family have, and if anyone has been bothered they've kept it to themselves. Biggest issues have been with fellow white people of a different social class!

Just thinking more on this.

I am mixed - DF from nonwhite traditional religious family where outsiders are not welcomed. DM from white largely atheist background.

It was a big problem when my parents married. Lots of fear from DF's side that she would have different values and people would talk and the children wouldn't be accepted. No problem from DM's side but as DM refused to convert or adhere to a traditional role she did feel judged and resentful.

Since then the family has moved on hugely. There is still a hope that if someone marries someone from another religion they will convert. But it is not an expectation or a worry anymore. My DGF even said to DM after they got married, 'I thought it would matter and you would be different to us. But I was wrong. It doesn't matter.'

As someone who is mixed I definitely don't feel out of place in either side of my family.

I think it is natural that if someone comes from a different background there is some thought or even some hesitation of the unknown. It doesn't make you racist or an evil bad person. As long as you welcome them like anyone else that's all that matters.

There are a disproportionate number of couples from different countries/races in both mine and DP's families. We put it down to the fact that 3 of our 4 parents were immigrants-from Ireland, Australia and Italy- so all their children and grandchildren grew up thinking it was normal and OK. It's a theory, anyway. There are 11 grandchildren and so far 5 of them are in relationships with people of a different race/nationality.

I don't like the term POC but I agree with you. I'm half white and half East Asian. I'm not some doll to help diversify your home and gene pool. I'm just me. Both my parents were born in England so we're British and I sometimes forget I'm mixed race and look 'different'😂 thankfully none of my grandparents are racist so my parents' interracial relationship wasn't a 'problem' despite me growing up in a very white area.