Would it be awkward/problematic in your family to date outside your race?

[Saramax]

We were discussing interracial relationships at work the other day and I’m intrigued to see how people’s families would react to them dating person of a different ethnicity.

YABU - it would probably be awkward
YANBU - it would be completely normal

Yeah there has to be lots of compromises so neither loses their cultural identity. But none has to give up theirs, just need to find their middle ground. Which can be hard. These things should really be discussed well before kids, unfortunately lots of people don't do it.

We sorted it by not having kids😂

Nothing I mentioned was 'nonsense.' You said that your family wouldn't like it if you were in a long term relationship with someone of a different race. I said that's sad. It's good that you personally don't have negative opinions of interracial relationships.

You’re mixed race (White and East Asian) and I’m black, do you think we’d have the same struggles through life? If you do then you’re terribly mistaken. The way society treats us is very different and our experiences in life will not have been the same.

How would you know? We don't know each other or the struggles we've been through. I experienced a lot of racism growing up (from people of different races) but you might not have. I still face racism whereas you might have it relatively easy. You might be from a privileged family with money, but my parents were working class. I don't know your life and you can't assume someone has the same struggles as you based on their race.

I don’t think it would be an issue at all. But then we are not religious and don’t have a strong culture that wouldn’t blend well with another culture or religion.

my late grandmother (who would be about 100 if she was still alive) definitely had some racist views. I remember her expressing shock that an interracial couple on the TV were together. My grandfather quickly told her off for it.

In wider family, no issues. In my parents house outside religion would be an issue. Outside of culture, ethnicity, nationality fine. Dh and I feel the same as my parents.

Different race would be fine. I think my mum would struggle if I was in a relationship with someone of a different religion, I don't think it would matter what it was.

My family no issues at all.
DHs family, I think were disappointed at first he didn't marry someone from the same ethnicity/culture. They're used to me now though 😁

We're both the same religion (and denomination) though which helps massively as the festivals are the same/no arguments over how to bring up the DC etc.

I live in France where there is a lot of racism. I think there are sufficient cultural differences to overcome without adding racial/religious ones into the mix.

I think there is an expectation that white people have to be totally open to inter-racial marriages and it’s disgusting and racist if they don’t want their children to marry outside their race.

and there is a blind eye turned if Asian families would rather their children married with the race. Nobody wails about Asians marrying Asians or says “where is the diversity” whereas I’ve definitely seen comments about the British royal family having no diversity and always choosing the marry within their race until Harry came along. I’ve literally never seen these comments about asian families with no inter racial marriage in them.

just my observation.

No one in my family cares about the race of family member's partners.
We care about values aligning, which means being anti racist. We also have zero tolerance for any hint of controlling behaviours.

You are not wrong tbh.

DH and I are both white but from different parts of the UK. Our Asian friends asked us if our parents were ok with us being in a ‘mixed race relationship’ 🤷‍♀️

Given how my relatives all seem to exist in a bubble where no-one is gay or has any additional needs, and there is already significant tension over one branch of the family being very religious while the rest of the family are not, plus a load of class anxiety, I'm guessing it wouldn't go well tbh.

Although people can surprise you.

I already feel like I live in a parallel universe to the rest of my family most of the time.

Interesting question!

I do struggle with the idea of "microaggression" when it's someone engaging with something entirely outside their experience. Unless they don't learn from it.

My parents are different races and I married a man from another country. My ds has a girlfriend of yet a different race.

Think religion can be more of an issue.

It was initially for my dh family. They disowned him. Eventually came round and all is well now. They absolutely love our son and I think they do like me now they've got to know me. But I'll never really forget how horrible it was in the beginning although 18 years ago now.

I’m happily married and NC with my family, but thinking back to when I was dating, yes, it probably would have led to some raised eyebrows amongst immediate family to overt racist comments by extended family. I wouldn’t necessarily think of them as racist, generally speaking, but they are very set in their ways and don’t know much about the world outside their comfy social bubble.

My parents (now in their 70s) had a real problem with the idea of me dating anyone who wasn't white British.

It was ridiculous. I had a good friend who was mixed race, and was outside school waiting for a lift chatting to him about some coursework.

My dad pulled up, started sounding the horn and had a face like thunder. I got in the car, embarrassed of his behaviour.

All the way home he wanted to know who my friend was. He was angry because I had spoke about this friend who had a typically British name (think Paul or Alan) so had assumed he was white.

I asked why it made a difference and was told he didn't want me paraded as a trophy!

They are a miserable pair of fuckers though who I've not spoken to in 25 years as they were truly vile to me growing up

They would probably drop dead if they knew their granddaughter is gay. That would not go down well either as they didn't like me "knowing" gay people.

DH is Irish and they hated him for that. Literally for being Irish.

Honestly. I'm so embarrassed of them

In a word, no. I could maybe see my grandmothers making some well-meant but perhaps tactless or clueless remarks ("ooh it's exciting to have someone brown in the family isn't it??"), but there'd be no hostility.

In my social circles and acquaintances I only know if problems towards the white person in the party. So one Muslim family who didn't like the non Muslim, non Asian wife, one black family who didn't like him marrying a white girl.
It's interesting that from the op, the assumption is that the white part of the couple it being racist but my limited experience I only know the reverse.

That said, back in the 60s my mother was distinctly told not to marry a black man by her father which I find so shocking.

My MIL would definitely be weird about it. Micro aggressions would abound.

Very much agree with this.

Sadly, yes. My stepfather is racist. It's been the subject of many blow ups between us over the years.

I'm white and my husband is black Caribbean (first generation born in the UK).
From my side there was no issues, or at least not said to me anyway. They did use some outdated lingo at the start (coloured instead of black etc) but that was from ignorance and not racism.

His family, however, hated me from the start. There was one memorable occasion when I was called a white devil so that was nice.

I wouldn't have a problem with whatever race my kids dated, but I would have big reservations if they chose someone religious, but it's not my choice to make.

It would have been pretended that there was no issue in public.

But our mother would have been dripping poison everywhere - because I heard her do it in respect of my half sister and half brother's spouses, their children and their in-laws, ethnicity, nationality, denomination/faith, genetics, appearance, chances in life, everything, although she would have denied every single word if it were repeated back to them. I had to listen to the venom being just a child, always presaged with the classic statement;

'Well, you know me, you know I'm not a racialist, but...'

Not an issue at all.
My family are like an advertisement poster for race relations. We have Irish, British, Italian, USA, Black, Korean and Muslim/Pakistani.

My DH is white and I get on really well with all of his family, they have always treated me and my family with respect; if they don't approve then they've been good at hiding it for the past 15 years. I did date someone when I was younger though and although his parents were nice enough to me they'd constantly be making ignorant comments such as ah we never thought he would date someone like you, do you eat (insert generic food here), how do you find winter- is it too cold for you etc. I didn't really notice at the time as I was young but my boyfriend told me when drunk that he was sure one day they'd come around to him dating a black woman which really hurt.