Would it be awkward/problematic in your family to date outside your race?

[Saramax]

We were discussing interracial relationships at work the other day and I’m intrigued to see how people’s families would react to them dating person of a different ethnicity.

YABU - it would probably be awkward
YANBU - it would be completely normal

I think the answers would be very different depending on what race you are.
I suspect most saying no are Caucasian

Yes I went out with a black guy from another country. My parents aren't overtly racist but did make awkward comments - to me, not him thank God. They're of a generation and background where everyone they know is very white, and were just confused by the whole thing I think. The relationship didn't last but nothing to do with them. He was just an idiot 😂

There have been two mixed-race marriages in my family that I am aware of.

A few years ago one of my cousin's children married a Sikh and I'm not aware that it caused any problems.

Much longer ago (1899) one of my great-grandfather's cousins married a mixed-race man (half white English and half black African). I gather that it didn't go down very well, but the family relented.

I like to think that my husband and I would judge any future son-in-law on his individual merits rather than on his colour but so far we haven't been tested.

Being a mixed race, black woman growing up in diverse area all my life and being told to marry whomever loves and respects me regardless of race, it would be a bit hypocritical, tbh.

I can understand the hesitancy BUT, I never myself could only date inside my race. Why limit my dating pool and just because someone is the same race as me doesn’t mean we have the same upbringings. experiences or enjoy the same things. There is so much to bond over than just being the same race.

No, it wouldn’t be a problem, my birth parents are horrible people, but they’re not racist and no do they discriminate based on religion or lack of. My mother was muslim, my father was sikh, they’re also different ethnicities.

The person who is my actual mum doesn’t care, my husbands do however. Although they’re now divorced his Dad is coming round a bit. His Mum is a born again christian and very racist, when I once hosted them she wouldn’t touch anything with her bare skin because South Asians are dirty.

Same here but they'd still be polite. I can't guarantee microaggressions because they don't follow a lot of non-human news and social commentaries to realise their faux pas. I wouldn't mind if I knew their intention isn't to offend but I'd correct if necessary.

Different cultures on the other hand? Well if it clashes, yes the same thing as above.

My family would be WERID not outright racist, but it definitely would be uncomfortable. SiL is white Australian and the this my mother will come out with!
The InLaws already think I'm an alien as Irish and was baptised Catholic. They'd loose their minds with anything more different.

How can it be aggression if they mean well?

Neither option really applies to me to be honest. I don’t think there’d be any real issues altho I’m sure my grandmother would make some mortifying comments here and there, but equally it wouldn’t be ‘normal’ for my family as no one ever really has dated or married outside our race, it’s an incredibly white area.

It would be normal. My wider family has been mixed race since the early 70s. Some of my grandparents generation found that surprising, but they were always polite. No one in my parents generation had a problem with it.

I think in the 80s/90s my mum (who was a worrier) would have worried it would have made life difficult, but that would be all. She wouldn’t now though.

I am that different one in my family. My DM came back pregnant from her gap year. My bio dad is non white. It does not stop them being racist, because I'm 'one of them' and the people on the migrant boats are 'others'. Despite the fact that if my mum had come from the same country as my dad, I would have been an asylum seeker and probably on my way back to Rwanda right now.

I think it was always 50/50 to them whether I would marry a Brit or someone more similar to me in terms of my fathers culture. But I was raised in an all white British family and so I just gravitate towards British men. In my heart though, I get a funny feeling about meeting someone who looks like me and having babies lol.

Not at all.

When my grandparents were alive I'm sure there would have been some comments.

They wouldn't have been intentionally negative/racist. But being the generation they were they would always make it clear they were hyper aware that someone wasn't white.

Still would have been kind and generous etc. Like if I had black and brown friends over. But there was an obvious 'this is unusual for us' way about their behaviour.

So I think if I'd have dated someone non white we'd have had that but a bit more so. I'm sure though they'd had got used to it quite quickly and maybe it would have helped them.

My parents however would have been for sure a total non-issue.

I can clearly remember a girl in my class though saying her dad had told her if she ever married a black man he wouldn't go to the wedding.

I actually think she's a lesbian but has married a man. Can't imagine her family would have been accepting of her marrying a woman either.

Really awful and sad.

DH is from a very religious family. I am an atheist and our children have been brought up without a religion. SIL is a relationship with a woman from a different religion. BIL married a woman from the religion and cultural background as him.

Guess which couples are still together over 20 years later and which couple got divorced with long lasting impacts on their childrens' mental health? 30 years ago MIL would have had the same attitude as you, she knows better now.

I wouldn't date someone with a different culture, etc even if we're the same background/skin colour. Race is meaningless if culture, religion/lack of one and primary beliefs don't align.

On the other hand, I would be with someone who shared the same values, etc with me regardless of background.

This has made me think wider than just my immediate family though.

I do think if when my DDs are older they date someone other than a white male we will need to make sure that DHs family are aware of that fact before we brought them to a family event.

They live somewhere much more rural and not sure that I've ever actually seen any of them in a room with someone non-white before now I think of it. FIL especially I'd be concerned for horrendous Daily Mail type comments.

We live a couple of hours away from them in a much more mixed area.

In my family it would be an absolute non issue.
However I know some of DPs family would be awful if their children were too. And a good friend of mine is marrying a Sheikh man and his family are horrified. Which is sad.

On my side of the family I remember my mum being worried because she thought OH might be Muslim. I think she thought there might be some kickback from her family. There's never been any racism

On my OH family side, it was considered that it was going to be enough of a problem that I was a secret for 3+ years before I was invented and met her family one NYE. It was pretty frosty but we've always all got on very well ever since. We're one of two mixed couples in a HUGE extended family though. Even most of the younger cousins date people within their culture

I'd assume for mixed race/biracial people, both races of your parents are your race?

Surprisingly enough, I think I there would have been some awkwardness. Surprisingly, because my grandfather was anglo-indian and I know my father had some difficulties when in officer training in the services, so you would think he would have been more accepting. I value my heritage but, having said that, I don't look as if I have any other-than-white background.

Would not be a problem. Have been in interracial relationships before though am now married to someone of the same race. Various interracial marriages in family.

Some of dh family can be racist but they have accepted an inter racial relationship and the black family members are very well loved within the family. There are still things like going on about the hair all the time. Failure to remove a fridge magnet with the awful Robinsons thing on it, but not really seeming able to understand about this.

Ethnicity I don't think would be much of an issue but religion was a big one. It took ages for my DF in particular to get over it and I don't think his side of the family ever really did (they live abroad though and due to political issues I haven't felt safe to travel there since childhood so have very limited contact with any of them anyway). Two out of three of us have partners and both our partners aren't the religion we were raised with. I don't actually think my DPs have even mentioned it to other sibling but they made a massive deal out of it with us and DF was threatening not to come to our wedding for awhile (years ago). He did in the end though.

DH's family we didnt think there would be any issues but his DF and SM both told him they'd go NC if we got married, when we announced our engagement. They never gave any specific reason for this exactly but did raise cultural/ethnic differences as a reason for him not to. They refused to come to our wedding and went NC with us much to DH's devastation.

We married very young as well so it was all a very difficult time for us tbh.

The thing is maybe the religion and culture is simply less important to your son than it is to you?
My in-laws are Hindu and I get on extremely well with them. However, I know my MIL is secretly heartbroken that he's married a non-Hindi. She too feels like I don't understand all the traditions and festivals. She's sad that our children are being raised in a very western way. I do understand as I know how important her religion and culture is to her.
However, the fact remains that it's my DH's life and he himself is very westernised. Although he goes along with various Hindu traditions and festivities he's not actually a believer. In all honesty the Hindu traditions don't mean much to him and this is why he could happily marry a white English woman and raise his children in a westernised way. If my DH was a devout Hindu I would happily learn more about it and embed some of these traditions in to our family life.
If your religion and culture ARE important to your son then it's up to him to make this a part of his children's lives.

I'd be concerned if any of my children were dating someone with wildly different life values, like gender roles rules or attitudes to money or whatever.
Those differences might be rooted in any aspect of their upbringing, including cultural background.
I think being concerned about compatibility or harmful attitudes is reasonable for family members.
If my kids bring home someone decent and honest of whatever creed or colour, I'm all happy with that .. and that's my wider families attitude also. (My uncle now in his 80's was very ahead of his time in entering a mixed race marriage with someone he met while living in an African nation, they had a long marriage until she passed away, had two kids and were very much part of the family).