AIBU not to cancel DD's party despite the house next door being in mourning?

[Padstow58]

It's my DD's birthday today. 13 and very excited. For weeks she's been planning a party at our house and for 8 girls to sleep over in the tent in our garden. She's decorated our garden and it's all ready.

Next door are a retired couple and a few weeks ago, he was taken into hospital. We've been keeping in touch with the lady neighbour so have been aware that he's not been doing too well.

This morning she let me know he died in the night.

DH now says they are a house of mourning and it would be disrespectful to hold a party next door.

But I think, as sad as it is, that it's not fair to cancel DD's party that she's been planning and looking forward to for so long.

We are detached and I'll make sure they are quiet out there after 10pm so hopefully they won't be disturbed too much by it all.

Does that sound reasonable?

No way should you cancel the party!!! It's very sad that he died, of course, but that's their family, not yours.

I doubt the neighbours would want you to cancel.

I know when my mum dies she wanted to make sure everyone continued living.

I was at a huge sports event with ds 36 hours after she died. Emotionally I didn't want to to. But she'd made me promise whatever happened I'd still take him.

I'd have the party but ensure they are aware of neighbours DH dying and to be respectful with noise. They should be quiet after 11pm anyway.

When my grandpa died my gran came to stay with us for a few days, is she even going to be there?
Either way I don't think it's disrespectful to have a preplanned birthday sleepover

Do not cancel!!

Why is your DH more concerned with upsetting your neighbour than upsetting his DD?

I’m sure your neighbour would not want you to cancel.

Please don't cancel.

I think it’s fine to continue. Especially as it’s a child’s party, maybe if it was adults it may feel more disrespectful.
It’s sad he’s died. Send a card. Let her know you’re there if she needs anything. But don’t stop the party.

Don't cancel!! She might not even be there and I'm sure if she found out you cancelled your DD's party on her account, that would make her feel even worse.

I agree don’t cancel, but could you do something nice for your neighbour? Like take round a dish or something baked? Just so she knows you are still thinking of her. You can also mention it’s your DD’s 13th and there will be a sleepover.

Knock on the door with a cake. Tell her you're sorry for her loss and explain the situation. Ask the girls to bear the lady next door in mind when they're outdoors.

"Why is your DH more concerned with upsetting your neighbour than upsetting his DD?"

Well, frankly, bereavement trumps birthday party. But I am as sure as I can be that she wouldn't want the party cancelled. Presumably she knows about it anyway? Maybe pop in and see her or put a note through her letter box reminding her, and saying that you'll make sure the noise is kept down after 10.00.

Yes she's there. Another neighbour told me her sister is coming to stay and I can see the sister's car.

But of course they may go back to the sister's.

I don't suppose they know what they're doing. Her world must feel very upside down at the moment 😞

Because the neighbour is going through a once in a lifetime grief after weeks of stress?

I agree that they shouldn't cancel, but how can you honestly think that the husband is being unreasonable to have a different opinion, and that sometimes he might think someone else is more important than his daughter?

Treating her wants as of paramount importance in all situations is a recipe for a spoiled woman who can't adapt and modify herself a little out of compassion for others.

Have the party, tell the girls when they arrive that they should be considerate, and make sure they're quiet after curfew.

Just ask yourself how you would feel if the positions were reversed. If it was your partner who had died and next door were having a garden party and act accordingly.

Send the sympathy card over and do mention dd is having a small get together.. I doubt they will mind at all.

No I don’t think you should cancel.

The guests will have prepared for attending so it’s not fair on them.

Send the sympathy card over and do mention dd is having a small get together.. I doubt they will mind at all.

I wouldn't cancel the party but I'd give serious thought to bringing as much as possible indoors.

I'd pop over and explain. I very much doubt she'd want you to cancel but it would be decent just to let her know what was happening.

Don’t cancel

No she doesn't know. They were supposed to be on holiday so it wouldn't have affected them.

Then when he went into hospital, none of us thought he wouldn't come out. And now it feels inappropriate to say.

Maybe I'll put a card through with a note to tell her I'll keep the noise down.

The sound of teenagers having fun may cheer her up (maybe!).

I thought you were going to say you live in a terrace and it is a all night 18th with loads of young adults. I think a few younger teens in the garden of a detached house will be fine, they might like to hear some happy sounds or they just won't notice. Just be respectful re noise levels as you would anyway.

This. I think it's incredibly insensitive to have a party outside if your neighbour has died. I'm not surprised so many are saying to go ahead, as most people don't seem to have much empathy for other people anymore. You don't have to cancel, but keep it indoors.

Agree with this. I wouldn't cancel the party but I'd move it inside - or where it can't be seen (depends on your garden etc) and I'd ensure there's no noise disturbing your neighbour rather than this fluffy "keep the noise down".

I wouldn’t cancel the party but I’d move it indoors. Not in a million years would I even consider a party in my back garden when my neighbour was in mourning, it seems such a callous thing to do.