AIBU not to cancel DD's party despite the house next door being in mourning?

[Padstow58]

It's my DD's birthday today. 13 and very excited. For weeks she's been planning a party at our house and for 8 girls to sleep over in the tent in our garden. She's decorated our garden and it's all ready.

Next door are a retired couple and a few weeks ago, he was taken into hospital. We've been keeping in touch with the lady neighbour so have been aware that he's not been doing too well.

This morning she let me know he died in the night.

DH now says they are a house of mourning and it would be disrespectful to hold a party next door.

But I think, as sad as it is, that it's not fair to cancel DD's party that she's been planning and looking forward to for so long.

We are detached and I'll make sure they are quiet out there after 10pm so hopefully they won't be disturbed too much by it all.

Does that sound reasonable?

I've had two very recent close family bereavements. For one of them, the deceased's neighbours (garden attached, but not immediate neighbours - would have known the deceased though) were having a small, audible from the house, party/gathering in their garden on the day of the funeral. They were all adults!

Wouldn't have occured to me that they shouldn't! Our grief didn't trump them living their life.

Talk to your neighbour or her sister. I'm sure they'll understand.

I've been in the neighbour's position and wouldn't have wanted my grief to spoil a child's birthday party, the sound of young laughter would have been a pleasant distraction had it not been on lockdown. As others have said, maybe a card and some small gesture would be suitable and a word with the girls about excessive noise in the garden, they're old enough to understand what's going in.

I probably would cancel. I had to endure a get together next door the day of a bereavement and it was awful really. Nobodies fault but could you postpone for a week?

I agree it's that little thing called respect.

I’m gobsmacked at the number of people who think it’s completely fine not to even think about cancelling or changing the party! It’s callous and lacks respect and consideration. However, I do think it’s a grey area. I’d put it past the neighbour or sister first. It’s think a tent in the garden is fine, but not if they’re playing loud music or shrieking.

I disagree.

I don’t see how stopping a celebration would be helpful to her.

Would you stop a wedding or a graduation because someone next door has died?

It’s sad that he’s died and I’m sorry for her loss but a child’s birthday shouldn’t be cancelled because of it because there’s no reason for it to not go ahead.

I wouldn’t cancel the party, I’d just remind the girls to keep the noise down after 10pm.

my ds celebrated his 18th the week after my mil passed away. Yes we were all sad as it all happened so quickly however ds still deserved the right to celebrate his birthday and I know mil would have been furious if we had cancelled. He funeral was a few days after ds’s birthday .

@mummyh2016 ,

It is not an odd comparison, you only say that as you prioritise teens over adults.

Most people don’t have loud weekday parties out of consideration for workers and student, so that would cover a GCSE.

However, were someone to hold a Thursday party, for instance, and you went and asked them to keep it down as your daughter had an important GCSE tomorrow, I expect you would be underwhelmed if they replied ‘no, life goes on’.

So how is it different to respect a neighbour’s bereavement?

Your husband sounds a very considerate person.
Are nine 13 year olds really going to keep the noise down?
And if you have to keep going outside to ask them to be quiet, your daughter’s friends are going to remember this party as the one where they couldn’t really enjoy themselves.
I’d postpone or move it indoors.

I might cancel. I’d make sure the noise level is very low. The last she needs is teenage girls hollering & screaming next door. I see your DH’s point.

It would be awful to be asked what you thought or have your reaction "gauged" in the neighbours position.

What's the right answer? Obviously you wouldn't want to spoil anyone's fun, but having being asked (ie someone thought it might be a problem), maybe you're not grieving properly if you say you don't mind...

Don't cancel but have them sleeping indoors - there's no way they'll be quiet in the night and the last thing your neighbour needs is to be woken up or kept awake by noisy teens.

A wedding or graduation don’t happen in your garden, though.

How many weddings or graduations have you been to in someone's back garden? 🙄

You shouldn't cancel the party, but you should, as others have said, actually physically go round and tell her. Not shove a card through the door.

I was coming on to suggest just this.

If you happen to have one, go around with a sympathy card and pass on your condolences and mention that you couldn't cancel the party at such short notice but it will all be done and dusted by X O'Clock and you apologise if it might cause any distress to your neighbour. Something like that. Shows that you're considerate of their situation.

Oh, and whether people are in mourning or not, or whether the house is detached or not, and wherever they are sleeping, they are quiet after 10pm.
Obviously.

I think most of these responses are bonkers! We recently lost my dad and my mum loved having kids round. Kids being happy is not disrespectful to the dead or mourning. Have your party, the widow and grieving family might actually enjoy hearing it. There are loads of silences in grief, loads of tears and occasionally you’ll hear a sound or see something that will make you smile, that’s ok and your kids party might provide that. Either way, let the family know and enjoy your party.

Personally I wouldn't cancel but I would keep the girls inside.

On the actual day of the death?

Yes within a few days possibly, but on the day?

I wouldn’t cancel the party, life has to go on. When my husband died I probably wouldn’t even have noticed a party next door actually. Your neighbour may be the same.

Your dh is insane. Of course you don't cancel. You take a card and some flowers round, apologise in advance for any noise and carry on

My mother's funeral was the day before my 2 year old's second birthday party. Everyone said to me that they hoped I would not cancel the party and life should go ahead as usual for the children.

I wouldn't even move indoors. Why would anyone have an expectation that things are going to be quiet around them when they are grieving? I don't think they are going to notice and even if they did I cant imagine them thinking I wish people would stop having fun because I'm mourning.

Even if they did think that...I still don't think you should cancel because if they do think that, they will be thinking that about everything and you can't stop everything!

I have to say it would never occur to me to cancel a planned get-together because a neighbour had passed away.

I would drop a card round with my sympathies though.